Why have an affair if you dont want to leave your marriage?

[bogeyface]

I am confused.

My H had an affair, and was gutted to be found out as a) he thought he was cleverer than that (Hah! He wishes!!) and b) he desperately didnt want me to kick him out.

But why? I have seen on MN where men get caught and beg to be given another chance and I dont understand why. If you are cheating then surely you have checked out of the marriage emotionally and/or sexually, so why not take advantage of not having to have the "I am lleaving you" conversation and just leave?

I genuinely dont get why so many people cheat but dont want to lose their marriages when they are found out.

You can't compare a sneaky biscuit to betraying someone you supposedly love.

Sadly not all women or men can live up to your high standards.

True. And those who can't are selfish twats.

Just out of curiosity- Soup and Faire- would you ever see yourselves as counsellors? I just wonder, because these are the kind of issues that they deal with all the time, and they have to be non-judgemental.

Fairee- I knew you or someone would make that point about a biscuit and another relationship.

If you think about it really hard , maybe you can see the comparison- it's about will power and the part of your brain that is seeking pleasure- and the part that is telling you it's bad for you.

I'm not defending affairs- but I have 3 close friends who have been involved, and believe me, it's not as simple as you try to make out. I also have another good friend whose DH has strayed- she said it would be the end, but when it's actually happened it's the last thing she wants- to wants to hang onto her marriage.

mouthcow's point wasn't that she was perfect, her point was that nobody can make you cheat. She was correct there.

@Missbopeep, I'd say we all know it's not simple!! I clung on to a sinking ship for years. But now I realise how misguided I was. I believed I was doing the right thing at the time though. I think it's a denial based on fear though, not pragmatism and not altruism (ie, "for the children's sakes")

Not being able to get over it is really all about egos being bruised.

So my pain is because my ego was bruised was it? Not because my husband decided that he would fuck someone else thoughout my entire pregnancy and (at that point) 80% of the time we had been married?

Thanks for that.

I'm far from perfect. But when I am in a relationship with someone, I would respect their feelings enough not to cheat on them. No matter what it was that was missing in my relationship that I was looking for elsewhere, I wouldn't do it at the expense of someone else's feelings.

That's not being 'perfect', it's being considerate of other people's emotions, and not just my own.

I'm only doing what I expect in return. If I wanted to be treated with no respect, no consideration for how I feel, then fine, I'd do that to my heart's content. But I don't. I wouldn't treat someone I was in a relationship like that, and in turn I wouldn't accept being treated like that.

Ego being bruised? Really?

I think it's more about the utter devastation you feel when the person you believed and trusted in above all others betrays you.

We all can HAVE these emotions. However, it is up to us to make CHOICE whether or not to act on those emotions we may feel for an OW/OM.

I chose NOT to, until I had ended the previous relationship. Because I owed it to my partner to be respectful enough not to shag someone else while still professing to love him. Which I obviously didn't, or I wouldn't have finished the relationship when I met someone I felt all heady and excited about the minute our eyes met.

It's quite simple - if you don't want to be emotionally and sexually faithful to your partner, then you aren't in love with them, and should set them free to find someone who is in love with them.

Taking responsibility for your own actions and choices makes a huge difference too. If the cheating partner comes out with excuses like you were tired/you weren't exciting enough/I was lonely/you didn't have sex with me enough/etc etc, then it would be sayonara from me. Because even after disrespecting me and our relationship, he would still not be taking responsibility for his own choices.

Only the cheater is responsible for their cheating. Only they made the choice to cross that line between flirting/looking at someone, and investing time, energy and money into building a relationship with the OW/OM instead of spending that time, energy and money on their existing relationship, or finishing that relationship first.

There is no excuse EVER for cheating, and it would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't do it to them so I don't expect it done to me.

bruised egos!!! omg as if you would even say that, how about total betrayal of trust.

I think some people are just more affected by sexual infidelity than others. I wouldn't be horribly upset by a one night stand but probably more by a full on affair. I understand why people cheat even though I've never done it since I got married. If the right circumstances came up I couldn't say hand on heart that I wouldn't.

nulgirl what would your husband say if you said that to him? I for one would be gutted if my hubby said "if the right circumstances came up I couldn't hand on heart say that I wouldn't"
Its almost like saying if something better came along.....

Well he probably would be upset but to be honest he has betrayed me in other ways. As I say, some people care more about sexual infidelity. I have always taken a very French approach to it (ironically as it is my dh who is French - not me). I don't think infidelity is a deal breaker for me. Appreciate other people don't feel the same way.

CowthyMow

It's taking me all my energy and will power not to transpose the letters of your nickname :)

Did you have children with that first partner you left?

Maybe you should try to imagine marriages where neither party loves each other any more- or very much. They have children, a mortgage or negative equity, and they cannot afford to divorce. They don't even want to divorce- it's too much of an upset and they want to give the children stability.

One of them meets someone else and decides it's ok to run something else alongside their marriage.

This is often how affairs go. It's not always a case of one party being devastated, betrayed or whatever.

I for one would be gutted if my hubby said "if the right circumstances came up I couldn't hand on heart say that I wouldn't"

DH and I have actually had this conversation, we both think there are circumstances where we probably would, and it wouldn't be a marriage-ending thing if it did happen.

I would of course be upset if he wanted to leave me for someone else, but I don't think I would be overly bothered if he wanted to have a bit of fun on the side (though I know obviously one of those things can lead to the other!). I don't see it as 'betrayal', that seems a bit over-dramatic to me. It's just sex.

We aren't really in the habit of trying to dictate or control each other's behaviour.

To me the word " betrayed" is over-used.

There are millions of men who dearly love their wives and have affairs.
There are also millions of women who do the same.

Don't bother to say oh, if they loved them then they wouldn't have sex with someone else. It doesn't work like that.

For me I was definitely betrayed.
To tell her that he HAD to marry me because I had cancer is wicked.
To tell her that I had threatened to kill my children if he went sailing is wicked.

We, my children, friends and neighbours , knew there was something wrong and he was given every opportunity to tell the truth,but he chose not to.

Instead he chose to carry on with his web of deceit.....and that hurts.

It hurts that he no longer speaks to his children because of his shame. The look of hurt on my daughters 20th birthday last week was immeasurable.

Why don't they walk away before all the damage is caused? Because he didn't want to. He was arrogant enough to think he wouldn't be found out.

Don't bother to say oh, if they loved them then they wouldn't have sex with someone else. It doesn't work like that.

I dont think anyone would say that, I know that my husband still loved me when he was having his affair.

But an affair is a betrayal, it is a betrayal of the trust someone has in you. To betray someones trust is widely accepted as an unacceptable and in emotional relationships, a hugely hurtful thing to do.

Why would you say it was over used?! If its used alot perhaps that because it happens alot, not because people are over reacting to having the rug pulled out from under when the person they love and trust above all others has lied and cheated.

For those who think it's ok to cheat, why all the secrecy around it? If the other person isn't going to feel devastated or betrayed or going to want a divorce, why not just tell them you're shagging someone else.

Hello dear, how was your day? Oh not bad, good morning at the office, quick shag in my lunch break and a fairly productive afternoon. What's for dinner?

The only reason cheaters don't tell is because they know it's wrong, they know full well their partner would not like it. But they do it anyway because they don't care.

And dress it up as an emotional whirlwind.

First, as someone who has been married for 20 years and lied to and betrayed for over five of those, Im not sure any one who hasnt been betrayed is able to offer any useful insights to someone like me- what they think they would do, and what they actually do, is not usually the same thing.

Secondly, this kind of behaviour does not happen in a vacuum. Clearly the marriage is in trouble, and there have been other signs of that. However, a person with these characteristics, ladies, is not willing to work on those issues, and believe me, they are also willing to even identify them or acknowledge them. Because they have their own private sneaky solution.

And (and this is something for Ed to consider), when did you ever mean an affair partner who had not been told that he 'does this and that for her, she is needy, he makes all these allowances for her' etc etc?

Jeez, its what they say!! They dont justs lie to their wives. They lie to the affair partner too. And very often because they are lying to themselves.

They actually stay because they are GETTING SOMETHING FOR THEMSELVES from the marriage. They are too fucking selfish at the time to stay for any other reason. S

AS Shirley Glass, who has undertaken academic and respected research into infidelity, says, it is not almost always the betrayer who is giving less to the marriage than the betrayed wife.

In my own case, and i mention it because it is so typical, I married a man who was in reality an obsessive, but I didnt see it. It was a result of a damaged upbringing, about which I knew less than the full story. So he obsessed about work, and became a workaholic, whilst I also worked and produced 3 children with him. He came home tired, and then needed to wind down, so spent all the rest of his time on computers, watching football, and any other hobby important to just him. eg any domestic task he agreed to, he 'forgot'.

As I began to complain about this, he denied consistently i had a fair view, and eventually turned to OW because he had a 'controlling wife who didnt understand him;. Unsurprisingly, and to disagree with another point raised above, he didnt choose a woman for passion and love. He chose many of them, and dropped them like hot bricks as soon as I found out.

When even I pointed out how badly they- the OW- had been treated, he said 'so what', its our family who are important and they are nothing to me.

For men who are like this, the OW are just mirrors who reflect back to them the kind of responsibility- free approval which only children expect. Because these men have not grown up.

Whilst their actual children have a fantastic legacy ahead of them,I dont think, and for a variety of reasons.

not willing, I meant.

Jeez, my grammar- I mean that the betrayer almost always gives less to the marriage than the betrayed wife, ie is taking more and giving less to the relationship.

Well if there were issues in my marriage maybe he should have told me because I was oblivious to any. Everyone who knew us thought that we had a strong , solid marriage and are as shocked as I am.
I had no idea

Five with respect- and I'm sorry for your pain- what you wrote is your take on it, your experience, and your psycho-analysis.

It's not to say it applies to everyone.

I also think your DH would have a different take on it.

On MN we only ever hear one side.

mrs the issue in your marriage could well have been that you were married to a man who couldnt fully commit and be honest. How on earth would you know? Dealing with that issue would have meant him admitting to it and he wouldnt do that would he?

FWIW, I had no idea and didnt know we had any issues. Turns out that our issue was that he was a cheating lying cunt. Go figure.....

MissBoPeep - if that arrangement on the dude was with the agreement and knowledge of BOTH parties in the relationship, then fair enough. When it is done covertly and filled with deceit and dishonesty, and one person unilaterally making decisions for both people in the relationship, then it is IMO a deal breaker.

When just one person decides that their marriage is not happy enough to have emotional and sexual faithfulness to their partner, while keeping their partner in the dark about that decision, when their partner possibly feels like it is a generally ok marriage, then that IS selfish, it IS a betrayal.

It is a totally different kettle of fish if a couple have discussed the fact that they are not happy together, but cannot afford to divorce, and are ok with each other seeing other people.

It's NOT ok if nothing is discussed, and the cheating partner would be upset if their partner did the same.

It has to work for both parties, not just one.