DH threatened to leave (sex related)

[SexIsTheIssue]

We had a few baby free hours Saturday which DH took as an opportunity to row, when I tried to talk he turned away and refused to engage and since then it has been silent treatment with lots of door slamming. His major problem is sex, he wants it everyday, I dont, even before DC (who is 1.2, still BFing and not sleeping) we were 1-3 times a week, now I try to ensure 1 a week even if I dont feel like it (believing the "use it or lose it" mantra) sleep is far more important and I cant say I enjoy it and (TMI) I haven't orgasmed for a long time (to DH this is his measure of enjoyment).

Quantity has always been an issue but more so since pregnancy and explodes in a row every few weeks, DH seems to think he is in a competition with DS for attention and to him attention = sex. I'm exhausted with it all and admit I have withdrawn from DH as I cant cope with the constant sex groping, whinning, sulking and openly looking at porn when me and DS are in the room, i'm also worried about getting PG but DH flatly refuses condoms and when we do have sex it is all about what he wants. I have tried to explain to DH that this is very unattractive and unlikely to make me want sex with him but he threatened that he will leave unless I start enjoying sex more, I dont really know where to go with this, how do you enjoy something more? He basically issued an ultimatum that I have to stop BFing so I can go on the pill (solving 1 problem) and I have to have sex more even when i'm so tired I cry (but he will not allow me to have a lie in, ever, if he is up, everyone is up, if he is asleep woe betide anyone who wakes him).

My question is how do we reach a comprimise when we both seem to have entrenched postions, I cant force myself to enjoy sex more, I dont even have the energy to fake it, DH will not listen to anything I say/changes/suggestions, he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable (he has form with previous GFs). I have suggested counselling in the past but that ended up in an epic sulk and hasn't been mentioned since. Before anyone asks, we used to be equals, he used to respect me and I used to have to confidence to tell him bollocks if he was been unreasonable, now...

You have offered him a compromise but he hadn't taken it!

He doesn't want a compromise - he wants it ALL his way!

You can't force yourself into enjoying it.

He needs to man up and behave like an adult, work on helping you and bringing up his family do you all benefit and start enjoying life, not worrying about getting his end away every day!

I'm for you

I took the minipill from about 3 months and breastfed until DS he was 1 year old.

But that's not the issue.

He is a controlling bastard and you should tell him to go if he can't behave respectfully and lovingly towards you.

I understand well where you are coming from and my libido went downhill as well as my enjoyment as ex (note the ex) H got worse.

I still had orgasms but just as I would from DIY... - because I orgasm easily - the activity itself was not enjoyable. Sex can be good without an orgasm, in my experience, and I don't have to get there to enjoy it, but a loving considerate partner is necessary.
In fact, it makes me wonder if the reason you don't have orgasms is not because of him...

Also, he doesn't treat you like an equal because he thinks you are stuck with him because of the baby and can threaten to leave you.
Call his bluff and show him the door.

This.

OP, seriously, you need to re-evaluate your relationship. You're not a sex toy ffs.

He clearly does not listen to you.

How can someone tell you to enjoy sex more?

He doesn't listen when you tell him that him going on at you makes you less likely to have sex. After each of my DC we have not had sex for 6 months and my DH has waited, because he cares about me.

I am sorry you are going through this. I do have to agree with everybody else though. Your H is being very selfish. The more pressure that he puts on you, the less you are going to want to do it.

He cannot order you to have or enjoy sex, it is not his right to have sex with you. If you cant go on the pill, then he must use a condom or go without.

After years of being on the pill and injection, after I had DD I did not want to be stuffing more hormones into my body, so I refused to take anything and STBXH had the choice of the snip or condoms. He chose condoms.

He wanted sex all the time, but appreciated that I was too tired after having DD and we reached a compromise, which is what happens in a healthy marriage.

If you cannot talk to your H about this then maybe you should ask him to leave. Its not all about him and he has to realise that.

OP, what everyone else says. It isn't uncommon for men to change after children are born.

What are you afraid of him doing if you split up?

OP, you may be a bit taken aback at all the advice to leave/let him leave. To be honest, though, he really does not sound very nice. But if you're not ready to go yet, test out how willing to compromise he is (not very by the sound of it but...) Firstly, he must agree to use condoms. It's simply not fair to expect you to risk another pregnancy or to stop bfing when there is another easy solution. Secondly, he must let you have at least one lie-in a week so you get more sleep. If he won't agree to both these things, then whatever you do will never please him because he's only interested in meeting his own needs. I suspect this is the case, but if you're not ready to jump, test it out first.

What method of contraception you use is irrelevant.

The fact is, you are not enjoying sex, and how could you?
Your H is not at all understanding of the fact that you are tired, breast feeding etc. and he is an abusive twat, but you already know that.

What kind of person instructs their wife to enjoy sex? Even though it's clear she is exhausted to the point of tears.
And refuses to listen to ways that he could improve things in the bedroom?
And watching porn with his wife and child in the room?

I'm sorry to say that this man has no respect for your feelings and no desire to improve things in the bedroom to please both of you.
He is selfish and controlling.

Can I ask why you are scared to leave him?
What do you think he will do?
What has he done in the past?

He really doesn't like or value you at all.

You'd be better off without him.

Hi, thanks for all the replies I thought it would be a bit early. I get what you are all saying. I did think there would be some sympathy for DH so I am surprised as he seems to think he is very reasonable.

I did consider telling DH to go when he said it but I just agreed, I dont want DS to grow up without a dad like I did and its the thing DH knows upsets me. I feel like he has just squashed the life out of me and I just exist now, I did try and talk to my DM but she left a very violent relationship and thinks what is going on is not worth breaking up a family for as he is not violent and we have been together almost 8yrs.

I have been looking at counselling but its persuading him to come and not sulk.

DH has stalked ex-GF but I believed him when he said it was all her fault [fucking idiot emoticon]

I never join these threads but this is awful. Please re-read your post -- you cannot put up with this. There is good advice from other posters: please take it.

It's better to grow up without a dad that to have such an awful example of how he should treat women when he grows up. Also he can continue to be a parent to his son even if he is not in a relationship with you anymore.

I think DH models himself on his DF who is very controlling but prior to DS I could tell him when he was being an arse as I was "me" then and I didn't tolerate any crap.

OP if he stalks you after you s

All the more reason to break the cycle now before your DS models himself on his father and grandfather.

What he's doing is emotionally violent - you shouldn't feel crushed by your husband. DV comes in different forms.

Showing your dc a damaging relationship model can be just as destructive as having an absent parent or divorce.

An 'ex'-stalker?

You know what to do OP.

You know it will be hard

But actually you know what sort of man he is, it's just registering this at an un-emotional level that is the really fucking hard bit. Take your time, but don't forget and minimise what is happening.

OP if he stalks you after you split up you can contact the police.

If you don't get out of this relationship I think there is a chance he will physically or sexually abuse you .

You've had some great responses so not much to add there but will share a little from personal experience.

When you leave someone like this they do make your life hell, my ex does. He is still controlling and manipulative as much as he can be. It has now been 3 yrs, we are both remarried. He has pretty much done all the damage he can do (turned people against me, not paid maintenance, shouted regularly, begged me to come back, threatened suicide etc etc)

I won't lie, it wasn't fun BUT it was still better than staying. Now he still tries to have an impact on my life but the truth is that his life has been a hell of a lot rougher than mine. He's also still a miserable bastard whereas I'm happy and relaxed.

Mostly though (and this is the important bit) my kids are leaving in a healthy environment. My Ds is learning how a man should treat a woman and my dd is learning how she should be treated. And that's the bottom line for you - what will your relationship teach your child about how relationships work.

If you wouldn't want your child to be in a similar relationship to you then don't let them grow up seeing it as "normal"

Really feel for you and what you're going through

I'm sorry you are living like this. What a vile abusive bully. The best thing he could ever do for you is leave.

My stbx is like your H, and is doing everything in his power to make life difficult for me. And he's an expert in making my life miserable, so he's got a fair arsenal. But you know what? It's a thousand times better than living with him. The constant pressure, groping, belittling, arguing was exhausting, and I am so glad I only have to deal with him in short bursts.

I know it's daunting, but life would be much better for you and your DS.

PS Watching porn in front of your DS is a Big Deal. Courts will take this very seriously, as I'm sure you already do.

Your DH is a bully - look how he only became vile to you had your DS and he thought you wouldn't be able to stand up to him. If he stalks you, use the full force of the law, stand up to him.

Domestic Abuse is not just violence - what he's doing is just as bad if not worse: coercing you into sex, emotional abuse for starters.

I think he's violent actually, he might not be hitting you but he is certainly emotionally and sexually abusing you. You poor thing.

Have a look at Women's Aid

Sexual abuse is violence and what he is doing is sexually abusing you.

Tell him not to let the door hit his arse on his way out - what a vile vile man, watching porn with his child in the room? i feel sick

Oh OP, this sounds really rather bad, I would let him leave.

Your mum is wrong that this is not worth leaving over IMO, I wouldn't be able to put up with it.

It is better to live without a father than to live with a bully.

Lots of wise people on here will be able to advise or suggest OP.