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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatened to leave (sex related)

213 replies

SexIsTheIssue · 19/09/2012 10:09

We had a few baby free hours Saturday which DH took as an opportunity to row, when I tried to talk he turned away and refused to engage and since then it has been silent treatment with lots of door slamming. His major problem is sex, he wants it everyday, I dont, even before DC (who is 1.2, still BFing and not sleeping) we were 1-3 times a week, now I try to ensure 1 a week even if I dont feel like it (believing the "use it or lose it" mantra) sleep is far more important and I cant say I enjoy it and (TMI) I haven't orgasmed for a long time (to DH this is his measure of enjoyment).

Quantity has always been an issue but more so since pregnancy and explodes in a row every few weeks, DH seems to think he is in a competition with DS for attention and to him attention = sex. I'm exhausted with it all and admit I have withdrawn from DH as I cant cope with the constant sex groping, whinning, sulking and openly looking at porn when me and DS are in the room, i'm also worried about getting PG but DH flatly refuses condoms and when we do have sex it is all about what he wants. I have tried to explain to DH that this is very unattractive and unlikely to make me want sex with him but he threatened that he will leave unless I start enjoying sex more, I dont really know where to go with this, how do you enjoy something more? He basically issued an ultimatum that I have to stop BFing so I can go on the pill (solving 1 problem) and I have to have sex more even when i'm so tired I cry (but he will not allow me to have a lie in, ever, if he is up, everyone is up, if he is asleep woe betide anyone who wakes him).

My question is how do we reach a comprimise when we both seem to have entrenched postions, I cant force myself to enjoy sex more, I dont even have the energy to fake it, DH will not listen to anything I say/changes/suggestions, he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable (he has form with previous GFs). I have suggested counselling in the past but that ended up in an epic sulk and hasn't been mentioned since. Before anyone asks, we used to be equals, he used to respect me and I used to have to confidence to tell him bollocks if he was been unreasonable, now...Sad

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 20/09/2012 14:14

I'd guess some of the violence against men is from men, in gay relationships. I would doubt if that's the total cause.

solidgoldbrass · 20/09/2012 14:20

Porn viewing in front of other people is certainly an indication of dodginess because it's such unusual behaviour, and something that most people would react to in a negative way (even if they do not dislike porn and use it themselves, most people consider looking at it to be a private pursuit).

I also think that the changes in the definition of domestic abuse may lead to an increase in the number of men-abused-by-women coming forward. Though there is still an imbalance in the status of men and women, the legacy of centuries of women being legally regarded as property rather than people, some women are bullies, some are cruel, spiteful and selfish - but that's not really relevant to the OP's situation.

SITI, how are you doing today?

CuriousMama · 20/09/2012 14:23

Sad I hope you listen to the advice on here. I know you want it to be how you think it should be, but it won't happen with this guy. You need to get out.

THERhubarb · 20/09/2012 14:27

SGB, that is what I was trying to explain to my dd. How some people view women as merely objects there to fulfil their own selfish desires.

I was shocked, disgusted and appauled during the Ched Evans case to read that some men viewed raping a drunken woman as just another one night stand. Some even commented that for them, it was just a typical Saturday night out.

That frightens me.

It was a difficult conversation to have with a 12yo about how you must never ever let your guard down because some men think that if you are incapable of saying yes then you are also incapable of saying no, which makes you fair game. Sad

ledkr · 20/09/2012 14:30

refuses to wear a condom! How old is he 15? I agree he sounds awful and you are right to be fed up.Good luck with what your decide

Offred · 20/09/2012 14:32

I don't think it is just men rhubarb. I would say the vast majority of people of all genders, ages and sexualities don't understand the law on consent. How often do you see a victim say "I didnt say no" or "i didnt fight back" implying that means they can't complain.

QuintessentialShadows · 20/09/2012 14:34

I note that the OP has not returned to her thread after her husband brought her flowers.... Sad

THERhubarb · 20/09/2012 14:42

It's all so bloody depressing.

Offred · 20/09/2012 15:09

I am taking every opportunity to educate. I have posted cps guidelines on facebook. www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sexual_offences_act/%23Statutory_definition_of_consent also I have briefly explained them and asked people to share because I don't think people really understand the law. I rant about it all the time.

garlicnutty · 20/09/2012 15:28

Offred, your link's broken. Please will you try again?

I will share your FB post if you don't mind pasting it here.

THERhubarb · 20/09/2012 15:43

We need to get the message into schools Offred. It should be part of the secondary school sex ed. I am happy to be part of that campaign if I can do anything to help.
It's young people dd's age that need targeting and educating because they are the ones exposed to online porn, sex in the media and far greater sexual freedom and acceptance.

Abitwobblynow · 20/09/2012 15:46

the bloody awful mags like Cosmo which while claiming to be for women continue to objectify them.

Hear, Hear!

OP, you sound so lovely. Are you OK? I do hope you are.

solidgoldbrass · 20/09/2012 16:06

I think we need to educate people to understand that when you are having sex, the person or people you are having sex with should be reponding enthusiastically and participating. Not just lying there and 'letting you'. If you are not getting a response that clearly indicates enjoyment you need to STOP and talk to the other person.

Oh and, for the hard-of-thinking, ordering the other person to participate and enjoy doesn't work. That's just another type of coercion.

Offred · 20/09/2012 16:11

is that better? worked on fb. Confused

Offred · 20/09/2012 16:12

Agree it needs to be in schools.

garlicnutty · 20/09/2012 19:07

Yes, thanks Offred :)

JugglingWithPossibilities · 20/09/2012 19:19

Sadly I think you're right solidgoldbrass - that seems to be exactly what's needed. You'd think it might be more obvious ?

Original poster
SexIsTheIssue · 20/09/2012 19:51

I'm still here, I'm reading all the replies, the fact that DH bought flowers isn't going to change what's going on. I know this can't continue.

DH decided 3am while I was BFing DS was the time to tell me I'm mental for not wanting sex and need therapy and that there is nothing wrong with a man wanting sex with his wife. He always picks times when I'm vulnerable to point this shit out, BFing is his favourite.

I've told him that I'm staying in the spare room from now on and he is welcome to go and find himself another wank sock/GF. All I got in reply was lot of mumbling and banging stuff, he hasn't come back from work yet so maybe he is going to let that sink in for a bit.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 20/09/2012 20:13

Or maybe he's gone to find a wank sock?hopefully

Am glad you haven't left the thread. Keep chatting on here and perhaps you'll begin to see him for what he is?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/09/2012 20:22

Glad you are still here xx

expatinscotland · 20/09/2012 20:26

'DH decided 3am while I was BFing DS was the time to tell me I'm mental for not wanting sex and need therapy and that there is nothing wrong with a man wanting sex with his wife. He always picks times when I'm vulnerable to point this shit out, BFing is his favourite.'

Because like all abusers, he doesn't want sex, either, so much as he wants to control, dominate and humiliate you into doing something he knows you don't want and trying to make you feel bad for not wanting it. I mean, he got up out of bed to tell you this while you were in the spare room?

Hopefully he will leave. Stand your ground.

The only therapy you need is, after you or he leaves, to help you spot abusers before you become involved with them.

You say your mother had an abusive relationship. So do you. Just as much as if he were striking you. He does. Just doesn't leave a mark on the outside. Yet.

Use this time to get a plan.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 20/09/2012 20:27

Yeah, bet you were really turned on by being called mental at 3am! Hmm Stick to your guns. It's him who needs to take a good look at his behaviour, not you. You would be odd if you did want to have sex with someone behaving like him!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/09/2012 20:29

BTW if my DH tried to discuss anything with me at 3am I would be pretty unimpressed - even without the BFing.

crackcrackcrak · 20/09/2012 20:33

SITI - oh fear another v familiar scene from
My marriage. This whole divine right to sex is even immortalised on my divorce petition. Well his. He will never learn and I doubt your h will either I'm afraid. I recall numerous times when I said to exp 'ffs I will do it but I either enjoy it or I don't - I can't bloody make myself enjoy it. Would you prefer I faked it?' - he was more incredulous at the suggestion I faked it!
I used to think bf killed my sex drive - it didn't, it was exp no doubt about it.

Mellower · 20/09/2012 20:34

I still go to bed and notice I still keep my legs crossed, this annoys me....

Oh so the Op has flowers nice, I had lots of gifts and cards too, funny how the EA and PA take over from them in my nightmares!!

As one would say if one came from here "Get him tae fuck"!!

I am determined to bring my boys up to respect women. I no longer date as most men think with their dicks, if I wanted an addition it would be to compliment what I already have, not bring it down again.