Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

[butterscotchbiscuit]

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

Wow. Blue, that must have been HARD. I'm in awe of you!

Do wot Blue said but without the last shag. Trust me, if you feel like you have addiction issues, there's no such thing as a safe 'one last hit.'
You can only do without the drug - one hour, one day, or one week at at time.

BUT you can do it!

Agree with blackcurrants.

How is everyone doing today? I've been doing better after a wobble in the last week around the anniversary of when ex and I started dating a year ago exactly. Now I'm just realizing what a knobber they were and it's really helping me not dwell on the "what if..." kind of stuff. Instead I've been trying to visualize the kind of person I want to end up with :)

I'm really struggling to not text this guy again. I didnt reply to a message last night. I've made it nearly 24 hours.

I did send something yesterday. Feel like an idiot. He fired back saying how this is really hard for him.

Gah!

You're doing well gentle. You're inspiring me!

Jade, from what you've said about this guy, I imagine it is really hard for him.

It's hard for him that you've developed a backbone!

It's hard for him that he's no longer got you exactly where he wants you, and you're no longer running after him begging for a crumb of attention.

It's hard for him that you know what was going on with that message to another woman he accidentally sent you, and he knows that you know, and that you aren't prepared to support the delusion that he's the good guy any more.

When nice, decent people like you or I say "This is really hard for me" to someone, we mean because of them, because we miss them or love them, or whatever. I don't think he means it like that. I think he means it's hard for his self-image.

Do you want to go back to propping that up, at cost to yourself?

Hard for him? Hard for him??? He's the one being a complete cunt!! Think of him as a toddler screaming for sweeties - would you give in to that? No. This twat is no better.

I know. I just want to send something and rip into him about it.

He chose this!! How can he whine about it now!

It's just like... Either he feels fine - and he sounded pretty alright in his text to the other girl - or he's completely miserable and still sees that as the better option to being with me. Either way it's really hurtful.

I just want his presence gone from my mind. Now.

He's trying to control you, he thinks you're his little pet lap dog and can't handle finding out you're a wolf.

Rant it all out here :o

First anniversaries aren't easy gentle, but once you've got this one out of the way it should be less traumatic in future.

In the meantime you could follow the advice given after the break up of my marriage - when you think of your ex do some pelvic floor exercises, then when you meet someone new you'll have your ex to thank for the great sex you're having!

Shame I think of my ex so infrequently that my pelvic floor is shot

You need to be ruthless and selfish. I was mad about my ex but knew we could never get married and have children (he could be viciously verbally abusive couldnt have brought children into that relationship). I knew I wanted husband and children the only thing that gave me the strength to end it with my ex was the truth that if I stayed with him I wouldnt achieve that. I moved cities so I wouldnt drift back to him (we were in a pattern of me ending it then drifting back to him) and two months later met my DH who is 10 x more interesting fun and special as the ex but without the messed up side. We have 2 adorable little girls and are very happy. I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had stayed. Think of yourself only in this or you may miss out.

Inspired by this thread, I wrote down what I want,and what I don't find within my relationship.
Last night,I rang DP and told him that I did not want to continue hoping and feeling disappointed. I told him what was on my list.

He was upset. He then started to say stuff like " I can't get it right whatever I do" , " I'm making you unhappy,I'm crap" and " I really want this to work,I'm planning to change".

He asked if we could keep to this weekends plans as he was really looking forward to them.

I told him to give me ring when he something new to say about where we go from here,in the light of what I had said. I have been raising the same stuff for about five months anyway.

He hasn't rung and I feel sad and lonely.
I do realise there is no way I can text or ring him now.

Meant to say I told him I was not going to continue the relationship .

Wow, green, fantastic stuff! Well done

I would love a cosy ,settled partnership.
i am lucky to have had my dc,but with 5 of them between 2-16,and a full time job, I can't internet date and never go out socially.

I sent a real 'fuck off' text, which was ignored then I get a funny joke! Hey any psychiatrist's out there that can help me, he always does this.

I have had endless texts saying can we talk and saying how wonderful I am and how much he loves me and won't let me blow this away,how he will change,do anything etc.
I have ignored.
I have upped the game and so has he seemingly a this is new.

He rang,v upset and said all the same things and I didn't say much but did agree to meet tomorrow to hear what he wants to say.

My point will be lets see the actions as well as the words. But these are new words.

Thanks for the wine,PurplePidjin !

Tressy,that sounds deeply annoying .Ignore!

Good luck green, hope it goes well. Maybe you've got the machine that's actually set to pay out

I've asked DP to have a think and decide what he can offer in the way of commitment. I guess I also need to work out what it is I'm actually looking for.

What level of commitment are you looking for?

From bitter experience these blokes will say literally anything in the heat of the moment to keep you around for longer. It will take months before you have a 'Hey....!' moment, and a dawning realization that nothing has changed. By then they will have enjoyed extensive further ego massage, sex, cuddles, fun days out etc etc from you. Then you make another ultimatum, they come out with newer, more exciting bullshit and the whole cycle beings again.
I have wasted 18-24 months on one person, and another 12 months on another right afterwards, and they were both exactly like this. It was unbelievable. These twats read from a script. It took me ages before I finally realised they weren't going to change, could not and did not want to change, and that they were exactly the same as they had been at the start of the 'relationship'. The only thing that was different was me. My expectations, and my perceptions of the situation and of them. They'd been themselves all along; I just hadn't seen clearly.

Good luck ladies, you're all doing well but try not to waste too much time on people like this. Any one of them coud change into the kind of man you want, but in all probability they likely won't, so do bear that in mind when they come out with all kinds of pleading and waffling. Stay strong, no contact is really best for this kind of situation.

Actually DP doesn't. He just says he is sorry that he's screwed up. He's never made false promises. As per my previous post, the annoying thing is that he isn't a complete wanker.

He's always told me the truth. Whether or not I have chosen to listen is another matter entirely!

Tressy, that just shows exactly how bothered his is by your opinion - it means precisely fuck all.

Green, gird your loins. It'll be a great steaming pile of bull shit like last time, and the time before, and the time before that.

Rickets, the level of commitment you want is Him making You happy. No bollocks about space and time - he's with you and proving it every second of every day or he fucks off so far he fucks himself coming the other way. Anything in between is not good enough.

I'm really sad tonight. My BF is clearly pissed and was sending me pictures of cucumbers in compromising positions. Then she sent one of her boyfriend's pants with a bit of ball showing, which I thought was an accident. Then one of her DP with what I thought was a cleverly placed cucumber. Turns out it wasn't. Unless he grows pink cucumbers. I did not want to see her boyfriend's cock.

Messaged DP as I was upset and got a few brusque replies. Of course, Friday night is not my night!!

And there in a nutshell is why this relationship sometimes makes me sad.

Friday night is not my night. Not tonight. Not the night when I was upset after a doctor's appointment and he couldn't leave the kids for a few mins to call me (but he did manage to call his ex who was threatening to self harm).

Balls. Literally. And WTF is the etiquette for bringing to my BF's attention that I am NOT amused