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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

280 replies

butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 12:37

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

OP posts:
greenearrings · 15/09/2012 00:39

save, I think I would ask her why she thought you would want to see her boyfriend's cock,or his pants - or cucumbers ( how do you compromise a cucumber btw? ) Not nice, I agree.

Same here with the not my night thing. Although we usually spend fridays together,my choice tonight.
The trouble is, I wouldn't want him here all the time.I just don't like how he decides when he will come and go,regardless of my specific and clear requests.

I am starting to think carefully about my role in this,and my choice of partner.
I know I don't want to set up home with him while my older children are still here. But I seem to want him to want to,iyswim.....I don't like how easy it is for him to set his boundaries and happily enjoy so much time away from me and never want more from me.

Sounds daft when I look at it like that. I am up to my ears in dc and work.

savemefromrickets · 15/09/2012 07:54

I know what you mean. In many ways our set up is ideal, I have time alone with my DS, I have time to work in the evenings, I can have nights when I come in and collapse in a heap and don't have to make conversation, but to hear him say it's ideal hurts. I think it's because it's so fixed.

I think it may partly be down to XH using the house as a drop in centre towards the end of our marriage, and partly because it makes me feel like an idiot as I pay all the bills here on my own, yet he's told me he pays his mum rent for the days when he's there (admittedly his mum does his ironing for him)!

I find that the nights he's here feel like 'special' nights so I shouldn't waste them doing any housework/DIY/working, as then he won't want to come next time. so then I get further behind. And that makes me very stressed which gives me more pain, which makes me more stressed, which makes me more niggly.... Aargh!!!

savemefromrickets · 15/09/2012 07:54

PS I can't believe there is someone on mumsnet on a Friday night who doesn't know how to compromise a cucumber Grin

greenearrings · 15/09/2012 09:32

Yes,but would the cucumber regard itself as compromised? Grin

I totally agree with your post above. That is exactly our situation re special nights and my space - like you, I then feel overwhelmed by housework on those nights and this deepens my irritation with him for not being here to muck in.
And my xh and I are great friends now and he comes over often,even stays.and he and DP get on great .

My problem is feeling like i run - and fund,entirely - a kids hotel and leisure centre (although my dc are fantastic with their team work and all pull their weight,i still run and fund it all )
Then,because I want a grown up relationship - cuddles,chats,sex - and ,because i am heterosexual, I quite like having a man in my life.
DP is lovely,as men go. We are a good fit politically,share values,humour and enjoy discussing the same stuff.We spark off each other well. he mucks in when he is here.
But it is hard work here. he therefore prefers to be in his space and for me to go there. to be fair,he wouldn't mind if I went over every evening,but he would not feel he had to do the date thing we do now,if that were the case - fair enough.
And anyway,I can't go over there without organising the children and one of the older ones' agreeing to babysit. And i can't stop over in the week,it's too complicated.

savemefromrickets · 15/09/2012 11:32

I suspect it would, but if it was male it wouldn't mind Grin

I can't imagine how you manage with that many DC, I struggle to have a social life with just one (but sometimes that's down to both exes chopping and changing)!!

We (me!) seem to be in a cycle of me getting frustrated with it all, whereas he is perfectly happy. I don't want to be the whinging cow. I really don't. I don't want him to end up with me because he's slowly got used to it - that's how you boil a frog and I don't want a slow boiled frog for a boyfriend Grin

Tressy · 15/09/2012 12:07

Green, I would cave in if someone spilled their feelings like that. I hope he does mean it and you can be happy together.

To be fair mine hasn't lied to me, he has always maintained he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. It was OK for me for a while but once it stopped being OK I left him, but he won't let go and keeps trying to persuade be to accept it again.

I'm not asking for marriage/living together just an exclusive relationship but he refuses so he can f--k off.

jadebond007 · 15/09/2012 12:10

'm not doing so well today. I sent some messages last night and this morning. I got a half hearted reply and now I'm being ignored.

I don't know why this means so much to me. Just feel like every nerve in my body is screaming that something terrible has happened and I need to get him back.

While the whole time he doesn't even give a shit

Tressy · 15/09/2012 12:52

jade, it's normal to feel like this, have you ever given up smoking? It gets easier. Plus as isn't that case with giving up a drug you can replace this guy with someone so much nicer than you to feel great again. Yes you still get pangs but they fade over time once you give it up.

Tressy · 15/09/2012 12:53

'than him'.

jadebond007 · 15/09/2012 13:43

This has escalated into a full blown panic attack.

GentleLentilWeaver · 15/09/2012 14:04

Jade, love, you're still doing well. It is so hard to start with, that's why we avoid going through this bit. Why would we want to? it's vile. Try and see the future and you being really happy with someone who is completely and utterly besotted with you and who would never make you miserable but would treat you like the amazing precious person you are. Then remind yourself that in order to get to that happy future, you have to let go of this person who is not right for you.

The most fucked up relationships I've had have been the ones where I was most adamant that it had to work out, that leaving them was not an option. It is very addictive, and compulsive, and hell to go cold turkey on. You have my absolute sympathy because I have been there several times. Just be really good to yourself and try and distract yourself as much as possible with nice friends, films, music, whatever it takes. Just do everything you can to take your thoughts away from this one person. They are after all just one daft human being in a sea of millions. Don't give them all the power to make you happy - there are loads of people who could make you happy.
Big hugs. x

jadebond007 · 15/09/2012 16:38

Thank you xx

savemefromrickets · 15/09/2012 19:54

How did it go, Green?

jadebond007 · 15/09/2012 21:59

I'm feeling better this evening. I called him this afternoon. He said "what do YOU want".

I realise now that whatever I want, a relationship with someone that heartless ain't it.

I am doing the right thing! Just gotta keep on keeping on.

Tressy · 15/09/2012 22:08

That's good Jade. Now don't ring/text or email him again, you will feel better not doing it, honestly.

I've struggled today, only because I have realised he just isn't interested in trying to keep me at all. It's hard to acknowledge it but onwards and upwards. I tested him recently and he failed, hence feeling delicate.

jadebond007 · 15/09/2012 23:19

Oh tressy, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's so hard that they won't even try to fight.

But you'll get there. We'll get there.

Xxx

Original poster
butterscotchbiscuit · 21/09/2012 12:30

Dear All Lovely Ladies on this thread,

I know this thread is a week old now, and Im not sure if any of you will come back.

I said last time I was on that I was going to end things with my semi-detached man at the weekend when I saw him. Unsurprisingly, I couldn't do it.

That's why I was a bit sheepish about coming back on Monday and confessing to my pathetic failure!

However - after blubbing about it in the office this morning, a colleague gave me a stiff talking to and a pep talk. That, combined with the lovely advice and support I got on this thread last week, helped me bite the bullet.

I just emailed him and said I couldn't see him anymore.

Not 'waiting on' the reply as from henceforth I don't want to live my life waiting for him in any way shape or form any more.

A bit of hand holding would be lovely, though I realise you're probably all not reading this thread anymore.

If not - thanks anyway for all your help and support last week Thanks I'll be reading and re-reading this for some weeks to come, I think.

God I'll miss the bugger Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
butterscotchbiscuit · 21/09/2012 12:31

Jadebond007 - saw your post about finally moving on. Well done!!! You / we can do it Smile

OP posts:
Bluegingham · 21/09/2012 12:34

That's a great and courageous act of self love. X

Lueji · 21/09/2012 12:37

Stay strong.

You do deserve someone better.

stainesmassif · 21/09/2012 12:42

Oh well done butterscotch! Before I read your update I sighed inwardly thinking you were still wasting your energy on him and I'm SO GLAD you're not! Congratulations and stay strong!

Doha · 21/09/2012 12:54

well done butterscotch--some hand holding here today/tonight and over the weekend.
Onwards and upwards--no looking back now Wink

ArtfulAardvark · 21/09/2012 13:12

Just wanted to say well done butterscotch.

I was seeing someone years ago who told me very early on he had committment issues - he was a lovely guy but I had no illusions that should we have ever had children and tried the real grown up stuff he would have made both of us hideously unhappy and ultimately I would have ended up alone.

At that point, just out of an engagement with a man who was habitualy unfaithul, I admired the honesty of his saying "this will never come to anything serious I just cant do it" so I kept him as an on and off Friend With Benefits and it worked as I wasnt in an emotional place at the time to want anything else. 5-6 years later when I got to mid 30s and started feeling I needed more then I knew he wasnt the man to be looking at however lovely (and sexy!) he was so I made the break - even at one point not answering the door when he knocked late at night Grin

It is difficult but personally I feel you have made the best decison.

spooktrain · 21/09/2012 14:16

well done Butterscotch. Really well done.

I'm pretty sure you must be in a difficult place right now, but you can do it.

Give yourself time to grieve for what this relationship never gave you, and never could.
Spoil yourself. Little treats are the way to go - a hot chocolate, a new book, a new CD, a spa day with a friend, whatever floats your boat.
Try making some plans for things to look forward to - a trip, a holiday, a night out.
Baby steps. One day at a time. Don't envisage the future as a gaping, empty stretch of time, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Time will heal this, remember that.
Choose a mantra from this thread for when you have a wobble and stick it on the fridge.

Sending you lots of love, you are doing the right thing. ThanksThanksThanks

blackcurrants · 21/09/2012 14:54

Brava, Butterscotch! It's very hard, but it's a brave and worthwhile endeavour and absolutely (as someone said upthread) and act of self-love.

Do other nurturing things for yourself while you grieve for this relationship, because it's okay to grieve. Just because it wouldn't ever be what you wanted, doesn't mean you didn't want it, right? I understand. Well done for being brave, let yourself be sad (for a bit) and remember that good things are not gone for ever, indeed, now you're free you're far more likely to find the kind of person you actually want.
xxx