DH threatened to leave (sex related)

[SexIsTheIssue]

We had a few baby free hours Saturday which DH took as an opportunity to row, when I tried to talk he turned away and refused to engage and since then it has been silent treatment with lots of door slamming. His major problem is sex, he wants it everyday, I dont, even before DC (who is 1.2, still BFing and not sleeping) we were 1-3 times a week, now I try to ensure 1 a week even if I dont feel like it (believing the "use it or lose it" mantra) sleep is far more important and I cant say I enjoy it and (TMI) I haven't orgasmed for a long time (to DH this is his measure of enjoyment).

Quantity has always been an issue but more so since pregnancy and explodes in a row every few weeks, DH seems to think he is in a competition with DS for attention and to him attention = sex. I'm exhausted with it all and admit I have withdrawn from DH as I cant cope with the constant sex groping, whinning, sulking and openly looking at porn when me and DS are in the room, i'm also worried about getting PG but DH flatly refuses condoms and when we do have sex it is all about what he wants. I have tried to explain to DH that this is very unattractive and unlikely to make me want sex with him but he threatened that he will leave unless I start enjoying sex more, I dont really know where to go with this, how do you enjoy something more? He basically issued an ultimatum that I have to stop BFing so I can go on the pill (solving 1 problem) and I have to have sex more even when i'm so tired I cry (but he will not allow me to have a lie in, ever, if he is up, everyone is up, if he is asleep woe betide anyone who wakes him).

My question is how do we reach a comprimise when we both seem to have entrenched postions, I cant force myself to enjoy sex more, I dont even have the energy to fake it, DH will not listen to anything I say/changes/suggestions, he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable (he has form with previous GFs). I have suggested counselling in the past but that ended up in an epic sulk and hasn't been mentioned since. Before anyone asks, we used to be equals, he used to respect me and I used to have to confidence to tell him bollocks if he was been unreasonable, now...

Expat - your comment about manipulating someone into doing something they don't want to is also sadly familiar. Exp led a 4 year campaign to get me to perform
Sex acts I dont want to. With various exes I would have tried it by now (because thru didn't use it to blackmail me emotionally obv!) but something about exp made me stand my ground until the end. I knew if I eventually consented to x that he would know he had utterly broken me. You and sgb are spot on when you say none of this is actually about sex

Good good - flowers are nice but freedom is better than a dominating controlling freak! Although mine was also taking steroids so....No not even thinking about THAT!

Mellower - (I could really high jack this thread) ah yes all the presents and flowers and material offerings. All made it bearable. Not

Mellower - steroids? Are u exp's 1st wife? Or are these twunts just mass produced in a factory?

Exactly, crack, same way most people think rape is a crime about sex. It's about violence, dominance, control and forcing someone to do something with their body that they don't want.

Shit sorry I don't mean to high-jack I just read Expats comment and well spot on, all about control, humiliation and dominating!!

I cannot even bear to call IT my ex. Even though he is

I prefer, IT or Sperm Donor! Did yours do this? Oh horrid horrid horrid!! some of the things I could tell you he did but cannot as I willm not my brain go there tonight!

Disgusting! Even kicking him out round 8 dvd's fell out of hidden jacket thankfully my abusive IT was also stupid and wrote sorry letters and cards, which I kept. ITs son is willling to stand in court and say "yes he watched porn in front of me" That I find very very sad and hope it doesn't come to that.

Annie's crystal ball predicts that he won't be so obliging as to leave. The rules of the game are that he threatens to leave so you cry and hang round his knees and promise to try harder. You're not supposed to agree.

*found

Anyway going to go away from this for a wee bit

If you ask him to leave "the persauder" kicks in, "I love you so much", "you are my life" "i am nothing without you" "I will kill myself" "what about the DC" or "I promise I can change"........ never ending bullshit.

Can I just add for the benefit of the op and onemorechap - exp went from sexually abusive to violent in a few months. They were completely connected and part of a v definite downward spiral of behaviour toward me.

Well done, OP. I said he'd pull some shit in the night, didn't I? It's good to see you standing up to this inadequate excuse for a man. As Expat puts, he's making it totally obvious that his problems have got nothing to do with sex, but all about control, domination, belittlement, etc. His behaviour shows that he is either so out of control of himself that he can't stop himself from compulsively needing to bully you and/or he wants you to see that he is obsessed with making you feel like shit and making himself feel superior, because he knew that at that time, as you BFed that there's no way on earth you'd be up for sex. I fear for his mental health, frankly.

As for calling you mental for not wanting sex, well, I think that's transference - he knows that his sex obsession is abnormal and dysfunctional and instead of facing up to his own mental health issues, he's claiming that you've got them.

Don't give in now, OP. You've come such a long way. Am really impressed.

Just to reinforce what crackx3 said.

Ex became physically violent in direct connection with not being able to coerce me into sex.
Be very careful.

Lueiji - yes exactly that to the point where I think if I'd allowed him to control and abuse me more sexually then the violence may not have happened - he would have just persevered with abusing me - there was a post earlier describing a scenario I'd have ended up with involving the poster being wanked over whilst the p watched porn - that kind of thing.

That's a classic demonstration of him not actually wanting to have sex with you at all - it's nowhere near the behaviour of a man who is feeling lust and desire for you. It's all about making you scared, guilty, unhappy and revolted.

Particularly when I stopped caring and responding to emotional blackmail and threats of leaving. He never intended to, of course. As yours doesn't.

This is the most dangerous time, OP.

It may never happen (and I hope it doesn't), but be prepared to leave at any time, please. And have a phone close by in case you need to call the police.

Lue I did this too, not advisable.

you know, IT: "oh I'm going to kill myself if you don't take me back"!

ME: "would you like some help with that at all?", "just a small push over the bridge", "here let me count out lots of pills for you".

Sorry not good! Felt good though!

I make light of everything, it's the way I deal with things. sorry.

If I had an Island I would take all Dominators there and blow the shit out of them, so in response to "DH threatening to leave" I say "let the bastard leave" and be kind to yourself and do not be treated like this, no-one deserves to be treated this way.

I never had those threats from exp. I think he knew I was scared of him leaving (convinced myself dd would suffer too much - idiot I know). What I got was threats of affairs - you're driving me to this crack! Which is equally manipulative and shit. If he had an affair/regular sex then he'd have no excuse to be nasty to me and he wouldn't want that....
Exp was always nastiest to me after I'd given in to sex

I agree with all those saying you should leave him. But - just so you don't have to worry about pregnancy and NOT in any way to facilitate his abusive behaviour - you have plenty of contraception options while breast-feeding. You could use the progesterone-only pill, depot injection, implant or Mirena coil.

If you do decide to have sex with your partner again, I'd be wary about relying on a condom: too easy for him to slip it off. Get yourself sorted with a reliable method - you don't have to tell him that you have done so. Leaflet here

He sounds horrendous and selfish. Poor you Ypu deserve better OP.

What solidgoldbrass said, in spades. I feel for you having put up with this abusive arse. Get rid. And never let him near you without a condom again if you do stay I really hope you don't stay though he sounds vile and you can do so much better.

for the posters on here who have had to endure relationships with these awful excuses for men.

Avon - if I didn't have mn I'd probably still be there. I'm really not exaggerating when I say that

SITI - glad you said that to him - it's important to stand your ground and let him know that you are not his plaything. Well done you!!

Having porn on with a child in the room is child sex abuse.
Your DP could be charged and on the child sex abusers register - online records will show when he was looking at it. You can photograph him - get the HV as a witness to confirm it was on.

You have more cards to play than you know.

Pack his bags for him, and contact the police to get a restraining order immediately if he turns nasty - threaten him with telling the police about the child sex abuse if he doesn't go quietly.

Good luck OP
YOU DESERVE BETTER!