Is this all too fast?

[IrrationalFear]

First and foremost I'm insanely happy with the way things are but the odd friend is making comments which is upsetting me. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I've recently bought a house (my own name on the deeds) and he is moving in with dd (2.3) and I in october phallus going to pay half the mortgage. We have regular family days out with both sides of the family and we've talked about marriage in a year or two. Looking back it feels like we've been together forever not just since January. Sounds corny but we adore each other and are so excited about our future. Why are my friends being so negative?

Just read the other thread. What is going on OP as it seems one of the threads are incorrect?

if they are not moving together for another 9/10 months then she has plenty of time to observe him - in total over a year. And he CAN'T claim any significant portion of the house, they aer not married and even after a short (few years ) marriage he couldn't unless her income is way higher than his.

Oh just seen a typo in other thread. Yes sorry been together since she was 17 months (not 7!) at the dating/seeing each other stage and became a proper couple 7 months ago. My dd is 27months.

OP probaby made a mistake with dd's age in the property thread, and as the question there was about dd, it wasn't relevant who pays mortgage and how etc, may have just simplify saying they are buying together.

.

*simplified

Like a tonne.

You don't understand do you? The same as all the other go for it romantics.

Op had a horribly abusive relationship. This new man has come along after 7 months tends to see her dd at night, has taken her on as his own, promised the earth.

It's NOT just about the house. The whole thing, house included is very screwed where boundaries are concerned.

Which is a huge thing when someone has been in an abusive relationship as it puts them at higher risk of history repeating itself.

House - I DO hear you, I do! I'd be interested to hear what you'd do if you were me.

yes, boundaries with dd are possibly too close too soon. But before that it was all about him getting a house (andyou said it also in your last long post) so I'm stating what the law is on that.

the house

i'm with houseofplain.

sorry op. i think you need to take a step back. why the rush?

i got engaged to my dh after 8 months. married after 14 and we're happy as larry.

the difference?

i didn't have a dd. nothing to lose.

there is no way i'd be doing the same in your shoes.

one thing i'd VERY STRONGLY recommend that you do is phone up his ex. don't tell him you're doing it. just find out her side of the story.

But tonne yes it was as that is the only point I could raise? God forbid bitter old me, the man hater raised suspicions about op being an abuse victim eh? Due to the boundaries.

What I'd do? I've been you......

I wouldn't have moved in within 7 months. No. I met men, many men. Who were keen to play dad, look after them whilst I worked, do the "give mum a rest thing".

When I looked deeper it suited them to be with me. Negative equity, emotionally screwed, wanted a family, you name it.

I met someone. Kept them away from dc's for 6 months. Introduced slowly. Then more and more. Until we moved in and got married after two years. I also checked that we were financially matched and bringing similar to the table. Kinda important when you've got a wedge on a property which is for your dc's fututre. As its not worth muddying the water.

He agreed to all of this. He waited as well. My 2 children I had don't see their Dad. His own doing. But my dh never rushed "into playing Dad". He never had dc's before I met him either. He gave me space. As I had to make sure I wasn't rushing headlong into another bad situation for me and the kids.

FWIW all the ones I knew who wanted to play "DAD" were emotionally needy and were looming to fill a void. They had abusing red flags all over them.

I don't know if you've had any counselling or anything for your abuse. But a man who escalates at break neck speed, with all the hearts and flowers, especially when it's not just your boundaries, but your child's. Are ones to be very wary of.

Sounds like you have had a hard time with your ex OP and I am sorry for that.

Perhaps you could move in by yourself for the first few months and if things are still great he could move in?

There is nothing quite like your own independence and it might be a good thing to have some time in your new house with just you and dd.

OP You asked why your friends are being so negative. Hopefully this thread has at least answered this. You have had an abusive relationship. You are understandably eager to be happy. To have a 'normal' family life.
You are rushing into this. This eagerness to create a family. DP taking on DD as his own after 7 months?
Slow down. Take it easy. What's the rush? Settle in with DD for a year or so and then look at him moving in. Don't present him as a de facto father, it's too early for that, for him and her.
That's what I'd do if I was you.

It doesn't matter whether his name goes on the Land Register as a legal owner of your home, if he contributes financially by paying a proportion of your mortgage, he may have a claim for beneficial ownership of part of your property. "Beneficial ownership" means that although only your name is on as a legal owner, you hold part of the property for him in trust.

Calling it "rent" will not change this position. There are many cases where the non-owning party made NO financial contribution but, for example, paid for all the bills while the "owner" paid all the mortgage, and the non-owner has still been entitled to a share.

The only way to avoid this is to get him to sign a co-habitation deed stating that although he will live in it, he has no claim over your property. You should get independent legal advice on this.

It's wonderful that you have such a great relationship. However, do not relax into it too much without protecting your rights over the property, as on the basis of this thread, it's quite likely your OH will end up with a claim over it should you split. Google the landmark cases of Stack v Dowden and Oxley v Hiscock.

OP I also saw the red flags - hence my earlier question about your Ex, and his input into DDs life. Are the friends with the resrvations the ones who know about the abuse by any chance ?

The aftermath of an abusive relationship is a very difficult time. And I do agree with House and her references to the desire to have a 'happy' family. To prove tot he world that you're 'normal' and to show your Ex what he's lost. But this is all too much too soon. My first 'proper' relationship after an abusive 15 year marriage was all hearts and flowers. A real boost. Until, after about 6 months, he started talking about taking the kids to Disneyland. My kids - who he'd never met, and HIS kids, who'd I'd refused to meet because I knew it was too soon. Huge red flag, and one that sent me running for the hills. Too anxious to play happy families, too needy, and I suspect, wanting to throw 2 fingers to his ex wife.

Buy your house, move in with your daughter, and enjoy your relationship for what it is at the minute. Take 1 day at a time but slow it down for you and for your baby girl.

but her partner already agreed to sign any documents regarding the house, Boon, I assume they would include 'no claim', other posters given examples of how it's done.
House, I can see that people can be anxious for OP, but to be fair she didn't stay with her for more than a couple of months of him becoming abusive, so she is a strong person and she learned the patterns of abusive behavioue by now. If she was stucj in abusive marriage for years, I'd worry much more. Anyone can encounter abuse even after a few years with the same man, so how many years should she wait to check every man? also surely her family would have sensed something off if he was dodgy, andthey all meet up a lot. The way you aer going it's easy to spoil a good thing too, they aer not moving together for another 9 mnth so why such negativity? I agree with one thing that he shouldn't be getting up at ight for dd, just on the safe side (not because he's abusive but purely so that dd doesn't get attached too soon) so if things go wrong within months, dd isn't finding it hard to un-attach.

7 months is too soon to (a) bring someone into your child's life as a permanent fixture and (b) expose yourself financially in this way.

Yes he has a flat etc, but for all you know he could be in masses of debt, have a dodgy financial past.

I'm sure that you will move in with him and I hope it all works out.

*with her ex

How can she spot the signs of abuse? When she does not have good boundaries. bangs head

tonne of bricks - your posts seem really odd. Do you know the OP well? If not you seem to be projecting alot of things you could not possibly know from her posts onto her

I go by what she said - maybe you haven't read all the posts. what exactly do I mention that wasn't mentioned by OP?
I'm not the only one on here who thinks you some posters aer too negative. A woman gave example of moving in soon with her P (and her small dd) and it all working.
I do balance my opinions with advising to sign documents and not let him care for dd at night, I'm not one sided like some of you (=purely negative, poor bloke would be HORRIFIED if he read this!)
House because she has experience of it?! !also not everyone with vague boundaries gets unlucky and ends up with abuser. He can gebuibely be a kind caring person. Also, why aer you ignoring hte fact htat you aer not moving in together for another 9 mnth?

*that they are not moving in

Bricks this example you give, she didn't have a dd from an abusive relationship.

I have read the whole thread remember I was the one who was being personally attacked by loads for being a bitter old sceptic. Got forbid I'd raised the possibility of her being an abuse victim.

Fwiw one of the most important things for a victim of abuse to do, is get very stong boundaries. Understand how it happened, why and get help to understand normal protective boundaries.

A previous victim, with weak boundaries is vulnerable to meeting another abuser. They sense it.

I'm dismayed that you said this also not everyone with vague boundaries gets unlucky and ends up with abuser

You've missed the point :( its a dangerous comment.