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Original poster

Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

395 replies

Confused74 · 28/08/2012 19:53

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 21:13

What a spineless knob. Go, and ignore anything the inlaws might say about you - A) You won't be there to hear it. B) your husband should stick up for you and not let them say shitty things about you to him, if he does let them without sticking up for you then he's a cunt. C) they are nasty to you and about you anyway, so what's one more thing? At least you will have enjoyed your trip!

And I'd seriously think about your relationship with this mummy's boy who expects you to jump to his Mother's command just because he does. He isn't putting you first, is he? He fucked off with mummy on your first Mother's day, he could have invited her to come with you, or grown up and realised that his priorities are elsewhere now he has a wife and a child, but he didn't.

This WILL set the tone for the duration of your relationship if you don't go on this trip, he will ALWAYS expect you to do what suits him and his mother, regardless of what you want.

And I know ALL about MIL's ignoring boundaries, ignoring the fact that their children are adults and have their own life now. I'll bet HER husband didn't spend Mother's day with HIS mum after SHE had had children...

OK, it may be unfortunate that his birthday is at the sant time as his mothers, but she asked him 6 months ago to check if that date was OK.

Now either he checked, MIL said it was OK, then booked her meal on the same day and demanded their presence, or he didn't bother to check, and got in a kerfuffle.

If he DID forget to check with his mum, the grown up thing to do would be to apologise to his wife, take responsibility for it, and tell his wife to go with a friend and enjoy herself, not to stamp his feet and demand that she is also present too, because his mummy decrees it!

Either way, he's acting like a twat, letting mummy control not only his life, but the OP's too.

Been there, got the t-shirt, and also not with the twatty mummy's boy any more.

HabitsofaLifetime · 28/08/2012 21:13

did you really expect her to have an answer so far away from the date

If she's planned a party surely she would have had to book the room/table in advance If all the family are attending so uh yes she should have had an answer

Op could you maybe change the ticket dates for the show and stay in budget hotel so at least you still get to see the show , although you should bloody go without him, leave Dc home and take your Dm
Also does DH realise he shall wake up birthday morning with nothing but a card if he's lucky

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/08/2012 21:14

I'm 56, 50 was a meh birthday.
Why is everyone making such a big deal about itt?

discrete · 28/08/2012 21:16

Honestly? Throw a strop.

A really big, huge screaming banshee strop.

Sometimes it's the only way to get through.

If he doesn't listen then, I'm afraid he's probably a write-off.

Mintyy · 28/08/2012 21:16

Quite a lot of people think 50 is a significant birthday, even if you did not LadyBeagleEyes.

Op's dh was obviously an arse not to think ahead (but then so was op too).

Malificence · 28/08/2012 21:17

I missed the bit about him going to his mothers on mothers day instead of spending it with you on your first, what a prick.

Claireabella1 · 28/08/2012 21:18

I agree with NappyDogder - you're all stupid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2012 21:18

The OP did think ahead and checked. Her DH is an arse, not her. MIL could have had either weekend as well. Their birthday is the Monday. Aaaaarrrghhhh.

FriedEggsAndHam · 28/08/2012 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 21:19

I would like my DS's there with me - but if it was also their wife's birthday, I would either arrange a meal at a convenient time for ALL (probably a different weekend, I celebrated my 30th birthday 13 months late...), and I would DEFINITELY expect them to go on a pre-booked, pre-arranged trip with their wife. I would be disappointed in how I had brought up my DS's if they didn't put their wife before me! I would more than likely leave my DS's with a flea in their ear if they ignored their wife's wishes, tbh.

FriedEggsAndHam · 28/08/2012 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 28/08/2012 21:20

OP did think ahead.
So his mum is 50, big whoop. Hmm She sounds like a passive aggressive cowbag intent on shit stirring.
Op, if you don't want this for the next 30 years, act now and stand up to them.

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/08/2012 21:20

I'm feeling a bit aaaaaarrrgggghhhh about this myself MrsTerry.
I may have to hide this thread. Grin

DontmindifIdo · 28/08/2012 21:20

Well, even if the MIL didn't have something planned 6 months in advance, she'd have then been told that her DS would be away the weekend before her birthday, so should expect that he wouldn't join her party if she did it that weekend, and if she wanted him there, she would need to book it the weekend after.

princelypurpleparrot · 28/08/2012 21:21

OP you're other half is being nob and you need to get him to sit down and sort out his priorities, whatever drama it may involve. DH's DM is quite the matriarch but DH understands that me as his his immediate family is his priority now. That has meant negotiating things like mothers day (taking her out for lunch on another day, for example). I know he's not entirely comfortable with it but he knows it's the right thing to do. But then my MIL would never behave like yours, thankfully.

Please, don't let him get away with this.

BarredfromhavingStella · 28/08/2012 21:21

Take a mate on the weekend away & have a fabulous time. Tell DH to go fuck himself-arsehole (sorry but the mothers day thing did it for me, he is a dick & you know it)

DontmindifIdo · 28/08/2012 21:21

There's a principle at stake now, you can't not go....

Malificence · 28/08/2012 21:21

Is this sock puppet central? Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2012 21:22

LadyBeagleEyes you are on my nice list.

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2012 21:23

Definitely go on the theatre trip with a friend. Your H is not your owner, he doesn't get to tell you what to do. Look him in the eye and say 'I am going on the weekend break, you can go to your mother's party.' He can't drag you there, and if he becomes aggressive or tries to bully you, tell him you will end the marriage and have him removed from the house. Honestly, you really really need to put a man like this in his place.

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon · 28/08/2012 21:23

Malifience: don't shoot the messenger. I'm just stating the facts as I see them. Others have already adequately covered the leave the bastard message. All I'm saying is clearly she's not going to win as things stand by pitting herself against the mil.

MrsTerryPratchett: splitting hairs but I'd think th he weekend booked was the most likely one for mil to have a party, so would have avoided it. You may well be right though that the following weekend would have been an issue though too, no matter what the op did.

Finally, yes the DH is a twat but it sounds like this weekend was more about what you wanted than what he did and has spectacularly backfired as a two fingers up to the mil on the op's part

KenLeeeeeee · 28/08/2012 21:23

I don't necessarily agree with previous comments that he should put you first instead of his mother. It's not a competition and I would be upset at suggestions that I must always think of my husband before my mum. However, he has shown an immense lack of respect and almost contempt for the effort you've made for his birthday, and that is unacceptable. He's an ungrateful, disrespectful arsehole and you would be entirely justified in telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then going on the weekend away with a mate. Big, hairy bollocks to what his family will say to that!

Claireabella1 · 28/08/2012 21:24

@descrete - I'm guessing you're single?

CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 21:24

And I would be the same if DD ignored a pre-booked trip with her husband too. Equal opps, me.

Seriously, I am bringing my children up to live independently and to live their own lives, not to be at my beck and call all day every day even when they have their own families to look after, I'm their mum, not their wife/husband - priorities should go children, spouse, work, other family, then anything else IMO. I'm not going to change on that the minute my DC's grow up?!

Malificence · 28/08/2012 21:26

It is a competition as far as his mother is concerned Wink
Let her win now and it will never change, people like her get worse as they get older too.