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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man with extreme commitmentphobia - help desperately sought

280 replies

butterscotchbiscuit · 10/09/2012 12:37

Hi there.

I'm a long time lurker but a new poster here and would be so grateful of any advice from Mumsnetters!

I've come here as I'm really at the end of my tether and quite desperate for help - I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to give me on my situation as I just don't know what to do...

I have been involved with a man for just over three years now. He is absolutely lovely - one of the kindest, most considerate and gentle men I have ever met. He's incredibly reliable and I trust him totally. (Should add that in couching him these terms, I'm not a babe in the woods - I'm 35 and since I was a teenager have had lots of long term relationships of 2, 4, 6 and 3 years' duration before him - so I do have lots to compare him to!)

So he's essentially perfect apart from one MAJOR flaw!

That flaw is that he has what I can only describe as extreme commitmentphobia. It's like commitmentphobia on steroids! Will give you a very brief summary of our relationship history (in bullet points!) so you have a brief idea of what's gone on (next post....).

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 11/09/2012 21:46

if you're indulging him you too like the drama
all the ohh will he won't he text
if you keep this going you're complicit in it too

GentleLentilWeaver · 11/09/2012 21:56

You can decide not to text, you ARE in control of it so don't feel you aren't. Just do lots of housework instead, that works for me. Or give your phone to a friend for the night.

jadebond007 · 11/09/2012 21:59

I've managed to stop now. Talking to a friend who told me I'd hit a new low. It's what I needed to hear.

Cold turkey here I come!!

LapsedPacifist · 11/09/2012 22:05

Please don't keep texting him. It makes you seem like a stalker! Shock

He's made it quite clear he can't offer you what you need. He gets regular panic attacks in your company. It you were a man behaving like this towards a vulnerable woman from a damaged background you would be described on this board as an abusive partner.

geegee888 · 11/09/2012 22:10

Marry someone else and keep him as a friend.

jadebond007 · 11/09/2012 22:20

Oh sorry, I'm not the op. I hijacked the thread Blush

jadebond007 · 11/09/2012 22:21

I have stopped. And let him text me back twice since with messages I am ignoring. I finally have the upper hand and I'm holding on for dear life to it.

Cold turkey and not the last word!

PurplePidjin · 11/09/2012 22:28

Treat him mean and regain control!

jadebond007 · 11/09/2012 22:31

I am saluting that!

PurplePidjin · 12/09/2012 08:23

How did it go?

jadebond007 · 12/09/2012 12:52

I haven't said anything else. But I feel awful. So painful.

Tressy · 12/09/2012 12:58

My commitmentphobe is expressing regrets and wants us to see me again. Funnily enough he hasn't actually offered commitment. Can I ask for some advice?

Do I A) hand over all my power and tell him I will see him again if he at least tries to have exclusive relationship with me. B) Keep him at arms length with the small talk etc or C) See him but date other men.

I'm not ready to cut contact just yet and it's failed in the past as he won't drop it.

PurplePidjin · 12/09/2012 13:15

Jade, that's because you're still cauterising the wound. Soon it'll turn into an itch, then the itch will fade. Keep going, you're doing a fab job to regain your self esteem :)

Tressy, him not dropping contact when you ask is incredibly rude and is yet another example of how little respect he has for you. Feel free to simply say

"Fuck off and leave me alone"

Don't answer his calls, delete emails without reading... In short, don't waste your valuable time on him!

StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 12/09/2012 13:17

Tressy - I would phone him and talk to him with a view to getting some clear answers from him before agreeing to any physical meeting up. Make it clear you will only meet up if things have changed and he is offering commitment there and then in the phone call. If all he wants is a general catch up/hang out/sex then the answer is no. If it is the latter I would be honest about why its a no - you are moving on with your life and the best way is to have no contact with him as its damaging to be in this constant cycle.
Make sure you are prepared for the call - have things written down you can refer to - key bits from this thread. Run the conversation through mentally in your head - what is he likely to say - how would you respond. What are some unexpected answers - what would you say to them. A key thing on your notes - 'Breathe' and 'you don't have to fill every silence'.

GentleLentilWeaver · 12/09/2012 13:24

Tressy - that's what restraining orders are for. Seriously, when someone knows you REALLY mean it they will give up after a bit. Don't use him badgering you and not letting go as an excuse for not cutting contact. You would be so much better off without him! And free to completely invest fully in a committed, healthy relationship - or just be happily single for a while. Believe me, you will never find what you are looking for with him hovering about in the background. It just won't happen.

Tressy · 12/09/2012 14:31

Thanks for all your advice. Grin at restraining order. To be fair I haven't asked him to leave me alone totally, just said no to seeing him. I need to have that conversation, next time he contacts me, don't I? I think I know what the answer so will then be able to tell him to 'fuck off and leave me alone'. Just not ready yet.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2012 14:31

Tressy, you've managed to back off, don't throw that away! This is what you wrote above:

Mine used to say that if he 'went out with me' he would just hurt me and mess up the friendship

Well, he was telling the truth about himself there, wasn't he. He's unfaithful (and open about it) and you want exclusivity - how is more contact with him ever going to bring you anything but misery? He "won't drop it" because he likes you and all the others dangling. If you phone him, he'll just vaguely promise enough to coax you back into contact. And then dime to a dollar he'll just do all the same crap things to you again.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2012 14:34

x-posts. Stay strong! I don't think you do need to "have a conversation" with him about it. That just seems to be asking for tears and drama - it's continuing to interact with him. If you really can't do no contact (though it honestly would be so much easier), then just keep saying no and brushing him off and not answering texts. He'll get the message, you've no obligation to explain yourself to him.

Tressy · 12/09/2012 14:54

Madbuslady, you are right. I don't need to do anything, he's already told me he wants to see me and other women too. When I've said no way, it's not good enough for me he still keeps trying to pull me back in.

Tressy · 12/09/2012 15:12

Also, I was feeling so strong recently, was ignoring dumb joke texts, thinking there was no way I would ever go there again, then wham, he contacts me to ask how I am and I'm struggling! Feel like firing off a text to tell him to buggar off once and for all. Mr non-commital t--t!

MadBusLady · 12/09/2012 15:17

Keep stoking that anger! Grin

You can send the text or not, no harm in it if it really would make you feel better, BUT you have to be prepared not to answer the inevitable next one IYSWIM. Don't get into a back-and-forth.

I always try to think hard about how the split second after I send a difficult text/email/whatever will be. How will I feel? If I think I'm going to get a sense of panic and being out of control, I don't send it, or I change what I've written. It's so much nicer not to feel panicky and sad.

Tressy · 12/09/2012 15:26

Will keep the poker red hot :)

Good advice to think how you will feel the split second the text is sent. I will leave it. He is bound to get bored keep getting turned down, even if I am being polite with it, so far.

GentleLentilWeaver · 12/09/2012 15:33

Yeah, don't play text tennis with the bloke Tressy, he's not offering you anything you want so move on to the next one and cut him loose. If he starts sniffing around it's only because his ego is piqued and not because he has changed or because you two are Meant To Be or any of that shit. Honest. So don't see his sniffing around as some grand sign from the heavens that you should give him another chance. If anything, it's just a sign that he's a disrespectful twat. Also agree don't have a big conversation - just another opportunity to elicit more drama and hope he will sudden;y break down and start sobbing that you are all he wants. Ain't going to happen. Just wean yourself off him until he is OUT of your life.

The thing I love about NC is not being in the habit of communicating with my ex. I know it sounds obvious but really... I miss them like mad but it wouldn't occur to me to pick up the phone and actually call them or to expect a text because I have drummed it into my head that I just don't do that anymore. Cos I know it will make me miserable. (Now I just have to stop fantasizing that we will accidentally bump into each other Grin unlikely as we live a 2 hour drive apart in different counties. But in many ways that helps with moving on as well!)

Tressy · 12/09/2012 15:45

Gentle, the day he says he wants a fully commited relationship with me is the day I know he has changed. He truly would never say this to any woman in his life unless he means it. Anything in between is the nothing more than the same old crap. I know it deep down.

It's horrible when you still miss them isn't it?

blackcurrants · 12/09/2012 16:31

OP

I remember in the pre-wedding 'chat' with the vicar, my H said "I knew I wanted to marry blackcurrants the day I met her. I felt like: wow, this is new." I then looked like this at him Shock and he laughed and said "of course I didn't mention it for a year or so. I knew you were afraid of me being too keen. I was playing the long game!"

I'd been into some very happy and mutually fulfilling "I don't want commitment'' stuff in my 20s but at some point before I hit 30 I met a men who literally moved continents to marry me and build a life with me. I met him, said "this can't be anything serious because I'm moving abroad in five months" - and after a few of those months he began planning ways to get a job in my new home city. Annnnd the rest is history, etc etc.

I'd never met a man who was willing to rip mountains down in order to be with me. Specially as it's not a very romantic, Cathy-and-Heathcliff kind of relationship we have - xbox, walk the dog, make dinner, play with toddler... no windswept angsting at all. Never has been... apparently "he just wanted to spend the rest of his life with me."

I don't think your partner (expartner by now? I do hope so!) is a bad terrible man who's doing you wrong, but he is stopping you meeting a man who feels that way about you. He's nice to you but he's standing between you and the thing you want: a man who wants to settle down with you and be with you forever. I agree with solidgoldbrass that there's nothing wrong with open relationships/non-commitment if it's mutually fulfilling, but this clearly isn't working for you, cos you're not happy. I suspect you want what I have. And you deserve it and can have it... but only when you and this man are not in any kind of relationship at all.

He's standing between you and your happiness. He's an obstacle. Get around him, get past him, get rid of him. It's not a big deal, there's no great dramatic revelation that's about to happen. You're just going to quietly get past this, and move on, and be very, very happy somewhere else with someone else.