Just had a Big Talk with dh about his drinking and other issues.

[bushymcbush]

I told him that if he chooses to continue drinking we will have to split up because I choose to no longer live my life in misery.

We've been here before and he usually makes a token effort to cut down (never stop altogether ) for a short time - a couple of weeks maybe - then reverts to drinking at least a bottle of wine by himself every night. Sometimes more.

Before some of you tell me that it's not that much and what's the problem, I should add that he does this even though we have very little money coming in right now and 2 dc to support. He really struggles to not drink. I don't want to spend time with him when he is drinking and I don't want to have sex with him when he is drinking, so it's a massive barrier to us enjoying our relationship. I no longer go back downstairs after putting the dc to bed but prefer to stay upstairs in 'my' space while he remains downstairs with his wine in front of the telly in 'his' space. That's not a marriage I can bear to be in any longer.

Other issue is his being out of work and doing almost nothing to get work. He has had some freelance stuff this month but he didn't seek it out, it came to him. We desperately need him to be earning money or we may not be able to put food on the table next month (yet he still spends minimum £50 week on booze rather than save for next month).

I suggested to him that the two things (drinking and lack of motivation / direction) might be linked but he doesn't think they are. To be fair, he has been drinking like this for 20 years (I know, I was stupid for marrying him and irresponsible for having children with him - please don't say it, it's never that simple and I can't change that now) but he had plenty of work until 2 years ago. But now the work he does has dwindled to nothing (because of the industry he is in) he just sits and waits for something to happen and complains that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. In 6 months he has applied for 3 jobs. Not bloody good enough.

So he said tonight he will 'do something about' the drinking and I suggested he needs some kind of help with that or we'll be back at square one very soon and I won't go back to square one again.

He said he wont drink tomorrow night and we'll talk again.

I'm posting this as a record for myself of what's happening because I'm determined that this time, things will get properly and permanently sorted or its the end of the road. Also, I'm posting for hand holding and support, and to ask you to kick me up the arse if I let things slide. I don't want to live like this any more and I don't want my dd's growing up with it either.

If you've read this far, thank you.

Nobody is talking about forcing him to quit drinking. I agree with you all - that would be impossible and probably even counter-productive.

What I said was that if OP's DH is saying he will change & won't drink, then OP can tell him to prove his good intentions by starting such a drug.

A couple I know are going through this right now. He has started taking the drug and hasn't been drinking for the past two months. It is working for them.

I'm not sure if this is the same drug as yours, though, because he only needs to take it once a week.

"There is a drug that you should make sure he takes",- Cot i know you didnt mean it that way, but alot of people do think this- and it doesnt work ever if the addict does not do things and make changes because they want to, and see the need themselves.

And this also goes for the rest of us, doesnt it, as the addict is not in a special camp.

So, say for example my h wants me to do this and not that, or stop doing something else, will I? Only if I agree or see the need, or if I dont, but think the stakes are high enough if I dont.

In that scenario, I either see the benefits of change, or I have assessed some real disadvantages of not changing which will accrue if I dont make that change, and then I make that choice. Providing, of course, I believe he is serious.

It isnt at all difficult to see how addicts think, because they think just like the rest of us do, except they are prioritising one particular substance or another in addition, as a false answer to life problems.

Op you should search under my username and read my thread relating to my alcoholic dsis - there is an absolute wealth of information in it - some of which you too will find helpful I'm sure

OP's DH has started acting like he wants to change and that he will change.

I'm only suggesting that OP makes him commit to that decision by taking a pill that will make him physically sick if he drinks alcohol.

I appreciate everyone's advice and comments here. Cote, I didn't even know such a drug existed - thank you for letting me know. I will look further into it. Only problem is I (stupidly perhaps) agreed that DH could drink 2 nights per week.

No alcohol here tonight.

Having been very close to deciding to give up and leave, DH (who has cottoned on to the gravity of the situation) is making efforts to put things right.

Last night he initiated a talk (unheard of), apologised again for calling me a cunt (that had been a highlight of the previous night) and apologised "for just being shit." He said that he wants to sort out the drink issue himself but he will seek help if that's what I want him to do (I said he shouldn't do anything just to make me happy but he needs to do it for himself).

Today he went to the job centre, and searched online for jobs. He came up with a few possibles BUT no applications have been sent and I spent an hour at his request writing the personal statement bit for one job but he hasn't yet done the rest of the form.

So. I'm a little bit hopeful. And a little bit braced for more disappointment.

I hope it works out for you bushy.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Some info on antabuse and other drug treatments, bushy. But you're doing it again - looking up the info for him. I doubt it would occur to him to look, as long as he is sticking to your agreement? He does need to seek help for his drinking problem, he genuinely cannot actually fix this on his own. But as you rightly point out, he needs to do that because he wants to seek help, not because you want him to.

Why are you writing the personal statement for him? Couldn't he have done it and you reviewed it?

I spent an hour at his request writing the personal statement bit for one job

Why?

If yiou hadn't written it, what would have happened? Would he have done it for himself?

It does seem that everytime there is an opportunity for him to be proactive, you step in a take over bushy, what do you think about that? I know he asked you but you should have said, actually, it's your application, you should write it.

You are still mothering him.

OP's DH has started acting like he wants to change and that he will change

Where do you see evidence of that Cote? I can't see anywhere where OP has said he has done anything to suggest he wants to change. Going to the job centre was a token nod to stop OP leaving him. He didn't do that to change, he did it to keep things the way they are. He got her to fill out an application and hasn't actually sent any applications in.

I'm only suggesting that OP makes him commit to that decision by taking a pill that will make him physically sick if he drinks alcohol

OP cannot make him do anything. He has to want to stop by himself and he has to make all the decisions around it by himself.

If OP stood over him whlst he took a pill, that would still be mothering him. That is not her responsibility.

I see no evidence from Mr B of his wanting to change long term. He is just paying lip service to the problems and has done just about enough in the short term to stop Bushy walking out on him.

You are a part of his supporting cast Bushy and you are still on the merry go around of alcoholism. You are as enmeshed as he is.

Bushy--face up to it love it's just not going to work. He doesn't want to change does he.
Quit while you are ahead.

I write his personal statements because he is utterly shit at it. He wrote one himself back in May, I asked to see it before he sent it and it was shockingly bad. I rewrote the whole thing. He's very talented and capable in some areas (for example, he is great at practical stuff around house and on car - I am rubbish) but I'm better at writing. Just the way it is.

Surely other couples back up each other's weaknesses / utilise each other's strengths like this?

I once drove around for 6 months without an MoT, utterly clueless, which of course invalidated my insurance too. It was DH who noticed and sorted it out for me - and has taken charge of looking after all my motoring needs ever since.

Of course they do Bushy. I frequently proof read i.e. re-write DH's personal statements for job apps. He's really smart but can't get it into his head that personal statements have to be tailored according to the job application.

There are plenty of areas where he's more capable and proactive than me.

As long as you generally feel your talents balance out, that you're not mothering him (I'm guilty of that too!) - and as long as you are sure he's not just being lazy - I really don't think this is an issue.

There are plenty of issues to work on - but personally I don't think this is one of them! Don't sweat the small stuff... :)

Thanks Henrietta Thought I was seriously twisting things in my head for a minute there.

I know what our (very serious) issues are. H's terrible writing skills is not one of them.

What is the balance of this strength/weakness collaboration?

Is it mostly you covering for his weaknesses?

Sorting out car related issues is not really a big deal, spread across a whole year.

Actually, you also seem to be ok with him being drunk in charge of your children, and him hitting them. So essentially, you agree with the neglect and the abuse, and you enable it.

I actually think proof reading is very different to writing a personal statement. Proof reading is a fresh set of eyes to check the work is technically correct and flows.

A personal statement is a learned skill that comes with effort and practice and the whole point of it is to show you are right for the job and understand what is required. There is no point in someone else writing it for the applicant. In this situation it is even worse because it is yet another example of how he actually is nowhere near getting a job. He cannot even manage applying for one.

I don't believe you don't mind about his abuse of alcohol/the children bushy, I think you have unhealthily adjusted to that reality. You do need to see it the way some others may though in order to readjust.

Bushy, that's good that your DF and his wife are willing to help you out if you leave.

Would you perhaps be able to start some planning for that eventuality, eg getting key documents together, getting some legal and financial/benefits advice, listing people you'd need to inform of a change in address etc? Doesn't mean you'll go, but will make it less stressful if you do.

All v well that he is being nice etc, but will it last? Saw this pattern with my friend's alcoholic partner, he could tell when she was close to leaving and would be v v nice for a little while but couldn't/wouldn't sustain it.

Yes, being nice is irrelevant. It is about real change not nice behaviour. I don't believe he is actually capable of work just now, not really.

I think Offred's right that the writing of the statement is symptomatic of the propping him up rather than supporting him problem that you have, bushy. They sound like they're the same thing, but they're not.

Example: you could have helped to write the personal statement together after he'd actually written the application. Bearing in mind, you can't do the interview for him, so he's the one who's got to be able to sell the personal statement to the interviewers. Writing it for him could actually be counter-productive. And particularly when getting him to take personal responsibility for things is so difficult at the moment.

I would also agree with Dozer. You can do some useful planning now which in no way commits you actually to leaving. But which will make it easier if/when you decide to.

fuck the personal statement and the job application

what are you going to do to protect your kids bushy?

^^^
ECHO THAT