Honey traps leading to kinky fuckery and other dating adventures (No 21)

[KirstyWirsty]

I want to know what Nicholas's tip was ... and the last thread was full!

Sponge. He's a cock then, isn't he.
A massive, great big cock. No, it doesn't look good, and like you.say probably lacks bottle and is hoping you get bored.
It's just that sinking feeling, and then feeling so crap :(
I don't know, I'm running out of things to say..... Just that he's a knobber. And you are not.

Yoga, did he reply?

Talk with mrl This evening.

Scum, I think re the nerves, you.just do.it. I was nervous for my first ever few dates And then it's fine :)

I keep thinking maybe I'm wrong about it, maybe I'm being too negative. Bot obviously I'm not.

Guess it doesn't matter what I do now, he's made his mind up he's not that interested, and him sending me texts with 8 xs at the end just means fuck all, I'm never going to see him again.

:( :(

Sponge, get in now, take control and dump him. Send a text saying you had a pleasant evening but you won't be pursuing this as there wasn't enough spark or something. He's a twat.

but I don't want to dump him. I want to be proved wrong about him not being interested. As if that will happen.

Sponge you caught him out in a lie. I was starting to feel a bit uneasy about him with the continued "I'm not well" shit. It just looked too much like someone who couldn't be bothered to change the record.
So. Not only a liar, but a manipulative liar who actually takes the time to lie about his health to gain sympathy and because he clearly lacks the imagination to write anything else
All in all, not worth it. He reminds me of recent ex, who completely lacks emotional honesty and will think nothing of saying "I love you" on a text whilst merrily carrying on with his life and having no room for me in it.
Please sponge, squeeze this twat out

Sponge, I'm sorry he's turning out to be a knob. From your posts it's obviously how beautiful, warm, funny and clever you are. If he's too dim to see that, he's too dim for you, Sweetheart.

I do agree. He has lied and is trying to keep you on the back burner.....
You know you aren't going to be proved wrong this time. You wouldn't want to be with someone knowing all this anyway.
So, Take control back. Dump him first. You will feel a lot better.

I have a rl situation going on right now ( which you know a little about) It's pretty horiffic. I felt totally powerless, and like it was all out of my hands, that I couldn't do anything. I went to see someone who told me I was only helpless if I chose to be. That I do have rights/ power, but I have to stand up And exercise them. That I only have no power if I hand it over, unquestionably, to someone else.
I know it's not the same situation ( far from it) but it is relevant here.
Take control, put him on the back foot.

*Obvious, obviously.

Absolutely, don't keep waiting for him to 'get better' and invite you into his world. You are SO much better than this.
Once I went out with a man who would tell me all sorts of stuff about how wonderful I was. But I would have to ask him 'when am I seeing you this week?' to which I would get the answer:' I'll let you know, I'm busy at work'. It was utterly demoralising being kept on the back burner. Eventually I dumped him by text just saying it wasn't doing anything for me and I felt so much better for taking the initiative. I not waiting for someone to be 'into me' enough to ask me out again. Stuff that!
Big health drive for me starts today after I saw unflattering pics of myself taken without me knowing. Snape, how did you lose weight? I know the theory but I need a routine.

Scumbag the best way is to get in there and go on a date before you've built up too much of a connection. I'm not a big one for texting/emailing a lot anyway and I've only been on 4 dates so far, but I found with all of them that the worrying about it was a lot worse than just getting in there and doing it!

I had been planning in my head so much to talk about on my last date to make sure I didn't get lost for words, but for the first ten minutes my hands were shaking and I could hardly say anything coherent! I'd 'used up' all my ideas within the first 5 mins, but once we both relaxed, the chatting flowed a bit more freely and by the end we were both enjoying ourselves and had lots in common.

Good luck, hope it goes well and as you're not looking for 'the one' it will be a lot less pressured than some dates anyway.

I won't feel in the slightest bit better if I dump him, I'll only feel 100 times worse.

and of course my record will remain intact, the girl utterly incapable of getting a second date with anyone. Not that anyone, least of all me, expects that to be any different.

But Sponge, if you do the dumping then you are not 'incapable if getting a second date' you have chosen not to wait around for one with a wholly inferior man.

I sent a text to someone who was messing me around saying "right, don't text me anymore, you're too unreliable. If you want to see me you know where I am."

I then spent the rest of the week thinking he might turn up on my doorstep, so was looking groomed and gorgeous at all hours just in case.

I should have left the last line off and just said "I deserve to be treated better than this" but I didn't want to sound bitter.

A simple note to say you won't be seeing him again gives you back the power, which you need for your own self-esteem as much as anything.

No. You will feel better, because you have called the shots.
Yes. The outcome is the same ( as it will be in my situation) but, you have done it your way.

This second date thing is a huge mental hurdle I think. It's holding you back Because you just want to break it. Lets come up with a plan to do so. Just to get past it?

All ive got is

1. date a potato.
2. date someone nice, but not your type, so not manual Labour- ey. Office/ suit type person.

?????
Just to get past this, I don't know, it just seems that It's become this massive thing that is holding you back. If you got past it, it would boost your confidence a lot.

But I don't have any power, I can't possibly pretend that I do. You can't dump someone who has already decided they don't want to see you again. Nothing I do now is going to get me a second date, just like every single other time. I'd be fooling myself to think otherwise.

I dont think I can get past it :( I have tried. The guy a few weeks ago - the one who called me a player - office person, not my type. Worse outcome than normal, if anything.

Sponge, sorry this is happening.

Could I offer a bit of advice? I am finding dating tough myself and have made an internal resolution to step back a bit and calm down, both with my lovely weekend man and the others I have in the pipeline (three date requests since last night ha). So, stop it with the stalking, stop it with the huge amounts of texting, maybe give yourself a maximum of ten texts a day or something, go for huge amounts of flirting but don't take them home or go back to theirs. Leave them intrigued and wanting more . . . Now I've just got to take my own advice too!!

Doingit - totally agree.
It's taking back the power. Not giving it to someone else and passivley waiting for them to decide your Fate.

It does do wonders for your self esteem too.

Maximum of 10 texts a day! Bloody hell, I think over the course of a couple of weeks I've only exchanged 10 messages in total, most of which revolve around "sorry, I can't make it that day, are you free Friday?" "no, but I can do Wednesday next week" etc.

Perhaps its all the texting that's clouding the issue and making these dates seem more important than they actually are.

Men are fragile little flowers (!) and they are easily spooked apparently. In my very limited experience, the less interested you are in them, the more they want you - its perverse and I hate playing games, but I truly believe you have to try to think like one of them, switch your emotions off, compartmentalise, don't see it as some 'big picture' that is a reflection of your worth as a person. Its just that these blokes weren't right for you. So what? Someone will be.

If you can honestly look at yourself and say you are being true to yourself, acting naturally and being honest, then that's all you can do. Keep putting yourself out there. And no-one will be judging you for your 'inability' to get a second date - for starters you don't actually have to tell anyone who you're seeing or whether you've seen them before. Secondly, if these people care or matter, they won't be in the slightest bit interested in how often some bloke wants to take you out.

Sponge, you.DO have power. You have just given it to him and cant see how you can take it back.
You can.
He hasn't dumped you, in his head he is keeping you on the back burner. He is sending Texts, you are replying being caring and lovely... So he's probably thinking that you are interested, his ego is boosted each time you reply..... He might, or might not take you out again,
Take that off him.but by you just waiting, being all nice etc... He is in the driving seat. He has all the power.

If you dump him now, then you take it back. You stop his little ego boost. You are saying ' no, this is not on, I am better than this'

Outcome is the same. But mentally its miles apart. And that's why It's worth it.

The crazy man was one date... ( who did want to see you and thought you were his girlfriend) thus proving you CAN get second dates... Just not with the ones you want, which is a totally different thing ( And, Didnt you have a date not so long ago, where he asked you out again, but you had to dump him?

You are so right. I find I am often left in a passive role - waiting to be chosen kind of thing, waiting to hear back, waiting to be texted or called, waiting for them to arrange another date - and I hate it. But I don't want to go the other way and be the pursuer. It's not me at all and I also want the bloke to show he's interested by making the effort. How bloody stereotyped!!

Hey sponge, I'm so sorry it all feels like it's going wrong again. You're probably sick of people giving you advice but I feel like I might be able to offer one more suggestion that might sit better with you...? I get that you don't want to just "dump him" but there is something to be said for taking back a little control rather than just sitting there responding to all his pleas for sympathy. How about message to the effect of - "Sorry you're still not feeling well, I'm really busy this week but get back to me when you're up for doing something." Then DON'T reply for a while - ignore him for a couple of days and see if he comes up with the good.

Alternatively you could just be really blunt and say, "So are we having that second date or not?"

You DO have power. Of course you can't make someone like you if they're not interested but you CAN choose how you let the situation play out. You can choose not to let him string you along, you can force his hand so to speak.You can choose to take control. Or you can choose to walk away. It IS up to you. You're strong, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. xx

(No reply yet from Coffee Man BTW. He says new flat and no broadband at home yet. Could be an excuse... )

He's not keeping me on the back burner, he just cant be bothered with the hassle of telling me he's not interested. Of course he isn't, men never are.

The guy I 'dumped' before a second date - what was his response 'oh it was only ever about sex anyway'. So he only wanted to see me because he thought I was up for it. Not because he liked me, or enjoyed my company.

I've not done the excessive texting with every date. I've had ones where we barely exchanged 10 in total pre date. I've had dates where we've spent the night together, others which have ended without even a kiss on the cheek. And the outcome is always, always the same :(

I don't know, maybe it's just something I can't do. Like whistling, or driving. Although I used to be able to, 5 or more years ago. Just not now :(

Ok, halfway serious suggestion here - learn to drive! I'm not entirely joking. I learned to drive when I was 16, but in the US and on an automatic car. When I moved here at the age of 27 and had to learn to drive a manual car, on the wrong side of the road I was convinced I would NEVER get the hang of it. Failed my test twice. Hated every minute of it. Even after I passed I was convinced I would never be anything other than a nuisance on the roads, it was just too many things to think about at once. For a whole year all I did was drive in a little 1 mile radius round my block with no passengers. But of course now I can drive, fairly confidently. So forget the dating for a minute and prove to yourself that you CAN do something you set your mind to. It will do wonders for your confidence....if you persevere. Plus maybe you'll get a really cute driving instructor.

Slight change of subject just for a second..can I check my twat radar: man who's opening message is "you're beautiful, let me take you out, here is my phone number" is to be ignored and deleted...yes?

The guy you dumped, sounds like a typical crappy hurt pride reaction so I'd take it with a huge pinch of salt.

So sorry this is happening. Your posts are always lovely, you're witty, switched on, empathetic and clearly a woman worth treating with love and respect. This whole thing is so horrible isn't it and I wish there was a better way.