Why have an affair if you dont want to leave your marriage?

[bogeyface]

I am confused.

My H had an affair, and was gutted to be found out as a) he thought he was cleverer than that (Hah! He wishes!!) and b) he desperately didnt want me to kick him out.

But why? I have seen on MN where men get caught and beg to be given another chance and I dont understand why. If you are cheating then surely you have checked out of the marriage emotionally and/or sexually, so why not take advantage of not having to have the "I am lleaving you" conversation and just leave?

I genuinely dont get why so many people cheat but dont want to lose their marriages when they are found out.

www.moresexdaily.com/guest_sexperts/infidelity-is-not-always-wrong-especially-when-your-spouse-hasnt-touched-you-for-years-and-he-refuses-to-go-to-counselling-one-reader-tells-her-story/

Yes darkeyes - those cases occur but I would argue that those are only a tiny minority of the huge number of extra-marital affairs. There are many reasons for infidelity - most of it not the inadequacy of the betrayed spouse.

Orm that article was written by me. its about my situation. However it is not actually the minority. We only think it is because women like me cant stick their heads above the parapet and talk about it for fear of ridicule in public as i explain in the article.
However i have seen friends in RL go through what you have too. Its heartbreaking and soul destroying.

^^ THIS!

Signing up someone to a non-monogamous relationship without their permission or knowledge can never be an acceptable or defensible course of action.

THIS sums up my feelings about affairs.

sternface

I appreciate that you want to remain anon - which you say in a rather roundabout way!- but when you write things like this, it's a bit of a giveaway.

Having worked with countless couples and individuals who are trying to deal out with the fall-out from infidelity, I completely agree that this is a very common, but 'hidden' type of affair.

You also refer in another post to having talked to " many OW".

If you are not a counsellor then you are in a smilar line of work, either with refuge women or in an academic setting.

I'm sorry , but I have several good friends who are qualified counsellors, I think you are stepping over boundaries by posting here in a professional yet anon, guise.

Your posts show that you are not non-judgemental, and indeed hold very strong views on affairs and everything to do with relationships.

This does not sit well with me, knowing how non-judgemental counsellors ought to be.

I doubt your posts will "out" you- but who knows:) But more to the point, you are not doing the counselling profession much good by posting your judgy views because people go for counselling in the expectation that the counsellor is neutral, and does not have fixed views which influence the support they give. (You may argue that all counsellors do have opinions but they hide them for the sake of the client.)

Stern
This was the other post.

To be fair, I've also talked to lots of 'third parties' (mostly OW) who also struggle with this question.They cannot understand why a man is having an affair with them if they are happy at home and want to remain in their marriages (and some men are honest about that, at least.)They tie themselves in knots trying to overlay their own beliefs onto the situation, despite what the man is telling them.

You may not be naming your "clients" if that is who you refer to here, but even paraphrasing their responses and describing their behaviour does, IMO, go very close to the line of maintaining absolute confidentiality.

I suppose you think that your experience qualifies you to post here, and give advice. I don't think I'd like to be one of your clients whose relationships were used as fodder for internet forum posts.

Don't you think you are sailing a little close to the wind, professionally?

If a man is 100% happy in his marriage he will say he is happy.

If he is 90% happy in his marriage and the other 10% of his needs are met by having an affair, he will still say he is happy in his marriage.

And if he is only 60% happy in his marriage but the other 40% is taken care of by one or more other women, he will still say he is happy in his marriage.

He may well believe it too.

Because his needs are being met.

So saying that he had an affair even though he was happy in his marriage might not be all it seems.

BoPeeP thank you so much for writing this:

... what people who have never been the OW or OM don't get, is the all-consuming passion and sheer lust that often goes with it. People talk of it like a drug- like being on heroin- ( or even something more mundane like smoking) That once you are hooked, even though your rational brain tells you it' s worng, you find it very, very hard to stop. I had a male friend who described it precisely like that- he knew it was wrong but like a junkie he had to keep going back for the sex, and not just that- emotional fixes too.

Now, this puts my H in a very difficult conundrum! Because we had a very good sex life (and looking back I can see him starting to act out which I went along with [dressing up etc] and really enjoyed) and it absolutely was not because he wasn't getting enough.

But he can't admit what you wrote. (He actually says the sex was boring and she was a prude. Liar.) So I know he is lying. Which means I don't trust him [at all, on any level]. And he isn't getting any, because I don't respond to whom I don't trust.

Can I give another reason why people have affairs, which I would quite like Charbon and Sternface to comment on?

Because they are angry. And frighteningly, that anger might be projection from past wounds.

Affairs are such a mistake. In my case, because all the crying washed my eyes out and I ceased to be blind to some very deep issues I didn't create and can't cure or control.

BoPeep, that is really being a bit arsey. What Stern says really can be found in many many modern books on affairs. That this is backed up by her professional experience is hardly a betrayal? Why are you reacting?

Fairenuff: He may well believe it too. - Because his needs are being met. - So saying that he had an affair even though he was happy in his marriage might not be all it seems.

Ha ha ha haaaaa! BANG ON! The selfishness involved in affairs is just

RRRR, I hate the MN review process... I meant to add BP, non-judgemental does NOT mean morally relativistic.

I have yet to meet a therapist who does not say anything other than 'affairs are a huge mistake'. Because they witness at first hand the pain and the destruction.

I have meet several who agree wholeheartedly with you about the addictive aspect of it, which is why 'just say no' (and condemnation) does not work. You can actually say 'you are making a big fucking mistake' in a very loving and accepting of the person way. The two are not mutually exclusive!

miss I dont think that Stern has broken any confidentiality rules either legally or morally. Any more than Shirley Glass has by using examples from her professional work in her books to give advice to others.

I think that Stern has shut you up and so you are trying to attack her in the only way you can think of!

Are you the OW BoPeep?

Seems to me that you must be.

Another one who sees nothing whatever wrong in what Sternface has posted.

And I don't think it is relevant or helpful (or in fact, acceptable) to call a poster on her possible professional situation when you have no idea what it is, and are not, we assume, an expert on the protocol surrounding counselling and forum involvement, even if you had some information on her background (which you don't).

So really, I think you should leave off and keep it in the realm of 'not personal'. There's no call for it.

Bogeyface, I thought that too.

Are you the OW BoPeep?

Seems to me that you must be.

That is so pathetic Bogey.

No is the asnwer.

I thought the same thing bogey

I don't think that's any more our business than it is whether Stern is a counsellor or not.

Ah...

Fair enough

of COURSE she is a counsellor! And no, for the pedantic, Stern the therapist hasn't actually confirmed to me personally she is one... but you know, for the observant of us, there are a few phrases...

I for one really enjoy her and Charbon's insights. especially the points that confirm the issue is in the personal makeup of the betrayer and not the marriage

It's ironic that someone said stern had "shut me up".

Cousnellors are supposed to be neutral. They are supposed to encourage discussion not shut people up, or take sides.

And the difference between the late Shirley Glass and Stern is that the fomer is named- do presumably her clients at the time knew she was an author, and maybe she asked permssion to quote them, and Stern is anon but alludes to her clients' problems.

My gripe is not just with confidentiality but with her taking sides which is the anathema of counselling and does harm to the profession if people think their counsellor is judgemental if they wish use them for issues like affairs.

I'm a bit shocked that I need to spell this out.

Why on earth is it pathetic? You are arguing from the POV of someone either having an affair or being an affair partner, and trying to convince themselves that its ok and "different for us". What you are saying makes no sense unless you are or have been one or the other. If you have been cheated on then you wouldnt be so excusing.

But she isnt taking sides!

She is saying what counsellors will always say and that is that affairs are destructive and will only cause more problems than they solve. As for alluding to her clients problems, she isnt. She is discussing problems that millions of people have throughout the world that she happens to know more about because she deals with it more closely than most.

As for "shut you up" I merely meant that she shot down your argument which you claimed as fact when it was, at best, an opinion and a flawed one at that.

I don't know the rules myself but nowhere has Stern alluded to individual clients' problems. Only a generalised view of what might happen in an affair situation - there is nothing confidentiality related there at all afaik.

And why on earth did you want to know about her accreditations/affiliations?

sorry

I haven't been reading carefully enough to comment but you did just make me laugh.