Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

[Confused74]

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

How do i let him know that i do feel hurt about this without causing a drama?

I don't think you can Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being walked all over and coming second to mummy dearest.

Tbh I'd have booked another weekend and told MIL in advance so there was no way she could pull rank and fuck up the weekend.

Also - leave the bastard.

If you're spending £1k then presumably its a significant birthday for your dp as well?

The only thing you can do IMO is go for the weekend with a mate.
That's will show him he can't bully you and that you can stand up for yourself.
Don't pander to him.

Cause a drama.

Really.

You owe it to yourself.

It needs to be a drama, ask him why you are not his number one priority, that's what happens in a healthy marriage, you put your partner first and foremost, above everyone else ( apart from children while they are young).

He really has no excuse - he knew about your plans, he approved them FFS!

You poor, poor lady.He is being utterly unreasonable.

Sorry but I think there is more going on than just birthday dates clash.

They do not usually make a big deal out of birthdays, My DH's 18th and 21st were just a meal out with the Inlaws and then he spent the night with his friends, I didnt know MIL was going to have a party thats why i asked him to check, I had to book it 6 months in advance to get the best room as the hotel is extremely popular.

My DH's birthday is the exact same day and my MIL's birthday.

"i don't want to argue"

Fucking BOLLOCKS to that. Twat. Does he think he owns you?

"we are going and that's that"

No... He goes, if he chooses, you tell him to get to fuck. Tosser.

Don't worry about causing a drama. He has let it get to this.

Mrs Terry Pratchett: maybe because this year was her Mil's 50th, op might have considered that avoiding a clash would be a good idea? Does it matter what weekend they went away as long as it was near the day?

Op I feel bad for you losing this money but I think you set yourself up to lose here by going head to head with your mil...past experience shows your dh is close to his mum & you would be better off not looking for him to choose between you (sad as that is for you).

You need to have a serious think about whether you want a marriage like this, his lack of respect for you is astounding.
His behaviour is quite frankly bizzare.

Avoiding drama is over rated. Create a drama. Go big. Start demanding shit and chuck ultimatums about. You'll feel better and he might actually notice.

Well this is going to happen every year from now on.

His mother will be more important than you every mother day. Any plans you make will be a waste of time as soon as his mother makes other arrangements.

What about Christmas, your child's birthday, your families birthdays, your birthday.

He is telling you loudly and clearly this is how it will be. You cannot change that. You can only change how you deal with it and what you consider more important.

Back down now, back down next time, back down the time after that. Spend special days alone with your child or with them every time as he is telling you this is how it is going to be.

Its your mil's 50th ffs! She may be scumoftheearth she-devil from hell as far as you are concerned, but she is bloody well going to be 50!

Ask yourself, in 30 years time or whenever it is you celebrate this significant milestone, would you like your children to be there with you?

"past experience shows your dh is close to his mum & you would be better off not looking for him to choose between you (sad as that is for you)"

Are you fucking kidding me?

There should be no choice necessary - she should be number one.

Cause a drama. It works for his mother!

Decent men don't behave the way your husband is behaving. Do something nice for yourself for a change. You won't get it from him. Go on the weekend with a friend and tell him HE will need to speak to his mother about it as you're not going to.

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon their birthday is on a Monday so either weekend would presumably be OK for either celebration. In a normal set up, he would have checked and they would have worked out which weekend worked for which person. I bet if she had booked the next weekend THAT would have been the weekend of the party because I am very cynical.

Confused do me a favour and sit and think about this scenario but change the people around. So, your DH asks you and books a fab weekend away... DO all the steps. Can you imagine saying to him that he is going to your DM's party, there will be no discussion and so on? Thought not.

Think it's time for drama - I'd be shouting at him that I'd be going and he could pick who he'd rather spend his birthday with, but he needs to know that if he didn't pick me I'd think about if our marriage could survive.

But then I do drama well.

Sit down together, agree to each get a turn speaking uninterrupted for a couple of minutes. Calmly explain that you have heard what he has said, but you are upset because you had asked him to check with MIL several times and he said it was ok. You have spent a considerable amount of money and time organising a treat for him, you are also upset that he is putting his DM before you. Again. You are questioning the relationship because he sets so little store by your feelings. Then listen to his responses.

Don't have a slanging match though I would find it hard to resist as it will just make you look irrational and bonkers. But do not back down under any circumstances.

do those that feel the op is bu always feel one family members birthday trumps anothers? or is it a temp thing how do you decide whose is more important?

is a parent of an adult dc always more important than a husband/wife or is it just birthdays and mothers/fathers day(even if the adult dc is also a mum/dad)?

i would be compleatly ashamed of myself if any of my dc's (and yes as well as lo's i do have adult dc's) thought they 'had' to do something on my birthday because i expected it.

i would also feel if any of my sons felt they had to concider my feelings above there own wifes then i would have failed in my duty as a parent to give them the relivant life skills for them to function in a marrige behave in a respectfull way towards there wife. i would also think that if they said go ahead and book then bailed out that they had behaved very very badly and i would never collude with that.

Mintyy, so what? Seriously, so bloody what.