Honey traps leading to kinky fuckery and other dating adventures (No 21)

[KirstyWirsty]

I want to know what Nicholas's tip was ... and the last thread was full!

yes! never reply to men who give out email/ phone/fb/etc in the first message. they are usually just desperate and copying and pasting that message to everyone.....

sponge - you dont KNOW that he isnt interested and isnt just keeping you in reserve. you dont, you have no idea what is going on in his pea sized brain. So - take back the control.

My second internet date i ended up in bed with.... he was only in the area a short time, i text him a few hours after he had gone to say i had had fun, and would like to do it again... and for him to let me know. I thought i was being all casual... but actually, i just said ; here, heres all my power, do what you want with it' I was totally baffled why he was never in contact, i was offering the man casual sex for a few weeks, i decided i must be hideous or something. He got back in contact a few years later, saw me pop up on his MSN, didnt rememeber me, but was just like ' holy fuck, who is that stunning woman' we cahtted, he ended up being a bit full on, he didnt remember me at all but said he has no idea what he could have been thinking to pass up the chance of all that sex with me. At this point i just laughed at him, he asked to come see me and i told him that no, he had blownit, but to have a nice life. POint being that, i was stupid!!! i shouldnt have done that. i put it all in his hands and waited, passivley, like a tit.

western, you dont have to become the persurer if you take back the power. not at all. Its only about not giving all the power over to someone else. You dont have to wait to be ' picked' are you not messaging men youself?

Yoga YES, Way too much.

Yep, totally agree the dumped guy was just nursing his own bruised ego.

Phone number guy has been deleted.

And....finally have a date with Coffee Man on Thurs! Now I just have to see if he's worth it. ;)

Yes I amlooking and messaging but I don't like to suggest meeting up first etc. I am outside my comfort zone with so much of this dating stuff which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I could do with livening up a bit!

I don't believe in curses, but if I did, I'd think I was cursed never ever to see the same man more than once. Honestly I try so hard to be optimistic (it probably doesn't seem like it) but it seems like it will never change. I was reading some of my posts from 2 years or more ago and honestly it was exactly the same as I'm saying now :(

I sent date from yesterday a message saying thanks and other stuff. He wrote back saying he had a nice time and he'd like to see me again.
Lots of funny banter. I replied yes I would, and suggested a time.

I put it slightly more elegantly than that, but point is regardless of what actually happens I cannot be arsed playing it cool. I don't want to have to "win" him. I just want to be me, and if that doesn't appeak to him, that is fine.
Really, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than torture myself that I was doing something wrong. Bollocks I am.
You have to have faith in yourself Sponge I know, I really do know what low self-esteem feels like, but then I looked at my friends, the ones in long relationships with decent blokes and thought, did they have to pretend to be someone they weren't? Did they hell. They held their heads high and got the partner they deserved.

I don't know if I'll get a second meeting with him, but I'm not going to compromise myself to do it.

I have had 4 years of this though. Never seeing the same man twice in all that time. Not surprising I am the way I am really.

how about just sending a text, saying how about a dinner on wed? as he surely needs feeding up after being so ill.

Thats ok, thats giving yourself the power back. you are asking,thats fine. And you will know by what he replies.....

You need to look at it a different way.

Scatty DUKAN! five or so days of non carbs, lots of protein - then reintroduce leafy green veg carbs - eventually you end up having a bit of toast for breakfast protein lunch and maybe protein green veg for tea. On weekends I have pizza and beer (and yesterday I had a giant bit of cake. and a bottle of wine so i need to get back on it) andi go to the gym 4/5 times a week and do cardio/core or strength/core. I dont weigh myself anymore, which is liberating in itself. have a look on one of the numerous low carb threads - bootcamp is good. :)

sponge he could have been awake two hours ago, posted on fb and then had a nap. I think we're all waving pitchforks. I would jump back on whatever site you feel like and have a look around, if he texts you fine, reply but try to emotionally detach from the situation. i know it's easy to say but if this one does turn out to be a dick (and i havent quite come to the conclusion that he is yet - I'd wait for him to actually do something rather than not do something) then that's just what he is - a dick. that isn't a reflection on you.

PM cancelled on me last night - first day at new job and was away over weekend - meant to be seeing him tonight. suspect he is reducing contact, as i did when he was seeing someone last year to give the fledgling new relationship an opportunity to develop - or i could be utterly overthinking everything as usual. he's away for the rest of the week, so this is the only chance to hook up. miss him. sucks.

4 years does take its toll. I know, till mr L i was almost in the same boat, had had a few second dates, but never a third.
And you do question yourself, it is HARD to keep believing in yourself after so long.
No doubt about it.

which is why maybe i suggested the date a potato, heck, date an older potato, just so that it gets it out of the way? just so in your head you feel better? i dont know, morally not a good thing to do....but.......

but that leads to the mindset 'all i can get is a potato'. Standards in the gutter.

the one who called me a player was a potato. Look where that got me :(

I want to cry, or eat a large cake. However as I am running a training session in 5 mins, I can do neither.

Thank you all for putting up with my unrelenting misery btw. Hopefully later today he will actually dump me, I'll have a cry and then later in the week be back to my usual slightly but not quite so miserable self.

bank the cake. the cake will wait for you and you know where you are with cake! :)

Four years???
Ok I take it back, Sponge. It IS you. You need an overhaul sweetie. An attitude overhaul. Step back and start getting to grips with how fabulous you are. You are not in the right space to date, by which I mean you are attracting all the "Meh" types, because you are feeling "Meh" about yourself. We're fishing in a pretty small pool anyway I reckon, why not leave all the potatoes and dullards to it and go and lavish some time and energy on you?

meh.
urgh

i dont know sponge, i really dont know. im just drawing blanks on it all.
You know you are attractive, you get RL interest. You know all your other good qualities, so you know its not your personality.

They all ask you out again, so you cant have done anything wrong in between them leaving the date and the next day....

its just some kind of weird thing.
sorry = thats not helping at all, is it.

I dont think it's exactly a small pool MadameO, but there are a disproportionate amount of men who are just arseholes..and online dating seems to bring out the worst in them (the same could possibly be said of women who use OD?)

Sponge based on your postings here I suspect the problem may in part be that you are much too keen with these men...really they are just not worth all the time and trouble, why do you even care that some eejit doesnt want to see you again.

If someone doesnt get back in touch with me I just assume that he instinctively knows that I'm not the type to put up with his shiite, or I dont fit the profile of his preferred 'victim'

Even if I am upset I rationalise that I'm just blinded by attachment and bonding hormones/brain chemistry stuff...a few months down the line I know I'm gonna cringe and think what did I see in that man??

i dont even think its about attracting 'meh' types because she feels ' meh'

i had the same issue.... i didnt feel meh at all. im the bomb :) ( said slightly ironically) and felt and feel great about myself, and i still couldnt get anywhere.

same here, I absolutely knew I was way too good for all those tossers:O

date a potato, heck, date an older potato

That was more or less my first two dates. Maybe not complete potatos, but older and not really my cup of tea.
It was still interesting and good practice.

But I agree. Don't play games, just be you.

Personally, in this case, I'd just stop answering his texts, or send something along the lines of him having a long illness, better check with hospital/GP, and to let me know if and when he wants to meet again, but be aware that I'll be busy the next few days.
I usually say something about wanting to know the person better. Sort of non-committal in the sense that "no you haven't got me yet" but saying that there is some interest.
Not playing games. I just think it makes sense, because you can have some attraction, but one date is hardly representative of the person.

Posts this morning are really interesting. I am definitely one in the "be yourself" camp but I think that with myself at least I need to make sure I don't get too carried away too soon. My enthusiasm for my weekend guy is worrying me a lot and I don't want to lose perspective. I think this is actually being true to myself as I am essentially quite a cautious person and I don't feel right being awash with teenager-style hormones . . .

So just got yet another job rejection letter in the post - not even an interview! And it made me think, it's the same thing. I know I'm smart, organised, hard working. I know I have lots of valuable and marketable skills. I know I would be an asset to any office or company that would have me. And yet - here I am sitting around in the middle of the day painting my toes and watching The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas (as if things weren't depressing enough!).

I've been looking for months and months, applying for something new almost every day and still nothing. A few interviews here and there but certainly no "2nd dates"!

So is it me? Am I really stupider or less qualified than I think? Or maybe when I do get an interview they think I smell really bad and no one's bothered to tell me. Or maybe it's just a shitty market and I have to just keep at it and know that when I do find something they will feel extremely lucky to have me!

'be yourself' can mean different things...I mean we all present different versions of ourselves according to the situation, some people seem to interpret it as 'be open and honest' then they end up gushing too much personal info and making themselves vulnerable.

'Be true to yourself' I guess is another way of saying follow your 'gut instinct' and do what feels right and comfortable...then again lots of people are saying that online dating puts them 'out of my comfort zone' but apparently thats a good thing??

It's all kinda contradictory...innit

Well, what would feel comfortable to me would be to sit indoors messing about on the PC and watching telly with the children. However, that is not all that I want from my life and I know that as I am quite a cautious and reserved person I need to MAKE myself go out and be sociable - I always (well, almost always) enjoy it when I do it, it's just that the alternative of slobbing about at home is easier, more comfortable, nil risk (and nil gain), totally known, totall certain etc. But I know that if I live my life according to these principles I am going to be stuck in an eternal rut. So, it's a matter of balancing my cautious side with my wants-more-from-life side, which does take me out of my comfort zone, but only to an extent that I am happy with.

This is the problem with weekend guy. I am further out of my comfort zone than I feel happy with, too caught up in irrational emotions and hormones and I think I need to somehow backtrack a bit with him without cocking it all up. I want to see him all the time and jump on him and text him all the time I'm at work etc, but on the other hand I don't want to do this as it's NOT ME. Don't know how to step back from here without him thinking I don't want to continue - any advice? At the moment I am just not contacting him!

Yogagirl - it's the last thing!

yoga - im not bad at cv's and interviews..... :) I managed to get, as in from applying for, and interviewing, out of 4500 people, an job in 5 days, this was last month. I also got offered an interview for 2 other jobs i applied for, i only applied for 3.... im the bomb in interviews too. Id be happy to look over your CV for you, and pass some good tips on if you want - PM me :)

western - how much is he in contact? just reply.when he texts or whatever, there is no need to over think it at all.