DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

[thisidid]

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

its important that we treat everyone equally. you wont catch posters saying "there there" to a cheating gusband, why should it be any different for an unfaithful woman? If I cheated on dh, I would expect an arse-kicking on here, and sympathy for dh. read the realtionship boards, all the sympathy is reserved for the one who was wronged, and the kids, not the unfaithful twat who needed an ego-boost.

there are other websites for that.

Op, but you are only sad and remorseful that you were caught and that your cosy existence is rumbled.

You are not sad for him and how you have hurt him.

You have been living this lie for two years now, coping brilliantly, even been happy.

I could not be happy if I knew I had betrayed my partner.

I hope being a part time mum in a small flat somewhere will be worth the shagging.

I do wish you well, mis

Don't feel that people wish you ill, because they question your behaviour and justifications for such

Think of MN as that friend who won't flannel you, won't let you justify bad behaviour and tells you the truth as it is (over a glass of )

I wouldn't use such flowery language actually. You had an affair mis. I don't go in for the endless self-flagellation and the handing over of phones etc. that isn't a saved relationship to me.

What I take issue with is all this stuff about things being unfortunate and moments of madness and feeling vulnerable. All those things are things that people experience in their relationships everyday and they don't cheat. I don't think you can be worthy of trust until you take responsibility for why you as a person in what may be trying circs decided to cheat and lie.

@ Taghain

I had an affair 20 years ago, which might have resulted in separation had DP & I not had children. Paradoxically, I think that it has now made our relationship stronger, as we now know that we can get through major problems.

I bet every day he's thankful for the way you strengthened your relationship by fucking the milkman.

MisGuided, I think I admire your husband and you for fighting to save your marriage, cos that trust thing will never go so learning to live with the consequences takes a lot of love and determination to not just pack up and go. I

Your poor husband

Is he wanting to try and work things out or does he want your marriage to be over?

@ quintessential

I hope being a part time mum in a small flat somewhere will be worth the shagging.

Unless both kids happen to be his, in which case she'll get the house, the kids, 75% of the money and an income off him for life, and he'll be the one in the small flat.

The fucking she's had will be as nothing to the fucking he's about to get.

His suffering hasn't started and won't end.

Sorry MisG - I accident it posted before saying its not right to have affairs ( obviously) and the ghost of them haunts on even if the relationship breaks up. But I wish you and your husband well and I hope you do go onto having a happy marriage.

Oh FFS. Look, lifetime monogamy is not natural, so loads of people breach it. It isn't very nice to decieve a partner, but there are much worse things done in the name of 'love' (financial abuse, spousal rape, domestic violence, mistreatment of children to punish the partner...). Couples can and do get over one of them having had an affair, if they are both reasonable people and both want to continue the main relationship. It takes time, there will be rows, there will be hurt feelings but it can be done.

However, the more vindictive and self-righteous the 'betrayed' spouse gets, the more the other partner begins to feel that s/he a) had some justifictation for having had the affair in the first place (if you are married to a bully of either gender, or a self-obsessed individual who doesn't value you, you may well end up having an affair as an exit strategy) and b) s/he is not going to put up with a lifetime of penance.

As to the waa... waaa.... imagine if the genders were reversed etc, what generally happens on MN is that people engage mostly with the OP of a post rather than addressing the person or persons the OP is at odds with, whatever the reasons.

Solid surely if people cannot commit to a lifetime of monogamy they shouldn't get married?

as someone who has been cheated on, I would say it takes time. poor man must be feeling devastated. you have to give him space but be prepared to answer his questions.
can work, couples do work through it, but even now, years on, I still have the odd wobble day

I think that's a fairly irrelevant point sgb.

Formula feeding is not natural.

Driving is not natural.

Monogamy is not mandatory.

While I agree there are worse things than affairs in marriages, I do see cheating and lying within a relationship where there is an agreement to be monogamous as a form of sexual abuse.

Really it isn't the cheating that is even the thing that is hard to get over it is the deception and the lack of taking responsibility. If someone doesn't want to be monogamous they are cowardly and abusive to lie about wanting to or to cover up that they are not and that really is the issue.

And I don't think marriage is necessarily always monogamous. But cheating, cheating is about lying not non-monogamy. If you don't want to commit to monogamy don't, if you find it hard but are willing to for your partner then talk when you struggle and take responsibility if you fall.

"Unless both kids happen to be his, in which case she'll get the house, the kids, 75% of the money and an income off him for life, and he'll be the one in the small flat.

The fucking she's had will be as nothing to the fucking he's about to get.

His suffering hasn't started and won't end."

In England, she won't get the house, the kids, 75% of the money nor an income for life.
She MAY be entitled to 50% of their house, 50% of their earnings and their father may 'get' the kids - or they may have joint residency.
She'll be entitled to no money after their divorce, except in the case where she is the Resident Parent (RP) in which the Non-RP - if working - will pay a small percentage of their wage.

SGB, I do agree wrt monogamy. It doesn't suit everyone, and there is nothing wrong with polygamous relationship, as long as you all know about it.

And if she were in Norway, she would get nothing. And if she earned more than him, she might have to fund their transport to see him, and get no maintenance for them.

One thing that's guaranteed to piss somebody with a shred of decency off is to refer to an affair as "a mistake" or "a moment of madness". Because unless the man you shagged quite literally tripped and fell, penis-first, into you, it was very much deliberate.

You should have the decency to call it what it is. If you were writing about your dh having had an affair the responses would be somewhat different I think. You sound so self-pitying, so upset that your perfect little life has gone tits up. You don't sound like you have a scrap of real remorse in you. That's sad. It's very possible your dh deserves a lot better than you.

It's heartbreaking that this man is unsure about whether the baby he has loved is his or not. This doubt, hurt and insecurity through no fault of his own? It's the fault of the woman he loved and trusted. Shame on you!

Are you actually sorry or are you just pissed off that you've been caught?!

And as for monogamy being unnatural, you may be right about that but that doesn't make betrayal and deceit any easier to stomach. If OP couldn't stick to one man she shouldn't have married him and made promises she wouldn't keep!

Well, i suppose the two main things that your husband will be asking himself is Why would you do this, if you had such a happy relationship in the first place, and why would you then have another baby very soon afterwards?

The question is will he be willing to work through this with you/Relate etc or will you limp on for a while and then split.

You need to think long and hard about what led you to do this.

well said SGB

My interpretation of this forum is that you give advice to the OP. If her DH put up a post, your advice might be to 'leave the b'...but it's not his post. If you don't like where the OP is coming from then usually you either don't comment, or you say what you don't approve of and suggest what their next steps might be in the situation in which she's in.

A male friend asked my DH if he would ever have an affair if he could be 100% sure that I wouldn't get to know. His response (reported back to me by male friend) was 'But I would know'.
And that's the point isn't it? You seem sorry that your husband now knows, not that you broke your promise to him.
I'm not surprised he's 'incandescent'.

I meant to add that you'll need to work hard now and I wish you luck.

Well lovingfreedom I think their reconciliation or whatever you want to call it is doomed to fail if she hasn't got the maturity and respect for her dh to take full responsibility for what she did, and to be genuinely sorry for the hurt she's caused, and not just be sorry that he found out she f*cked another man!