Just had a Big Talk with dh about his drinking and other issues.

[bushymcbush]

I told him that if he chooses to continue drinking we will have to split up because I choose to no longer live my life in misery.

We've been here before and he usually makes a token effort to cut down (never stop altogether ) for a short time - a couple of weeks maybe - then reverts to drinking at least a bottle of wine by himself every night. Sometimes more.

Before some of you tell me that it's not that much and what's the problem, I should add that he does this even though we have very little money coming in right now and 2 dc to support. He really struggles to not drink. I don't want to spend time with him when he is drinking and I don't want to have sex with him when he is drinking, so it's a massive barrier to us enjoying our relationship. I no longer go back downstairs after putting the dc to bed but prefer to stay upstairs in 'my' space while he remains downstairs with his wine in front of the telly in 'his' space. That's not a marriage I can bear to be in any longer.

Other issue is his being out of work and doing almost nothing to get work. He has had some freelance stuff this month but he didn't seek it out, it came to him. We desperately need him to be earning money or we may not be able to put food on the table next month (yet he still spends minimum £50 week on booze rather than save for next month).

I suggested to him that the two things (drinking and lack of motivation / direction) might be linked but he doesn't think they are. To be fair, he has been drinking like this for 20 years (I know, I was stupid for marrying him and irresponsible for having children with him - please don't say it, it's never that simple and I can't change that now) but he had plenty of work until 2 years ago. But now the work he does has dwindled to nothing (because of the industry he is in) he just sits and waits for something to happen and complains that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. In 6 months he has applied for 3 jobs. Not bloody good enough.

So he said tonight he will 'do something about' the drinking and I suggested he needs some kind of help with that or we'll be back at square one very soon and I won't go back to square one again.

He said he wont drink tomorrow night and we'll talk again.

I'm posting this as a record for myself of what's happening because I'm determined that this time, things will get properly and permanently sorted or its the end of the road. Also, I'm posting for hand holding and support, and to ask you to kick me up the arse if I let things slide. I don't want to live like this any more and I don't want my dd's growing up with it either.

If you've read this far, thank you.

and so the witch hunt continues...

They will not remove her children because her husband has been drunk while she was out/he hit dc, they will expect her not to leave dc with him (thereby removing them from his care). If the dc get exposed to alcohol and violence again they will expect the dc be removed from that exposure. If nothing is continually done and the children are being harmed they may at the end of a long process remove the children. SS do not just swoop in and take children from the partners of alcoholics on a whim. The drama does not help even if the fundamental point is fairly correct.

I'm not minimising it. I said she had to do something about it. What I object to is your assertion that her children will be removed. They won't.

I don't see how it is helpful to project what your dh did. Try advising on what bushy's dh has (so far) done and explaining what that may lead to (what your dh did) and how because it happens incrementally you become accustomed to a little bit more each time until one day the dc are being put seriously at risk of immediate serious injury and/or they actually get hurt.

No-one can or will relate to "your children will be removed".

Sounds like you should work for SS MrDobalina. They have an excellent track record of getting things right. I don't see a mention anywhere in this post that OP DH has done anything like your DH
"attempted to cook and passed out at night resulting in me being woken by smoke and flames" there's a whole new topic right there.
wow i presume you don't have this guy any more.

And especially not if you are emotionally exhausted, it will seem scary but intangible, it will pile on more pressure and exhaustion. Actually I think in situations like this the emotional exhaustion actually feeds the enabling, giving in for an easy life is very real compared to consequences of not giving in which seem scary and surreal not to mention all the giving in habits which you have already built in as part of your life without thinking. I think this is where a thread like this (peer support) can really help because people can help provide emotional and practical support. Part of that being pointing out ways that you behave which have become that unnoticeable and ultimately counter productive habitual enablement/clean up. That is emotional and mental energy saved if you can listen. So I think it is a great idea to point out the effect on the children and the need to put them above the alcoholic even though this can be hard but I don't see the point in shouting about the children being removed.

the dc are exposed to alcohol and violence offred

And being considered at risk is a loooooong way from being removed.

I didn't say they weren't I said continually because all organisations are aware that the best thing for a child when things go wrong is the parents sorting themselves out and not them being removed straight away.

Are you reading my posts or just picking out words?

The children being removed is not a current reality but perhaps being put on an at risk register is.

Well, never been accused of doing hand holding and not realities before!

Almost burning down the house and killing its inhabitants is not as bad as hitting an annoying child (that wasn't enough to hurt it). Really?

Read my posts instead of replying to what you think I am saying. Being put on an at risk register is not the same as being removed. The at risk register is specifically designed to be for families who social services feel need support and to be kept an eye on. Social services do not remove children without being sure that they are a. Suffering abuse and/or neglect/are in danger in their homes and b. the parents/carers are not capable of protecting them from this neglect/abuse/danger. That means children who are removed are abused and neglected over a period of time unless there is an occurrence of extremely serious harm where they may apply to remove a child without warning in extremely rare circs and removal of a child can only ever be done with the permission of the court.

If your solicitor was telling you you needed to demonstrate you were protecting your dcs it may have been better safe than sorry or it may have been you had come to the attention of social services and they had found risk in your home so were already building the first part of the case against your care of dcs.

You are a bit delusional if you think the things you list are less bad than bushy's h. There may be more to bushy's story but still. Given ss is not involved and he hasn't yet put the dc at direct risk of harm, from what has been said anyway, bushy's situations is a long way from being yours but will inevitably become yours if she doesn't act.

That's the point really, it will become yours if nothing is done but I'm not sure what part of "my parents will help me rent a house" is making your think bushy isn't capable of protecting her dc?

You are at the end of your process though FGS!!

You didn't protect your children before the things you listed happened.

As a lurker on the thread can i say i think that, for the purpose of this support thread, the importance protecting the children has been hammered home enough now.

OP - i wish you strength. You're in a very hard place right now.