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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH threatened to leave (sex related)

213 replies

SexIsTheIssue · 19/09/2012 10:09

We had a few baby free hours Saturday which DH took as an opportunity to row, when I tried to talk he turned away and refused to engage and since then it has been silent treatment with lots of door slamming. His major problem is sex, he wants it everyday, I dont, even before DC (who is 1.2, still BFing and not sleeping) we were 1-3 times a week, now I try to ensure 1 a week even if I dont feel like it (believing the "use it or lose it" mantra) sleep is far more important and I cant say I enjoy it and (TMI) I haven't orgasmed for a long time (to DH this is his measure of enjoyment).

Quantity has always been an issue but more so since pregnancy and explodes in a row every few weeks, DH seems to think he is in a competition with DS for attention and to him attention = sex. I'm exhausted with it all and admit I have withdrawn from DH as I cant cope with the constant sex groping, whinning, sulking and openly looking at porn when me and DS are in the room, i'm also worried about getting PG but DH flatly refuses condoms and when we do have sex it is all about what he wants. I have tried to explain to DH that this is very unattractive and unlikely to make me want sex with him but he threatened that he will leave unless I start enjoying sex more, I dont really know where to go with this, how do you enjoy something more? He basically issued an ultimatum that I have to stop BFing so I can go on the pill (solving 1 problem) and I have to have sex more even when i'm so tired I cry (but he will not allow me to have a lie in, ever, if he is up, everyone is up, if he is asleep woe betide anyone who wakes him).

My question is how do we reach a comprimise when we both seem to have entrenched postions, I cant force myself to enjoy sex more, I dont even have the energy to fake it, DH will not listen to anything I say/changes/suggestions, he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable (he has form with previous GFs). I have suggested counselling in the past but that ended up in an epic sulk and hasn't been mentioned since. Before anyone asks, we used to be equals, he used to respect me and I used to have to confidence to tell him bollocks if he was been unreasonable, now...Sad

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 21/09/2012 14:20

crackcrackcrack sounds like MN was a bit of a lifeline. Hope you are much happier now.

Mellower · 21/09/2012 14:38

ccc It's amazing the things you can convince yourself, I still have my bad days. Sadly. Doing lots of counselling though so onwards and upwards, have even thought about electric shock therapy to eliminate a few allthose years but...that's generally on a bad day. Smile

HissyByName · 22/09/2012 14:18

ccc, me too. MN was at one point the only support I had. MN helped me see that no matter hard I tried, the relationship would only get worse that my happiness was the target my Ex had to eliminate, in any way possible.

MN helped me see that I ought not to put up with any of it, so ultimately I didn't.

MN was there when he left, when my entire family threw me under the bus by being literally half a world away, MN was there too when the same family, upon it's return a month later couldn't wait to get off the phone if I called. It was there when I realised how jealous and bitter my DSis was, how much nasty she had done while pretending to be nice, how passive aggressive she is, and how I needed to cut her from my life.

MN was there.

It still is.

Nowadays I give what I can back. I may not get it right too much, but I'm so happy that I can hand hold if needed to

I'm 18m on now, did the Freedom Programme, attend a Domestic Abuse support group, and did 6m of therapy.

The first 6m were a blur, it was just horrid, i had to overcome agoraphobia, the trauma of having been emotionally assaulted by the Ex and then by my family. I've been angry, and have worked through it all. Nowadays it's all manageable.

I have much further to go on my journey, but I do appreciate how far I have come. In such a short time, I have transformed, my life is unrecognisable, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. My task now is to get used to the idea that I deserve it all! :D

I want ALL of us that have suffered at the hands of vile and nasty partners to take the leap of faith, to draw that deep breath and stand up and say NO MORE. I know that it's the hardest thing in the world to do, it's physically painful to have to try to find that courage, but I can't tell you all enough how bloody worth it is in the end.

If you have NOTHING more than MN to help support you, let me tell you that you are already RICH!, There are so many wonderful people here, that know so much really helpful stuff, you will have a 24 hour a day place where people who understand and care can listen, and support and even ((((hug)))) you if you need it.

garlicnutty · 22/09/2012 14:29

What a moving post, Hissy :)

porridgelover · 22/09/2012 14:44

Hissy

I know you mean this as I have seen you around the boards and you do a great job of giving back.

Mellower · 22/09/2012 16:03

I couldn't agree more, she does indeed! Smile

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 22/09/2012 16:36

Aww, Hissy, that's fab.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2012 18:23

Hissy, you are a credit to MN Grin

erm, could you have a look at a thread entitled "Upset" by any chance, mate ?

CuriousMama · 22/09/2012 21:59

oh Hissy you darling.

crackcrackcrak · 22/09/2012 22:12

Sob sob! But yes, for me too. Mn was there. And you gave exp a damn good flaming once when he tried to out me Grin

HissyByName · 22/09/2012 22:17

Blushing here, but I'd still be in that pit if not for Mumsnet.

The support here is awesome, not bad for a nest of vipers, eh?

OP, your thread has actually unlocked some memories and I've seen some things in a new light.

Making a stand is the start of your journey back to you. Ending this relation is the end of your decline, but the beginning of a nbrand new journey. To begin with you have nothing but instincts, hope and blind faith to keep you going, but it's real, and it will all come right if you just stick with it.

Staying with him will only ever get worse, your DC will learn from him and go on to treat you as he does :(

Rip the plaster off, be brave, be focussed on YOUR future, your life, your choicesm know that all the karma's been building up, and all the love you put into this world comes back to you. It sounds too good to be true eh?

Freedom, truth and happiness ARE real, and you deserve them all.

You know what you must do, now's the time to dig deep and do what you know you have to.

StrangeGlue · 22/09/2012 22:24

OP I know you want a dad for your son but do you want one who teaches your son to watch porn infront of children and to abuse women? That's what's happening to you and he's only bought you flowers to cover himself - he's not thinking about you, only himself.

Please listen to the wise wise women here. They will see you through.

You are strong and you can do anything, you would be much more than fine without him. You only get this life don't let someone fill it with shit.

Thinking of you!

crackcrackcrak · 22/09/2012 22:43

Op I have a thread about how great life is post split too - and it really is, I promise x

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