having an affair.....sort of....

[jenny99]

Hi.....I'm not sure this is in the right section, but it is headed relationships. I'm new here, maybe I just haven't read far enough back.

I've seen a few posts about the men having an affair. Are any of the ladies? I know it is wrong.....but sometimes we somehow fall into these situations. I haven't physically had an affair as the person I am 'carrying on with' is abroad. It is an old boyfriend, and I haven't seen him yet, but I know from the exchanges we've had over the last few months that it will turn into a full blown affair.

I can't explain how all the old feelings have come back. My marriage (13yrs) has been very on the rocks for a couple of years.

Just wondering what experiences others have had.

:S

I actually think you are getting a hard time given that you haven't had an affair yet. As long as you don't cheat but properly end your marriage first then you are ok. Both my H and I had kind of exit affairs and even though we were on the way out we still both hurt each other massively. It's not a chapter I'm proud of and it was a cowardly and innefective way to end a marriage (as when he found out I felt so guilty and thought I wanted him back, so we strung the whole thing along for far longer than we should have)
I also don't agree that just because you instigate the split you should move out and leave your children. That is illogical and wouldn't be in their best interests. You may have to work out how you can live elsewhere with your children however, rather than expect him to move out and leave you the house.

I don't think you do 'understand all the implications' - at least I hope you don't actually as that doesn't reflect so well on you.

Maybe is it just that you have no emotional space to be emotional about it on here? That you are seeming detached because that's how you are dealing with it?

OP, I think you need to wake up to the fact that you are a fool if you believe that this OM will come back and you will both have a fairytale romance and will love one another always .

Getting back with an ex very very rarely works , there's a reason you split in the first place so why wouldn't that happen again ?

Also , throw into the mix your children , how will they feel ? How will he treat them ?

I'm no psychic but if I were , I would predict that if you do what you intend to then you will bitterly regret it

Hard to not reply again....

I have actually wanted to move for 10 yrs. I think that is part of the problem. He doesn't want to. (not for financial reasons).

I don't want this house. I just want to stay with my kids who I have cared for, taken to school every day of their lives, watched every football match, made every meal for, and tucked up every night.

And thank you for recognising that I have not yet actually had an affair.

I came close to it. I could very easily have conducted an affair and stbxh would have had no idea. But I did the right thing and ended a marriage I knew was dead in ther water. There was no saving it, I had no respect or love left for stbxh and hadn't for a good couple of years. What the potential affair did make me face up to was the fact my marriage was over even though I was still in it. If I hadn't taken things up with the OM it would have happened again, in however many months/years down the line. So I left and after a while I did start a relationship with the OM. It didn't work out, he treated me like dirt in the end but I still don't regret ending my marriage.

I think you need to cut contact with OM and work out what you really want. If your marriage is over, end it. You can't have your cake and eat it. Have some respect for yourself.

Hi Abit can't remember if I was using this name or another when we've shared threads about this before. OP listen to abit because everything in the post above is harsh but true. It is not a healthy road you're starting on, believe me. Look at your marriage, check what is left to risk. If its not a lot, leave, but don't do this. It is dangerous.

Hey Jenny. I commented earlier. I just wanted to say, you don't sound like a bad person to me. I know how you're feeling right now. I remember it well. When I say to tread carefully, I mean it in the nicest way.

Try not to make any big decisions straightaway. Not while your emotions are so strong. Take time to think about everything logically.

Take care of yourself xx

jenny - sorry this is so long but I hope it might help.

I have come to a sort of clarity and understanding of myself due to DH's affair. There was a lot of resentment between us for various reasons in our shared past. We have been together for 26 years (married for 20 this October). In that time a lot of water has passed under the bridge - some of it very troubled indeed. It left it's mark but neither of us had the courage and honesty to address this.

Many years ago I had what amounted to an emotional affair with someone at work - he was everything that DH wasn't. But he blew it when after nothing but a bit of hand-holding, some very intense conversation and a lot of staring into each other's eyes , he told me he loved me more than anyone he had ever met, was going to leave his gf and wanted me to leave DH. I ran like a scalded cat and never went near him again - I left that job as soon as I could get another one. DH never found out (until recently) but my memory of it hung between us like a bad smell. It took me a while to get over the OM and I used to retreat into my memories of him when things with DH got stale and boring. How could DH compete with my wonderful fantasy man?

Our marriage has been stable and strong in a practical sense but not passionate or loving in the way that most people would think of it. It was a sort of living death emotionally.

I suffer from depression. Have done on and off since my teens, worse since my second child was born. It has made me less able to conduct a healthy relationship. I have sought medical help but it has been of limited use. DH has been sympathetic but it's taken it's toll. We reached a nadir over the alst few years when we hardly communicated at all. It wasn't my fault but neither was it his. Life happened to us and we didn't know how to handle it.

DH began to develop an overly close emotional connection to a woman at work - she was looking for support in her horrible marriage. She was attracted to him as an older man who seemed the opposite of what she had known. He was vulnerable to this as a man in MLC with a cold ailing marriage. This does not make it OK. THey were both guilty of huge selfishness and the fallout has been immense. DH can't forgive himself, I have had to deal with so much pain and i daresay the OW is in a mess too.

BUT.... and this is important, the affair has acted like a sort of kick up the arse to both of us. We are good people who love each other a great deal. We have had to be painfully honest and there have been many tears shed. I have learned that I don't want to be with anyone else, and so has he. I have also learned that happiness isn't hard - it can come from anywhere, but it can't come from another person. Looking to DH (or to anyone else) to make me happy is absurd.

Tell your DH what has been going on. Let him react in his way. He may surprise you by how much he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. You might find that in fact you love him much more than you thought and don't want to lose him either. Honesty!! Be honest and open. That is the only course that makes sense. If it all falls apart, then leave. Be happy that you have tried to make it work and had the decency to give him honesty.

If you spent even a 10th of the energy that you are spending thinking about and communicating with the grass is greener man of your affections on your marriage you would be in a very different place.

If your marriage is over, afford your DH the respect he deserves after spending 13 years by your side and leave, before you start and affair, emotional or otherwise.

If you want to totally destroy your DH, make him feel sick to the stomach, worthless, rejected, humiliated, and the rest - cheat on him. Then look at yourself in the mirror and try and live with the pain you have caused your DH and your children.

My DH of 13 years did this to me. I will never really recover from the hurt. Had he come to me, explained he was unhappy and wanted out, before cheating, I would have respected that and stepped aside. I was happy to step aside afterwards as at the end of the day if you love someone you let them go. I wish he hadn't put me through the absolute pain of infidelity though. It was so very cruel. I could never be that cruel myself and I do not understand those who can.

Thank you for the last few replies. I have been thinking a lot the last few days.

Tred again last night to ask for a separation. He just won't hear of it and keeps saying we can't do that and must work on our marriage. Not in a possessive way or abusive etc just a husband very much still in love.

I realise I need to end my marriage before embarking on something else but tbh am finding it hard a he just won't see it. Any suggestions. I don't want to force him?! Why is it that altho I know it's over it is so hard to say it? I told him last night I don't fancy him, I don't enjoy time in his company, etc (tried to say it in as kind a way possible). It's not like I'm trying to string him along that there's hope. I told him that I don't want to be with him. He still says we should try.

When he says you should try you must just repeat that you do not want to try. Broken record technique. Repeat it until it sinks in.

Tell him about the almost-affair Jenny. That will help beleive me!

Am seriously considering telling him. If I tell him surely there are two possible outcomes....he understands and says we will get through it if I break contact with him which I think he would be reasonable to ask. Or he blows. I think the first is more likely. The problem is, where I am and how I am feeling, altho terrible, I know, I don't want to break contact. I think it highly unlikely he says....ok, this is shit, but go see him and sort your head out then come and tell me how you feel. Therefore, altho I want to be as honest as I can, I selfishly can't see the point. I can't even get out of bed or stop crying right now and I know I have brought it upon myself and is very very wrong.

At least you know it's not good and your trying to go something about it!

If you tell him you can never take it back and he is very unlikely to say anything other than its him or me etc. do you really need to bring in the om?

Just keep telling him your not happy in your marriage, something is missing and he's not able to fix it. Basically that's what has happened. I'm not convinced many men see EA the same way as women do.

Sorry wrong thread op

OFGS get a grip. What do you want, sympathy? Either grow a pair and leave, or give him up and stay. I really can't stand the way that those looking outside their marriage always think life is so very tough for them, and feel so sorry for themselves. Stop crying, and make your choice, and live with it. Stringing two people alone is wrong. Just plain wrong.

I'm being harsh, which is a bit mean, but I think you need to hear it.

Harsh is ok. I want out my marriage. I am trying to not string him along. Have asked to separate.

Don't tell him about the 'affair' - it's needless and cruel. You have the right to end the relationship for no reason other than that you want to. Just be firm and kind as possible, but don't enter into long discussions in which he tries to 'persuade' you. You can and should give him reasons and explanations but you don't need to try to persuade him to your way of thinking. You won't succeed.

If you are ending this marriage purely because you want a long term relationship with this OM, then you need to consider the fact that things might not work out with OM and you will be alone. It's easier to walk away from a marriage when you think you have someone else there, not so easy facing up to the real possibility you will be alone and without either men.

Don't forget that you've made up your mind and have had a long time to think about it and accept the 'inevitable'

He hasn't and is of course going to struggle to come to terms with it especially if he was unaware that anything was wrong

You've had some really good advice on this thread. I'd read and re read it and take from it what you feel you need to.

Hope you're happy with whatever decision you end up making

Well I hope it works out how you want it to Jenny but be prepared that it probably won't.

I just hope this man you are throwing everything away for comes even half way close to the fantasy image you have built of him in your head.

Mine didn't, he was waaaaay off the mark, not even a patch on DH, and 5 years later I'm still "making up" for my stupidity

You know how the old saying goes "you made your bed, you lie in it"
I hope your new bed is comfy, but I think we all know, as do you deep down, that it won't be.

Wow. I am overwhelmed by the responses here. Thank you all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have been thinking non stop.

In my crazy mind I truly feel that I would have left my OH at any stage in the last however many years however our marriage was at the time (good, bad, fab) if OM had turned up.

So, I have 2 months till I am due to see him. I need to concentrate on my marriage and get help. I need to put that first for me, my OH and my children.

If me and the OM are meant to be then if I care like I say I do and if he steps up to the mark and really does turn up etc etc then actually it won't matter how my marriage is. But if the fairy story turns to a horror story I wreck everyones lives involved.

So for 2 months now I will give it all to my marriage.

I don't mean that to sound unemotional or harsh, that's just how I write. But I have decided to try and work on my marriage first.

I owe that to the good man who is right now fighting for me and dying inside.

I may not right now believe he is my soulmate but we have built a life together.

And if as my crazy mind still thinks (hopes) that the knight in shining armour is coming, then let him come and fight for me. I will put my family first.

Your support has really helped.

Thank you
Jen x

I think you are doing the right thing Jenny, but I would suggest some couples counselling too.

There Is obviously something lacking for you to have felt this connection to OM - but please do the right thing and don't string DH along - however/whatever you're feeling, he doesn't deserve that