Why have an affair if you dont want to leave your marriage?

[bogeyface]

I am confused.

My H had an affair, and was gutted to be found out as a) he thought he was cleverer than that (Hah! He wishes!!) and b) he desperately didnt want me to kick him out.

But why? I have seen on MN where men get caught and beg to be given another chance and I dont understand why. If you are cheating then surely you have checked out of the marriage emotionally and/or sexually, so why not take advantage of not having to have the "I am lleaving you" conversation and just leave?

I genuinely dont get why so many people cheat but dont want to lose their marriages when they are found out.

People a lot more forgiving of women who leave

they are aren't they.

I don't think the previous generation were more tolerant. I'd say they (especially women) had fewer choices. I was in the process of divorcing my H recently (we're working on things now, but that is by the by). I stood to leave the marriage in a very safe secure position, with capital, and some level of maintenance until I could get my career restarted. I'm not sure my grandmother would have had the same security had she left her husband.

Some relationships just run out of steam and boredom kicks in. An affair is such a cowardly way to end it but so many people start the exit from a relationship by forming others. Sometimes I think monogamy is unrealistic otherwise why do so many people cheat yet still claim to love the original person? I think they do love them but have grown out of it

I don't think people over-react to affairs because calling someone's hurt, shock and sense of betrayal an over-reaction seems quite minimising and belittling of their feelings. I also don't think people feel any differently now to their parents and grandparents, but their choices are greater now than hitherto. So they don't have to stay in a marriage that isn't going to be faithful, especially in view of the greater financial independence that people have now and the trend towards shared-parenting. I think people are less likely to blame themselves for their partner's behaviour these days and I celebrate that, because in my parents' era (1950s) if a man had an affair, his wife would be told that she was to blame for the event. Unfortunately I still think there's a lot of that victim-blaming around, which is why we don't hear so much about the type of affair the OP is describing.

People who know because their partners have told them (often in counselling) that the cause of an affair was not unhappiness or a desire to leave the relationship, often resolve this as a couple or with a therapist precisely because of the somewhat one-dimensional view others have about why affairs happen and because some people choose to blame them, even if their partners don't at all.

Well, I could see myself having an affair for several reasons, but I don't think I'd want to leave my marriage.
My circs have changed considerably since getting married. It's not the marriage I expected although many aspects are excellent.
I wouldn't do it. But if I met me who had, iyswim, I would understand why...

Oh, and I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to hurt my husband, were he to find out. Wouldn't want to hurt him.
Which would also necessitate finding an OM who didn't have kids or a wife.
And not many of them about, so...

Why would you have an affair if you did want to leave your marriage? Surely there would be no need, you could leave and then start a new relationship, no need for all the sneaking about.

I think there are various reasons people do it, sometimes it's the excitement of a new/illicit partner. It's very natural and normal to be attracted to someone other than your spouse, even if you love them and are committed to the marriage long-term. Of course you don't have to act on that attraction, but human nature being what it is, it's unsurprising that sometimes some people do give in to temptation if the opportunity presents itself.

I wouldn't automatically end my marriage over 'infidelity'.

I hope your garden, house and wider family comfort you when your husband is unfaithful then! It sounds a little conservatfairenufgive and materialist to me. but I'm not sneering.

It's precisely because he was unfaithful and our marriage survived that I hold this view. If we hadn't had the mutual support (etc) which is about far more than finances as you seem to be suggesting, then our marriage would have been flimsy enough to break up. But the sex bit only represented a small factor so it wasn't critical.

An emotional affair, though, as Fairenuff suggested, would threaten more than just the sex part of our marriage. It would threaten the friendship part and the confidant part too. So that would be harder.

My point is that a man isn't just a sexual partner, he is also a father and a friend and a co-earner and a co-owner (and ditto a woman with the equivalent roles). In having an affair he isn't abandoning any of those other roles and may still be fulfilling them absolutely properly.

I have never cheated. Not on a boyfriend, nor on my ex husband.

But I Understand that I COULD have been in a position where I might have been tempted.

My ex H was an abusive twat, who drank to excess and for whom, by the end, I had no respect. He was literally a parasite. I earned 90% of the income, did all the childcare, all the house work, all the financial management. all teh social planning. He watched TV worked minimum wage for 37 hour a week and shouted a lot. i detested him. the kids were afraid of him.

fortunately he did something so awful that I ended the farce of the marriage. but IF I had met someone during the last 6/12 I hope I would have had the courage and strength to resist any improper relationship - and I believe would have. But I do understand why some cant.

I have always been financially independent which provided me with everything i and the kids needed. It makes a huge difference.

Sometimes they don't want to leave their children.

Really interesting thread. People and feelings are so complicated. I've been really struggling these last few days since finding out my partner has had at least two meet ups with men from a gay hook up site.

It's been a great relationship overall and I am getting the begging, promises, tears etc. I am incredibly hurt and can't eat or sleep and can't see any going back. When the hurt hits, which is often, I want to say some very angry and nasty things.

I might be delusional but I do think he's upset because he does love me a lot and does want to be with me. At the moment this clearly isnt possible but I'm seeing through posting on here and reading online that not as simple as he wanted to have his cake and eat it.

It's not something I can get my head round at all and I'm in a lot of pain but I'm trying to look at it logically in some way.

Maybe I am in total denial, I don't know.

I have also gotten past a partner cheating in the past and while that relationship did end I do think it was right to give it a go and that it ended not because of the affair but incomptabilities and the affair was just a symptom. Weirdly we are now quite close friends and he's been a great support to me these last few days - in the aftermath of uncovering that affair I could never have believed this could happen.

Yes, jeux, that's my main reason, actually.
A lot of people live on loveless marriages and take crumbs of affection when they come their way.
In such cases I try to walk a mile in their shoes before judging

My point is that a man isn't just a sexual partner, he is also a father and a friend

But would a friend lie to you. Would a friend choose to do something that they know would break your heart?

My h was very interesting on this subject, as someone who has given up being serially unfaithful.

He said what Charbon talks about- that he came to realise afterwards that he did this because it was exciting/new beginnings and a great escape from pressure. He did it when he was stressed and unhappy initially, but later on he also did it because he was getting a real buzz from some work or other, and after it ended he didnt want to let that feeling go- finding and 'conquering' a young woman on the net enabled him to keep that feeling going.

The need to chase those types of feelings- at work or through new sex- came from his childhood. He had a very difficult childhood, really quite abusive- and he handled it through withdrawing, emotional detachment, splitting himself, and as soon as he hit puberty (13) getting into a heap of wild sexual relationships until he was about 20. So he was looking to recreate that too, on some level, and I would also say he was using the content of those sexual encounters to manage his feeling about those past childhood power and control issues which he didnt manage or explore in real life.

Obviously he blamed me on some level whilst he was doing it, so not to take responsibility for himself, but when he did finally admit what he was up to (he had no choice) , our conversations about when/why/what led him (and me) to these new conclusions.

A good father wouldn't deceive the mother of his children and a good friend wouldn't put you in the position of being humiliated

fairenuff you've hit the nail on the head.

My DH said to me " I couldn't help it if I fancied her" well yes you could have said no

And yes he was still making plans for our future and said that he didn't want our marriage to end BUT he has done sweet f all to try and make amends and I believe he is now living with her.
He hasn't spoken to our daughter in 6 months now. Doesn't have a job and is drinking again.i wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now but the betrayal is almost unbearable at times.

He is no friend of mine and no father to our grown up children

I don't really understand it either. Once I was in a longish relationship and I felt like I wanted to go out by myself, and meet someone I thought might understand me better than my boyfriend did.
I felt terribly guilty about it. I went by myself, he was upset and couldn't understand why I didn't want to bring him with me.
Our relationship ended after a while - he had similar feelings about other people, too. I guess we just didn't satisfy each other in all the ways we needed...tbh I wonder if any marriage does tick all the boxes.

Maybe that is why people do it. It is a continual quest to be understood and loved, by as many people as it takes to get every part of you that you feel matters.

I just found it hard to sustain the 'home' relationship while I felt so attractedto the idea of being loved by this other person...my boyfriend could have no place in my thoughts when I was feeling the need for the other person. (I never did get it on with other person btw - but I wanted to).

It was just a horrid, guilty situation and very upsetting for both of us. It didn't mean I didn't love my boyfriend. I just needed something else - it was never a question of his inadequacy, only that I had greater needs than he could sustain and that wasn't his fault. It was right that we broke up.

Being on the other side of it - being desired by a man who is already married and has no intention of leaving - confuses the hell out of me, as I need to believe I'm properly loved in order to go the distance. And if I know he's making use of me, and I'll never get his investment in a relationship between us, I cannot go for it. It makes me really sad as he always wants to sleep with me and I won't do it, because it's so shallow and also of course it's wrong.

I need someone of my own - but I don't really understand what he wants from me, iyswim.

But would a friend lie to you. Would a friend choose to do something that they know would break your heart?

and

a good father wouldn't deceive the mother of his children and a good friend wouldn't put you in the position of being humiliated

Both of you are making assumptions about the nature of a relationship and of an affair. The fact of my husband's sleeping with another woman didn't break my heart or humiliate me - the latter in particular is a very old-fashioned view of infidelity that I must have been at fault. It doesn't reflect badly on me, only him, and since neither of us made it public there was no humiliation to deal with.

My husband's sex life - or for that matter, my sex life - has nothing to do with how good he is at listening to his children, rubbing sore knees, dealing with misbehaviour and so on.

Do you dump friends if they keep a secret from you? I don't.

But can a 'good' person have affairs and still be a good person?

The one who's after me seems so lovely - I've known him so many years - but for his seeming addiction to infidelity. He doesn't fit the stereotype of an arsehole. He's too nice. Just so afraid of honesty I think, or commitment maybe, which makes him drive a wedge between himself and any woman he claims to love - whether she is aware of it or not.

As I said - very sad. And I don't support it.

I think the sterotype of an arsehole might be 'too nice'!

Horatio, I am glad your husband sleeping with another woman didn't break your heart, but you are unusual in that respect I think. I am not sneering at you for that mindset, however

I don't think a good person can have emotional affairs and still be a good person, no.

I think someone can be good and stay good despite having meaningless sex with someone who isn't his wife. But that does depend on the characters of the wife, the husband and the other woman/man. Some people find sex so meaningless and separate from love/affection that it can be like going shopping or running with someone else. Fun but not particularly intimate IYSWIM.

I mean, too nice to be an arsehole. He's very funny and kind and gentle, very amenable - I think you might be right though, he can be like this but ONLY if somewhere else in his life, he is screwing you over at the same time.

That's not very nice at all is it.

Horatia - yes, I see what you mean. Trying to work out now how meaningful it is when we are together...he holds my hand, we hug, we touch more than friends would, and we talk for hours.

Maybe this is just him trying to get intimate enough for sex to happen.Or maybe we just have an emotional connection. I don't object to the closeness. I think we both need it in some way - well maybe that's me being selfish. But I don't really want sex, when I know it's not leading to anything further.

I realise this might sound awful, having an emotional affair I suppose it is - I hadn't thought of it like that

But he is the father of my child and thus, we struggle to find common links that enable us to get on for his sake. I think we cling to whatever 'works' and avoids conflict.