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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this all too fast?

297 replies

IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 12:39

First and foremost I'm insanely happy with the way things are but the odd friend is making comments which is upsetting me. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I've recently bought a house (my own name on the deeds) and he is moving in with dd (2.3) and I in october phallus going to pay half the mortgage. We have regular family days out with both sides of the family and we've talked about marriage in a year or two. Looking back it feels like we've been together forever not just since January. Sounds corny but we adore each other and are so excited about our future. Why are my friends being so negative?

OP posts:
Wowserz129 · 23/08/2012 17:44

Not everybody is gushing OP!!

Is it pheasable that the majority of posters think moving in together is fine so long as house is secure for op and her and her family are happy without gushing?

Yes op posted for opinions but that doesn't mean you have to go on like a broken record.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 17:44

also you aer hardly being 'attacked', if people disagree it's as much their right as your to disagree then. And if you can call them flippant then can't complain if htey see you as bitter/too cynical. It's a normal way of debate on Mn, but I think it should be taken into account when OP becomes upset with one poster.

Wowserz129 · 23/08/2012 17:45

*gushing to op

Wowserz129 · 23/08/2012 17:46

Agreed pickles, let's take a break for some tea and cake

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:52

Generally pickles if you do personally attack people and confuse difference of opinion, for anything else. Or the thread on a thread thing. Then yes you will lose the battle (your words) as its you that's in the wrong and it's bad netiquette.

Remember you are the ones who started all the personal attacks....not me. Don't do it in fututre and be surprised people answer you back.

akaemmafrost · 23/08/2012 18:07

I think it's too soon for him to have met your kid and inappropriate for him to be getting up with her in the night not because I think he's a paedophile but there seems to be this desperation to play happy families and I don't think you're putting your dd before that. It feels wrong to me. I think it's been asked already but what is her Dads take on all this? Not sure I would be too happy if some woman my ex was with for 7 months was getting up with my child. Just feels odd to me and I thought it as soon as I read it.

Legally I don't think it's an issue as long as you take the right steps to protect you and your dd. Not sure you will though as you seem unwilling to take anything on board that doesn't fit into your plans.

The whole thing just doesn't sit right. He may be the perfect man, you may end up being the perfect couple and family but it's far too soon imvho. I feel sorry for your dd who had no choice or awareness of the massive choices you are making for her life.

Abitwobblynow · 23/08/2012 18:15
  1. What is his relationship history like, has he remained on good terms with the ex if there is one or has he slagged her off to you more than once?.
  1. When you argue or disagree, how is it resolved? How does he deal with conflict?
  1. Talk to the ex. Seriously.
Wowserz129 · 23/08/2012 18:30

I missed the bit where you said he gets up with her in the night. That doesn't sit right with me for the reasons akaemma.. Said.

JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 18:35

If he is paying half the mortgage do you think he has a claim on your house if it all goes wrong?

MardyArsedMidlander · 23/08/2012 18:55

Three years ago you were (presumably) having a baby with another man who you thought you'd be with forever.
Why not just enjoy your independence a bit?

EnjoyResponsibly · 23/08/2012 19:01

I have to say that generally speaking, if my friends care enough abut something to speak up, especially in the negative or urging caution it's usually worth giving headspace to.

I knew I had a keeper in DH from day 1, didn't stop me being wrong about a lot of keepers before that.

Since the whole arrangement with DP is so good, what exactly would be the downside to waiting until you've moved you and DD in and got settled.

If DPs such a great fella he'll understand right?

EnjoyResponsibly · 23/08/2012 19:02

Well put Mardy, I was going to post similar but my maths was failing me Grin

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 19:03

JustFab, he hasn't got his name on the deeds and pays money into her own private account. I'd say he trusts her so it's not one-sided (just she trusts him).

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/08/2012 19:14

OP, I can give you loads of personal examples of friends and family who have moved in together or got married v soon after meeting and it has all worked out brilliantly. The only difference is that none of them had children to bring into the equation.

Protect yourself legally, so that if things don't work out you are in a good position. Also talk to the lawyer about what you would want to happen in other situations (eg who would live in the house and look after your daughter if you fell under the wheels of the proverbial bus?)

Life is for living, and your DP sounds brilliant. But do listen to what your friends are saying, and take steps to reassure them that you are being sensible and level headed about financial etc stuff

JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 19:20

The money is still being used to pay half the mortgage.

Original poster
IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 19:51

No Mardy far from it. My ex was physically abusive to me during my pregnancy. He wasnt someone I'd ever have wanted to be with forever and he hasn't seen either dd or I since she was 2 weeks old.

I've returned to the thread after a few hours away and I'm saddened to find its taken such a sour turn by large. Id like to thank everyone for all your posts both negative and positive. For the former, I appreciate concerns re legalities and I've taken this on board loud and clear. I have made an appointment with my family's solicitor. To those who have been positive, thank you for being so encouraging. Biased yes, but I regard dp as nothing but a very kindhearted, loving man with absolutely no agenda other than to love and treasure both myself and dd. He's taken dd on as his own and she absolutely adores him. As above in this post, her real father was violent towards me during my pregnancy and has not laid eyes on her since she was two weeks old. I've been wise enough already "just incase" to put my own name on deeds and mortgage and he has been totally understanding and supportive of that, similarly he is willing to partake in any legal documentation to support all of us. I apologise that this thread has been somewhat sour. I posted initially to get views on the rapidity of it all, not to hear posts that my dp is money grabbing or deceitful which is most hurtful. So on this note, once again thank you to everyone who responded. Em x

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 19:55

The fact you have been a victim of abuse is even more concerning tbh. I guessed it but didn't want to say. To antagonise people even more.

This has moved alarmingly quickly. He wants to move in with you, has taken your dd on as his own and gets up its their in the night as "daddy" after only 7 months! Where are the boundaries?

Red flags are all over this..

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 19:55

*gets up with her in the night

Original poster
IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 20:04

Someone earlier posted that they bought a house with their dp within 6 WEEKS of meeting. My home is on a new development still yet to be completed so it'll be 9/10 months into our relationship that we move in. God knows why I'm justifying myself to you. Sigh.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 20:08

You don't understand do you?

You have a lot to lose. A very valuable house with lots of equity. You've come from a very abusive relationship.

You've now met a man. Who in 7 months. Is promising you the earth, moving in, taken your dd on as his own and tends to her in the night.

You genuinely do not see the boundary problems here do you? The red flags? The risk of history repeating itself? I KNEW you'd been in an abusive relationship as there are no boundaries here. But like I say, I wanted you to say it. So I wasn't accused of "bringing things into it that are not there".

That person didn't have a young dd, from a very abusive relationship.

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 21:14

OP please listed to the posters here who are advising caution. Forget about your house for a second and focus on the fact you having a beautiful dd who needs your protection. You have just come from an abusive relationship, why rush into something else? If he's right for you he will still be around in a year, 2 years whatever it takes for real trust to be gained
Your desperation for a relationship really comes across in your posts - talk of being 'insanely happy' etc. Its all very well when you only have yourself to look after but your main concern has to be your daughter. Please take a step back and think about it

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 21:23

By the way have just seen your other thread here where you say you and your bf have bought a house together and have been together 20 months so not sure whats going on here??

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 21:25
Hmm
DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2012 21:37

"The partner claimed against the property and was awarded a share based on residency and contribution. Pretty shocking"

I don't know - I mean, depending on how long they had been together it's not really that shocking is it? If you were in a committed relationship for many years and then your spouse died wouldn't you want to be able to claim something for all the years you'd paid the mortgage/rent/repairs etc?

I guess if you were to go to the trouble of legal action it must be really worth it.

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2012 21:41

ooh, xpost. is this a wind-up. there we are then.

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