Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

We havn't snogged (really snogged) in years. It makes me very but I just don't want to do it.

I'm dreading the day the counsellor asks me if I love NSDH, I don't think I can lie and say yes. I know I did once though.

Incidently Ana, when I heard that Elbow song at the olympics I've been telling everyone I know who isn't married that it's a great first dance song. It's an amazing tune

unmumsnetty ((hugs))) to all

Charlotte what an utter FW to not want to snog you, omg really! its so hard isnt it when you have been suppressing these things for years and you suddenly realise just how bonkers they (they FW) are.

nini the whole unwilling furniture moving/not being arsed to sort out dinner situation is exactly like my FW - separated at birth?

Ana LOL at the ecard - I need one of those to send to mine. Used to think he was an affable, charming but disorganised and a bit useless chap who worshipped the ground I walked on. actually he is a little prince who has spent years using passive aggressive manipulation to train me to do all the boring stuff that he feels is beneath him to even notice needs to be done.

I got my Lundy book this week, there is a God and he arranged for it to be delivered on the day FW was out for the evening. Depressing reading though as it seems there is little hope of recovery for FW unless he is willing to admit that he is an emotional abuser. Hell will freeze over, frankly.

Yes, I suppose he is. I've always believed him, though - and have even believed since then that my previous bf of 2yrs must've thought the same and just put up with it. It's all so that I would never talk about it with anyone in person. I'm still pretty that I spent a good 20 minutes talking with my counsellor about sex!

This is an interesting discussion about the snogging, because that whole issue is something I've been thinking about. My problem is quite the opposite - even though there have been some issues around sex, overall our sex life has been great. Kissing has been plentiful and often hugely passionate. But that all just feeds more and more into me loving him and feeling that it's so hard to step away from him.

I'm at the stage now where I can see that things cannot go on, and I feel that my heart is about to break with it all. When I think of him, I think of the man I love, the man I fancy, other too intimate things that I just can't bring myself to share and I'm sure you don't want me to the man I want to be with yet is making it impossible to do this. I've tried so hard to be with him, to let us be together, to get over everything he's done (and has still been doing) and work on us starting again.

But deep down I don't think he can change, not enough. So that leaves me having to make a horrible, horrible decision soon that I don't want to make, regarding never being able to hold him again or have him hold me, never cuddling up to him in bed again, never hearing him sing again, never playing with the kids with him again, never kissing him again. My heart hurts badly and so does my head. I didn't mean for all this to pour out right now, and I'm crying.

Massive, massive hugs Curtis, and nodding along with every word as that's exactly how I feel. You've phrased it perfectly. I just want to scream at him "Just listen to me and change and it will all be ok!"

Hope you're ok, it's so hard isn't it. and

Many hugs ponygirl I think many of us can relate to that. While I've whinged about the lack of kissing, the sex has generally been very very good. It is a crucifying decision. xxx

:( ponygirl - can't really relate to that, but sympathise anyway. Guess your NSDH is a better actor than mine in the good moments, to make you feel so special when at other times he treats you so badly.

Thanks ladies.

It almost makes matters worse that this week he seems to be 'getting it'. He's said he'll not drink for now. It's now not unusual to go two or even three days without a text from him. Any texts this week have been normal, civilised, sensible - he's never once had a sly dig or put down, and has seemed respectful and appreciative of the efforts I've made for him seeing the kids.

But it just feels like too little too late. I can't get past how he behaved that Sunday when he wouldn't let me take DS2. That was a step too far, too scary. I need a complete break from him, and I know he wont wait, so that's it, isn't it. And it needs to be. I kind of want it to be. I just wish I didn't still love him. I'm almost feeling desperate with myself, desperate that I can give him another chance (I've almost shouted exactly that, Nini). But he's had so many chances already and fecked them all royally.

I felt a bit like this when my first long-term relationship broke up, in my early 20s. It completely emotionally shafted me and it took me years to get over. I don't want to be laid that low again.

Well guess who has been in a good mood again today, it's so frustrating! Why can't he be like that all the time.

I read what you are all going through and feel like a bit of a fraud to be honest, like I shouldn't be complaining as you sound to have it worse than me.

I'm just waiting for his mood to change again though, I'm fed up of not knowing what he is going to be like one day to the next.

He is working a late shift tonight, so he won't finish till 2am, which I am so happy about as it means I can get to sleep without being pestered for sex, and without his very loud snoring!

I dont honestly know if I do still love him to be honest. He does tell me he loves me, but I think if you truly love me then why do you treat me like this? I hate snogging him though, I used to enjoy it but I feel like he is trying to eat my face and really invades my personal space, i have asked him more than once to be more gentle, and he is for a little bit, but like with everything he soon forgets, and I am not going to keep telling him the same thing over and over.

Can I ask what FW means as I don't know (I'm guessing it's not a nice thing!!) thank you

Anyway I've just got back from the shop we went to choose a DVD for the boys to watch after tea, a nice chilled evening!

If I could afford it, I honestly think I probably would have left by now (keep hoping for a big lotto win) but then again I would probably just come up with another excuse!

the snogging point brought back a l

...sorry, twitchy fingers posted too soon :)

Brought back memories of ex FW complaining about my kissing technique in the very early days.

I was so mortified and humiliated and tried to do better but forever self conscious about kissing him after that.

Truth is HE was the crap kisser - all rough and tongues down the throat within seconds.

At least I know that the next time a man is not simply impressed by the fact I'm deigning to kiss him at all to walk way straight away and not spend 10 years trying to 'improve'

Why do so many of these FW (that's 'fuckwits', littlemisssunny!) feel that they are so close to being God's gift that it's their duty to inform us lesser mortals of our non-existent failings in that regard? I also wonder if it's them projecting their own failings onto us again?

Charlotte, not sure NSDH is a better actor than your FW, it's more classic Jekyll & Hyde. One side of him is amazing and one is hideous. And keeping hoping that the amazing one will prevail is what has kept me dangling for so long. But, as I said to my HV the other day, even with the Dr Jekyll, even when things were great, I still wasn't myself, I was still watching what I said and was avoiding some topics and couldn't really talk about myself for fear of an argument starting, and couldn't say anything if he had a go at DS1 for fear of him switching personas. That's no way to live.

littlemisssunny, I spent a long time lurking on MN, torturing myself reading awful stories of women in dire situations, thinking just the same, that I'm making too much of a fuss, I should be glad for what I've got and glad I'm not in that situation. But that's not what it's about. The very fact that you say you are glad he's not there suggests you are unhappy and walking on eggshells when he's around - if that's the usual situation, then that's no good for you, you'll be always on edge which is also not good for your boys. And add into that him pestering you for sex... that's more than enough for you to hold your hands up and say 'enough, I deserve better'.

Anyway, I've had a fab evening with DS1 - nice dinner, DVD, popcorn, sweets. He's really enjoyed it, it's been good for us to just spend time together on our own, I need to work hard to build him up. So that's a positive to take.

And now: and Strictly!!!

littlemiss - I feel a bit of a fraud on here, too, at times, but we do belong here. And the fact that emotional and psychological abuse is so easy to sweep under the carpet - or not even notice - makes it all the more harmful. (I am not comparing it to physical abuse; hope that's clear!) The relationships are either healthy and supportive or not. Keep posting; keep reading. I'm gradually feeling more often that this is a place I need to be and less often that I'm a fraud - but it's a slow process.

FW = fuckwit. :o

charlotte, that sounds really messed up, I'm sorry my dear.
curtis, you pretty much summed up how I feel too, except you missed the bit about him being handsome, intelligent, interesting, talented (which he uses against me of course).

Things still pretty good here, he is really making an effort to swallow his nasty comments/ shouting. I wonder is it because I am just refusing to listen to it or try to retort, I am just saying stuff like "Do not shout at me" or "Do not speak to me like that" and I refuse to engage until he speaks like what I think a normal human person should do when having a conversation.

No ones a fraud here. Emotional abuse is emotional abuse. I also felt like a fraud because I don't live with mine - I'm not bound to him in any way except emotionally. but I've been abused by him.

There is no ranking abuse, we're not in competition so its ok! And fwiw, the counsellor I spoke with said many of her clients that had been subjected to DV and EA could recover from the bruises but it the emotional scars were hard to heal.

No ones a fraud here...absolutely.

Agree re the ranking thing, I thought that what was going on in my life was just "marital issues" until I read this thread and I was whacked between the eyes with the reality of the situation. And this is after several counsellors, marriage guidance etc. Nobody ever thought to ask why I have been depressed or a nag or a control freak or suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. It was all about the impact of these things rather than the core issues.

I thought abuse = kicking, hitting, punching, breaking bones, throwing you down the stairs. Honestly never clicked that emotional abuse could happen with outwardly normal, educated, intelligent, sociable people. DOH.

sigh. Gas and electric was in FW's name, he got a £290 refund cheque when the account was transferred to me, as it was in credit, I was not v well at the time so not on the ball and have only just discovered this. I calculate he owes me ~£150 of that, and some to DD as she was paying rent - but he just says 'clean break', now won't answer the phone and has texted saying I can consult sol if I want. Of course, legally I haven't a leg to stand on. Bastard.

Clean break when it suits him, eh? Typical!

I am wearing a lovely new scarf today. NSDH said he bought it especially for me :) and then said that he was wondering about giving it to his dsis instead . I got it in the end, but it does detract from the pleasure of the gift...

Oh god I need to post without judgement. Please no tough love, I'm not in the place for it...

Yesterday, FW was besides himself over having no phone. you can guess what happened. I bought him a fairly nice one. He was obviously deluding himself that I was going to buy him a really good one like I have.

He took one look at it and declares it tacky.

There are no words.

I left there and then. I'm livid with myself but just when I think he can't sink any lower, he finds whole new lows

He still doesn't understand why I walked off or that he has done anything wrong. I texted him a few times pointing out what was wrong and he tells me....

I need to stop being abusive.

I'm so upset. Im the one whose being abused and he turns it around on me.

I feel sick. I don't care about the phone, I'm livid about his lack of gratitude and most of all, I hate that he has the audacity to say I'm being abusive when I have been to see a support group about his abuse of me. It's so unfair.

Rant over. Sorry I let the side down.

Had a nice day by myself today and looking forward to x factor and wine and chocolate tonight.

Hope youre all well.

You have not let anybody down Ana you were just trying to be a nice person, noone thinks badly of you for trying to do a nice thing for someone, it's just a shame they don't appreciate us, it would be so nice for a simple thank you wouldn't it?

I offered to make my husband some welsh cakes to take into work for his birthday, and he just said hmmm, so I said fine, I won't bother then! (there was a time when I wouldn't have said anything so at least now I can reply and stick up for myself a bit!) to which he responds you can if you want to!

There are over 20 people on his team so a lot of baking, all I was after was a oooh yes that would be lovely! It that really so hard to say?

I should have just left it at that, but then today I had an egg left to use, so I made some for him to take today as I love baking (not his birthday for a couple of weeks yet).

Why am I so desperate to please him, maybe I just keep hoping that I can get some recognition one day!

They have all gone though in less than a couple of hours so they must have gone down well or gone in the bin hopefully someone appreciated them!

Ah this sense of entitlement and ungrstefulness knows no bounds does it!?

I am on a hiding to nothing wanting his approval and gratitude.

It's this need to please! Oh to be selfish!

I've put the Adele cd down...and found Destinys Child and Beyonce on my iPod. Much better for Ana!!

I love baking too. Going to do brownies tomorrow. They are my nephews favourite and I tell you what, he always shows gratitude when i bake them and he requests them in such a sweet way, 'tell auntie Ana I don't want a present for my birthday, if she makes brownies that would be the present I would like the most'. Manners!

Me too with the baking I made blackberry and coconut bake earlier today...yummy.

ana he's an ungrateful twunt isn't he? Why do they all turn it back around on us?

I've just buried Dcat1 in the garden and now I can't stop crying...i feel like I'm losing the plot...

littlemisssunny - your welsh cakes conversation was an exact copy of one I had with ex FW - used to make healthy versions of blueberry muffins to get some extra calories into him for his job which involved 8-9 hours of solid walking a day.

One Sunday i asked him if he'd like me to make him some muffins for the week ahead (he professed to love them) response (barely looking up from games console) 'if you like'

No, I said, not if I like, do YOU want any? 'well, I don't want them if you're going to be in a mood while doing them' grrrr. And I still made the damn things, god knows why.

I'm so sad for you bertie - you're not losing the plot, just grieving for a source of company and comfort. It is okay.