DH threatened to leave (sex related)

[SexIsTheIssue]

We had a few baby free hours Saturday which DH took as an opportunity to row, when I tried to talk he turned away and refused to engage and since then it has been silent treatment with lots of door slamming. His major problem is sex, he wants it everyday, I dont, even before DC (who is 1.2, still BFing and not sleeping) we were 1-3 times a week, now I try to ensure 1 a week even if I dont feel like it (believing the "use it or lose it" mantra) sleep is far more important and I cant say I enjoy it and (TMI) I haven't orgasmed for a long time (to DH this is his measure of enjoyment).

Quantity has always been an issue but more so since pregnancy and explodes in a row every few weeks, DH seems to think he is in a competition with DS for attention and to him attention = sex. I'm exhausted with it all and admit I have withdrawn from DH as I cant cope with the constant sex groping, whinning, sulking and openly looking at porn when me and DS are in the room, i'm also worried about getting PG but DH flatly refuses condoms and when we do have sex it is all about what he wants. I have tried to explain to DH that this is very unattractive and unlikely to make me want sex with him but he threatened that he will leave unless I start enjoying sex more, I dont really know where to go with this, how do you enjoy something more? He basically issued an ultimatum that I have to stop BFing so I can go on the pill (solving 1 problem) and I have to have sex more even when i'm so tired I cry (but he will not allow me to have a lie in, ever, if he is up, everyone is up, if he is asleep woe betide anyone who wakes him).

My question is how do we reach a comprimise when we both seem to have entrenched postions, I cant force myself to enjoy sex more, I dont even have the energy to fake it, DH will not listen to anything I say/changes/suggestions, he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable (he has form with previous GFs). I have suggested counselling in the past but that ended up in an epic sulk and hasn't been mentioned since. Before anyone asks, we used to be equals, he used to respect me and I used to have to confidence to tell him bollocks if he was been unreasonable, now...

He is an abusive dangerous person. The porn watching in front of your ds really disturbed me, it seems like a very aggresive act like a punishment for not giving in to his whims. I think you should let him leave he would be doing you a massive favour. You don't have to be treated like a sub human sex dispenser you are worth so much more than that! I hope everything works out ok for you

Your user name is wrong hon, it should be himbeinganabsoluteprickistheissue. Seriously, get yourself a cuppa and sit down on the sofa. Now... imagine this going on in your life for the next 10, 20 30 years??? Not a great prospect is it?

And tell me, you say you've been together 8 years and used to have a very active sex life: when you look back on it, was that sex life mainly driven by your or by him?

As someone said above, you have an out, he's threatened to leave, so let him...

sorry 'by you'

Thing is, abuse very often starts during pregnancy or shortly after the first baby is born. This is because the woman hasn't really noticed up until then that the man is only Lovely and Wonderful and Charming and Etc if he's getting his own way. There will have been a few rows and bad spells prior to the pregnancy, but (not unreasonably) the woman will say to herself that all couples argue sometimes and it's not the end of the world. And she will start to modify her behaviour, slowly, not really noticing how much she is indulging him, obeying him, allowing him to have sex on her when she's not really in the mood, because the alternative is him sulking, shouting, arguing, threatening to leave...

But during pregnancy, and the first few months of motherhood, the woman stops prioritizing the man because the baby is more important. Quite a few men might resent this - even nice ones might complain that they feel a little bit pushed out and neglected, particularly during that early-parenthood stage of major sleep deprivation, even more so if the newborn is a particularly howly one, as some are. In a healthy relationship, this can usually be resolved with a bit of talking, as long as there is mutual respect and affection.
However, if the man is selfish, and particularly if he is the sort who believes that men are people and women are kind of accessories to them and exist solely for their benefit, he will start to behave badly. He won't do any domestic work, or if asked, he will make a mess of it. He might flirt with other women or start an affair. Or he might start to ask for sex a lot. If he starts picking his moments to ask for sex ie picking bad moments to ask (when you're feeding the baby, when you've just got off to sleep yourself, when you're on the phone or midway through hanging up the washing) then it's easier to spot that it's not sex he wants but the opportunity to abuse you.

Once you've identified that this is what's going on; that he is constantly waving his cock at you and becoming aggressive because he wants to put you in your place and dominate you completely, then there is no hope for the relationship and you need to start making plans to get out. DOn't waste time, effort or money on couple-counselling, which won't work, lose the idea that it's vital to Keep Your Man. If the family's going to be broken, it's HIS fault for abusing you.

OP, this is not normal or acceptable behaviour from your H. He is a controlling, confidence-sapping, abusive bully and his threat to leave could be the get out you're looking for. I would second calling Women's Aid, and Also Rape Crisis, who offer free support/counselling. Please do not consider joint counselling as a PP suggested -totally inappropriate when one party is the abuser. Good luck.

Op you may be finding the reaction on here difficult to match up to what you see in your DH whilst simultaneously knowing what everyone is saying is correct. You may recognise some of the themes within this This is terribly upsetting and difficult to deal with and you really will benefit from the support of women's aid whether you decide to stay, leave or haven't decided at all. Abusers do not abuse all the time, not do they fit neatly into the "bad man" category, they are people and all different. SGB's summary of what underpins the obvious level of sexual entitlement he clearly feels is really excellent. He has beliefs about women and sex which are not your fault and cannot be changed by you and I think the abuse will only escalate. A man who feels entitled to sex and obtains it through co-ercion and emotional abuse very frequently graduates to overt rape and I really feel you need some support. The birth of a child is a very common time for these attitudes to really come out.

Agree with SGB in all aspects, but especially that last: don't use things like your fatherless childhood, or thinking you need be be part of a couple, or what people will think, as a reason for staying with this git. Your children won't thank you for it, apart from anything else. Now, when they're young, is the easiest time to leave.....

Forcing you to 'enjoy' yourself more when he's insisting you acquiesce to sex he clearly knows you don't want is mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive and incredibly sinister. I have been in an abusive relationship and I don't say this lightly, but I would rather someone slap me than have sex that I don't want, with him knowing I'm not enjoying it. It's like agreeing to be raped and so, so damaging.

I think the reason why he's demanding that you enjoy it is not just to mindfuck you abusively, but because he wants to be able to pretend he's not a misogynist, controlling, sexually abusive bully. From your further posts, it's clear that he's been grinding you down for a long time, but because you stuck up to him more then, you fooled yourself it wasn't abuse. Sadly, by the sounds if it, it was, and having a baby has just increased it and your new position in life - which a misogynist will view as lesser and inferior - makes him feel he can step it up and get away with more and more crap.

I would also be very interested to know how anyone makes another person stalk them! How did he explain that his ex forced him to be her stalker and how did you justify it in your mind? You know, you MUST know, that this is totally abnormal, wrong and dangerous behaviour?

You say you want your Ds to grow up with a father, but is that at any cost? A father who cares so little for him that he wants his mother to stop the beautiful nurturing, loving bond of Bfing just for his own selfish pleasure? A man who forces his wife to have sex she doesn't want, and control, bullies, scares and sulks when she doesn't give in to him and keep the peace? What a role model! And as for watching porn openly in front of you both, then that is sexual abuse of your son. Sexual abuse of minors includes making or letting them see pornographic images. He might not understand it right now, but if he can see it, it will affect him. If he lets slip, when older, what Daddy lets him see to a teacher or similar, they would call SS and rightly so. By not doing anything about it, you could be seen as colluding in sexual abuse of your son. I am not being hysterical or exaggerating about this. I found it a massive red flag that he will watch porn in front of you both. He's clearly trying to indicate that he is increasingly dropping boundaries of decency and normalcy and that you can't stop him. To me, this would indicate a man who is hardly going to treat your son well in the future. His need to control and prove points and get his way come above any need your son could ever have and that is wrong and very, very worrying.

Also, please do not listen to much to your mother. She was in an abusive relationship herself, and, whilst she got out eventually, she might not be the best person to judge what is good for you. I say this because her saying that it's not so bad clearly indicates that she still has the mindset of minimising and excusing abuse, because if not, no normal mother could suggest her daughter put up with this. Not being hit is not the benchmark for leaving abuse and having rights as a human being.

Would like SGB's post stickied on Relationships.

He is also on very, very dodgy ground viewing porn in front of your DS. There is a certain type of man who can continue to have sex with a woman when he knows she doesn't want to

I agree with everything solidgoldbrass has said.

And please don't show this thread to you husband. It will achieve nothing.

(Not for the first time, either)

SGB is legend

sex is not the issue. Your H's selfishness is the issue!

Twat!

Hope you are OK OP?

I haven't read the thread in entirety and am not suggesting for a second you accommodate him over his behaviour which sounds horrendous, but for anyone else reading who gets the impression that you have to stop breastfeeding to take the pill, that is absolutely not the case. You can take the combination pill once your baby is 6 months old and on solid food, and you take the mini pill from about 8 weeks postpartum.

SGB is spot on as usual. This person is an abuser. Get him to leave.

He sounds horrible!

I know you want to stay together since you have a baby but you have to ask yourself, now he's shown his true colours, do you really want your kid to grow up in this environment?! I mean, he watches porn when your young son is in the room. Wow. Just wow.

Stand up to him, you should be the one threatening to leave, not him! In the best situation he would back down and he should be making changes to his behaviour - but from the personality you just described, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Sorry you're in this situation.

adrastea - I actually started taking Cerazette (not sure if it's mini-pill or combination...) only 3 weeks after birth.

OP - are you ok?

And the thing is, he's not a good dad, is he? Leaving aside the way he treats the mother of his son , he watches porn in his child's presence and wants you to prioritise his 'need' for sex without a condom over breastfeeding.

Abusive to both of you, on a number of levels. Please don't think you're doing the best for your son by staying with someone like this. You said yourself - you think your DH is this way because of his father. What does that mean for your son if the situation continues?

You do need a method of preventing pregnancy though - I advise showing the cock in your house the door and bolting it behind him for good.

Dear god, please listen to us op, this man is dangerous, really bloody dangerous, to you AND your son.

Make plans to get out. SGB says everything i was thinking.

My blood runs cold at your posts love, please listen?

Thanks for all the concern, I'm ok, been going thru some of the links upthread. I'm in quite a strong position if he did leave I just know he would be an arse and I've been a child caught between warring parents and I would try anything before it got to that. I have contacted the children's centre as they run couples counselling and someone is going to get back to me in the morning, I think I need it with or without him.

He has come home with flowers so he at some level aware that his behaviour is not on, but whether its the sulking or sex he is sorry for I don't know, I don't want another argument tonight, I've made it clear I'm going to bed now in the spare room as I will not allow him to grope and wake me for sex/a row at 3am, its been a long time since I spoke to him so forcefully so maybe he might pay attention.

The porn use has been an issue since the start of our relationship, he used to be discreet although I felt he was obssessed with it we agreed to disagree, now he has it on the laptop all the time and left it on once when the HV was here. I know its not acceptable, I hate it, I don't know how to stop him using it like that, me warning that they would take DS has not changed anything.

'DH has stalked ex-GF but I believed him when he said it was all her fault'

RED FLAG!

Nothing really useful to add, and others have posted v useful links etc, but I hope you find the right solution.