Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

280 replies

butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 12:37

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

OP posts:
butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 14:49

HotDAMNlifeisgood

You said - 'You cannot have a relationship with this particular man. I'm sorry.'

Thanks - those are definitely the tough words I need to hear. And your steps to go cold turkey are all sensible. But again - do you or does anyone else have experience of what doing this was like for them, and how they got through it?

The trouble is I am so scared of it affecting me badly and not sleeping again. My job means that lack of sleep has bad consequences. (That sounds like I operate heavy machinery or fly planes..I don't! But still.....) So yeah...I'm worried about the fall out interfering big style with my life.... (Though yes - staying with him is also 'interfering big style with my life!')

I also moved to a new city for a new job so don't have tons of old friends nearby for support, and home is quite far - though I do have lovely colleagues who are becoming friends.... The problem I think is that I rely on him too much too as I'm in a new place....All not good ingredients for getting me out of this situ.....

OP posts:
butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 14:53

Sassymay

"At the same time, be kind to the part of you that clings to someone who is not fully available. Be curious about this."

Thanks for your kind words. Yes...I think you're right to question this. Another poster said something ab out co-dependency and although I don't really know what that entails, I guess there is something in that that I need to look into...

OP posts:
butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 14:59

Tressy

Such a relief to find someone who has been through exactly this - even for the same length of time! "He acts as though he is in a relationship with me but cannot commit" - that is EXACTLY what it's like!

Your comment that he is older is also a stark reminder that he is unlikely to change, and that yes, although he's 38 now, this could go on for decades....

I just have a couple of questions for you:

  • Did you cut all contact completely?

and importantly....

  • How have you coped since you cut the cord? (Yes...even that terminology sounds very umbilical and shows how dependent I've become...)

So reassuring to know that someone else has gone through something similar, as it IS hellish, and does erode your self esteem, even though he's a kind person and doesn't mean to....).

How did you wake yourself / wean yourself off this drug and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH - I deserve more?

This is where I seem to be really stuck (as well as all the fretting that I won't meet anyone else who has his good qualities.....)

OP posts:
butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 15:05

PurplePidjin

Yes - you're quite right....as I said in the post above, it is starting to erode my self-esteem. As essentially at the bottom of the commitmentphobia is the notion that they 'don' want to make the wrong mistake' so yes, it's basically saying - not sure you're good enough. It is torturous though because at the same time you are so close and the companionsip is wonderufl and they tell you that they love you. It's horrible, really. But as I said to Tressy just now - I don't know nhow to get out of this, finally. I'm rereading all the comments and hoping I can take on board all the 'you need to ditch him/the situation asap' but again - just struggling with the how. Guess I need to grow some backbone really. It's hard to leave someone who's loving and kind though. If he was a cheater / abuser / whatever it'd be so much easier! (Easy words to say, of course....)

NB. You'll make a fabulous mother Pidjon....can tell from your kind words. Best of luck!!!!

OP posts:
Tressy · 10/09/2012 15:14

I, like you have tried to cut contact once or twice then let him back in only to regret it again. This time, I didn't stop him texting etc to see if I was OK then asking to see me again, but did find the strength to keep saying no. So it's been left amicable but I refuse to get together again. It's got to the stage where I am not responding to him now. Honestly reading through your posts, I could have written them, right down to the children issue, as it might have been possible when we first met!

Mine isn't faithful though so it's easy to think of him with other women to keep my resolve. So slightly different. Gawd knows how old he will be when he finally settles into a relationship, I'm not hanging around for that, as it probably won't be with me.

I agree with other posters, these men make you feel you are not quite good enough, you don't tick all their boxes and it chips away at your self esteem. Not matter how perfect he is compared to other ex boyfriends, I won't let anyone make me feel unworthy of them. I just hope that the next man I let in is a real man with real feelings for me.

Yokel · 10/09/2012 15:15

Dump me once - shame on you.
Dump me twice - shame on me.

You need to start getting angry with him, OP, and that will give you the impetus to walk away and find someone (or something) that makes you feel happy enough not to be posting in Relationships.

He's not treating you well, for reasons that are actually irrelevant. His other fine qualities count for nothing and - it's a cliche, but it's true - you're worth more than that.

PurplePidjin · 10/09/2012 15:18

Slightly different, but I went through a string of "I like you and am very fond of you but I'm not in love with you so lets just shag and see what happens" in my late teens and early twenties. After uni, I pretty much went celibate (one nighters don't count Wink) and was single for 5 years until, 2.5 years ago, I met dp.

With Dp, it's easy. We met. We liked each other. We met each others families and like them. We introduced the in laws and they like each other. He found a job nearby and moved in. Life has thrown us some serious shit (5 redundancies between us in 8 months, during which time I fell pg accidentally. I honestly do not know how we still have a roof over our heads) recently, but loving him is still... easy. And the same can be said of other successful couples I know, some still going after 20, 30, 40 years.

I was prepared to neverget married, never have children, to never meet the right person. Part of that was because I didn't think I deserved someone that good, but I had accepted that part of me and made peace. That was when I was ready to settle to a committed, loving relationship. So, it does happen!

Tressy · 10/09/2012 15:29

Also I would affirm to myself everytime I felt the pangs of longing. If he wants me again he has to step up. He hasn't so he doesn't.

butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 16:03

Tressy

Reading this - "Honestly reading through your posts, I could have written them" - is soo comforting to me too! Because obviously no-one I know has any personal experience of this and it's so hard explaing to people what it is. So good to know I'm not alone and there MUST be other women (and men?) out there who been through this.

Your advice is really good, and has helped me steel myself for what I know I need to do. Even the bit about allowing contact but just not capitulating is perhaps a happy medium. Also removes some of the pain that comes from no contact... (which makes you crave them more.) But still holding firm.

"I just hope that the next man I let in is a real man with real feelings for me." - hear hear!!!

And yes - " If he wants me again he has to step up. He hasn't so he doesn't." - this is from henceforth my mantra. Might print it out and stick it to the fridge Smile

OP posts:
butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 16:05

Yokel Thanks Yokel - you're right. I do kind of need to start getting a bit fiester. He must realise after all that I've wasted three of my dwindling childbreeding years on him! I thibnk he knows, but....

The problem is all his other 'fine qualities', but as you say....in this scenario, those fine qualities are really doing diddly squat for me at the moment. I need to realise that.

OP posts:
butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 16:07

PurplePidgin

"I was prepared to neverget married, never have children, to never meet the right person. Part of that was because I didn't think I deserved someone that good, but I had accepted that part of me and made peace. That was when I was ready to settle to a committed, loving relationship. So, it does happen!"

That TOTALLY gives me hope!!!! Thanks Pidgin Smile

OP posts:
hopenglory · 10/09/2012 16:12

I really am struggling to see how he treats you well to be honest.

GentleLentilWeaver · 10/09/2012 16:12

Have only skim-read the 2nd page so apologies if I am missing anything crucial. OP, you asked how to do it i.e go no contact.

I am currently 2 months in to no contact with someone who in many ways was like your love interest. Deep seated issues (requiring years of therapy which is only falteringly starting now) that prevented emotional intimacy/a relationship, even though we did love each other in a way. Well, I loved them, friends have told me repeatedly no-one could love me and then treat me that way so perhaps it wasn't love on their side.

The things that have kept me going where I would have failed before were friends, getting support from people where before I was quite lonely and didn't know many people. I have made a real effort to deepen existing friendships and make new ones and this has paid off because it means the love interest isn't my only source of support.

Also blogging about it and reading the Baggage Reclaim website obsessively. Writing out thoughts instead of ranting AT the person in question has helped enormously. Looking back at previous posts to see how your attitudes have changed over time and how far you have come. Noting down things you don't like them as the scales start to slip and you remember shitty things they did to you. Affirming what you want in the future and noting how the past relationship didn't support that and never will - essentially, using writing as a tool for letting go of denial and for letting go of the person, to stop it all sloshing round in your head.

The man before my most recent ex went no contact on me very unexpectedly. It was hell. It's almost a year since he suddenly disappeared on me and I'm over him, I rarely think about him anymore although that's probably because I replaced the relationship with an equally toxic co-dependant dynamic with someone else!

Advice from friends that has helped; see them as a drug and you have to come off them. Only when you have obtained the necessary perspective through a complete lack of contact can you even judge the situation honestly because you are clouded with drugged-up-ness at the moment, with them as the drug of choice. Also cold-turkey isn't supposed or expected to be fun, quick or easy so seeing it in this light makes it easier to be realistic about what you are in for. i.e the first few days are like torture, the first week is hell, the first 2 weeks are hard, after the first month you turn a little corner but be prepared to relapse emotionally and crave them, don't think that means you should contact them, also don't think relapses mean you have failed or are back to square one.

I have learned that grief is a strange beast and it isn't linear. It weaves and wanders and retraces upon itself and that's okay. Essentially you need a commitment to you to believe that all the sadness and pain is worth it, and to do that (because it does take so much self discipline) you have to see that they are causing you pain and will cause you pain forever unless you get out now and endure a short burst of misery in order to achieve long term happiness. You have to see the long view.
Take care and PM me anytime. Do check out Baggage reclaim, she has a No Contact email that is free and supports you through the first months of NC.

izzyizin · 10/09/2012 17:00

If this deeply flawed individual is so much more of a man than many other previous boyfriends you are going to be in for a treat when you meet the loving, caring, and whole man that is waiting for you in the future you are denying yourself while you cling to a man who is unable to fulfil your needs.

Apart from the guy who cheated, you seem to have taken your time ending other unsatisfactory relationships with the opposite sex and, to that extent, it would seem that you lack the ability to act decisively and with resolve.

As for the counsellor who wasn't much help in telling you I had to do it, she was spot on. There's no magic wand or easy get out card; you have to do it yourself and put the effort in to make sure it stays done.

With regard to the insomnia you experienced when you 'ended' this farce of a relationship before, either get yourself some sleeping pills or get a grip on your thoughts because obsessing/overthinking about a specific person and/or a specific topic is likely to cause sleeplessness.

Alternatively, take up some pursuit/hobby that will focus your mind in the moment and result in the type of healthy tiredness that aids restful and replenishing slumber.

StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 10/09/2012 18:00

This is an interesting thread and izzy's post reminded me that exercise is such a good positive thing to do and will take up some of the time that would have been spent on this guy. It's good for your health, your soul and it will help you sleep...
Find something that suits your personality - I would go for a combination of something that is quite gentle/spiritual like yoga or pilates and combine it with something very active, like some kind of aerobics/circuits/zumba. Also think about a team sport that you may enjoy - my personal favourite is softball - teams of 10, 5 male and 5 female. Summer season is over, but some areas have indoor versions over the winter. Or something that is a bit of a challenge and you may need to join a beginners class and interact with other beginners like indoor climbing/martial arts/etc.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/09/2012 18:11

Butterscotch thanks for taking the time to reply so thoroughly.

Your life partner is out there somewhere and you will not be able to find him while the current guy is still around.

With Dp, it's easy. We met. We liked each other. We met each others families and like them. We introduced the in laws and they like each other. He found a job nearby and moved in. Life has thrown us some serious shit ... but loving him is still... easy. And the same can be said of other successful couples I know, some still going after 20, 30, 40 years.

Pidjin is sooooo right. It should be easy. DH is awesome. Living with him and sharing all the crap life throws at us and loving him is easy.

(OK not all the time of course, we are only human!!!) Grin

PurplePidjin · 10/09/2012 18:17

Oh yeah, he does piss me off at times Wink but the actual love bit is always there in the background iyswim.

jadebond007 · 10/09/2012 19:02

Hello again.

Actually, I'm where you are now. Or about a week in. Slightly different reasons, but essentially in love with someone who has issues that prevent our having a real relationship. It's been six years on and off.

It's hard. I feel an actual physical pain in my chest. Bad enough to make me fall over. This week is easier than the last though.

I haven't quite managed to cut contact yet though. My thoughts are 'I don't care what he says or does, I love him and I must stay with him at all costs and sacrifice everything' and 'I deserve better than a man who can't love me back equally. He will never change. Fuck him'

I need to take my own advice. It's all about bravery. I know I can do it though.

GentleLentilWeaver · 10/09/2012 19:17

jadebond, I have those two voices in my head as well. It's hard, isn't it? You're right, you can do it. You do have to cut all contact for the healing process to truly start, though.

jadebond007 · 10/09/2012 19:21

It's awful isn't it? It's part of the torture, flipping from one mindset to another in minutes.

I know I need to cut contact. Friday I said I would never see him again. Saturday I went to see him. Sunday I said I'd never see him again... Then three hours later said I was free tomorrow and to let me know!

Sorry to hijack, op. You really, truly aren't alone though.

PurplePidjin · 10/09/2012 19:29

Cauterize that wound, Jade

butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 19:45

Hi guys

Thanks again for your comments - after struggling with this issue for three years, you don't know what a relief it is to be able to talk about this!

jadebond007 - not high jacking at ALL. On the contrary - it's great to hear about others' experiences....it really makes me feel a LOT better. Maybe we should return to this thread to update on our respective progresses?!

I know I need to cut contact. Friday I said I would never see him again. Saturday I went to see him. Sunday I said I'd never see him again... Then three hours later said I was free tomorrow and to let me know!"

Yep......you've basically described the last three years of my life Smile

In fact - part of the reason why I posted this thread today is that I've just come back from working abroad from a month. All that time in a hotel room abroad gave me a LOT of time to think....not to mention the long haul ten hour flight home. So today I'm off work and thought - GAH - I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Reading all of your experience is very, very comforting and also giving me courage. When I'm surrounded by people in perfect relationships (okay - I know appearances can be deceptive), but you can feel very alone thinking that you're the only one trapped in one of these 'twilight' type relationships.

(And yes....he was the first person I met coming off the plane....so no action's been taken yet.....)

OP posts:
butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 19:49

jadebond007

It's hard. I feel an actual physical pain in my chest.

Totally. There was an article in the press I read recently that said heartbreak can actually kill you....I so don't want it to get that bad!!! But yes - the pain can certainly manifest physically... so I had that insomnia and of course the chest pain (whenever you try to break it off) is horrible, horrible....

OP posts:
stainesmassif · 10/09/2012 19:51

He's just not that into you.

Sounds harsh, but having been in a similarish situation, when I read those words, everything fell into place.

I could stop trying to work out why he was the way he was and what I could do to change him/us to make everything ok and I just walked away.

He likes you. You offer him comfort entirely on his terms, he's just not into you enough to change. No reflection on you, none really on him, but it's a total waste of energy to continue pursuing the relationship.
1 year later, at the age of 36, I met dh. It was so easy to be together (he's annoying as fuck at times) but now I'm pg with dc3 and life is good.

jadebond007 · 10/09/2012 19:56

Yeah it makes me feel better too :)

I have no one in real life I can talk to about it. They think I'm an idiot for going back to him. Which to be honest, I am.

We got back together. He promised this time it was different. Swore his ass off. I felt like I'd been rescued. All the awful pain of the previous rejection was being taken away. Six months later, he freaks out. He doesn't have panic attacks. He "blacks out" of all emotion. For weeks, or months. All the time he's not at work, he sits and stares into space. Refuses to see me or speak to me. The product of an abusive childhood. He says he loves me still. As much as he can. But I know he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. I know he doesn't have the same ache in his chest without me.

Sound familiar?