having an affair.....sort of....

[jenny99]

Hi.....I'm not sure this is in the right section, but it is headed relationships. I'm new here, maybe I just haven't read far enough back.

I've seen a few posts about the men having an affair. Are any of the ladies? I know it is wrong.....but sometimes we somehow fall into these situations. I haven't physically had an affair as the person I am 'carrying on with' is abroad. It is an old boyfriend, and I haven't seen him yet, but I know from the exchanges we've had over the last few months that it will turn into a full blown affair.

I can't explain how all the old feelings have come back. My marriage (13yrs) has been very on the rocks for a couple of years.

Just wondering what experiences others have had.

:S

Jenny I also meant to add, that for the next 2 months, while you at giving all to your marriage, you go realise this means you cannot have contact with other man don't you??

If you have contact with him, you are automatically not giving 100% to your marriage and DH.

Is this feasible for you to abstain from contact? Honestly??

We have been to Relate which didn't help, but I think it would do me good to go on my own and try and sort out what is going on in my head. I know about the contact bit with OM and I am really going to try. He is very busy for work at the moment so we are having less contact at the moment so actually it will be easy for me to back off for a bit. And IF we are meant to be together we will be. I have told him I am finding it so hard how it is that sometime I think we should just have no contact till I see him anyway so I will have to say that again and just see what happens.....

I guess all I can say is I hope everything works out for you, and there are no casualties. Two things to think about though 1. So long as you have a fairy tale notion of a knight in shining armour coming to fight for you, your marriage is doomed. Poor old ever present DH can't compete with that. 2. You do know what 'very busy at work' is code for don't you? Avoidance....

Avoidance! [nods head]

If you are really going to give your all to your marriage, you need to cancel the plans to see the former friend. If you don't, all you've done is give your marriage an artificial probationary period in a way which is set up to fail.

Have been lurking but your last couple of posts worry me a bit

You can't honestly make any real 'go' of your marriage if there is an invisible stopwatch counting down 2 months. There will be good weeks and bad weeks and 2 months is far too soon for you to judge whether your combined efforts are going to save your marriage. As things stand your 'red letter day' could just as easily fall on a day when you feel positive or negative about your marriage. It is also completely unfair to your DH to not be aware of all the elements in play. I am not suggesting that you have to tell him where your head is at right now (although this might be a way to move forward) but you have to stop thinking

"two months"
"my knight in shining armour is coming"
"if it's meant to be it will be"

These are all thoughts which will hold you back from any real chance of making your marriage work. If you are going to try to give things a last throw of the dice with DH, you have to tell OM that you are stepping away from the whole situation. If in a year or whatever, you decide your marriage can't be saved then, well, like you said "if it's mean to be it will be"

Anything less than this is not a commitment to making your marriage work and is unfair on your DH, your DC and you - it is a waste of everyone's time.

I wish you luck

X-Posted with Edith (who put it much more succinctly)

I think SlightlyJaded described it much better than I did!

You cannot give your marriage a fair chance if the timetable is dictated by another man.

You are deluded.
Give your husband the opportunity to be with someone who loves him and walk away.

So you carry on with DH for a couple more months as if you're doing him a favour, thats 2 months he could have to get over you leaving him and possibly find another woman.
You're making sure you have another bed to jump straight into, is that correct?
Are you afraid to be alone?
And what if knight in shining armour thinks 'thats how she treated DH of so many years, what is she going to do with me?'

I have a male friend who i clung onto for years in the hope he would eventually stop and think 'things has always been there for me, and we get on well, i should get into a relationship with her instead of lurching from bad relationship to bad relationship'
I counselled him the rough the end of relationships with OW, i hoped it would be me next, secretly, i thought in my daydreams of how i could tell DP to get lost, but bit by bit the shine got tarnished, finally being crushed when he suspected he had gotten his latest squeeze pregnant, and they fell out, he expected me to pick up for him and contact her telling her how wonderful he was. That hurt me badly, its like being passed over for promotion type of feeling lol

I realised eventually i was being taken for a prick.. he got interested in one of my friends after meeting her while visiting me, he treated me awfully in some screwed up effort to make her think he was only interested in her.
So i stamped on his little flame out of annoyance and told her all of his past. Bastard trick of me i know, but she ran for the hills, and he was with someone else a week later.
I am not friends any longer with mr user toxic wanker whatever else he deserves to be called, and i can't believe i spent much of my time thinking he was a knight in shining armour when really he was dogshit in a paper bag.

I think you will muddle along with DH then drop him like a stone when OM comes along, then find out that OM was fantastic on paper but living with him isn't different. They all fart burp and leave washing lying around for you to pick up.

You want romance.. a romantic notion. Well fucking get a babysitter and go out with DH again as a couple, get to know each other as 'me and you' not 'mom and dad' .. Life isn't a bed of roses and that nice greener grass you're looking at over the other side of the fence is basically only greener because there's been more shit spread on it. Ignore it and water your own garden FFS sorry if i sound arsey btw :)