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Original poster

Is this all too fast?

297 replies

IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 12:39

First and foremost I'm insanely happy with the way things are but the odd friend is making comments which is upsetting me. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I've recently bought a house (my own name on the deeds) and he is moving in with dd (2.3) and I in october phallus going to pay half the mortgage. We have regular family days out with both sides of the family and we've talked about marriage in a year or two. Looking back it feels like we've been together forever not just since January. Sounds corny but we adore each other and are so excited about our future. Why are my friends being so negative?

OP posts:
lineupyourarmies · 23/08/2012 15:58

You asked if it was 'all too fast ' in your OP.

I would say 'yes' and I would say 'yes' based on my own experience of this kind of thing.

My mantra is 'do nothing for a year ... ' - no mingling of finances, no moving in, no meeting the kids. I am also 7 months into a new relationship and this is a rule I abide by. Sounds dull but trust me, the alternative is worse.

However, this is your life and your choices. He sounds nice so do what you want to do.

But you posted for a reason. And you got answers that you don't appear to like.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/08/2012 15:59

It is rather quick to have brought this man into your dd's life, imo, but it's a bit late for that now. If it was just you I'd say that 7 months is a short period of time to know someone before setting up home, but not necessarily a crazy one.

wrt the house (as in your home, not the rain-on-your-parade poster) please do seek out legal advice. His name might not be on the deeds, but there are repercussions to him having made contributions.

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 16:03

I tend to agree with House. Your friends know you well so are better able to gauge if there is cause for concern and they obviously think there is. If there wasn't a child involved I'd say go for it but your dd shoiuld be your main concern. Why move in so fast, 7 months is nothing, you hardly know him
Its all very well to take risks with your own life choices but when there are kida involved I think you should be more cautious

Original poster
IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 16:08

Please don't instigate that what I'm doing is wrong for my child. I'm doing right by her in that I've bought a home (virtually outright) to provide her with security and stability. And at 25 and living in London I'd say that's a damn good achievement that I'm more than proud of.

OP posts:
lineupyourarmies · 23/08/2012 16:11

why did you post, incidentally, if you didn't want to hear all view points?

SimoneD · 23/08/2012 16:12

Maybe you should think twice about moving someone who is to all intents and purposes a stranger into that home then.Most of my friends who have children wouldn't have even introduced a new partner to their kids at 7 months.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 16:18

Nice little earner for him then a house outright in london you say?

Sassybeast · 23/08/2012 16:21

Too much, too soon, and don't kid yourself that you are putting your daughter first.
I wouldn't even be introducing a new partner to a child until at least 6 months into a relationship.
But you're going to do it all anyway so for your daughters sake, I hope it all goes well.

Tressy · 23/08/2012 16:21

So if your mortgage is tiny then he isn't contributing that much after all. I would be careful that you protect the equity that you have in the house first and foremost. If anything happened to you, you would want it to go to your DD right? Get legal advise before he moves in.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/08/2012 16:22

You've done astonishingly well by her; please don't lose all that you've worked so hard for by allowing this man to move in without having first taken proper legal advice.

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2012 16:23

my boyfriend moved into my house less than a month after I bought it, we'd been together for about 10 months (though I was living with an ex the whole of that time) - there were no kids but we now have one together, are married, he pays half of everything. I still only have my name on the deeds, he rents out his flat. It's all fine.

littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 16:23

If it's only 3 people and everyone else is positive, why are you even asking here?

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2012 16:25

"please don't lose all that you've worked so hard for by allowing this man to move in without having first taken proper legal advice"

what kind of legal advice? Is the OP going to put his name on the deeds? If not then does he actually have a legal claim over any of it? I don't think so.

KrisKross · 23/08/2012 16:37

If you've bought your house virtually outright then him paying half the mortgage can't be much.

Nice little earner for him, the rent he gets on his flat.

Then half of virtually nothing to you, and paying bills which he would have been paying anyway had he carried on living alone.

He'll end up in profit each month I'd guess.

I dunno, to me it all seems too quick and heavily weighted financially in his favour.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 16:39

His name is NOT going on hte deeds at least until they marry (and maybe not even then but that's a different topic), thay aer not rushing into marriage. All OP needs to do it make a will before he moves in that hte house is left for her dd, just in case. I always said that she should ask a solicitor re his comtributions and they already discussed him signing some documents (probably that he doesn't have any claims) - it's only fair he gets his money back towards mortgage (or some of it) if OP wants to split up. Bit otherwise he has no claim to the house at all!

Waspie · 23/08/2012 16:41

DuellingFanjo - He could have a legal claim on her property if they were to split, or if OP were to die, he can prove he has been paying towards the mortgage and upkeep. Two solicitors (confirmed by the solicitors on the Legal area of MN) told me that when I posted about my partner moving into my house. I wanted to ensure that if anything happened to me my son would inherit my property and not aquire a sitting tenant or someone who would have any right over my home.

As a result we drew up a "lodger" agreement (not a tenancy agreement because a tenancy confers rights) and a co-habitation agreement. Both could be overturned by a court of course but I wanted the chances of that to be as minute as possible. I also ensured that he paid nothing toward the mortgage or house upkeep and did nothing that would have allowed him to claim that he somehow "added value" to my property like DIY.

I'm not sure what the OP wants from this thread apart from lots of people to say "oooh, how lovely...congratulations" and gush a lot. Personally I'd rather have my friends and family tell me how to protect my property for my child.

OneMoreChap · 23/08/2012 16:43

As I said, also ask the building society. I had to specifically agree no claim on the building societies security...

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 16:45

Kris but he also is contibuting to her dd's nursery fees and the bills aer higher than they would be in his flat living by himself!
some people are extremely cynical without seeing the facts - he couldn't claim any of his money back if they split before marrying!
they met each other's families and all are happy, yes it maybe a bit fast, but it doesn't mean it's not genuine, they just hit it off. I think there is a bit of bitterness from some posters based on their owm experience, but you have to be able to be pleased for others!
No one said what would she actually lose - that's because the answer is nothing. The WORST case scenarion is that she wants to split and he wouldn't move out but that can be resolved through court fairly easily and is extrenely unlikely that he would want the unpleasantness.
I think it's horrible how people speculate on him getting 'an eraner' when he spends a lot of time and money on OP and her dd - unfair and a quite vile! He could be single and spending just on himself.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/08/2012 16:45

That's the kind of thing I had in mind, Waspie.

Original poster
IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 16:49

I have made an appointment with my solicitor for tomorrow morning to address any legal issues.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 16:49

Waspie nut if he is not officially paying mortgage but pays privately into her account that's not recognised as comtribution. And i did mention the will, which IS advisable to do properly.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 16:49

*but, not nut

Yummymummyyobe1 · 23/08/2012 16:54

OP if you are happy then it is not to quick at all. My DP and I were together less then weeks when we bought our home together (he stayed with me most nights) and then around 8 weeks into our relationship DS was conceived. People thought we were nuts but we are happy and once my divorce is through (XH was out of the picture before DP and I started our relationship) will be gettin married.

I say go for it Smile

Yummymummyyobe1 · 23/08/2012 16:54

less than should have said less then 6 weeks.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 16:54

Fwiw I am married and we are both "well off" so no bitterness. Projection much bricks?