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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

having an affair.....sort of....

110 replies

jenny99 · 06/09/2012 13:35

Hi.....I'm not sure this is in the right section, but it is headed relationships. I'm new here, maybe I just haven't read far enough back.

I've seen a few posts about the men having an affair. Are any of the ladies? I know it is wrong.....but sometimes we somehow fall into these situations. I haven't physically had an affair as the person I am 'carrying on with' is abroad. It is an old boyfriend, and I haven't seen him yet, but I know from the exchanges we've had over the last few months that it will turn into a full blown affair.

I can't explain how all the old feelings have come back. My marriage (13yrs) has been very on the rocks for a couple of years.

Just wondering what experiences others have had.

OP posts:

GoldenGeek · 06/09/2012 13:37

If your marriage is on the rocks or has been, deal with it first. Don't dive into something else. End your marriage or work on it, but don't bring a third party in to it.

And I'm sorry, but I disagree with 'falling into it'. Sounds like a bull excuse.

OnlyWantsOne · 06/09/2012 13:39

You don't fall into an affair. Its a choice that you make.

Original poster

jenny99 · 06/09/2012 13:44

maybe i worded it wrong. I guess I didn't fall into it. But if you had told me 2 years ago I would be doing this I would totally disbelieve it. A friend was in danger of starting up an affair, and I told her to not even kiss the man. I told her it was wrong, and she shouldn't do it, and that even a kiss was not right. I am not saying what I am doing is right, or a good path to be taking. I am just wondering if other people have done similar that's all.

OP posts:

Back2Two · 06/09/2012 13:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 13:45

You're not 'falling' into an affair. You're plotting and planning to have one.

If your marriage is on the rocks, get a tug to pull it off or sail away from the wreck via a solicitor who specialises in divorce and in family law if you have dc.

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 13:47

If you don't act on the advice you gave your friend, what kind of hypocrite person does that make you?

Kewcumber · 06/09/2012 13:48

my experience is that if your relationship is on the rocks you either:

a) end it
b) try to save it
c) agree with your partner that you will have an open relationship and shag whomever you like at will.

In the absence of any other information, anything else strikes me as being a bit tacky and hardly fair on your partner. Whatever your issues surely he deserves the choice to have an affair on a level playing field too?

Lovemy3kids · 06/09/2012 13:49

Walk away and sort out your marriage first - affairs destroy families, cause hurt, pain, mistrust and the affects last for far longer than you can imagine.....take it from some one who knows.

QuintessentialShadows · 06/09/2012 13:50

Finding an old flame on Facebook, that old chest nut? It is such a regular occurrence that it is almost a cliche. I think Facebook is the biggest cause of relationship breakups.

It seems so "safe". A guy you knew half a life time ago. You remember the "good old days". Youth, life ahead of you, carefree and single, no worries. So easy to get trapped into thinking that Life can be like this again.

It is not a time machine you know! People change! Although online you can pretend to be pretty much anything, it may not be the truth at all. You are not that youthful person you were in your teens! You are a married mum, taken over by the same lust you had as a youngster experiencing your first rush of lust and longing.

Kewcumber · 06/09/2012 13:51

"I am just wondering if other people have done similar that's all." - of course they have

What relevance is how many other people have done it. Will it be better if others have been equally disrespectful to their partner/relationship.

Maybe this is why I'm currently single - I just don't understand why you have a relationship with someone and cheat on them. If its not working - sort it out then shag whomever the hell you like with a clear conscience.

Kewcumber · 06/09/2012 13:53

"I can't explain how all the old feelings have come back" well its not rocket science is it? Much easier to have a fantasy relationship with facebook then perhaps a part-time no responsibillity relationship with an old flame than deal with imperfect long term relationship issues.

I know which one will make you feel better about yourself in the long term though.

GoldenGeek · 06/09/2012 13:56

Sounds like you get a thrill out of this, but do you want to do this? If you do, end your marriage now, allow your OH some dignity and don't treat him as though 13years of marriage count for zip.

Why do people wait until they have another partner lined up? Are they that scared of being alone for a while?

SoggySummer · 06/09/2012 13:58

I expect you are going to get slaughtered for starting this thread.

I have no personal experience but have several friends who are "victims" of their partners/husbands affairs and some of them are still "hurting" 5,6,7 years down the line.

I also have a few close friends that have/are having affairs. One is really affecting our current friendship for reasons too identifying to put on here. I dont approve of what they do. One of them I can understand how/why it happend but I dont condone it but then its not my place to tell them how to conduct their lives.

7 years ago I hardly knew anyone who had an affair or had any friends who marriages had broken down because of one. Now I know lots of people either having affairs, admitted to having them and have several seperated and divorces friends all down to infidelity. I think affairs alot more common than we think. I think there are alot more people out there being unfaithful than most people realise. I have certainly had my eyes opended in the past few years. And it has to be said the people having the affairs are not the ones I would have EVER thought would, if someone had asked me who I thought would a few years go. They are what I always thought nice, decent caring people. All of them have their reasons for doing it - but again I dont neccessarily agree on those reasons.

QuintessentialShadows · 06/09/2012 13:58

Here is a thought. Why not get off Facebook, and put your focus on your current relationship?

OliveandJim · 06/09/2012 14:14

Have you tried empathy? Put yourself in your DH's shoes, how would you feel if he told you he'd started a relationship with an old flame as your marriage was on the rocks for years... Pretty hurtful isn't it? Lacking totally of respect? For sure.
Like everyone else has said, sort out your marriage first, if you really think it is not salvageaber tell your husband. Why would you remain in the marriage if you want a relationship with someone else? Set your DH free if you want to be rid of him.
And like some have said, a long distance relationship with someone from the past sounds a completley fantasy. Good luck once you wake up to reality.

Original poster

jenny99 · 06/09/2012 14:25

Thank you very much for all your comments. I know what I am doing is wrong. That wasn't what I wanted advice on, but realise everyone likes to give advice. Yes I could get off Facebook etc etc, and FYI this isn't being conducted via Facebook.

I also realise how wrong it is to my OH.

All I wondered was, with thousands of subscribers....am I the only woman doing this?!

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 06/09/2012 14:28

again - no of course you're not. I don't understand what you looking for here - probably not the best place for a support group but I'm sure if you do a search on mumsnet (top right "advanced search") you'll find some like minded people if thats what you want.

I have had affairs with married men but have never cheated when in a relationship myself, do I meet your criteria?

ErikNorseman · 06/09/2012 14:29

Of course you aren't the only woman to have had an affair! But why do you want posters to come and confess to you? Nobody will tell you it's a good idea!

QuintessentialShadows · 06/09/2012 14:29

I cannot decide: Are you smug or proud?

Losingitall · 06/09/2012 14:32

You are in for such a rough ride and you will deserve it!

Houseofplain · 06/09/2012 14:44

I've had a face ache account for about 6 years. I've got exs on it. I've managed to go ALL that time with no sex talk with anyone. I have loads of blokes on mine as well!

WOW I must be butt ugly

OliveandJim · 06/09/2012 14:45

Op there is currently an active thread about a woman who cheated on her husband, whose marriage is now desolving and who is no longer sure she wants/ed out. Food for thought....

NimpyWindowMash · 06/09/2012 14:54

OP, in response to your original question, yes I'm sure others are doing it. Unsurprisingly, they don't get a very sympathetic ear on here, which is why there aren't so many threads about it. I cheated on my DH many moons back, and I was totally blinkered at the time that I was doing a bad thing. I thought that if he didn't find out then no one would get hurt. But then a friend pointed out to me that I was pretending to him to be something that I wasn't, and this betrayal was still unfair to him, even if he didn't find out. I was too stupid and hooked on lust to see it like this at the time.

But it sounds like you could stop this affair in it's tracks before anything happens, and work on your marriage. It's hard to resist temptation but it's the right thing to do.

Abitwobblynow · 06/09/2012 15:06

Why is your marriage on the rocks?

Do yourself a huge favour. Buy a book called NOT 'Just' Friends, by Shirley Glass.

She will describe what you are doing so precisely it will be like goose bumps. You are describing the slippery slope, where you just want a little bit more of the feel good, the knowing someone admires you and wants you, you think you will be able to stop any time, and you just do not notice that the grass is wet and goes one way and it is getting harder to pull back each time.

Talk to your H, and tell him you are getting too close to an old flame. See what his reaction is. He might tell you he has already cheated. He might shrug his shoulders and go so what. Or he might suprise you with his jealousy and hurt - and that is what you take forward to sort things out.

I cannot begin to tell you what a mistake affairs are. They hurt EVERYBODY and you feel pretty bad and ashamed to be involved. Don't believe me? Have a look at that Rupert bloke who cheated on Liberty Ross. He has lost about 15kg in a few weeks, as he realises too late what he has destroyed and thrown away. Kristen Stewart daren't come on the red carpet.
All of it 100% deserved, 100% regretted and 100% too late. What is done cannot be undone.

'Infidelity: the sacrifice of so much, for so little' [Frank Pittman]

And what about this Prince? Is he in a relationship? Has he got children? Who do you think he will throw under a bus WHEN he gets found out? You? Or his family? That is the awful time in a full 97% of the time when 'the other woman' finds out she got used.

You have paused, and asked us, so hopefully you will catch a wakeup. Turn away from the addiction! Go to counselling over your own marriage!

InappropriateCrushes · 06/09/2012 15:10

Just wanted to show support OP, as I'm sure you won't get much on here.

I understand where you're coming from. Yes, in a perfect world, one relationship would end before another commenced, but......there is no such thing as a perfect world. It is not always black or white, eh?

We are not stupid, of course affairs hurt those concerned, but they are much, much more common than people like to think.

You will get very, very few females posting about this, as they know they will be slated.

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