Huffy, illiterate men, scared of peas, it's a weird, weird dating world (No22)

[ChaoticismyLife]

Oh, watch...you mentioned flowers

Tell us more...

I don't think there is any advice anyone can give tbh.

I have no luck with any man, ever. I do meet men in RL, but never see them again either, just like the online ones.

I don't think tbh there's any difference between my persona and me, but the only other people who could confirm this are the men I date, and it's not exactly as though I can ask any of them...

No advice Sponge, apart from don't take it personally. I don't get dates at all, because the men I attract are fucking mingers not my type, or a bit odd, and yes, I do sometimes wonder why only the potatoes hit on me, but I don't take it personally. They are only blokes after all

Just had a text from the first POF date I had weeks ago asking me for coffee. I've decided I may as well, as I've spelled out that I'm not into him, told him I went on a great date at the weekend and he still says its just good to have a coffee with someone 'normal and nice'!

I'm banking on it tempting fate, so that the weekend date will contact me. Do you think it will work?

Just seen nice weekend man was on Match as I went on to hide my profile now I've not got membership. Hmmm. Not a good sign. He's not texted today either. Am getting bad vibes here, he said as I was going he'd see me very soon but no mention of another date. God probably I was really shite in bed, so out of practice and have put him off or he was just after a shag Can't think what else it could be, I thought it was really good and relaxed but seems like I've misread the situation.

I meant to say, no mention of another date since then.

No Sponge, you have the power here to make him feel like you do by dumping him. Honestly, us men have egos, even me. Admittedly, my ego is tiny. Text him to say you see no future in you as a couple so don't contact me again.

Western, believe me our kid, it ain't you, it's him. You're not shit in bed, he's an idiot for seemingly fucking and chucking you. Don't take it personally, he probably does to all his conquests. That makes him an insecure tosser.

Not all of us are bastards. We may be potatoes, and I wear the spud badge with pride, but us spuds are not players. We can't afford to be.

Doing, I think you're proving me right about us potatoes. We appreciate 'normal and nice'.

But I don't want to dump him. Because there is an infinitessimally small chance he does actually like me, and might just might want to see me again. Am I totally stupid for thinking this? Surely if I think highly of myself - and I do - he should want to see me again?

Or is that just me being stupid and deluded? :(

I'd rather he dumped me. Why couldn't his last message have said 'feel like shit, got my daughter this weekend and tbh even though I said I had fallen for you, was besotted with you and would make you mine I actually cant be arsed ever seeing you again'

Oh bollocks, why is it all so unfair? :(

Oh sponge, it is all so unfair! And no, you are not stupid and deluded, you are hopfeful because he told you he was besotted and you know you are beautiful and amazing and worth someone being besotted with you. The hard part is that you don't know exactly what he is thinking or what's actually going on for him - none of us do. We can dish out all the advice we want but none of us really know if he is a twat or a player or genuinely besotted but just being a lazy, indecisive male with no inkling of the hell he's putting you through. Its draining and it sucks, but you will get through it.

Oh Sponge, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. And I know what you mean about wishing he'd sent a message like that - I just can't stand being 'in limbo' where men are concerned. I like to know either that they're interested or they aren't.

Since being back on Match for the last two days, not only have I not found a single man I want to send a message to, but it seems the feeling is mutual - no one's sent me as much as a wink!

Western, I'd be pretty gutted too if I'd seen he was back on Match/hasn't texted today/hasn't suggested another date. I'm hoping I'm wrong and he'll be in touch. But, if he isn't, then, like Nicholas said, I'm sure it's nothing you did - I know it's a cliche, but it's him, not you.

He likes you, but he lacks the balls to tell you he doesn't want to see you again. Trust me here. In the past I have been guilty of just the same tactics. I let a beautiful young lady down exactly like this because I wasn't ready for a relationship but was too scared to tell her.

So get rid, he is not on the same page as you.

He'll heave a sigh of relief and you can move on. You'll get there, honestly, you're gorgeous and intelligent, not to mention funny. Way out of my league.

You have to believe that you have the power in a relationship, because it's true. Get past relationships out of your head, they're not going to help. You are better than him.

Yoga thank you :) how are you feeling now re Mr60? I probably wouldn't be able to delete his details yet fwiw - I still have Mrnotreadyforacommitments number in my phone, and he binned me off (after one date - of course) ages ago...

That post was aimed at Sponge. Though many others may feel affinity with what I said.

I was an arse, but was not long out of a 15 year relationship. I apologise to her. Gail, if you're reading, sincerely, I am sorry, I treated you terribly. I hope you're happy.

marking place on sofa:)

Sponge I'm better tonight thanks - the latest bought of misery has passed but I know he's not out of my system yet. x

Thank you Nicholas and Libby. Are you from Manchester btw Nicholas? It's the "our kid" that sounds familiar!! Well, never mind, will treat this as a salutary lesson in not getting carried away on a tide of hormones and lust. Will proceed with more caution in future! Feel a bit used though . . .

Still, have got a profile up on OK Stupid now for a bit of a change and have smiled or winked or whatever it is at a couple of blokes on PoF as well as chatting to my friendly quarrymen, accountant, care home owner (called me "chuck" so will have to go) and various others . . . Got Indian lawyer wanting to drive up from London and take me out for lunch - I think not!

Feeling pretty crap though tbh.

Waaaaaaaah! A phrase I coined is in a thread title!!

(Unspeakably excited).

Oh sponge sponge sponge......

Can I make a magical woo suggestion? Please? Would you change your name to Lovesponge? Or Spongeoflove? Or ChristI'msogorgeousandit's sobloodytediousI'mbeatingallthesemenoffwithashittysticksponge?

Because you are so brilliant and wonderful and gorgeous, but you're telling everyone- with that user name- that everyone hates you. Or that's what you think. And I would suspect that you might be giving off some of those vibes in RL, perhaps? I think, when we're meeting blokes, some of what we really think of ourselves just oozes out.

It's like, for example, when I went on a business start up course last week.The bloke next to me was oozing helplessness and depression, and, when we had to talk about ourselves, went on and on about how he was brutally sacked from his last job. Well, so was I- but I didn't even mention it. Didn't occur to me to do so. Why would i tell everyone what a fucking failure I am?

I'm rambling, because I suspect what your problem is, but am struggling to articulate it. I used to be like you- I was always banging on about not having a boyfriend. It probably drove a lot of blokes away. Nowadays, I still don't have a boyfriend, but have trained myself, over the course of years, to Not Give A Shit. Well, it seems that I'm having some (very) modest success with this internet thing, but this is after months of trying and having very few messages and no dates at all, but it didn't matter- because I don't give a shit! So I don't care. So, when someone half decent looms into view, I'm not driving them away- I think it's because I so obviously don't give a shit!!

God, does that make any sense at all?

Ah but Nicholas I might be gorgeous and intelligent and funny (thank you) although also a miserable PITA much of the time but no men I date ever appreciate any of that, not enough to even spend a few more hours in my company. I don't expect to marry every man I date, or even end up in a relationship, but none of them, having spent an hour or two or 10 in my company want to repeat the experience :(

Could there be ANY significance in the fact that for 3 of my last 5 dates (this latest fiasco, MrCommitment, and MrPlayer) I was their first ever internet date (I was only MrIll's second)...

Western I'm sorry. I really hope this man isn't an arse. He could still come good :)

Libby I never saw anyone decent on Match, it's not just you.

I've deleted my profile on POF now. Barring anyone's attempts at blind date matchmaking, that's me done with the world of online dating for the time being.

Stubborn I am quite attached to my name (it's a Peep Show reference). If I change it, I will have to go for something completely different, and not Sponge related. Will have a think (unless anyone has any suggestions).

I get what you're saying about the impression I may give off, and obviously I don't know really how I come across to the other person on dates. BUT in general I've always been told I seem very capable, non-clingy etc - my lovely Ex (ok, so he was biased) said I was the most independent person he'd ever met. The guy on Saturday and I had a long chat about how theres nothing wrong with being single, in fact it has a lot going for it, and how being in a bad relationship is a much lonelier and miserable place to be etc.

Yes, of course I do moan on here all the sodding time about being single but thats mainly cos I can't do it in RL, (except occasionally on FB) because most people who know me in RL think it's weird I can't get a boyfriend. Hence I try not to draw attention to it...

Hello all, relatively new but been lurking a while.

Trivial question really, what would be the best way to stop seeing a lovely guy for no reason other than we are not on the same wavelength with our expectations - He wants a relationship and I don't. Would you call him and do it quickly or arrange a time to sit down and catch up break it to him gently?

I have my reservations about meeting him for a coffee or something, the whole "we need to talk" thing is a dreadful cliche in my eyes. Can't I do it in a phone call? so I can write down what I want to say beforehand and stick to it and also so I don't have to deal with an audience and an awkward goodbye

Oh sorry, I was just ranting like an eejit.

It's so intangible, I don't think I managed to explain it at all. Sorry.

Except the not giving a shit bit, I'll stick by that. Easier said than done, I know.

sponge I am glad you're feeling better now, I didn't want to think of you crying in the loo.

stubbornstains is my favourite now. I know that must be devastating for none a bunch of you, don't worry I'm fickle.

Back from the gym with PM, he's awfy quiet, didn't ask about the prof, posted something we were talking about earlier on his fb as soon as he got in.

Someone said, threads ago (might have been time?) look at him like you're in love with him, because you are. I have spent an evening of gazing adoration.

...and then I came home and de-fleaed the cats.

watch. I hope your talk with mr-was-L went ok & you managed to talk some sense into your vagina and didn't fuck him again sponge honey, I have no advice left, other than fuck it, stop thinking about it. (which isn't helpful)

I did something good and helpful today and while one does stuff to do stuff and not get any recompense, and not believing in karma, I feel fucking good about it. The profs lovely flattery helps, but the cynical bit thinks that is because he wants to piss in my mouth shag me, but being able to it be insular and reach out to do something that i regard as small, but might change a life is totally fucking awesome. So I rock, hard.

Likeit can you email him? If not then definitely phone rather than face to face, I'd avoid that at all costs!

And don't worry re the crying, I have a cry in the loo at work quite often. And on the train home. Or the walk from the station. Sometimes while I'm sitting at my desk a big fat tear will sneak out. I've got quite good at crying silently, I just need now to stop getting a red nose and will be quite the master of my art...

stubborn no feel free to rant, I'm just not very good with criticism. I have to be the best at everything - hence why I struggle with my lack of dating success.

sponge I can't really email him. It's going to be a phone call then. Eek, what if it goes to voicemail?

Oh crap. What do I say "Hi X, how's it going? Listen, this isn't going to work out, we want totally different things - you're far too clingy and emotionally invested already and it wouldn't be fair for me to continue seeing you. I hope you find what you're looking for, you truly deserve it don't be quite so full on next time after only 3 dates. Byee"

Hm. That might work actually.

Likeit I dumped someone after a 9 month relationship by voicemail on the way home after a date with him . He deserved it though.

So, turns out my date from Sat is friends with several people who are friends with friends of mine on FB (does that make sense?!), tis a v v small world...