Why have an affair if you dont want to leave your marriage?

[bogeyface]

I am confused.

My H had an affair, and was gutted to be found out as a) he thought he was cleverer than that (Hah! He wishes!!) and b) he desperately didnt want me to kick him out.

But why? I have seen on MN where men get caught and beg to be given another chance and I dont understand why. If you are cheating then surely you have checked out of the marriage emotionally and/or sexually, so why not take advantage of not having to have the "I am lleaving you" conversation and just leave?

I genuinely dont get why so many people cheat but dont want to lose their marriages when they are found out.

Sometimes they think they do want to leave their marriage, until the reality of what that means hits them and then they change their mind.

Other times they get a kick out of the heady rush of forbidden sex. Once they are found out it starts to seem a bit sordid.

Then there are people who struggle with monogamy, although they do in fact love their partner.

Who knows why any one person does anything. All I know is I couldn't cheat, and have no time for people who do.

It's called having your cake and eating it. Horses for courses. Why do some people drive a Volvo estate all week but spend the weekend zipping about in a little sporty two-seater? Surely no-one needs more than one car? To continue the analogy, the wife is often the dependable, 'safe', Volvo that's always there in the garage for the Monday morning commute... the girlfriends satisfy different requirements. Cheaters like your husband haven't 'checked out emotionally' or sexually but they can separate the various aspects of their life without feeling they're doing anything particularly wrong.

Because in the circumstances you outline, very often the affair isn't about the marriage or any dissatisfaction with it. It's more about a new and exciting experience to supplement life, not replace it. This might be because life generally has become a bit tough, or there's some other pain going on such as a bereavement, money or job worries and an opportunity arises for a brief diversion from all that. It's often not about wanting to escape from a relationship, but about wanting to escape from other pressures in life. Typically people in this type of affair don't go looking for one, but they find themselves becoming addicted to the thrill of a new friendship/adventure and especially, the new feelings this gives them about themselves, rather than developing strong and true feelings for the new person.

They absolutely don't want their marriages to end and have deluded themselves that they won't get found out and so no-one will get hurt. They also think they are better at compartmentalising their feelings and behaviour than invariably is the case.

Working with Cogito's analogy, IME it's more about the person having an affair than the other womens' qualities. So it's often about a person's delusion that instead of being a safe, dependable Volvo, he is actually a sporty two-seater. It's not that he thinks the woman he's having an affair with is any better than his wife and if this wasn't an affair, he wouldn't be at all interested in a long term and exclusive relationship with the OW. It's just that for a time, her interest in him makes him feel better (if not delusional) about his own qualities.

Of course it's how the various partners make the person feel about themselves but it has to be accepted that there are differences in the partners. Everyone knows the feeling of contentment you get when you're in a relationship with someone you know inside out and the connection that comes from being together a long time. Equally everyone knows the heart-in-the mouth excitement of a first date and roller-coaster shag-fest of the early days of a relationship. Most reject the latter once they've got the former. Some miss it and that's what they're looking for.

Because chasing after and then having sex with someone new is fun and exciting! Even if you love your long term partner and would never plan to leave them.

You don't have to have checked out of your relationship to have an affair.
You just have to be a bit greedy, selfish, or entitled.

it has to be accepted that there are differences in the partners.

Perceived differences maybe, but these are often illusory whilst in the grip of an infatuation. I agree that lots of people miss the headiness of a new sexual relationship and want to replicate that experience, but objectively only the seriously foolish would think that in 5, 10 or 20 years time, the OW/OM is still going to be sending 100 sexts a day, be ever-ready for sex and banging on about how marvellous you are - any more than you would with him or her

That's why when the initial infatuation phase ends, affairs like this fizzle out and more objective comparisons come into play. Some people (especially if not found out) get addicted to these bright beginnings and have serial short affairs, but others pull themselves up short and look back aghast that they were ever attracted to someone so blatantly unsuitable, realising that the affair wasn't because this person was so wonderful or better than a partner at home, but because of the feelings s/he evoked about oneself. This person could have been anybody as long as s/he fulfilled that role in life.

Cake and eat it syndrome. Common amongst selfish, entitled fuckwits.

I would agree that they have checked out emotionally.

Or maybe they were never that committed emotionally in the first place. They would have to have emotional detachment to not care about their partners, only themselves.

Because they are selfish twats who want everything their way.

Lots of black and white in your post OP.

Two ways to look at this ( at least)

Affairs can and often begin when a marriage goes stale or there are problems in it ( often unspoken of) and one partner is unhappy. They take what they are not getting from another person.

They have not checked out- often they are riddled with guilt and uncertainty over what to do next.

Some men use affairs just for excitement and sex- to show they can still pull.

Men are much more able to separate sex and love, and affairs and wives. I know a man who had numerous affairs and he said it was to scratch an itch- nothing more.

I think you are being simplistic to believe that it's as cut and dried as "marriage is over, emotioanlly checked out..but will have an affair".

Affairs exist because one or both parties have not checked out. They might be exit affairs- to give one person courage or help them make a choice- but they are never straightforward.

Men are much more able to separate sex and love, and affairs and wives. I know a man who had numerous affairs and he said it was to scratch an itch- nothing more.

I think that's very 'black and white'. Some men can compartmentalise, but others cannot. I've met people of both sexes who can, but more men and women who cannot and this is why their behaviour at home often gives them away.

There are also all sorts of affairs between the two extremes of looking for something that's missing in a relationship and ones that are conducted to repeatedly 'scratch an itch' so agree with the 'at least' bit.

Because marriages are very complicated and dynamic entities.

My marriage is about our shared history, our DCs, our shared wider family, the house and garden we've worked on together, the mutual support we've given each other over ten years, etc, and yes the sex. If the sex bit isn't working, that doesn't mean the other 90% isn't either. And why throw away the 90% for the sake of a bad 10%?!

When people say a sexual affair would be marriage-ending, I can't help a little mental sneer that their marriage is based only on sexual fidelity. Mine is so much more than that.

I think cogito is right.

You can long for security and then when things are too certain and too secure you take risks and create a bit of UNcertainty. Remember that from a social studies class. Robin something, or somebody Robin! sorry I can't remember the theorist. HALF a story there.

When i was married i had affairs because i wanted to have sex with someone else. Sex with strangers is exciting to me. I have bipolar and when manic, extremely poor impulse control.

Nothing to do with the marriage or how much i loved my husband.

Horatia, you sneer at people who would end a marriage because their husband has cheated?!? you 'sneer' at that? Seriously??

I hope your garden, house and wider family comfort you when your husband is unfaithful then! It sounds a little conservative and materialist to me. but I'm not sneering.

"objectively only the seriously foolish would think that in 5, 10 or 20 years time, the OW/OM is still going to be sending 100 sexts a day"

Which is why there are serial cheats who hop from casual affair to casual affair when the novelty wears off. Keeps it fresh. It's why the excuse is often 'it meant nothing', why they find it relatively easy to end the affair and why they can't resist finding a replacement at some point in the future.

That's only one the one type. There are others who stay married and conduct affairs because - ironically - they don't want to hurt their partner. They see the staying married bit as 'doing the right thing'.

Maybe it's the company I keep but I know of several OW and OM.

In all cases, they were not guilt-free.

These friends include- one who had an affair for 9 years, and ended it on her terms, another had a long term affair because she didn't want to break up a marriage because of kids, and another friend has just found out about an OW.

In every one of these cases the marriages were unhappy before they met anyone else. They didn't want to leave their marriages or couldn't due to money, kids,and yes, they felt guilty.

I don't think anyone should judge- walk a mile, and all that.

Monogamy is not a natural state- 60+ years with one person, based on who you were at say 20 -ish?

I'm not excusing affairs- it hurts to be cheated on- but I do know several women who say they would forgive an affair, as life is long and it's one mistake along life's difficult road.

Horatio Just out of interest, how would you feel if your dh had an emotional affair but not sexual?

In some cases some marriages are completely sexless and somtimes also affectionless. One partner may be gay or asexual and has hidden it from the other partner when the relationship started.
The other partner then responds to affection that may be shown to them outside the marriage.

I'm always a bit uncomfortable about these discussions when people are seen in such one-dimensional terms i.e. either a serial cheat or someone who is looking to fill a gap in their relationships. I'm also conscious that the OP has experienced pain herself and it's why she's started this thread.

In RL, I've encountered far more people (men and women) who've had a single, completely regrettable affair and would never do so again, than I've met people who are serial philanderers or are in desperately unhappy marriages and looking for an escape from them. The type of affair the OP seems to be describing is I think far more common than people realise and I'm uncomfortable demonising people for a single episode of human frailty, especially those who face up to why it happened and learn from it. If you talk to therapists, they will agree that social networking, technology and the pressures of modern life with people working long hours and away from home has had a dramatic impact on fidelity and that the landscape has changed as a result, meaning that affairs no longer happen for the same reasons as in years gone by. So the people having affairs are not just philanderers or the unhappily married. They are ordinary, decent people in normal marriages i.e. one that has its ups and downs like any relationship.

I also think that we hear more about the extremes than we do about ordinary couples who have dealt with a regretted infidelity and have rebuilt their relationships. Those couples might have told a few close friends, but I suspect that some tell no-one.

Do you think that we over-react to affairs more now than say 40 years back?

My elderly parents had several friends who were not faithful- or knew of others. There was never any hint of ending a marriage because of it- divorce and living together were stigmatised then, more than an affair. I actually think the previous generations were more tolerant.

Okay- it's easier to end a marriage now- but maybe too easy?

Variety, a change,a crisis,ego,

so many scenarios. i guess the person having the affair could be emotionally detached from the spouse so much so they need to find that affection or 'ear' from someone else, but find that that's all they wanted from the spouse.

What if the innocent spouse really doesn't love the cheater as much anymore, but it has never been talked about, and that lacking bit does turn the one who cheats head.
I know of a couple who seem to be happy to be unhappy or unfulfilled emotionally together, and both had affairs at some point, but are still together.

I don't understand that one at all, as they just about say hello to each other of a day. Maybe op, the man can't leave because of the ultimate guilt? Maybe they do realise the guilt would be too much to bear?

What about men who stay for the kids too, is that actually the reason. Women can leave more easily in a way becuase they normally get the kids.

i think its bloody hard to stay married, and I think you must be very lucky to get till the death do us part bit.