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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

having an affair.....sort of....

110 replies

jenny99 · 06/09/2012 13:35

Hi.....I'm not sure this is in the right section, but it is headed relationships. I'm new here, maybe I just haven't read far enough back.

I've seen a few posts about the men having an affair. Are any of the ladies? I know it is wrong.....but sometimes we somehow fall into these situations. I haven't physically had an affair as the person I am 'carrying on with' is abroad. It is an old boyfriend, and I haven't seen him yet, but I know from the exchanges we've had over the last few months that it will turn into a full blown affair.

I can't explain how all the old feelings have come back. My marriage (13yrs) has been very on the rocks for a couple of years.

Just wondering what experiences others have had.

:S

OP posts:
InappropriateCrushes · 06/09/2012 15:12

Good advice AbitWobbly (and non-judgemental).

Kewcumber · 06/09/2012 16:53

I'm sure they are very common Inappropriate, I have been in one myself. Don't think I either wanted or expected any "support" from anyone Hmm I knew it was wrong and the only defence I have is that I was a) very young and b) not in a relationship myself so I was not the one doing the cheating.

I don't think I've "slated" the OP - I have said I don't understand why if you are in a relationship that isn't working why you don't resolve that first before shagging someone. Relationship break up is painful enough without adding long-running deceit into the picture.

I have been the woman waiting to see if the man will leave his wife (no children) and it was very painful for all of us when he didn't. His marriage subsequently failed (no big surprise there) so it was needless and pointless pain for all of us. How much better it would have been for him to sort his marriage out (for better or worse) before moving in on me (or not if I was just a symptom of his marriage problems). The pain really, really wasn't worth the few months of sex we had. Twenty years on, I can barely remember the sex now but the big pile of pain and mess it caused still stings.

Sassybeast · 06/09/2012 17:01

In answer to your question, no you're not the only shallow, deceitful, cowardly lying spouse who puts their own selfish needs way above those of their spouse and children.

HTH.

Bucharest · 06/09/2012 17:56

I'm not going to slate you.

Are you actually intending to meet up with this person again? In real life? How long ago is it that you actually saw him in the flesh (as it were)

Do you think your marriage is on the rocks because of this newly-found-ex?

If your marriage is on the rocks and you don't want to continue with it, then I don't see why you should. But if the potential of this other person wasn't there, would you want to save it?

jadebond007 · 06/09/2012 19:02

No you aren't the only one, of course.

But I have to say, be very, very careful op. I've been down the road you're on and I suffered horribly in the end. And the only thought I had in my head was you deserve this this was all your fault.

It won't be a fairy story. It will be a horror story. Be careful.

2girls2dogs · 06/09/2012 19:07

hmmmm

2girls2dogs · 06/09/2012 19:08

"im thinking of having an affair, ive not done anything yet, what are your experieces of this"

I don't know, i can't help but have thoughts of "Take a break"

JeuxDEnfants · 06/09/2012 19:09

If you want to leave your husband, I would do it aside from this other man. What happens if you throw your marriage away and then realise this other man is not what you thought. Could it just be lust or a side effect of the problems within your marriage? How do you think an affair will make your life better?

Abitwobblynow · 06/09/2012 19:34

"Twenty years on, I can barely remember the sex now but the big pile of pain and mess it caused still stings."

Really, really beautifully put. My H now says 'I can barely remember f king that woman'. But everytime he looks in my eyes he sees deep lack of respect, pain and mistrust. His kids also keep him at arm's length.

He says it was the biggest mistake he has made in his whole life. But, you know what? It's done. It will never go away. I now see him for the selfish, devalueing unwhole person he is. I am not interested in anything he has to say (because none of it is honest, and none of it looks in the mirror), I don't care whose open vagina his cock accidentally falls into (as you know, it just happened), now I focus on me.
I am very angry that my whole life was thrown away, for 'it meant nothing'. And the person I feel fellowship with is OW, because she got totally screwed. She got lied to, humiliated and dumped. Just as I was. Because a selfish, immature unformed person was having a temper tantrum like a two year old because he was bored and disenchanted and it was time for HIM to be happy. He treated two people like objects, there for his benefit.

(Proper solution: grow the fuck up and take responsibility)

Affairs are just horrible, so destructive, please don't go there, I am warning you.

gimmecakeandcandy · 06/09/2012 19:47

What are you looking for here? Fellow cheaters who will say they 'understand' or/and do you want approval for this?

If you want to be with the other guy, leave your husband. Dont fuck about behind his back and give him no choice in this. Don't do that to him.

Abitwobblynow · 06/09/2012 22:34

Jenny I didn't write that to get at you, just to try and describe what it is really like, to put you off going there.

Not to be judgemental, but 'this' like drug addiction - is an area that the horror only becomes apparent after you are deep in it?

Good luck, look after yourself. Maybe you could come back and talk about your H/your marriage, try and express what it is you are unhappy with? We aren't all flamers, really!

BabylonPI · 06/09/2012 23:20

Abitwobblynow I wish I'd had your advice almost 5 years ago Sad

I did same as op, and I too kidded myself that it just happened and I "fell into it" - biggest load of tosh out there Sad

I plotted, planned, was secretive and sly and all to get laid with someone who I thought was better than my DH Sad

He wasn't better not by a long chalk, and the only thing I feel now in regards to that chapter of my life is disgust Sad

I broke my DHs heart, and 5 years later we're not even close to it being mended. In fact I'm lucky I have him at all.

5 years of relate counselling (periodically) and we get a little bit stronger every day, but it's going to be a very long time before the trust is mended - if ever.

OP - walk away now, while you've still got a marriage left to salvage. Sad

Asamumnonsense · 06/09/2012 23:21

You seem very casual about this..
My marriage was on the rocks for years too and I had an ex lurking around and I was very tempted to give in but I didn't. Once you go there, well you're already there by the sound of it, there is no going back. Crossing the line means you have decided to emotionally end your marriage. Like others have said, you are best to talk to your husband about how you feel and let him decide too.
I am now in a better place with my husband and it feels amazing that I didn't give in and cheated on him.

Ormiriathomimus · 07/09/2012 04:40

Well why don't you just stop? It doesn't have to become a full-blown affair - it's not some immutable natural law that says 'I fancy X therefore sex is inevitable' (amo ergo fuck?). Him being abroad is a perfect opportunity to distance yourself. Marriages on the rocks can be steered off the rocks or left for the wreckers - is fix it or leave it. This halfway house thing is disrespectful to your dh and your marriage.

Ormiriathomimus · 07/09/2012 04:48

And of course you aren't. Dh's ow was for a start. All the other ow's have a good chance of being in the same position as you. Look on any relationship website and you'll meet thousands. I was in a very intense EA many years ago which ended in flames because he wanted way more than I did but it took me years to get my head clear of him and the mess he left.

Yes women have affairs. So what? Makes no difference to whether it's the right or wrong thing fir you to do.

cupcake78 · 07/09/2012 06:41

I became frighteningly close to it. The blinkers were on till one day realisation hit me and it hit me hard.

I enjoyed the attention, the escapism and the excitement. Till the absolute horror hit me that I was just going with it and actually enjoying itSad. It seemed exciting.

I stopped it the minute I realised how close I was to wrecking everything for a few moments of selfishness. I have had no contact with the person since.

I have told my dh how close I came to it and have spent the last 6mths in counselling realising why I did what I did. Dh and I started date nights, talking more and doing more things as a family. we are now thinking about our future together and its just lovelyGrin

Stop it nowAngry. Stop talking to this person and see what you miss. That's the bit of your marriage you need to address. If you cant then walk away and then have fun. Don't do itAngry

cupcake78 · 07/09/2012 06:43

I'd also like to point out that nothing physical happened but emotionally I was getting very wrapped up in it Sad

Original poster
jenny99 · 07/09/2012 07:43

Thank you for all the useful advice ....lots of food for thought. Not so sure about the unhelpful hurtful comments but yes I guess I deserve them.

I have asked oh for a separation but he refuses to move out saying that he isn't the one who is unhappy and therefore I should. As a sahm I say that I won't leave the kids.

I know I should walk away from the other one but I have always regretted not marrying him all those years ago...it was a complicated situation that I won't go into. But I won't walk away again. Therefore I must now end my marriage.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2012 08:01

You need to properly end one relationship before embarking on another. Also old bf is likely not right for you either in the cold light of day; he is your fantasy escape from a bad situation at home.

I was not totally surprised to read that your own marriage is not at all good.

However, what are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to them, is this really a good relationship model for them to be looking up to?.

An affair with an ex won't solve your problems but instead multiply them a million fold. Your children won't think much of you for having an affair either once it all comes out which it inevitably will.

Someone needs to be a grown up here and end your miserable marriage. Your H refusing to move out is a common tactic used as well.

HaveringGold · 07/09/2012 08:03

To be honest if your marriage is at the stage of asking for a separation then yes you should get on with that. Get a lawyer, deal with the fall out - by the sounds of it your OH will be distraught, and there are kids involved, we don't know if the OM has a family. Lets be honest it will be pretty awful.
Once you've dealt with all that crap then if you and the OM are meant to be then you'll be. If you feel so strongly about him - and he does about you - then the time it takes to get your life in order will be irrelevant.
With an Ex I've been where you are (minus the kids) - we split up but in that process I realised that the OM was a mythical creature and the reality of him wasn't actually what I wanted.
So if you are going to create this almighty stink please do it as cleanly and as honestly as you can - its not fair on you, your OH, OM your kids and your family and friends to do this for a mythical future relationship. Do it because you and your OH are over

Feckbox · 07/09/2012 09:10

Did you decide you wanted a separation before of after getting back in touch with old flame? I am not slating you if the truth is that it was only after OF reconnected you realised your marriage was completely without hope. I get that.

But please be careful your judgement is not being clouded by OF.

in answer to your original query, yes, lots.

Good luck and don't lose your head

Original poster
jenny99 · 07/09/2012 09:22

This time last year I was unhappy. I asked oh if we could have counselling. He buried his head in the sand and said it isn't that bad. I was really not happy. Nothing like abuse etc just falling out of love...fed up, feel unappreciated etc. I said that in September. Nothing changed. In December I contacted the OM. Since then obviously things got worse with OH. Started counselling in may. Didn help anything really.

Totally I am being clouded but at the same time I wasn't happy already. :(

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 07/09/2012 09:25

Your husband is absolutely right. You want to end the marriage yet you want HIM to move out ? You can't have it both ways. Find yourself somewhere to live, arrange to see your children on a regular basis and stop being so bloody selfish.

Original poster
jenny99 · 07/09/2012 09:28

He goes to work at 6am and comes home at 9pm. I need to be there to look after the kids. Take to school etc.

OP posts:
HaveringGold · 07/09/2012 09:37

So then the option is you leave and take the kids - ask yourself is the potential upheaval of the kids balanced out by the need to separate? In the long term if you separate the house will probably have to be sold to allow you to both have suitable homes for the kids.
If you are so unhappy that its worth the upheaval then start making plans, and move out.
But this has to be able you and your family - the OM may or mnay not be about by the time it all pans out but that shouldnt be the reason for all the change.
If its only about the OM then ask yourself is he worth the upheaval of you and the kids?