Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

[butterscotchbiscuit]

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

Very eloquent, Blackcurrant, and I'm sure I'm one of many MNers feeling wistful at your romantic story! . So true about seeing the CP as an obstacle to be got past/around - it's also helpful to try to stop thinking of him as 'The One who got away' - he's the one I got away from!

Yup, also greatly enjoyed blackcurrant's post and felt a certain amount of

It sounds like every time you're close to bring over him he has to start playing with you again. He doesn't sound all that nice tbh. He's not going to change so you either accept that the crumbs he offers are enough ( I wouldn't) or cut contact and mean it.

He's not the One That Got Away, he's a Lucky Escape!

My tale gets worse. I got a message from that guy this evening that he meant to send to another girl.

At first I was really mad, but now I feel kinda relieved. Now there's no kidding myself that he wasn't an asshole. It's quite freeing actually.

He wasn't the love of my life. He was a total idiot.

Lucky escape indeed!

Since DP read the message I posted on this thread the other day things have been very strained between us. It's amazing how seeing things written down clarifies your thinking. He feels bad that he finds our current situation (he's at mine for a few nights a week) ideal, whereas I don't. I find it less hurtful than I used to though. He says he knows it needs to progress, but that's very different in my mind to wanting it to progress. I know I need to wash up, but I'm buggered if I want to!! I don't doubt his love for me, but I can't understand not wanting to build a life with the person you love (and I don't mean being in each others' pockets), I mean knowing that the other person is there for you and you are there for them.

Not sure this even makes sense, but I'm very sad that the best relationship I've ever had is being rocked. He says he's sorry for how he is, but that doesn't change the fact that we want different things, does it?

Oh, and Jade, congrats on getting that message by error, however much you hurt you know what you are dealing with!!

I know exactly what you mean crickets. There's knowing someone loves you - and there's knowing someone loves you as much as you love them. It does sting. And even though it sounds like you've papered over it pretty well, the stinging lies beneath.

It sounds like there may be hope for you though! Seeing you half the week is a

much better place to start than none of the week.

Thank you for your kind reply. He's since sent me a load of apology messages and told me it wasn't what it looked like. Proud to say I'm ignoring them!

Hey guys!

Thank you so much for your messages....I'm sorry it's been 24 hours. I'm on holiday this week and went back to my parents' yesterday and my time has not been my own!

First of all - jade I am so sorry to hear what's happened. If this is any comfort at all (I know it won't be) I am actually kind of envious. (Hear me out....)

It doesn't matter if they're 'essentially' a good guy with a real problem (panic attakcs / true phobia / whatevs) or they're just a bit cr*p and are now texting other girls..... The point is that they're all united in the fact that they aren't / can't / won't offer us what we want and that's what's so painful and that's why it's good to be 'released' from the spell..... 'Cos it's really horrible being in thrall to these guys.

As Tressy said - It's horrible when you still miss them isn't it?

It is. It really is.

And the more horrible they are - at least it makes it a lot easier to say - fine -P*ss off then. I know the pain right now is horrible and seeing that he's texted another girl is just hideous....

But as kinkynagbag said to me -
i wonder if you (and me) are finding it so hard becasue of how good he treated you. if there had been reasons or bad things we could focus on it and it wouldnt' be as hard to let them go.

It's really, really true. Some people on here have said my commitmentphobe is not all that 'nice' after all, seeing as he's keeping me trapped in a way -

(Ha...just thought...at parties in future maybe I should introduce him as 'And this is my commitmentphobe....') -

but another has said he's a decent guy and is probably equally as fcked up by all this and so the hurt he's causing is not 'deliberate'.... Either way - what I'm trying to say is that when they're 'nice' it makes it all the harder to leave. So in being a sht to you jade, in many ways he's released you..... You can walk way so much more easily and more confidently now.....

I know this is scant comfort now..... but trust me - so many people have (thankfully) scared me on here with tales of how it could be in five years' time with my fertility up shit creek and we're still draggin on or he;s gone and left me anyway for someone else.

You've been RELEASED. You need to think of it like that. You're free now to find a guy who will love you and want to be with you - just in the way that blackcurrants found her chap.... It IS a silver lining....

Sorry!! I read your name as crickets!!

Yes butterscotch, you know exactly how I'm feeling :)

I am heartbroken - but the fact that he is now proving that this wasn't some Romeo and Juliet shit makes it so much easier. I know that what I'm letting go of isn't the massive sacrifice I thought it was.

Come on butterscotch, you can do it! Be brave xx

Haha thanks jade - I am really gearing up to. We're due to see each other this weekend. I'm going to read and re-read this thread - it is seriously a goldmine of encouragement and support - and see if I can FINALLY do it this weekend.

I think I am in a similar stage to Tressy (or will be soon) and it would be great to be where Gentle is who said

I miss them like mad but it wouldn't occur to me to pick up the phone and actually call them or to expect a text because I have drummed it into my head that I just don't do that anymore. Cos I know it will make me miserable.

That is what I want and this thread has helped immeasurably.

Jade I am so sorry though - believe me I know how sh*tty you are feeling right now...

"He says he's sorry for how he is, but that doesn't change the fact that we want different things, does it?"

If he loved you, he would want you to be happy - sorry means "I'm going to carry on walking all over you because you're a decent shag and do my laundry" in this context.

Read a few of the DV threads on here. The women there make exactly the same excuses - he had a horrible childhood; he loves me; he's not normally like it; he can't help it; he didn't mean it...

Butterscotch, why do you need to see him this weekend? Cancel, tell him you'll be in touch if you decide to pursue the relationship, then delete his number!

Thank you x it's lovely to know that sometime gets it. Time will help. And lots of cheering stuff and keeping busy.

This thread has been a real confidence boost to me too. You know, you can't help wonder if only you tried a bit harder or compromised more, it would work out. But that's not the way of it. There's a pattern to these guys behaviour and compromising only makes it worse. You give them enough rope and they'll hang your relationship

savemefromrickets and Walkacrossthesand - thanks for sharing your experiences too.

Again - it is incredibly reassuring to know you're not alone....when I first posted this on Monday I had know idea whether there would be anyone out there who could empathise or who had got into a similar situation or who could just advise. I am so so glad I posted. Hopefully this will be life changing for me, reading all your advicec / comments!

Walkacrossthesand - you said it so succintly when you said I had to leave him for my self esteem and my baby prospects - bon courage! Am repeating that to myself ad infinitum!!

(savemefromrickets - am sorry things have been strained for you since reading this thread though!)

You know, you can't help wonder if only you tried a bit harder or compromised more, it would work out. But that's not the way of it.

• oh absolutely. I ALWAYS wonder that. The only comfort for me is that he's done the exact same thing to all his other ex girlfriends. As you say -

There's a pattern to these guys behaviour and compromising only makes it worse. You give them enough rope and they'll hang your relationship.

Completely, utterly.

PurplePidjin This is the thing - we see each other every other weekend really. I am down south at the moment but going back up north at the weekend and he will drive over from where he lives (also up north). I figure it's better to do what I have to do in person as we are so CLOSE. I know that soujds crazy (considering he won't commit) - but when I said it's like a relationship in everything but name (exclusivity and everything) it really is. So doing what i need to do over the phone or by text feels bad/awful/mean. (Yes...I know...I know.....)

However - I also know that doing it in person is fraught with 'danger' and which is why I've failed many times before.

HOWEVER - I didn't have the kick ass advice and support behind me then that I do now just from this thread...really. It's helped a lot, and made me feel a lot stronger.

Same shit different guy! :o

We're much better off though. Better to be the girl with a heart and a future

sobasoma - not sure if you'll return this thread but thanks again for sharing your experience - and also for this stark warning -

Don't lose your chance to be a mother if that's what you really want.

• which is again probably at some point going to find its way onto my fridge!!

jade Better to be the girl with a heart and a future

Soooooo true!!! Love it

PS> And good to see you !!

In that case, meet for coffee on neutral territory and have something arranged for afterwards so you're not tempted to fall into bed with him.

I'm also down South if you need your arse kicked in real life although at 6 1/2 months pregnant i don't kick very hard

MadBusLady

Thanks so much for your message.... I have to say you did make me chortle muchly when you said it was all a bit Remains of the Day....

In fact that helped soooo much - it does seem a bit ludicrous.....and I HAVE been feeling very much as if my future without him will involve mucho pathetic fallacy / staring out at park through windows streaked with rain.

It's a GREAT analogy actually, as there's more than a whiff of the Anthony Hopkins/repressed/stiff upper lip/Brit about him - and I'm the wailing, flailing, emotional, desparing, frustrated Emma Thompson!!!

This -

try to cultivate a bit of unreasonable rattiness and selfishness towards this man and the sheer amount of time and effort he's made you expend on him. And a bit of laughter (kind laughter) at yourself for doing it. Ok, he's not a bastard, he has a genuine problem, he's not trying to be a twat on purpose. Medal for him! But there is selfishness in the way he's behaving, and you need to develop the same instinct. Be a bit "for fuck's sake!" about it all.

• is such damn good advice.

And this also scared the sh*t out of me, so thank you -

Imagine the scenario somebody else predicted, that you move on from each other and it's all weepy and terrible and Merchant Ivory, and the next thing you hear is that he's happily shacked up with a baby - how angry would that make you feel? That it's not a massive romantic tragedy for him any more, that he got over himself for someone else in a way he didn't for you? Backdate some of that anger.

• Goldplated advice. Yeah - so there's a lot of stuff jostling for space on my fridge now..... May have to frame this one if there's no room!

(Seriously though - thank you.)

I'm in the midlands so I can kick your arse on the way up!

Pidgin, you made me laugh. I don't do his laundry, I've done a couple of bits in the past but he's clearly not comfortable with that particular element of quasi-domesticity . Can't say the shame for the shagging though, but it's very kind of you to suggest I am decent at it!!

PS sorry I got your name wrong, it wasn't tie for tat