Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

[butterscotchbiscuit]

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

Tit!!! Bloody phone

And 'same' not 'shame'. FFS!!

Aww thank you Purple, that's so sweet! I definitely would not want you to endanger your pregnancy through over-zealous kicking of my arse, though I absolutely appreciate the gesture/sentiment

Nobody spell my name right, I'm used to it! Glad you get my point, though

Meh, no endangering involved - i just get heartburn when i bend so the lack of impetus would be through sheer laziness :o

Totally - I think I called you Pidjon in my first post to you, though that's mainly my inability to type a single sentence without at least three typos.

Awww...pregnancy heartburn.......how I'd love to have that!!! (Though that's for another thread I guess.....as will the starting internet dating thread, which I guess will be the INEVITABLE fall out of this current episode.)

I really wish I could put on a profile in a not-at-all-passive-aggressive-way 'AND NO BLOODY COMMITMENTPHOBES, PLS!'

Guess that would kinda look like I had ishoos then.....

Yeah, sorry, was kinda trying to play it down

Still, it's all part of the Happy Ever After, right? This is where we'll get you in a year or two :o

And i wish it was as easy to give this advice in real life. I have a good friend who needs to hear a lot of this - very low self esteem, feels she's running out of time at 35 etc - but advising her would risk destroying what confidence she does have, and i won't risk that being 5 years younger just makes it a bit smug

Oh I do, it made me laugh though! I think he's rubbed off a bit on me, I was washing up last night and he offered to dry... I said no as it felt too 'couply'!! Wonder if we'll meet in the middle somewhere!

Butter, don't feel bad. Sometimes you've had your head in the sand so long you've forgotten where it is! Or is that just me?

I think you should let us write your profile!

We'll hide your ishoos well...

I met DP online actually!! Thinking about it, I'm now wondering why my commitmentphobe DP bothered to message a woman described online by a friend as 'marriage material'?!! And why his profile said he was 'looking for the one', perhaps I overlooked it saying 'pro-rata'?!

Aww Pidjin, no worries! There is comfort in hearing about people's happy ever afters too...it gives me hope!

Shame you can't share the thread with your friend.....pls (somehow?!) pass on my deepest empathy!!!

savemefromrickets Yes pls! I would love to outsource my profile writing....I did actually write one in a moment of particular disatisfaction with the semi-detached one..... I thought it was okay until the next day when I read it and just thought SIGH

And why his profile said he was 'looking for the one', perhaps I overlooked it saying 'pro-rata'?!

We're an online couple too, although mutual interest forum rather than dating site. I see less of her now I'm pg but this has reminded me to drop her a text at least.

Yes yes yes to writing your profile :o

Happy to oblige, will make a change from distraction cleaning (I just cleaned the front of the washing machine, FFS)!!

So, it sounds like you need a profile attractive to someone with the qualities of a semi-detached, but without the exclusion zone. May I suggest advertising for a nice terraced male?

Pidjin and Saveme - that gives me hope! Hurrah!!!

Yep, no shared access to this one ;)

haha yes pls..... I don't require a manor house, country estate or even acreage. A humble terrace would be fine.

NB. My semi-detached just texted to say goodnight.... GAH.

Must focus on how good it will feel to have someone who texts who I know'll be around forever.*

*as far as 'forever' can be ascertained

saveme Props to the washing machine cleaning. Never underestimate the power of a good clean. I may take out my frustrations in a frenzy of sock drawer organisation later.

butterscotch if you are serious about going no contact it's better to do it via writing rather than on the phone or - worst of all possible options - in person. This is because if you are secretly hoping they will talk you round, those give them lots of opportunity to notice the hope written all over your face/voice and say the right things to appease you and postpone the decision.

I was going to do it via phone but people I mentioned it to shouted NO NO and said email was better. I am so glad I did as I have no painful heart-being ripped-out memories of the last time we spoke or saw each other. We did so without knowing it would be the last time, which takes all the romance out of it ('just one last kiss...' blah blah blah. No thank you!) and also lets face it, nothing written in an email by them in retaliation for your decision is going to be emblazoned on your mind forever is it? It's just not. Whereas phone calls, and especially in person when you can see every expression flicker across their face - that's just torture. You would do well to be kind to yourself and just write the man a letter or email and leave it at that, making it clear you both want and require a period of no contact and do not need a response. I told mine 6 months NC and then we'd see, but after two months I've come out of the fog and realised we will never be able to be friends and will likely never see each other again. This is very sad, but it's not a realisation I could have come to in the middle of my feelings and while still in touch with my ex. It was just too raw and painful. I had to get some space first to give me the courage to break free completely.

Jade, sorry to hear about the text but as others have said he has done you a massive favour, and it is so much easier to move on when you can see that they are a shining great wanker. Rest assured for those others convinced the object of their affections is lovely in all ways but one, distance does give you the space to see that they, too, are a massive bell end Give yourself time ladies, give yourself time...

Haha - thanks Gentle

Rest assured for those others convinced the object of their affections is lovely in all ways but one, distance does give you the space to see that they, too, are a massive bell end

True, true, true.........

And yes - I know that 'in person' is fraught with danger and I will mull over what you said. I still remember the exact expression on an ex's face when we split up after six years together...... That picture is indeliby imprinted in my brain somewhere. You're so right.....

I will have to do some serious mulling. It is horrible, and someone earlier mentioned procrastination - and that's exactly what I've been doing all these years. But a history of procrastination, no fertility left and no man either (in all likelihood) do not a joyous bounty make. Need to avert that being my future...... Yikes.

Giving the email thing serious thought.

I have been reading (and re reading ) this thread with growing realisation that this is also my situation. Well i knew that already really,but I guess i am growing ever more aware that I owe it to myself to do something.

I identify so much with you,butterscotch,wrt to my dp being lovely,kind and my best friend and with no intention to to be hurtful.
However,so much of what has been said by other posters is true.

the only thing is,i have had my dc,all of whom live at home ,one of whom is a toddler with whom I was pg when we met. My x was abusive and has no contact with her.
Dp has had a traumatic marriage and messy divorce,and says that thing will develop further between us once this is all sorted out.
Meanwhile,it has been 2.5 years and we really only do fri evenings,some days out on saturdays and some saturday nights. We live in the same street!

My family are lovely but inevitably lively. He prefers the calm of his place,usually.But also puts a lot of it down to us having two homes,both of which are a squeeze for all my lot.

I compromise more than i would like because I have such a complicated life that i cannot imagine meeting anyone else,nevermind being able to sort out how to have any sort of early relationship when I have so much on my plate.
I guess I am still not sure if it is really him,or nust me having unrealistic expectations.

Greenearrings thanks for posting.

Semi-detached, but on the same street!

Must make it so v v hard to break away when he's so close. He's just there and so.... so convenient!

Mine lives a full hour and a half's drive away and yet I still ask him to come over when I miss him. If he lived on the same street..... god, it'd be a nightmare.

I really hope that like me you've found some good advice on here...... I've found true nuggets of wisdom and if I could figure out how to print out the whole thread to read and re-read, I would.

And yes - it's horrible, horrible when you feel like they're you're best friend. I have a wonderful female best friend and other close friends, but he absolutely fills a certain niche filled by no-one else.

Admittedly though - we're so darn close that actually it's the 'partner niche' that he's filling. As others have said here - as long as he's there, there's no room for any other potential occupants who may be willing to stick around forever. So..... he must be evicted!

Convenient yes..for him I think,since he can drop in for a quick cup of tea on the way past and then count that as time with me.Which it is,of course,but then he goes off for his evening with the laptop or whatever,and I sit by myself once little one is in bed and the teens are out or online.

If it weren't so convenient,he would hav to more effort. Then again,given the five minute walk,he really is demonstrating how happy he is with the situation.

I have raised my feelings with him many times,but he always maintains he loves me and wants a future with me at some stage ,but just not yet.

So he sets the pace and my feelings are secondary to his.

Yes ,great advice on here. I have re read so many times.

The main message I am hearing is he's just not that into me.
I find it so hard to make the break when I would really not likely meet anyone else,and ,although I am happy with my own company and the dc and friends - plus full time career- I would like a loving partnership.

Well, that set up sounds fairly ideal from his point of view, doesn't it?!

I'm feeling bad now for moaning about DP as I seem to have much more contact than that.

Is he also annoyingly lovely?

I remember hoping STBXH would have an affair so I would have a get out of jail free card. With DP I find myself hoping to find some flaw which would make him a wanker, but the bugger is fairly perfect, apart from his semi-detached status. How very inconsiderate!!