Just had a Big Talk with dh about his drinking and other issues.

[bushymcbush]

I told him that if he chooses to continue drinking we will have to split up because I choose to no longer live my life in misery.

We've been here before and he usually makes a token effort to cut down (never stop altogether ) for a short time - a couple of weeks maybe - then reverts to drinking at least a bottle of wine by himself every night. Sometimes more.

Before some of you tell me that it's not that much and what's the problem, I should add that he does this even though we have very little money coming in right now and 2 dc to support. He really struggles to not drink. I don't want to spend time with him when he is drinking and I don't want to have sex with him when he is drinking, so it's a massive barrier to us enjoying our relationship. I no longer go back downstairs after putting the dc to bed but prefer to stay upstairs in 'my' space while he remains downstairs with his wine in front of the telly in 'his' space. That's not a marriage I can bear to be in any longer.

Other issue is his being out of work and doing almost nothing to get work. He has had some freelance stuff this month but he didn't seek it out, it came to him. We desperately need him to be earning money or we may not be able to put food on the table next month (yet he still spends minimum £50 week on booze rather than save for next month).

I suggested to him that the two things (drinking and lack of motivation / direction) might be linked but he doesn't think they are. To be fair, he has been drinking like this for 20 years (I know, I was stupid for marrying him and irresponsible for having children with him - please don't say it, it's never that simple and I can't change that now) but he had plenty of work until 2 years ago. But now the work he does has dwindled to nothing (because of the industry he is in) he just sits and waits for something to happen and complains that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. In 6 months he has applied for 3 jobs. Not bloody good enough.

So he said tonight he will 'do something about' the drinking and I suggested he needs some kind of help with that or we'll be back at square one very soon and I won't go back to square one again.

He said he wont drink tomorrow night and we'll talk again.

I'm posting this as a record for myself of what's happening because I'm determined that this time, things will get properly and permanently sorted or its the end of the road. Also, I'm posting for hand holding and support, and to ask you to kick me up the arse if I let things slide. I don't want to live like this any more and I don't want my dd's growing up with it either.

If you've read this far, thank you.

I didn't realise the other thread was yours, bushy (I mean obv that was your intention). I think it has taken courage to come back and post as you have and link the two threads together.

I think the extreme irritability (if that is really the term to use for hitting a child) is a symptom of the alcohol addiction. I really do think you would be better with him going through this particular phase of recovery out of your house. I do recommend the Beat the Booze book I mentioned above, have you had a chance to look at it? If you have a Kindle, I think I can 'loan' you my one for a fortnight.

Oh bushy, have a hug.

I saw the other thread, no idea it was yours.

Just on the drinking issue, previous attempts to cut down by my DP used to mean a very short temper amd grumpiness so i would almost be saying 'oh have a bloody drink ffs'

Sorry things aren't great - I was hoping the reason you hadn't posted was that things were going well.

bushy, I hope the week has gone peacefully for you.

he is basically a good guy. He does good stuff every day. We've been together since we were teenagers. And leaving him will break my heart. Hardest decision I'll ever have to make. I honestly don't know if I have the resolve or strength of mind to follow it through

So stay with him then. Continue as you are. Don't change anything. Live the rest of your life like this.

Why not?

Thanks for dropping in Trib and Fairenuf.

The week has been alcohol free Mon-Thurs. But the Bushy house is not a happy one.

My point of view is that he isn't doing enough to save our marriage and support our family. He has applied for one job this week - but to me, it's just not enough. If I was the jobless one, I would apply for anything and everything. I would do cleaning, or supermarket work, or wait tables - whatever it took. I have done those sorts of jobs and I would do them again. I don't understand why he is being so picky when my dad is paying our mortgage for us and we are living hand to mouth every single week. And on the drinking, I just dread the weekends. And I know that the problem isn't really being dealt with in this way. Yes, he's cut down the drinking a lot, yes he searches the Internet every couple of days for jobs but ... it's not enough. To me, it's all half hearted. Maybe even just for show.

His point of view is that he is trying really hard but he still can't please me. He can see I'm unhappy and he's getting more and more pissed off with me for my constant bad mood with him.

There is much simmering resentment between us. I'm desperately unhappy.

Hi bushy,

In my case, the drinking was really the only thing which caused friction between DP and I. You have other issues which are causing friction. FWIW I agree that your DH should be making more of an effort to get working. He probably feels that he has cut out the drinking in the week and that is enough effort on his part...

I don't understand why he is being so picky when my dad is paying our mortgage for us

Because your dad is paying the mortgage for him! It's not that hard to understand that as long as others keep enabling him, he will keep behaving like this.

He has no reason to change.

Not one.

Hi Bushy, I have been following your thread from the start. I really feel for you, you have an awful lot to deal with. The drinking issue in itself is stressful enough on its own. Added to that the problem with your dh and his seeming lack of motivation to find a job and the financial stress that must be causing, I think you are coping really well in the circumstances.

Dont let posters on this thread make you feel like you are doing something wrong or taking the wrong approach. You are working your way through this in your own way and there is nothing wrong with that, your solution will come to you in time. You know what your dh needs to do, you know what you and your family need in order to function and thrive, and i believe, from reading your posts, that you are a strong person, and you will do whatever it is you need to do.

Keep posting. Take your support where you can. Speak to family, friends, anyone who keeps you strong and supports you. I wish you the best Bushy, keep strong, you will work everything out and you and your family will be fine, whether or not you remain with your dh or not.

I don't know how to respond to that Fairenuf. I can see what you mean but it's not as if DH is quietly chuckling to himself thinking "ha ha I got away without working and FIL is paying my mortgage"... I think he feels somewhat embarrassed by it all actually.

Thank you Irish.

think he feels somewhat embarrassed by it all actually

Just not enough to do something about it though.

bushy, I have been reading and following this thread. I feel for you - I left my exP (DS1's Dad) over drinking issues. The reason I'm posting now is that I suddenly had a resonance - you are cushioning everything for your DH. He's being responsible for none of his actions. So he can't see how his actions are impacting on the lack of mortgage payments, etc.
When our DS was 3 months old, my DP got done for drink driving (in my car. because as drunk as he was he wouldn't risk pranging his own fancy car) nearly 3x limit. I put myself (and our young son) out to drive him the 35mins there and back to work twice a day. Eventually we had to move house, which used all my savings to do that. He got a nice short walk to work, I got to be miles and miles away from my friends/support network. My point is - I went out of my way to help. I think, in the end, if I'd said 'no, I'm not moving from the village where we're happy, this is your mess you sort it out' it would have been better for him. His whole life someone else (his lovely mum, or me) sorted out his drink-related problems. In actual fact, we weren't doing him any favours.

Even if your DH is slightly embarrassed, the fact that someone else is sorting out 'his' problems and making it so he doesn't have to (by getting any job), I suspect that'll mean he wont ever.

Both his attitude to job searching and controlling his alcohol problem are the same, aren't they bushy? (And thus by extension, his attitude to his family responsibilities as well). He's paying lip service to his problems, at best.

Remember, many alcoholics feel guilt and embarrassment about their addiction. Doesn't stop them drinking. He feels guilty about his lack of work. Doesn't motivate him to look. One job in a week? Per-lease. And I genuinely think if he was contributing more to the family finances you'd see a massive increase in his week-day drinking at the same time.

Anyway, let's put that aside for one moment to focus on the really important statement in your post I'm desperately unhappy. You. This whole thread is nearly all about him and managing him and you propping up the family.

How do you get away from this pressure cooker for a few days? Particularly a weekend. Can you visit your parents? I just feel it would do you immeasurable good not to be living with it all every hour of every day - just to be able to relax.

Can you look to prioritise that, to put yourself first, in the next week? Forget about him and his drinking and his not looking for work for one week and concentrate on your own needs.

Either way, please know we are all rooting for you and hoping your situation improves.

He drank last night.

How are things today bushy, if he drank last night? I think tribpot is spot on, you need to get away for an amount of time, get out of the atmosphere, give yourself a break from it all. It's all just exhausting, you need to make sure you are looking after yourself.

Hope your day/weekend goes ok.

Hi - I genuinely hate to be depressing but I also think you have to countenance the thought that he hasn't really stopped drinking in the week. Alcoholics very often hide their drinking. I speak from some experience.

I'm afraid I agree with others that he has no real motivation to change.

The mortgage is getting paid. You are not booting him out. I do totally understand you doing everything to save your marriage - I am sure I would do and feel the same.

But we can see the wood for the trees and have distance to see what's really going on here.

What would your dealbreaker be?

An ultimatum re drinking was infact doomed to failure but I can see why you tried that tactic.

I can only reiterate what I wrote earlier:-

I feel for you bushy and you have been with this person since you were a teen but what is your future really now with him?. More of the same, more of his promises that come to nothing, more excuses and self justification not to do anything concrete about his alcoholism. What you have tried to date has not worked so it is time for you to adopt a different tack and you need to fully detach.

Alcohol is indeed a cruel mistress.

Where's your own rock bottom re him Bushy?. Where is your bottom line here?

Leaving him will break your heart yes of course it will and you have history together - but your family is having the heart ripped out of it anyway by his actions. I don't doubt that he is at heart a "good" guy but his attitude and actions suggest that his alcohol dependency is all encompassing with the associated effects on your day to day lives. Alcoholism is truly a family disease, you're all caught up in it albeit in different ways.

Time to get off the merry go around Bushy before you are completely crushed.

I'm afraid I agree with Attila.

And, trust me, I am not one to suggest leaving a marriage. I believe in marriage vows, I believe in families staying together.

But I cannot see how this is a healthy home for your dc, let alone you.

I don't think he will change.

It is possible that if you call time on the relationship and get him to move out...that this might be the impetus for him to change and properly seek help and/or pull his finger out.

I don't think he has anywhere to go if I boot him out. And I hate this house right now. I have felt too unhappy for too long under this roof.

Seriously considering moving out myself (with dc of course).

Why wouldn't you, bushy? Presumably your dad would be happy to pay your rent elsewhere to help during your mat leave.

As to him not having anywhere to go - he has the ability to work full time to support himself if he chooses.

"I don't think he has anywhere to go if I boot him out".

You are still not responsible for him Bushy even though you think you are. That's your codependency element kicking in again.

And if anyone moves out it should be him rather than you with the children.

True, Attila, but if bushy were to move out (and I accept she is only musing on MN, not off putting the suitcases into her car) it's something she can control, rather than a protracted battle with him that his efforts haven't been enough and he should leave for a period of time.

He drank tonight too after saying he wouldn't. Now says he won't drink tomorrow.

I told him how unhappy I am. We talked about him not properly looking for work. He made excuses. Called me a cunt for being unsupportive. Apologised and took it back. Said he feels like everything is falling to pieces. Feels he is "a big fat zero." Said he doesn't know what to do with his life. I said that wasn't his (or our family's) immediate concern - money is, and that any kind of work will make him feel better and then he can worry about what direction to go in.

I really don't think it will make any difference. I've said it all to him before.

He is probably depressed but he won't seek help and at the moment he won't help himself either. I'm trying to feel sympathetic and find it in me to be loving and supportive (which he said he wants me to be) but I am really struggling tbh. All I can think about is how I don't want to be dragged down with him any longer and I keep imagining my life on my own.

I'm a cold hearted cow, aren't I?

No, not at all, you are a wise woman who knows where her boundaries lie and those needed to protect her DCs.