Just had a Big Talk with dh about his drinking and other issues.

[bushymcbush]

I told him that if he chooses to continue drinking we will have to split up because I choose to no longer live my life in misery.

We've been here before and he usually makes a token effort to cut down (never stop altogether ) for a short time - a couple of weeks maybe - then reverts to drinking at least a bottle of wine by himself every night. Sometimes more.

Before some of you tell me that it's not that much and what's the problem, I should add that he does this even though we have very little money coming in right now and 2 dc to support. He really struggles to not drink. I don't want to spend time with him when he is drinking and I don't want to have sex with him when he is drinking, so it's a massive barrier to us enjoying our relationship. I no longer go back downstairs after putting the dc to bed but prefer to stay upstairs in 'my' space while he remains downstairs with his wine in front of the telly in 'his' space. That's not a marriage I can bear to be in any longer.

Other issue is his being out of work and doing almost nothing to get work. He has had some freelance stuff this month but he didn't seek it out, it came to him. We desperately need him to be earning money or we may not be able to put food on the table next month (yet he still spends minimum £50 week on booze rather than save for next month).

I suggested to him that the two things (drinking and lack of motivation / direction) might be linked but he doesn't think they are. To be fair, he has been drinking like this for 20 years (I know, I was stupid for marrying him and irresponsible for having children with him - please don't say it, it's never that simple and I can't change that now) but he had plenty of work until 2 years ago. But now the work he does has dwindled to nothing (because of the industry he is in) he just sits and waits for something to happen and complains that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. In 6 months he has applied for 3 jobs. Not bloody good enough.

So he said tonight he will 'do something about' the drinking and I suggested he needs some kind of help with that or we'll be back at square one very soon and I won't go back to square one again.

He said he wont drink tomorrow night and we'll talk again.

I'm posting this as a record for myself of what's happening because I'm determined that this time, things will get properly and permanently sorted or its the end of the road. Also, I'm posting for hand holding and support, and to ask you to kick me up the arse if I let things slide. I don't want to live like this any more and I don't want my dd's growing up with it either.

If you've read this far, thank you.

Trib - I remember you from a long while ago, I think? You're dry now? That's fantastic, well done!!

Proposition - I'm not sure if you're remembering the right person. I don't think I ever really wrote about my drinking problems before I quit, although I've been sober now for 16 months, so maybe you're thinking of posts from my early sober days?

"In 5 years - no, I don't see myself with him, to be blunt. When I read your question my first reaction was "Oh God, no." Can't explain why."

He may quit drinking, get a job, tackle his other problems and become a better partner and father. But maybe your quick reaction to that Q suggests that you think this unlikely and don't want to go through five more years of all this?

Maybe in the next week or two you could leave him to his own devices with respect to keeping to the 2-day deal and job applications, and instead spend some time and energy on finding information, support, practical things for yourself and the DC, eg you could make appts for legal advice, benefits, housing info etc. Doesn't commit you to anything.

So Bushy if your reaction is 'Oh God no' to 'do you see yourself with him in five years time'...the obvious reponse is so why waste the next five years hurtling towards the inevitable?

Yes trib I think i am - but still well done you!

Thanks Proposition. It hasn't been easy but I was extremely ill, which I have to say probably made all the difference. Most problem drinkers don't feel that ill (although they never really feel well either). It makes it possible to believe you aren't in a bad way.

'why waste the next five years hurtling towards the inevitable?'

Because right now I'm trying to undo the inevitable. Nothing is written in stone. I believe we are, to a large extent, masters of our own fates. I'm fighting for a future where my family heals and stays together (happily).

My "oh god no" reaction is based on how unhappy I have been for a long time. It's crunch time for me - I want to be happy. Firstly, I'm going to try and fix my family in one piece. If that doesn't work, I'll have to fix it by breaking it up.

H called the AA yesterday. He's thinking of going to a meeting. Unfortunately he is still clinging to the notion that he can just cut down. He called his current 2 nights a week 'social drinking'. I pointed out that drinking alone at home isn't social and that his insistence on hanging on to those 2 nights show that he hasn't really dealt with his issues at all.

His renewed job-hunting efforts have yielded a job interview next week.

Good news about the job interview, bushy.

I would imagine he means 'social level' drinking, i.e. an acceptable consumption (albeit too many units consumed in a single sitting for the latest guidance, which suggests no more than 3 or 4 a day I think?).

Unfortunately, whilst I don't think you should discourage him from going to AA, I think it may be counter-productive as it will probably convince him he isn't 'like them'. A much more significant step would be him admitting the extent of his drinking to his GP - I know he went some years ago and was fobbed off, but it's worth trying again.

Hope all is well today.