Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

[butterscotchbiscuit]

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

scottishmummy Yep, you're really right. Especially now at my time in life it's so critical that I don't fall into this again. I wish I knew why it's taken me so long and I've found it so hard to break away. I really don't know the answer to that one.

As crazyhead said of her friend.... She found it excruciatingly hard breaking up with him (oh the sexy what ifs with these men!) but she's far happier now. (!)

you're v reflective tonight though
v encouraging
learn and not repeat mistakes

Same situation here, but not quite three years in! Lovely almost DP is next to me, cringing as I read out bits! I love the slot machine analogy. It's a bit easier on me as we both are already parents from previous relationships (I think his ex put him off commitment forever) but I know if I stay with him I will never have the chance to be a mum again and that is tough (it's not that I want more kids, but I do want the vague possibility of having more if the biological clock ticks too loudly), I will probably never live with him full time (although he's happy to be here half the week) and we'll never have the rites of passage that other couples have. To be honest, as time went by I was beginning to quite like the unconventionality of it, and appreciated the time on my own more, but I'm waiting to hear if I have a serious health issue, which could be life changing, and it would be lovely to have a 'proper' partner to stand by me through thick and thin! He says he'll be here for me, but I know from past experience that really only applies to the days when he's around...on the other days I'd get a call and a 'I wish I was with you', to which it's so hard not to reply 'well, you could be, you twat'!!!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'm another one who took 3+ years to walk away from a lovely but non-committing man - I spent the first 3 years thinking I could handle it (children not an issue, I've had my family!) but increasingly realised that I was kidding myself. I didn't want a semi-detached relationship (although I agonised for quite a while over whether I could have managed with it...) and I wouldn't meet anyone else while I was with my CP. So I ended it and I'm sure it was the right thing to do. I have no idea where his problem comes from - no abusive childhood AFAIK - but he's reached the age of 45 without committing to anyone so it seems unlikely that there was anything I could have done! I feel sure you are doing the right thing - both for your self-esteem and your baby prospects. Bon courage!

Wow just read all the messages I missed and so much is hiting home. Especially the fruit machine analogy. There are some payouts, of course. But never the big win. You're gambling and losing, always. One step forward and two steps back.

Also the thing about boundaries. It does overstep boundaries. I'd be happy in an open free relationship - but not with this guy because I love him so much it's painful and I need it to be reciprocated.

Oh and I think as with butter, it's not the drama. I've had other relationships without this nonsense. It's literally just that I love him so much, it causes a physical reaction that sends me insane. And that's not making excuses. It genuinely feels so intense, it's an addiction. A tangible thing.

Wish me luck today. I said I would see him - if he agreed to see me. How pathetic right? I'm going to try to convince myself to tell him to stuff it eitherway

Jadebond007
Best of luck today to you
OP stay strong and positive
To all the other lovely posters on this thread, your advice and comments are amazing

I spent five years when I was in my early 30s deeply in love with a man who wouldn't commit to me either OP. It wasn't as extreme as your situation and we did live together but he wasn't interested in taking the next step. I spent so much energy trying to convince myself that it was good enough and that I could be happy when I should have been listening to my gut that it wasn't and moved on. In the end he finished it because he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted. Being with someone shouldn't be as you describe, it should enhance your life and bring you contentment and if you don't find these things you're far better off alone. I speak from long experience and a lot of heartache. And I am alone now and can't see that changing and am the happiest I've ever been.

I agree with the posters who've said you could try looking at yourself and why you're clinging to this man and making so many excuses for him. You say a relationship like this would be great for someone in their 60s (and I agree) but it sounds as if you'd like marriage and children. Don't lose your chance to be a mother if that's what you really want. I nearly missed out and didn't have my daughter until I was 42 but I was so lucky. And you might want two; unfortunately it was too late for me to have another because my partner just wasn't interested.

Hi Butterscotch

Just read your whole thread. I think what you need to do to help yourself through is change your internal narrative.

You're seeing this as a bit of a romantic tragedy, and I think that will undermine you in ending it. You are obviously a level-headed and successful person, but I suspect there is a part of you that enjoys the "can't be together, can't be apart" drama of it. All this talk of reading books, and steeling yourself, it all seems terribly serious and Remains of the Day, doesn't it, like you're going to spend the next six months staring across a park out of a window with rain trickling down it! Nobody would ever ditch unhealthy relationships if that was truly the alternative. Even the counsellor's not helping much, with the deadly serious "You need to move on!"

I'm not saying don't read the books and do a mourning stage, obviously, but maybe also try to cultivate a bit of unreasonable rattiness and selfishness towards this man and the sheer amount of time and effort he's made you expend on him. And a bit of laughter (kind laughter) at yourself for doing it. Ok, he's not a bastard, he has a genuine problem, he's not trying to be a twat on purpose. Medal for him! But there is selfishness in the way he's behaving, and you need to develop the same instinct. Be a bit "for fuck's sake!" about it all. Imagine the scenario somebody else predicted, that you move on from each other and it's all weepy and terrible and Merchant Ivory, and the next thing you hear is that he's happily shacked up with a baby - how angry would that make you feel? That it's not a massive romantic tragedy for him any more, that he got over himself for someone else in a way he didn't for you? Backdate some of that anger.

If we're doing Bridget Jones references, there's a genius line somewhere where a friend (Jude?) says something like "Thing is, I have a commitment problem, we just spend so much time and energy on his commitment problem that my problem doesn't get a look-in." Cultivate your own commitment problem! Why are you even thinking in terms of being allowed/able to commit to a man who has panic attacks as a result of being with you? It's not just that it's a practical non-starter, it's not even a very inviting thought.

Good luck!

sorry i hijack but i could have written this op to the tee. so i very much feel your pain.

liek you he is perfect in every other way. except his comitment phob and was surrpised we lasted two years. though he only started getting shifty when there was a name to it.

also liek you wondered if i could just go along with it, just with no name, and not living together. as it was perfect, and treated me liek a princess. but he ended it 4-5 months ago.

im not sure what my point is, but i wanted you to knwo your not weried and not alone. it does get easier. i have cut contact alot, thoug hi see him from tiem to to time and talk becasue he is my best friend. kinda of liek that little chocolate you let your self have if youv been good.

i wonder if you (and me) are finding it so hard becasue of how good he treated you. if there had been reasons or bad things we could focous on it wouldnt be as hard to let them go.

He's got you nicely controlled, hasn't he?

It's ALL on his terms.

Please look after yourself. You were put on this earth for you; and you are more important than his ishooooos. I used to have panic attacks: they CAN be dealt with. As he can't be bothered to invest in therapy that will change his life, so he cannot be bothered to value you enough to change. Please ask yourself why pouring so much of yourself into someone who takes takes takes and doesn't give back, is such a hook.

You cannot cure him with your love. This is a very arrogant and controlling STUPID thing women do (I have wasted my life doing it).

Learn to love and value yourself enough to see his toxic behaviour as it really is: poisonous to you. The healthier you get, the more he and his passive nicey bullshit will make you impatient and give you the creeps.

If you want children, you are wasting your time, and fertility, on this person.

Loving him sooooo much etc now isn't going to make it OK when you're 45, childless, without him (because he will no doubt leave you at some point).

Agree with others, cold turkey, total non-contact is the only way.

People who behave like him, and your ex kinky, are NOT treating you well! They are not your friend.

Agree with abitwoobbly. Now that I am seeing mine for what he is, the thought of spending time and the night with him and them he being all non-comittal after he has had sex his fix, the next day, does now give me the creeps.

then not 'them'

It turned out I didn't need to tell him I didn't want to see him. He did that for me :(

jade :( sorry about that but I think it is for the best. It's not good being up and down with someone you have strong feelings for. I wished I could go back to being detached from mine then at least I would still have the good times and he would 'always be there' for me because it suited him. Damn feelings, they are a nuisance.

I am currently trying very hard to ignore a 'thinking about you' text tonight. Gawd help me.

I know it is. Right now I'm so angry. I know when the anger fades I'm going to be devastated.

That's because he's an undeserving oxygen-thieving cunt, Jade!

Jade, he's a cowardly cock and he picked up on what you were about to do so he had to get in there first for ego's sake. Pffft
You know what decision was already in your mind so just be glad he has saved you the hassle and move on with your head held high. You are so well shot of him so keep reminding yourself that when the anger does fade, as it will. And make a list of all the shitty things about him to keep you focused on why you don't require him in your life.

The anger is gone now. I feel so devastated I don't even have words for it.

I know. He's a terrible person. I just have to drill that into my head

I agree with Abitwobbly.

And this

" Instead I rode it out for a few days, told my DH - you are the person I want to be with and I will do whatever it takes to be with you, be it counselling whatever. It wasn't necessary - the horse got tired. It has never hit me again and we've been married for nearly 4 years now My life is brilliant."

This is they absolute key here.

It is simple- is he willing to put any time and effort into a process which will help him, in order to show his love for you and to get back love for himself?

Because if he isnt, it is because he is getting all the love he wants, and he is less interested in your wellbeing than his own.

From the outside, it's starkly obvious. You would like a committed relationship and he fears it. If he wont change, you must. Or you could both compromise. Except that he isnt.

Jade - how fucking dare he have the audacity to make you feel like this! He has no right to mess with you so deliberately; just imagine him now, i bet he's tucked up with a beer and his laptop watching the footie like dp although he's minus the beer and you haven't even crossed his mind. Twunt.

I know he is. And I keep texting him and he's ignoring me. I can't make myself stop doing it.

Shit.

TURN THE PHONE OFF NOW!!!!!!

Stop letting him make a twat of you, you're playing right into his hands. Do not give him the satisfaction.

Don't text! Just don't. Sit on your phone. Put it in a sealed envelope. Anything, just don't text. You feel bad enough as it is, don't make yourself feel any worse!

And I'd try not to bother being angry either. You were going to end it anyway so there was probably only five or ten minutes in it... Or had you changed your mind (speaking as someone who has changed their mind in similar circumstances, I know how easy it can be to try again, just one last time)!

Have a nice big cup of tea/glass of wine with me. I've sent DP to the pub as he saw my post last night and looks sad, and I can't bear it!!!