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Original poster

Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

395 replies

Confused74 · 28/08/2012 19:53

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

OP posts:
maddening · 28/08/2012 19:56

I would speak to mil myself - say dh is upset as he forgot you had booked 6 mths ago and is wanting to cancel and loose £1000 as he doesn't want to upset her

nannyl · 28/08/2012 19:57

YANBU

I would be livid too

although i will say as its her 50th, and therefor a special birthday, perhaps a bit more effort could / should have been made to double check for potential plans, but if you assumed these checks, and had made it clear that it needed checking, then YADDDDDNBU

RandomMess · 28/08/2012 19:57

YANBU

Why did you not tell MIL that you had booked something?

janx · 28/08/2012 19:58

How about you call his mum and explain the situation. Hopefully she will be more sensible then her son. It sounds like a very
Strange reaction that he had to it - is there anything else going on? Where you getting on ok before that?

FatimaLovesBread · 28/08/2012 19:59

I'd be a bit pissed off. Surely he knew it was his DM's 50th when you asked him about booking a weekend away?

Could you speak to his DM, see what her plans are? Is her birthday actually at the weekend or is it mid week so she could feasibly celebrate a different weekend?

Katienana · 28/08/2012 19:59

I think YANBU, but I'm sure someone will tell you you were being U for spending £1000 on a weekend away!
Speak directly to your MIL and explain that you can't cancel the arrangements so if her birthday do could be on a different weekend that would really help you out....appeal to her better nature. Your husband is being generally useless though. I hope he makes it up to you for your birthday.

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2012 20:07

Definitely talk to MIL if she's remotely reasonable. But it is strange that your H is being so unpleasant about the whole business when he was originally pleased at the idea of weekend away.

Original poster
Confused74 · 28/08/2012 20:09

We live over 200 miles away from MIL and she doesnt like me at all and has never made an effort with me, I ALWAYS make an effort to make her comfortable/happy in my company but she has told DH many times "I dont think that she is right for you" for no reason so i think that if she knew she would tell DH that i was trying to change her plans and DH would be really annoyed with me.

I told DH the dates many times and asked him to make sure it was okay with MIL as it is the same day as her birthday, He told me he would. I asked him if its okay to book it and he said that it was fine so i booked it.

MIL has always come between my and DH in situations for example; It was my first mothers day this year and i asked DH if we should go out somewhere for it with DS (Zoo etc) He has NEVER celebrated mothers day with his family as they say it is just a way the shops use to make more money however my family make a big thing of mothers day. She rang him and told him she wanted to spend the day with him so me and my DS went to the zoo by ourselves whilst he drove back to her for the day.

I am really upset about it as it would have been the first time we have been away, I completely understand that a 50th is a big birthday and thats why i kept asking if the dates were okay before i booked it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2012 20:15

In the spirit of things I tell strangers to do online but would never have the guts to do in real life... tell him it is booked and you are going away. You checked the dates several times, he told you it was good, he said he'd check. You did everything right so you get to go away.

Vis a vis the zoo, that is dreadful and I wouldn't put up with that at all. However, he is the problem. I know she's a bitch but she didn't make any vows to you.

glenthebattleostrich · 28/08/2012 20:17

Tell him you are going, he is welcome to join you or he can continue to be a pathetic mummy's boy.

Sorry, if my DH did this to me he would be living back with Mummy

pictish · 28/08/2012 20:19

No. You checked and it was all booked. First.
First come, fucking served.

Tell him to pack a bag to take to mummy's party, because he's not coming home again.

How rude. How ungracious. How ridiculous.

EasilyBored · 28/08/2012 20:21

I'm with MrsTerryPratchett, I would tell him that since he agreed many times that it was OK to book it, and that the hotel says you can't move it, that you will still be going, and it is up to him to discuss this situation with his mother and decide on the best course of action.

Dropdeadfred · 28/08/2012 20:22

and that he can have ds with his mom

Tanith · 28/08/2012 20:22

Either go yourself and leave him to decide whether or not to join you,
or tell him "This is what I planned for your birthday. Sorry it doesn't please you.", cancel or sell it to someone who would appreciate it, and give him a card if you're feeling generous.

Nappydodger · 28/08/2012 20:24

You want your partner to miss his mums 50th birthday. You knew this year she was turning 50 but you booked the time away anyway. Sounds like you don't like your mother in law much to be honest, to not think that maybe she wants to spend this milestone occasion with her son. Sorry but you were being foolish when you booked your dirty weekend.

TandB · 28/08/2012 20:25

He's being an arse and it sounds like there is more to it than just wanting to see his mum on her birthday.

I assume you have childcare arranged? If so, go by yourself and have as nice a time as possible. At least then he will know that he can't just sulk you into doing what he wants.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2012 20:27

NappyDodger I assume he also knew it was her 50th when he said it was OK. And, did you miss the bit that it is OP's DH's birthday then as well?

OneMoreChap · 28/08/2012 20:28

I wouldn't tell him to pack his bags.

I'd certainly pack yours and go on the do you have paid for.
He's a prick.

cansu · 28/08/2012 20:29

I think your husband is being very unfair. I would be regretting the trouble I had gone to. I would tell him it can't be cancelled without losing all your money and therefore you will be going with a friend. You gave home the chance to tell you the dates were wrong. It is his fault and frankly it's unbelievable that you are the one stressing out and trying to sort it. He sounds a bit of an arse frankly.

RagingDull · 28/08/2012 20:29

well, i know what i would do.

i would give the the choice - come with you or go to his mums alone while you take your best mate and have the weekend of your life.....

id say bollocks to him from now on - you tried - he clearly doesnt give a toss so go with a friend and tell his mother why. his loss. (he is being an arse btw.....if you stand firm with it he may back down....but id be making plans for a fantastic weekend away with the girls if i were you and tell him you hope he and his mother will be very happy together!)

and i would too. id go without him on bloody principal.

WillowTheWhispers · 28/08/2012 20:32

YANBU!!

I agree with PP saying you should go. I once stayed up half the night blowing up balloons and icing cakes etc for ex-Ps 21st birthday. In the morning when he got up and found presents in a pile, a breakfast and the whole flat decorated he seemed pleased. We went out for dinner and had a romantic night in. AFTER all of this he threw a strop because i hadnt "planned anything". He got the tickets of the weekend trip Id kept as a suprise dumped in his cereal the next morning and I went to Plymouth on my own for the weekend.
HMPH! Still makes me angry now!

Chundle · 28/08/2012 20:34

I agree def go with a friend!

AnnieLobeseder · 28/08/2012 20:35

I'd go without him and take a good mate instead. Screw him; what a thoughtless twump. I'd be livid!!!

But more practically, speak to his mum. You shouldn't be the one sorting this mess out just because he forgot to pass on your arrangements in advance, but unfortunately, if he won't step up, either you have to or you lose all that money you paid.

Original poster
Confused74 · 28/08/2012 20:35

Nappy dodger: I never said that I wanted him to miss it hence why I asked beforehand to check with her and if she would be able to do the weekend before/after. I have no problem with my MIL but because I am not the brightest spark she just doesn't think that I am right for DH (They are an extremely educated family whereas my family are not) and she thinks that I got pregnant to 'trap him' and suggested an abortion, through all of that I am still pleasant to her and I am not one to hold grudges. As for the 'dirty weekend' me and DH have never been away together, we have always spent it with his family or friends so I thought that we needed a break.

You are entitled to your opinion of course.

My DM is having DS for that weekend, childcare has been arranged ever since it was booked.

OP posts:
CaliforniaLeaving · 28/08/2012 20:35

I just don't see the big deal with 50. I had mine this year I made my own cake!
She can move her "do" over one week and let her Dh enjoy his birthday. Don't let her make you cancel everything.