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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatened to leave (sex related)

213 replies

SexIsTheIssue · 19/09/2012 10:09

We had a few baby free hours Saturday which DH took as an opportunity to row, when I tried to talk he turned away and refused to engage and since then it has been silent treatment with lots of door slamming. His major problem is sex, he wants it everyday, I dont, even before DC (who is 1.2, still BFing and not sleeping) we were 1-3 times a week, now I try to ensure 1 a week even if I dont feel like it (believing the "use it or lose it" mantra) sleep is far more important and I cant say I enjoy it and (TMI) I haven't orgasmed for a long time (to DH this is his measure of enjoyment).

Quantity has always been an issue but more so since pregnancy and explodes in a row every few weeks, DH seems to think he is in a competition with DS for attention and to him attention = sex. I'm exhausted with it all and admit I have withdrawn from DH as I cant cope with the constant sex groping, whinning, sulking and openly looking at porn when me and DS are in the room, i'm also worried about getting PG but DH flatly refuses condoms and when we do have sex it is all about what he wants. I have tried to explain to DH that this is very unattractive and unlikely to make me want sex with him but he threatened that he will leave unless I start enjoying sex more, I dont really know where to go with this, how do you enjoy something more? He basically issued an ultimatum that I have to stop BFing so I can go on the pill (solving 1 problem) and I have to have sex more even when i'm so tired I cry (but he will not allow me to have a lie in, ever, if he is up, everyone is up, if he is asleep woe betide anyone who wakes him).

My question is how do we reach a comprimise when we both seem to have entrenched postions, I cant force myself to enjoy sex more, I dont even have the energy to fake it, DH will not listen to anything I say/changes/suggestions, he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable (he has form with previous GFs). I have suggested counselling in the past but that ended up in an epic sulk and hasn't been mentioned since. Before anyone asks, we used to be equals, he used to respect me and I used to have to confidence to tell him bollocks if he was been unreasonable, now...Sad

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 19/09/2012 11:50

he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable

As other posters said, he's no right to sex on his terms.
The "he'd make my life unbearable" is the thing that makes me think you need to swallow hard and get rid.

Sure, if no sex is a deal-breaker for him, he's right to leave. Bullying you and frightening you..., he needs to either go, or get his sorry are kicked to the curb.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 11:57

Do take up that Women's Aid link or call 0808 2000 247

Totally understandable, given your own experience, that you want your child to have a nice family environment and that you think that means Mummy, Daddy and Baby. But, if you believe your husband is copying his mistreatment of you from his father, why would you want to inflict that on your own DS? Growing up seeing his mother miserable, abused at the hands of his own father.... he'll either grow up very upset & angry knowing he can't protect you or he'll think it's normal and go on to treat his own girlfriends the same way.

Do call that number.

Original poster
SexIsTheIssue · 19/09/2012 12:12

Thank you everyone, I'm crying reading the replies. I will have a look through the links posted.

OP posts:
Lueji · 19/09/2012 12:13

I think the key here is not necessarily to show him the door, but to tell him that you are not happy and that you'd rather split than be subjected to his demands.
Sex is about enjoyment, not duty.

Telling him that he can leave if he wants is not dumping him, but show him that you won't be bullied.

Does he do anything with the baby or in the house? Because if you are less tired, you may feel more up to it.

And I'd tell him to back off completely because his pestering is making you want to have sex less and less.

skyebluesapphire · 19/09/2012 12:15

I know that some of the posts are harsh, but the posters are concerned about you and for you.

My friend has just started doing a course through Womans Aid and is finally facing up to the fact that she was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 18 years. Her STBXH once smashed up the living room after she refused him sex. She had sex with him to keep him happy and stop him shouting at the kids all the time.

OP - this issue is not going to go away and it is not going to get better unless you ignore your needs and give in to him. I am never one to shout Leave The Bastard, but by what you have written, I don't see that you have much choice, unless your H agrees to go to counselling .....

Best wishes

timetoask · 19/09/2012 12:23

Op, your DH is being unrealistic.
Get him to read this please: it took DH and I about 2 or 3 years to get back to normal post babies. It is normal. It is not a reflection on his manhood. If he loves his family he just needs to,understand that it takes time and putting pressure on you will do the exact opposite and turn you right off.

He really needs counselling jointly with you. I really hope both of you can work on it, it breaks my heart to,think that a family will break up because of lack of information and communication. Get some professional help.

olgaga · 19/09/2012 12:24

How awful for you OP. Do you have supportive family members or friends who can help you? Someone who could come and stay with you for a while for support and protection?

Come back whenever you need support or reassurance.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 12:27

"He really needs counselling jointly with you."

In abusive relationships where one partner is bullying and dominating the other, joint counselling only gives the bully the opportunity to dominate further and is not recommended. Individual counselling might help the OP decide how best to proceed.

SuperB0F · 19/09/2012 12:28

I totally disagree with timetoask. Joint counselling is not to be recommended in cases of domestic abuse, which this clearly is. And why should you get back to a 'normal' of sex once a day with a selfish bully? The others are right, you'd be far better advised to let him leave.

solidgoldbrass · 19/09/2012 12:32

Actually, OP, this may help you gain the strength to get rid of this man:

It's not actually sex he wants. If he wanted real, good, sex, the closeness of intimacy with you, etc, he would be putting himself out to help you with DC, share the domestic work, talking to you rather than issuing orders.

What he wants is to make you suffer and crush your spirit. Men who constantly pester and bully for sex know perfectly well that this is a big turn off; they don't want the woman to greet them with a smile and open legs, they want her to feel scared and revolted and helpless.

This man is a shit who hates women. The sooner you are rid of him, the better. You will get lots of support on here and more from WA and the local police DV unit. Don't waste time or money on counselling; no competent counsellor would see you as a couple because it simply doesn't work when one partner is abusing the other.

I appreciate this is a lot to take in and upsetting and scary, but there is help out there. Best of luck.

diddl · 19/09/2012 12:34

I think that both you & your son would be better off without him tbh.

Can´t see him being much of a role model.

Anyway, he would still be in your son´s life-if that´s what he wants.

Can´t imagine having to have sex to get someone to stop being a whineyarse.

Not wonder once a week is more than enough.

SuperB0F · 19/09/2012 12:35

Spot on, SGB.

skyebluesapphire · 19/09/2012 12:40

yes, when I mentioned counselling, I said he needed it, meaning that he maybe ought to have some sort of sexual counselling on his own to address why he needs it so much! and to realise that his partner does not have to obey his every command....

Daisym0use · 19/09/2012 12:40

You poor thing OP. My ex used to tell me what a crap wife I was because I couldn't fulfill his sexual needs. I now have an amazing husband who couldn't be more different from him. He can't keep up with me because I fancy him so much because he treats me so well. Tells me i'm lovely and a great wife and it's a real turn on.

Just remember he's the one with the problem, not you. You sound like a lovely mum, good luck x

SarryB · 19/09/2012 12:43

Another 'Leave The Bastard' vote here.

Why on Earth would he want to have sex with you if you're not enjoying it? He sounds like a bully - and he should not be looking at porn with a child in the room. I'm sure that is almost some sort of abuse.

I had a partner like this (thankfully, no children together) - he would get mad if I didn't have sex with him on a regular basis, or if I didn't have sex with him on his birthday. One day he asked me to apologise for something (I hadn't done!) while we were actually having sex. I stopped the sex right then and there, and didn't have sex with him ever again. We broke up about 3 months later. Best decision ever.

SarryB · 19/09/2012 12:44

timetoask - if he loved his family, he wouldn't be pressuring his OH to have sex, and he would be understanding, and helpful.

SuperB0F · 19/09/2012 12:45

I missed the bit about the porn Shock. Totally unacceptable. Vile man.

SirGOLDBoobs · 19/09/2012 12:45

He sounds utterly vile, you poor thing. You would be better off without this controlling, woman hating, demanding, pathetic excuse for a husband.

In an equal relationship, even when one person has a higher sex drive, there is an understanding. This twat is manipulating you, and using you.

Please - if he's saying he's going to leave, then let him. If he changes his mind, kick him out! You can do so much better than this.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this crap :(

AgathaFusty · 19/09/2012 12:47

He sounds like a total wanker TBH. You say he models himself on his controlling father? Can you see that if you stay with him, your son will see this as normal and probably model his future behaviour towards his partner on what he has learnt from his dad?

If you split, you will be happier, your child will grow up in a happy household where he isn't in competition with his own dad and he stands a chance of learning good ways to behave as an adult.

SarryB · 19/09/2012 12:48

Also, think about it this way...

if a friend of yours said she cried during sex with her boyfriend because she is so tired and didn't enjoy it, what would you say to her?

timetoask · 19/09/2012 12:48

I mention joint counselling purely due to the fact that before having the baby, op mentions her and DH were used to having sex almost everyday, unless i missed it, she does'nt mention any abussive behaviour prior to baby.

It is very possible that this man was simply not prepared for the impact a baby has on a woman and on a marriage. Some men are simply not programmed to empathise or understand other's point of view, and an intermediary is needed. There is a child involved here, in this particular case i think it is worth trying to save the marriage.

SlightlyJaded · 19/09/2012 12:49

Sorry OP - I think this has opened a can of worms.

I echo what everyone else has said

There is something in your favour - he is threatening to leave. I know that doesn't seem like a positive but there are thousands of women trapped in relationships with controlling bullies like your H who refuse to leave.

I'd take him up on his offer and even throw in an hour of my time to help him pack. Honestly, let him go and stalk his ex or find someone else to harass for sex.

You seem to have very low self-esteem and I know this makes it virtually impossible to contemplate splitting up, but i promise you this is not normal and life doesn't have to be like this.

He is an utter twunt. Bullying, controlling, vile and selfish. Bite his had off (as it were) at this opportunity to see him leave without having to fight to get him out.

SuperB0F · 19/09/2012 12:51

I think OP said she just handled it more easily, timetoask, as he hadn't yet ground her confidence down. Not quite the same as him not being abusive, really.

halcyondays · 19/09/2012 12:53

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't normally post on these sort of threads, but I have to agree with everyone else, he sounds completely awful. Tbh, your dc would be much better off growing up with one loving parent, than with you unhappy at being stuck in this relationship.

Lueji · 19/09/2012 12:54

Timetoask,
the OP said before the baby they would have 1-3 times a week, not almost every day.
Her lower libido (or his pestering) was already there before.

If anything he needs counselling, not them.
But what he needs is to respect his partner.