having an affair.....sort of....

[jenny99]

Hi.....I'm not sure this is in the right section, but it is headed relationships. I'm new here, maybe I just haven't read far enough back.

I've seen a few posts about the men having an affair. Are any of the ladies? I know it is wrong.....but sometimes we somehow fall into these situations. I haven't physically had an affair as the person I am 'carrying on with' is abroad. It is an old boyfriend, and I haven't seen him yet, but I know from the exchanges we've had over the last few months that it will turn into a full blown affair.

I can't explain how all the old feelings have come back. My marriage (13yrs) has been very on the rocks for a couple of years.

Just wondering what experiences others have had.

:S

it's not your fault if you don't love your oh anymore,but this o.f thing, it's insane! you haven't even seen him yet?! how long's it been? i regret not marrying him all those years ago it's easy to say, oh he was the one, you haven't been with him through real life shit for 13 years, kids mortgages, you only had your single fun time with him. you sound deluded and immature, think of your children ffs. get your marriage sorted one way or another, get your life together, and then meet this om for the first time in years and take it slow.

Jenny, hon, welcome to that awful Club of Neglect that nobody wants to join.

What is happening is that you are stating you are unhappy, and he is choosing to stay in denial. If he doesn't think about it, it will ALL go away.

The solution: ask him to attend counselling with you. [When] he refuses, you say to him 'I am unhappy, and I am going to go'. And then GO. This, apparently, is the one thing that knocks through a man's denial more than anything.

So don't react (separate). Have a long term plan. Counselling, so you can identify exactly what it is that you are unhappy about, and what you want, giving him the time to overcome his denial, and then long term planning (training, getting back to work, accumulating money) for you. Be smart!

This process takes about 3-4 years. In my opinion it is the most responsible, honourable, integrity-filled thing you can do: learning yourself, who you are, and that you CAN like and live with yourself no matter what other people around you are doing.

I call it 'me' work

'Your husband is absolutely right. You want to end the marriage yet you want HIM to move out ? You can't have it both ways. Find yourself somewhere to live, arrange to see your children on a regular basis and stop being so bloody selfish'. - ridiculous advice, Sassy. Are you saying that just because she is SAHM she adds NO VALUE to the marital unit????

Come and say that to my highly educated face. My H could not be where he is now, without me. He has admitted that, which entitles me to 50% of EVERYTHING for the rest of his life.

Jenny, I knew you were that lonely person: the married single mother. Heres an unmumsnetty hug. But PLEASE don't succumb to the preditor!

predator, even.

OP, I'm keeping out of the affair side of things but have you thought about other aspects of your life that you could work on to make yourself feel more fulfilled in general? Assuming your children are of school age, could you now look to get back into work or re-train? Do you have a good social life with friends and family? Evening classes, nights outs, pub quiz team, whatever you're into?

Of course none of this will change your dilemma but it will give you focus and prepare you for a single life (with financial independence) if you decide to separate.

'Sassy. Are you saying that just because she is SAHM she adds NO VALUE to the marital unit????

Come and say that to my highly educated face'

How totally bizarre. WHERE on earth did you get that from? No. What I'm saying is that if she chooses to fuck another man, she needs to move out of the house rather than assuming her husband should be the one to go.
And not sure how someone with as highly educated a face as you claim to have manages to miss my very basic point so fundamentally. If the OP choses to go down this road, the house, the lifestyle that she and her husband have BOTH created goes, the relationship that she currently has with her children changes, the friends they share will change, the wider family circle becomes involved.
And how depressing that you yourself are in a relationship that you describe in terms of what you 'get' out of it financially when it all goes tits up.

'Wonders what a highly educated face looks like'
'Imagines it to be a bit cats bum like'

"Come and say that to my highly educated face. My H could not be where he is now, without me. He has admitted that, which entitles me to 50% of EVERYTHING for the rest of his life. "

That is one of the strangest and most misinformed things I have ever read on mumsnet and you are in for a very big shock if you ever divorce, unless you don't live in the UK and divorce laws where you live are very different.

I don't think the fact that she is a SAHM is relevant as to who moves out. I ended my marriage, I moved out, ten years later my ex-husband still lives in the marital home and I bought a new place after renting for a couple of years. (I work, if that's relevant.)

To put it another way, if a husband says he is ending the marriage and he is staying put and wants the wife to move out, would that be OK?

I'm not with sympathy for your position, really I'm not. Maybe the OM is a keeper and your marriage is dead.

But I'm pretty certain that very very often starting an affair before ending a previous relationship taints the new relationship forever. You also step over a line that can't ever be redrawn. Once you have cheated its always (in my experience) easier to cheat again - the taboo is broken.

Find to way to deal with the current mess you are in before adding more chaos to the mix. Go see a solicitor and separate. If you have to live with him until the house is sold so be it. But sort it out.

Then breathe.

Then think about another relationship if its still what you want.

So let me get this straight.

You are unhappy in your life. You are bored, dont work, you look after kids while your husband is out working.

He works long hours, is rarely home. He does not address your unhappyness, how can he, he is hardly there.

So you go look up an old flame and start working on that relationship rather than finding fulfillment in yourself and your marriage.

Next step is to ask your husband to leave?

Are you deluded? Or just totally out of touch with reality?

If you want to replace your husband with a former boyfriend you have not seen for years, and you suddenly regret not marrying, then you leave! You dont ask your husband to move out so the next can move in!

Find a job, find a flat, and start dating your new man.

Well said QS.

OP... if you want to speak to other women having affairs this isn't the right site. Try www.gloryb.com.

Feckbox: Parlour v Parlour.

Sometimes, MN is just fucking horrible. You REALLY do not have to make your points with the words 'deluded, selfish, etc etc'.

These are ATTACKS and DEVALUING, not advice.

For a fleet little rewarding moment of smug superiority, you really hurt someone who is vulnerable and asking for help. How inhumane.

Do you know what the word for that is? Bullying. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

And, for those quoting the law, who do you think has the more right to the home: the SAHM of ?3 is it?, living there 24/7, or the H who has more economic choices?

Some people really shouldn't post at all [shakes head]. Bullies!

Jenny, if you are still here - and if you have any sense you won't be - PM me. Don't be the dustbin for these people's projection.

hi, i am the wife in "over reacting" thread.
please please, if you want an affair, leave your husband. seperating is forgivable. ripping his heart out, and humilitaing him with an affair just isnt dont do it. if after 13 years you are not happy, do him and you a favour and end it. x

Thank you abitwobblynow.....how do I DM? Am new here....hence the mistake in my posting this thinking people could keep nasty thoughts to themselves. I know what I'm doing is terrible. It's tearing me apart. Yes obviously that leaves me open to more abuse...anyway, please DM me :)

Not tearing you apart quite enough to stop you from keeping your legs apart though OP eh ?

Your post proves that you are every bit as selfish and deluded as you appear. Good luck with getting advice from like minded individuals. In the meantime, have a read of the dozens of threads on this board about the devastation that affairs cause. Then look at lone parents and step parenting. and get a taste of the future that you are choosing for your family. And when you are seeing your kids for only part of their lives, remind yourself that you ignored the brutal truth.

Wobbly - don't encourage the op to think she will get 50%. That really depends on a lot of factors. In parlour v parlour the wife was a SAHM yes but she had given up her career to do it, at the time she did it she was earning the same or more than her husband and this is a very big factor in the decision. Each case is heard on it's merits and the op needs proper legal advice about her position.

Op - I don't think you really can have mooned over OM for your whole marriage otherwise you wouldn't have stayed married so long or had 3 children with your husband. People are correct to point out you don't "fall into" an affair. You are the one in control of this situation. I think if you care about your children, even if things are going wrong with your husband, you owe it to them to treat him with respect and that means being open and honest about how you feel about him and the realisation you have had about OM.

OP I think it was the rather casual tone of your first post and the implied self-justification in the idea that lots of others must be doing it so it's not tht terrible.

You say you are new. Ok, then you you need to know that there are many people in Relationships who have been cheated on. It's a bit like childbirth really - impossible to fully understand it until you've been through it. You clearly haven't been on the receiving end. It's so much worse than it's possible to imagine.

So a seemingly casual attitude in your first post is BOUND to rub people up the wrong way.

Also as you're new - drip feeding information is generally frowned on.

FYI

I have contacted a lawyer. I am aware of my legal situation

I have kept my legs closed thus far. Read properly please. I know the road I am headed but I am not there yet.

Being called names by people who are anonymous to me is not scary. It reflects more on themselves.

I have been thinking about this an awful lot and some of the constructive advice I have been given here is very helpful, be it negative or positive. Thank you to those of you :)

Sorry. I didn't mean to drop feed information, I didn't want to make it too long winded to start with. I'm learning a lot. I didn't mean it to sound flippant. This is the most major thing that has ever happened to me and I know and understand all the implications. That is just my style of writing to try and be factual and impart information in an unbiased fashion.

If I have offended, rubbed up the wrong way, hurt, upset anyone I am very sorry. That was not my intention.

I think that is what you think you are doing Jenny but objectively you are not really writing about facts without bias. You have made several statements which are not factual but emotional in a very cold manner with an egotistical manner (that you think you are justified and rational when they aren't).

If you really care about OM and want your relationship to work out then you need to sort out your current relationship first. Things that start during a marriage and continue through a messy divorce, and by the sounds of it your divorce will be messy, rarely end up working because new relationships or relationships that are not fully established don't survive that level of stress during what is meant to be the honeymoon period.

If you are going to do this don't fool yourself into thinking your marriage has always been wrong or that OM is "the one that got away" and you will be together forever. If it is right it will wait until you have sorted out your marriage and made sure your kids and you are settled in your new life and ready for another relationship.

When there is an affair children are often the ones who get most hurt because they hurt for the parent that has been hurt and they find it hard to reconcile their feelings about the parent that did the hurting.

Sorry, but it does sound a bit "I'm a SAHM, who feels bored and under appreciated. I'd like DH to move out, keep paying for the house and kids, while I have my way with an old flame.

Abitwobbly's advice should be taken with a pinch of salt. 50% of everything forever? Nah. Oh, and disabuse yourself of the notion you will remain a SAHM.

I am obviously not coming across how I mean to. I am feeling terrible about this, incredibly emotional, crying every day.

Yes I realise I won't be a sahm.

I can't defend everything that is thrown at me therefore judgements will be made as it is hard to explain oneself fully here.

I want to separate and be on the way to divorce before I see the OM and do not wish to hurt my children obviously.

Thank you all for your thoughts.
Goodbye x