Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

[butterscotchbiscuit]

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

I find it so hard to make the break when I would really not likely meet anyone else,and ,although I am happy with my own company and the dc and friends - plus full time career- I would like a loving partnership.

Awww greenearrings I hear you, I hear you....

Yes, it is hard to find a decent partner these days.....once you are past your 20s/early 30s it really does get harder, for everyone. The good news for you though is at least you have your DC, sothat takes some pressure off. But NO reason to allow yourself to settle for second best with this chap. And as long as he's around, there really is no chance to meet anyone else.

Look at me - dishing out this advice, when I'm still yet to take the plunge/make the break myself!! Well at least I'm learning from this thread!

And what do they say though? You have to fake it till you make it. It's the 'As if' principle - act 'as if' you've done the thing you need to do, and it'll make the thing (giving up smoking, starting to exercise or ditching the semi-detached man) that much easier.....

(And yes - I bought that 'Rip It Up' book by Richard Wiseman at the airport on Sunday......)

It's a good read ladies (so far) - I can recommend it!

Yep saveme - totally this:

I find myself hoping to find some flaw which would make him a wanker, but the bugger is fairly perfect, apart from his semi-detached status. How very inconsiderate!!

Oh god, this is so my problem. As Gentle said, when I finally get some distance and ditch my Remains of the Day spectacles, I'll finally see that he's not God's Gift to Women in His Entirety.

Sadly - I either have had really bad luck to meet such a lovely guy (minus commitmentphobia) or I'm delusional and the drug will wear off eventually.

Either way - hope it resolves soon

Me too!! Sorry, it's too late for a sensible reply! Have a good night dreaming of terraces!!

Oh butterscotch he is so evidently not god's gift to aaanyone, and most certainly not you - after all, he can't give you what you want.

Imagine the scenario, I say 'what do you want for your birthday?'
You say 'I want a musical can opener. Actually I just want a can opener, I need one, but a musical one would be ace!'
I give you an ipod, saying 'enjoy all the music! Oh by the way you can't buy another can opener while you own this.'

You'd be pretty 'wtf?' wouldn't you?!

It doesn't matter how shiney and fancy he seems now, if he is stopping you meeting the kind of man you want to be with, then he's got to go. An ipod can't open any cans, and therefore will never be a can opener.

Hello Butterscotch
You poor thing; you sound like a great person, and deserve better than this.
This man is not right for you and he knows it. He is being weak and selfish by keeping you dangling like this.
Have you thought of having your eggs frozen? It would maybe take the pressure off a bit regarding the biological clock. I don't know much about the procedure, but maybe someone else can advise?
Sending a big hug.

I love your whole post blackcurrants! :o

It's getting easier for me. He sent me a message last night saying he's really unhappy now. I turned my phone off.

I feel so proud of myself for managing to do it. I am suffering. I feel so wounded. But I still found the strength to turn my phone off!

I didn't realise how much of my self esteem was being sucked into the relationship and his sketchy commitment to me.

and if I could figure out how to print out the whole thread to read and re-read, I would.

There's a View Whole Thread button at the top somewhere. Or c+p to Word

Tempted to go to Specsavers today and ask for a Remains of the Day eye test

Well done on turning the phone off Jade!

Butter, I'm sorry yours is pretty perfect too. I feel awful when I raise this with DP as in almost every other respect our relationship is so good and easy! He's funny, he's kind, and he has an awful lot of crap from his kids' mum who has MH issues, so I keep feeling I should be supportive. On the other hand, I think why should I handle all the crap from her (it has got very personal on occasion) when he won't commit to me?! In fact, the whole question for me of having another child was put in my head when she told me he chose to have two kids with her but would never choose to have kids with me. Luckily, I'm just about mature enough not to get pregnant to spite his ex

You need some of these :o

I think the right answer here is that he's just not that into you.

I've met people who state no to marriage, etc, until they met the right person for them.

OP, you'll be doing yourself and him a favour by dumping him and stopping all contact.

I fired off an email last night, spelling it out. It had to be done, this trying to reel me in has upset me again. Not had a response yet.

Technically you don't need to email him just because you are upset that he is not respecting your boundaries - it's just another reason for communicating with the bloke, but I can see why it's tempting. Now that you have spelled it out you have done your bit though. You don't need a response! Why not set up a filter in your email so that anything he sends you gets redirected to trash. Now you can try and move on with your life. Good luck Tressy.

Gentle, I feel so much better for sending it now. We have a lot of history blah blah........I think it called for some finality. Relief now, I've even told him there is someone else.

Really glad you are feeling relieved :)

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. You are never going to change him no matter how long you wait. If he is unable to commit he should cut all ties and let you get on with your life. Although I agree with other posters that he does sound like he has serious issues which go deeper than commitment

Just wondered, are we all dating the same bloke? I have mine Monday, Tues, Thurs nights and often on a Sat. Is there any overlap?!!

(that's going to go down well if he's keeping an eye on this thread)!!!

I have now not responded for a total of five messages. Go me!

I know he is only so keen for a response so I will say no of course you aren't seeing someone else. He's so desperate not to be the bad guy. But not prepared to put the hours in so he isn't the bad guy!

This is turning into such a positive thread despite the heartache - it's fab what strong women can achieve when we put our minds to it :o

Been lurking on this thread for the past few days.

High-fives all round to all of you strong women as Pidjin puts it!

I had a heart-wrenching relationship with a commitmentphobe in my twenties. I loved him like I have never loved anyone else, before or since, including DH. It was an actual physical ache like some of you are describing.

It was also a horrible way to live my life. Thank God I got out of it when I did, went on to meet DH (after a few other side-tracks!) and like another poster said waaaay upthread (actually I think it was you again Pidjin if I am not mistaken!), life is now EASY. It's awesome. All the love without the ache. That is what is waiting for you ladies! Go get it!!!

Well done, Jade! I'd have crumpled by now!!

You can do it. I would but I'm too busy buying those glasses...

I'm getting there. I haven't cried today. That's a good thing. I have completely lost my appetite though and I'm starting to run out of steam. I've only eaten a sandwich today. I can't face anything else.

You're doing really well, Jade. I know the appetite thing. Do take daily vitamins and try and tempt yourself with your favourite food, give yourself treats of all kinds and be good to yourself. If you don't eat well your mood will crash and you will be really susceptible to falling back in to contacting him just for some kind of relief. Stay strong!

I must have really gotten through this time. Silence is golden. Had a bit of a wobble when I realised how alone I'm going to be. Also, how he is the only man I've had feelings for for many years. It's not always the case that you will meet someone else, well it is in most peoples case but not in mine. Still he would never make me happy, would he?

Jade, you will start feeling better soon, I promise, just keep the NC going.

I wasted 4 years to-ing and fro-ing with a man I was very much in love with. I could have written your posts - his panic, the splits, the reunions etc. He finished with me (again) 4 months after we finally loved Jan together. The evening before we'd had dinner with his sister and BIL and he had been discussing the best way to plan a wedding. As it was New Years Eve the next day I thought an engagement might be on the cards. But he finished with me. I asked him about the wedding conversation and he said "I was discussing MY wedding, not OUR wedding." We were living together, after 4 years together and he was STILL that detached.

I knew I couldn't take any more and moved 70 miles away, utterly shattered. I cut all ties. He rang me 8onths later to tell me he had hot engaged, they were about to get married and "she wants 3 children by the time she's 30." I was 31, and he had said he "didn't want children at the moment." What he meant was "not with you."

I crashed around for a couple of years, worked like mad, and without warning met my DH. We were engaged in 8 weeks. When you know, you know. 12 years and 3 kids later I couldn't be happier.

And the ex predictably left the new wife too. And their two children. He had the nerve to email me out of the blue (why would I want to know??) to tell me he "wasn't the marrying kind." No shit.

Listen to this man OP. Have one last shag, then get out, and stay out. You want to be happy? Getting rid gets you a whole lot closer to your dreams. x x x