Sorry, this is going to be a long post because a few posters have asked questions based on my one earlier. I'd like to preface this by pointing out that I'm answering them in relation to the specific question in this thread - people who have affairs who are nevertheless committed to their relationships and want to remain in them for reasons of love and not other factors. There are lots of different motivations for affairs but I want to stick to the point because that seems to be Bogeyface's dilemma....
Well none of the people having affairs are "the honest ones", are they, sternface?
People are rarely either honest about everything, or more to the point dishonest about everything, all of the time. I think seeing people as either 'honest' or 'dishonest' is too black and white.
The husbands I referred to certainly weren't honest with their partners while their affairs were going on, but the honesty I referred to relates to the aftermath they are dealing with - and their honesty with themselves, their partners and me as a neutral third party after the event. Frankly, it would have been a lot easier for them to insist that their affairs happened because they were unhappy, because that's more 'understandable' (and even forgiveable in some cases) by partners and wider society, than a reason that says more about their own personalities and sense of entitlement, than it does about their partners or their relationships. The people who are honest enough not to hide behind the usual excuses or reasons (if they are not applicable) and tell the truth about why they had an affair, are usually the people who manage to repair their relationships - because they take complete personal responsibility for what's happened and are willing to work on themselves and why they departed from their values.
sternface if those men really loved their wives as much as they claim, they wouldn't have intentionally hurt them in the first place.
This is one of the most difficult things for a couple to understand and resolve in the aftermath. The unfaithful one will often insist that it wasn't about 'intentional hurt' and that they told themselves that because their partners would never find out, no hurt would be caused. There's a failure to understand that a) doing a hurtful thing doesn't become any less hurtful just because the person doesn't know about it and b) their behaviour during the affair itself became hurtful to their partners, however much they thought they were 'compartmentalising'. IME, few people (regardless of gender) are good at compartmentalising and there is nearly always hurt at some level, even if a partner doesn't know why it's happening.
I think we've all got the capacity to hurt the people we love, especially if we are dishonest with ourselves and persuade ourselves that it isn't intentional, or directed at them, or that they'll never even register the hurt because they'll never find out. How many threads are there on Mumsnet from women who've had one-night stands and brief affairs and the majority response is 'don't tell your husband, what he doesn't know can't hurt him?'
I don't agree with that response, but I can see how and why people make those sorts of bargains with themselves and it's got nothing to do with them not loving their partners.
What it does have more to do with is self-interest and selfishness, but that needs facing up to along with everything else in the aftermath of an affair. What I'm also saying is that some people, however badly they've behaved, are willing to do that.
Someone asked (in relation to long term affairs and the OW's perspective about why a man is having an affair with them) -
Stern...in your opinion, why do they? I'm not talking about short term flings (when the man is probably just trying to get his rocks off) but in long term affairs, why does he bother if he's so happy at home and has so much to lose?
First of all I don't think all short term flings are just about someone trying to get their rocks off - it's often far more complex than that. But I've seen lots of people (women too) who are in parallel relationships that have existed for a long time and there are many reasons for it. Your question is specifically about those who are satisfied in their sanctioned relationships so I'll only comment on that. The answers are usually inside themselves and have clues in their childhoods. Sometimes it's about ego and needing to be adored by more than just one person, sometimes it's about a fear of vulnerability and intimacy and risking it all on just the one, sometimes it's more pragmatic than that and a knowledge that the partner or OM/OW will never be able to tick all their boxes as individuals (but in parallel they all get ticked.) Sometimes too, they think they love both people and argue that it's unrealistic to expect otherwise, despite the fact that they have their own expectations that their unwitting partners or the (at least aware) OW/OM will only love them and no-one else.....
From the OW or OM's perspective, they've got to work out what they are personally getting from these long-term relationships and it helps to have some insight into why their lovers are in them. It's often a mistake to think this is about them as individuals, or about their lovers' sanctioned partners or marriages, whereas there's more insight if they look at the motivations and personality of their lovers - and also inside their own selves and what's propelled them to be in this type of relationship.
Sorry, I said it was a long post and tbh, I'm still not sure if my posts or anyone else's are hitting the spot Bogeyface or are helping you with your individual circumstances. I expect you've had a PM from someone on this thread or a lurker who's had an affair and is giving you her own perceived reasons for it - but the point is people are not all the same and there's no 'catch all' reason for why people behave the way they do. The reasons people give themselves for their own behaviour, are not always the truth either.