Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I know you are right Ana and I do believe you and others, and I know if someone told me the things I am experiencing were happening to them I would totally believe and support them and ask them to get help.

I am trying to seek validation, but am scared I won't get it I suppose. And I am also scared of getting it as it means I have to acknowledge it and deal with it.

The trouble with our gp is there is only one doctor and a nurse practitioner, and the doctor changes all the time so you never know who you are going to get, and also the nurse practitioner is horrible and I know I wouldn't be able to talk to her.

The friend who I am thinking of telling works with me at the weekend so I might try and talk to her there if I get a chance. She also works in a gp surgery as a receptionist so might be able to get me some advice from a gp there, or see if I could speak to one of them.

And thank you for the sermon, I know in my head what I need to do, but sometimes hearing it from someone else helps (a virtual kick up the backside so to speak).

Phew, what a manic 12 hours. Managed to get everything moved in the end, ended up waking DD a few times last night while we did it.

I told NSDH that he wasn't to go to work until everything had been moved. He agreed, but when it came to moving the mattress off the bed this morning (the hardest task) he threw another of his hissy fits, started throwing up his hands going "thats it, it won't move" (almost dropping the mattress on me) and complaining that he was going to be late for work. I told him to get a grip. I hate that he does this every time he's put under any pressure, this is his stock response. Enough is enough, I'll be raising it at counselling next week. His behaviour hasn't changed one iota.

littlemiss, ana is absolutely right about getting professional help. Hope you're ok.

and for all today. The sun is shining here which is helping my mood. Work is stressful, home is stressful, but I'm having a cuppa, so all is good.

Strong Hilde is in there, but she has been dampened by a horrible, evil person. She will be back one day I know she will.

I know it's not very mumsnet but have a virtual (hug) from me.

I love my children and wouldn't change them for the world, but it does make the situation even harder as we can't just walk away totally.

, hilde, big hugs.

hilde we aren't patting him on the back. We'd bury the bastard You have not been an idiot - someone took advantage of your kindness and love. Strong Hilde is there, we believe she is xxx

Enjoy your brew nini and a bit of peace

littlemiss you'll get there in time. Slowly slowly catchy monkey

hilde this is just today, just while you are processing the latest. Stick it out for today, accept your feelings, don't overthink. No-one can be strong all the time, this is just part of the process. Hugs and

I have just been on my local women's centre website, and they have drop in sessions during the week, I think this would be good for me as I don't have to make an appointment and stress about it, when I am in town I can just walk in the door. I think this is going to be a good starting point, as I can go in and know they have the right support there, I know the gp would be able to help, but I know I could walk in there and come up with another reason for being there.

The women's centre also has an email address so if I really can't face just walking in, I can email them initially and say I think I may be suffering emotional abuse and then I don't have to say the words out loud.

I feel a bit happier knowing I have these 2 options. I can send an email when I am feeling brave at any time, and it's done I think this is what I am leaning towards. I am going to set up a new email address aswell as I don't want him seeing it.

That's a good idea. At the drop in sessions, you can talk to someone if you need. Mine were lovely on the phone before I went too. When is your next one?

New email addy - v v good idea.

The email thing will be no different to here will it? So you can do it. Just that someone will be able to help you practically.

Can't quite believe it, I've sent them a message!

I said I would like some counselling as I am unhappy in my marriage and suffering from low self confidence/self esteem. I also said it had been mentioned to me I might be suffering from emotional abuse and I thought about the drop in but finding it hard to accept this may be happening and can't say the words out loud. I have asked them what the best way forward is now.

I feel I have at least made my first move and now just have to wait to see what they come back with.

Feeling a bit of relief and very scared as well.

I shall let you know what they say eeeek!

littlemisssunny

I am so proud of you! That's brilliant. What a brave thing to do. I'm going to celebrate with a cup of tea in my nice cup and saucer. Relief and scared...exactly how I felt too. I hope they respond soon.

Well done for this important step.

Hugs for hilde

It is like a roller coaster this ride to freedom. Sometimes it's downhill and easy and sometimes it's twisty and makes you sick. But you are on a journey now and can't go back!

Do you think having someone else verbalise what happened and hearing that FW has admitted to what happened has brought up things so horrible you had been burying them? And also shown you he knew he was doing them and they were wrong but he did it anyway? I can imagine that would make you feel awful.
I imagine your SIL is horrified and understands entirely why you have kicked him out. But maybe is finding it hard to believe and to know how to deal with it. She will need time to process it too. But that is her problem not yours!

Be kind to yourself. And know we are all here holding your hand x

Wow this thread is BUSY!

Hugs to everyone...I hope you're all ok.

FWSTBXH found out yesterday that I'd blocked him on Facebook (I did it a few weeks ago but he only noticed yesterday). He said he was sad that I'd decided to do it because he love me...

I asked him why he thought I'd blocked him. He said he had 'no idea'

I reminded him that he'd:

1. posted a sarcastic message recently about receiving letters from 'someone's representative' (my solicitor)....

2. told me to block people he'd fallen out with

3. told me that I wasn't allows to 'like' my friends motivational posts incase someone thought it was about him

4. given me a hard time because I hadn't posted about how he'd looked after me when I was ill

So I told him all this and he seemed surprised..."but I didn't mean it" was his response. It's like he has no idea that the things he does are controlling or bullying...no idea at all.

Then I mentioned something he'd said at the weekend about stopping DS seeing my family (because they see him more than his family do). I asked him if he thought that had been a reasonable thing to say...he said he knew it wasn't...and he didn't mean it!!!

This 'I didn't mean it' stuff is REALLY pissing me off now.

I asked him why he would say things he didn't mean. I asked him if he was deliberately trying to antagonise me. He said he was...because its the only time I talk to him...and he likes talking to me because he loves me. He admitted he was like a child...getting negative attention was better than getting no attention at all.

I just don't know how to deal with this now...

Hi Bertie
That sounds like quite an important conversation for you. And who wants to live with an adult child instead of an equal partner?
At least you now understand why he is a PITA. He is being a little boy being naughty to get his mum's attention.

If you watch Supernanny you will know that she ignores bad behaviour and rewards good. While not suggesting you want or need to retrain your FW yourself, getting him to drop the child-parent transactions and behave like an adult towards you may mean you have to change your behavior first.

Can you perhaps start responding to his annoying remarks with "Being confrontational isn't going to help things. It would be easier for us both if you tried to be pleasant" and just repeat that instead of getting drawn in.

Hilde massive hugs, stay strong. My FW is aggressive in the bedroom too so know how you feel :-( you have been an inspiration to me and shown me that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

Is anyone elses FW aggressive in the bedroom? Forcing themselves onto you when they fancy it? And having to have a row to break free? Maybe why I can't sleep at night and avoid going to bed.

This morning my DD had a little toddler tantrum about getting dressed for nursery. FW can't handle situations like this and as usual started roaring upsetting her before nursery. I managed to calm her down and sent her to get her fav toy from her toy box. Whilst she was gone FW went to grab me around the throat (I dodged him so he didn't get there) and whispered to me to f*ing sort her out. I hate him with a passion. Later on today he is now all sweetness and telling me it doesn't have to be like this. Bloody right it doesn't, am hatching an escape plan but need to be clever and prepared especially with 2 toddlers so know its going to take time and money which I have none of. Wish I could win the lotto!!!

Hi lemon yes it felt like it was an important fact. He admitted that he behaves badly and says horrible things deliberately to get attention. TBH he has always been like this to some extent...but obviously it has got considerably worse in the past few years. Since he's had competition for my attention from DS maybe?

The problem is that I really try not to react at all...99% of the time I walk away or leave the room. However this approach of not reacting to bad behaviour doesn't help...it seems to make him worse...his behaviour will continue to escalate until he does something that I cannot ignore...

It's different to dealing with a stroppy child (and I know because I have one who really is a stroppy 4 year old!) because he doesn't 'learn' from these interactions.

For example, one occasion recently FW became physically aggressive when I refused to engage with him. I was trying to walk away and he wouldn't let me...

I've just been looking up this type of behaviour and it's linked with narcissistic personality disorder...which I'd always suspected him of having...

Afternoon all.

I'm back from my counsellor, had a funny conversation with her to the effect of I felt I'd cheated on her yesterday (!) and made a couple of breakthroughs. I am going next week to discuss where we go from here. FW has gone to see his mother for the night, although I'm not sure if I believe him or not. Maybe he's gone to his home town for more suspect reasons. Who knows. Either way...I'm just going to have a bit of peace. No looking after anyone. He still has no phone either. He emailed to ask 'when was I buying him a new one?'. I ignored it.

I'm glad you feel a bit better Hilde. I wish I could use my energy to do housework.

I agree with lemon there Bertie about it being an important conversation. Anything negative FW says is 'a joke' or 'didn't mean it' . I think the narc tendencies and EA go hand in hand. I know people get bent out of shape about diagnosing NPD so I'll refrain from that, but the similarities are remarkable. The lack of regard for someone else's feelings, sense of self importance, taking advantage of people....but I really do think they are hand in hand.

Maggie mine hasn't been forceful in the bedroom, but if I lived with him or were there in the night, I think that he would be. Again, it's that sense of entitlement and maybe a hyper-sex drive some have. Sexual attraction is a big pull with me and my FW (I've mentioned this before I think) and because I tend not to stay with him and sometimes when I visit, sex is the first thing that happens, we haven't gotten to the stage where it's (understandably) slid down the agenda. So I haven't really seen that side of him. Yet. The red flags are there though. Good luck formulating your plan mwah ha ha (did you like my cunning plan laugh?).

littlemiss - well done for sending that message!

hilde - glad you're now feeling stronger post-wobble.

Had my second counselling appointment today. Again, feeling stronger afterwards. From what I said, she reckoned that he sounded "damaged" and very "defended" (sounds like a therapist's sort of word, but I think I know what she means). I like what ana said earlier about validation - I feel validated by that: have never had someone else look at NSDH and see something worrying like I do!

Anyway, she can't change him, of course (bovva), but we are going to work on my self-esteem and assertiveness. Goodness, do I have an identity of my own? Will be interesting to see what happens if I start trying to be a separate person - feel like I've been wholly subsumed into his interests over the 12 years we've been together.

Ana - wouldn't it be great if he went without a phone for weeks in the hopes that you'd buy him one eventually? I imagine it would make life a little more peaceful. Mwah ha ha...

Love the idea of channelling frustrations into housework. I'm at a bit of a loose end this week - not sure if I mentioned this already: our friend who is staying is doing all the washing up and NSDH is doing all the cooking to look like he always does it and is wonderful and to soak up the praise. These are the two things that take up most of my time, so no wonder I'm a bit lost. Am going to tackle the slightly grotty rest of the house that never gets enough of my time!

Charlotte that's great. Self esteem and assertiveness will improve your life so much. It's spilling over into my work and other friendships too.

I'm glad you feel validated now a professional has rubber stamped the bastard.

I'm glad you feel stronger for the time being. That's so good. This separate person thing is good.

Hi all, just checking in. Things pretty good since my "I will put up with no more" email. He has an appt with a counsellor next week and has generally been nice, thoughtful and loving. Its nice when things are "normal". We'll see how long it lasts.

Anastasia, how come you are still in touch with FW? I thought you had "broken up"? Why is he sending you emails suggesting that you buy him a new phone?

I don't know what we are. We are 'broken up' I think - but he has this tendency to act like nothing has happened. It really messes with my head. As I said earlier about him thinking I live in a box, this is another illustration of his delusion. We go out when he thinks we are, we break up when it suits him.

I'm glad things are calmer for you forsale.