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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this all too fast?

297 replies

IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 12:39

First and foremost I'm insanely happy with the way things are but the odd friend is making comments which is upsetting me. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I've recently bought a house (my own name on the deeds) and he is moving in with dd (2.3) and I in october phallus going to pay half the mortgage. We have regular family days out with both sides of the family and we've talked about marriage in a year or two. Looking back it feels like we've been together forever not just since January. Sounds corny but we adore each other and are so excited about our future. Why are my friends being so negative?

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 22:39

Also they will be 9/10 months into their relationship. Not in another 9 months.

Someone earlier posted that they bought a house with their dp within 6 WEEKS of meeting. My home is on a new development still yet to be completed so it'll be 9/10 months into our relationship that we move in. God knows why I'm justifying myself to you. Sigh.

floranora · 23/08/2012 22:39

you are a long time dead OP, could be hit by car tomorrow! live for today, enjoy each moment and live for it!

SO i think go for it!!

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 22:42

yes flora, I think thats what we'd all be saying if she didnt have a little girl that could be hit by the fallout of another abusive relationship.

I cant believe people are so flippant where children are involved

alistron1 · 23/08/2012 22:42

Flora, the OP has a child and significant financial assets. This is not mills and boon.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 22:52

Oh I can Simone. You've only got to read this thread. It honestly makes me so sad. That women really don't get that previous abuse and significant assets. Put op at massive risk for another abuser.

Which tbf he's already showing bad signs. Going too fast etc. It's people desperate to see the romance in everything so powerful it overrides practical, level headed advice. I'd be called bitter and be shouted at forever. If it means it sunk in for one person. Someone lurking who thinks, shit! I'm hoping op is listening. Contrary to other posters wishing me off the thread earlier and screaming at me. I KNEW that's why I found it so bloody frustrating. I knew abuse was here somewhere as the boundaries are so off. It's such a risk.

It does mn a disservice to not encourage all views and want to hound people off for not towing the hugs xxxxx line. As it doesn't protect anyone. Not really.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 22:54

ok, sorry my mistake re 9/10 months, in this case it would be wise to give it a few more months, but it really doesn't have to be years! it all depends how it ended with her ex and what she learned from that, but as I saym the good sign is that sjhe didn't stay with him for any length of time, surely it's encouraging. Also, repeat, her family are not suspicious. If the man knows her history, he wouldn't interested in 'making her his victim' as he knows she'll get up and leave, why would he invest so much time and money into this? she has no history tolerating abuse. If she turns down his involvement with dd for now, I think it would be good enough. Possibly wait a few months before he moves in. it's my opinion that people who are TOO scared of everything end up miserable. Some abuse victims swear off r-ships, no extreme is healthy!

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 22:56

You have no idea what you are talking about do you bricks? It shows.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 22:58

House calm down please - I'm not shouting, I'm pointing out the pints you seem to dismiss and I'm not at all angry at you, I know you had a spat with one poster but no one is denying you your right to voice your opinions, you are dominating the thread, so why are you complaining Confused? equally people who think you have gone to another extreme also have a right to their opinion.

DixieD · 23/08/2012 23:02

Like I said up thread bricks friends often have a much better idea about problems in relationships than family. My parents think that my sisters partner is brilliant, he's a controlling prat. I know this because I know her friends and what they have seen. You should see the charm offensive with my folks though.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 23:04

possibly, Dixie, I did read your post, but then it's a question to OP - does he display controlling behaviour when she is away from him meeting friends etc.? can't just assume he does it!

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 23:05

Tonne you were in that spat remember? How many times did you call me bitter and suggest I leave the thread? I don't want to dominate the thread. It just so happens I've had to do a lot of work today and have been popping onto this thread. Where lots of romantics took issue with my practical stance and was personally attacked for a bit by several people. So I answered back.

You 2nd to last post is full of dangerous abuser myths. Such as "the parents would have picked it up".

Amongst others.

People are welcome to their opinions. But like I told you earlier, keep personally attacking me I will call you on it. You all stopped. Tonight it's like I'm talking to a different tonne.....my last post wasn't an attack. It was an observation.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 23:06

i.e. does he call her all the time checking up on her and how many drinks she had etc.? (just in case House will pipe up that Op doesn't know what these are, I'm going by Dixie's earlier post).

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 23:07

Tonne. Abusers won't show their true colours until they have their feet under the table, the house, the kids attached. The woman vulnerable.

You can spot the signs, if you know what to look for. But if your boundaries are way out. You won't see them for what they are. It's not as simple as you are ying to make it.

Sassybeast · 23/08/2012 23:09

I'm with Pain on this (and BTW she sounds perfectly calm to me Hmm )
You are very ignorant about the dynamics of abusive relationships Tonne. That much is very, very clear.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 23:09

I called you bitter twice but without any venom, in response to you calling me flippant. I didn't ask you to not voice your opinions or leave the thread (I said that your opinins aer on here so if OP gets too upset it's best in MY opinion to leave it be and she can think it over at her leisure, as that's what i would like - I was talking from my owm honest perspective), but I do agree with those (quite a few) who think you sound too cynical and drumming the drum too much.

DixieD · 23/08/2012 23:09

Well I'd say it's highly unlikely he's showing a lot of controlling tendencies yet since its so early in the relationship, but there's obviously something causing red flags for the friends. Hence the concern. Rushing into things and accelerating the whole relationship is one of the common traits though.
I am just saying that I wouldn't hang too much on what the family think tbh. They are usually easier to deceive tan friends.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 23:13

Well I carried on tonne. As despite you and others persistently calling me bitter, advising I leave the thread, change my name and my attitude.

I KNEW. I was going to stand by my opinions. I knew tonne. If one person reads this thread from afar and thinks shit! Then good, it was worth it. Poor boundaries, red flags ahoy, moving too quick....oh and op was an abuse victim with significant assets.

Yes I will come back time and time again, to people who personally attack me and romanticise a situation which could be VERY bad. It's not in her interests at all to not make her think why. Why her rl friends are negative.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 23:13

I didn't not attack you, come on it's not fair, I honestly never felt angry just perplexed by the negativity, all i said in the daytime was that you came across as bitter in response to calling me flippant and explained that if I was OP i wouldn't like someone being so negative on my thread, and Op got upset - I like measured posts with pros and cons with them, so i was promoting that.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 23:15

Sassy saying people are shouting at her or hounding her is well over the top, and it's not 'being calm', we are talking, there may have been one person shouting but this was hours ago.

littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 23:15

House seems pretty calm to me. She is talking sense, although it is not cheerful. I can see that House may be fearing the worst, and other posters are right that the worst may not happen, of course the worst does not happen to every one. But facts are facts - having been a victim of abuse before, having assets, having a child - these are factors which mean you need to exercise much greater caution when meeting a new man.

The trouble is, if someone rushes in and it goes wrong it can be horrendous. If someone is a bit cautious and it all works out, not much is lost.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 23:18

So how many years should go by for anyone to spot an abuser? surely then they can wait three years and still move in after that and be abusive, by that logic? what is she supposed to do but trust her instincts and her family's, and possibly give it a bit more time? her ex was abusive before dd could get attached, btw. She left him soon after that even though they had a child together. Maybe Op deserves a bit more credit for not tolerating abuse?

Wowserz129 · 23/08/2012 23:18

I think use are getting way ahead of yourselves suggesting that OP partner is showing signs to being abusive. OP has hardy told us anything about him and the fact they are moving fast is not sufficient alone.

I think post suggesting the above are probably putting the OP off this thread as she was wanting opinions on whether they are moving too fast not whether her partner will turn into an abuser or take half her house.

Sassybeast · 23/08/2012 23:19

Your post of 22.58 told House to 'calm down' Hmm
You are starting to sound a little bit hysterical now........

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 23:21

I did not advise to change your name/attitude, it was someone else, I voiced my opinion about the posts being negative and it was up to you whether to carry on or not, I had an equal right to say what i thought and it was not agressive, and it was not giving you orders at all.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 23:21

You kept calling me bitter tonne. It was out of order. I'm not bitter. I'm married, good finances. I have nothing to be bitter about.

I was being practical and answering posts who addressed me or attacked me. Which is why it became repetitive.

Op may have a great life with this guy, who knows? But you can't ignore statistics. An abuse victim, especially one who has not had help is at significant risk of repeating the cyle. It makes you a target. Op has good assets. Double that risk again. She seems to have poor boundaries (not her fault common in abuse victims) times that risk by 10 again.

She needs to be more cautious and really thin, really think why her friends are negative. It's not because they want to piss on her parade.