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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this all too fast?

297 replies

IrrationalFear · 23/08/2012 12:39

First and foremost I'm insanely happy with the way things are but the odd friend is making comments which is upsetting me. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I've recently bought a house (my own name on the deeds) and he is moving in with dd (2.3) and I in october phallus going to pay half the mortgage. We have regular family days out with both sides of the family and we've talked about marriage in a year or two. Looking back it feels like we've been together forever not just since January. Sounds corny but we adore each other and are so excited about our future. Why are my friends being so negative?

OP posts:
Pickles77 · 23/08/2012 17:16

No house not really. It's a bit funny how your upsetting everyone here. Why keep causing controversy everywhere? You have your views yes, but stop going on and on when people disagree. Your in the minority here.

Proudnscary · 23/08/2012 17:18

I don't think Houseofplain or others are being bitter or unfair or harsh.

Of course you can fall in love within seven months but it takes a couple of years and a good few ups and downs and challenges and life's hurdles to really test your partner's mettle.

Young, free and childess - absolutely go for it and bloody good luck to you.

With a child - no.

Why rush into it?

I get very cross on Mumsnet when women are urged to 'go with their hearts' when children are involved.

My parents 'went with their hearts' and we had an awful time of it - and I'm not talking about dozens of partners or abuse, simply two unhappy households with a lot of people who didn't really know each other. It was stressful and damaging.

DixieD · 23/08/2012 17:18

Oh perfumed I was thinking similiar. Glad you said it first. TBH I wouldn't be concerned about the financial implications too much. If he is only entitled to what he contributed then there is nt much risk. And what risk there is remain te same regardless of length of relationship.
However OP I do think you have rushed into this far to fast considering you have child. 7 months and not only has he met her and stayed overnight but is also getting up with her at night? He his paying her nursery fees? Why? What does her father think of this? Because if i split from DH and I was letting a new partner get up and care for DC at night he would be fuming. It is just not appropriate.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:18

If op is upset. She should have asked such open questions if she didn't want answers she couldn't handle.

You pickles are the only one along with others personally attacking. So you have no "right" to be upset. I'm the bitter one remember?

Pickles77 · 23/08/2012 17:21

I'm not upset! I'm just getting the feeling your posts upset people. I'm not the only one. Your entitled to your opinion yes. But it seems you go against the grain on purpose.
People are going to start ignoring threads and not helping vulnerable people.
Maybe a name change and attitude change would be a idea Hmm

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:23

I don't go against the grain at all. Why would I change my name. WHO do you think you are?

My post was one of the first on here. My views were clear. I believe in what I say. I won't back down and change to all "go for it sweets xxx" because a lynch mob tells me I'm bitter.

Pickles77 · 23/08/2012 17:25
Hmm
likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 17:25

POunds, the thing is you may never really know someone if you don't live together. Even in years. If it doesn't work he can move out, can't he? yes, it's not good for the child if this happens (if she gets attached to him) but the divorces happen even with a father of a child, let alone with a non-father. I think it's beeter to try living together before marrioage than jumping into marriage if dc involved. It's too late to advise that he shouldn't have met dd yet - he has and advice should be accordingly. It doesn't have to a bad thing. Children can't be completely sheltered whatever you do - seeing hr mum happy surely is good for her! and remember OP's family are happy with the guy!

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:26

You are the one who brought in personal attacks pickles and cross references from threads. We have different view points 'tis all.

Don't start getting your halo out. You have no right to tell people they are bitter, they should change their name and attitude.

So drop it.

Pickles77 · 23/08/2012 17:27

You tickle me!Hmm

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:29

Hmm don't personally attack if you don't want to be called on it pickles. I won't be mn lynch mobbed.

Pickles77 · 23/08/2012 17:30

Oh get over yourself Ffs. I find you amusing actually.

As you were Hmm

Proudnscary · 23/08/2012 17:30

'If it doesn't work he can move out can't he?' So err, that's a great solution and a great exercise in stability for the dd isn't it?

Of course one has to take risks in life and we all deserve to be happy but when we have children we must put their needs, their security, stability and safety first.

As for the old 'children are happy if their parents are happy'...

That may be true when people are being very honest with themselves about what that means - ie the parent is in a good head space, feeling healthy and happy and devoted quality time to their kids.

What it sometimes means is 'I'm madly, battily in love and swinging from lamposts so surely my kids are wildy happy too!'. When of course they are not.

I'm not really addressing the OP in particular here, I am just saying that it is not always ok and commendable to follow your heart and 'go for it.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 17:31

HOuse, of course you aer entitled to your views, but I never understand hte posters who upset Op in some way (mainly as you refuse to acknowledges ANY positive points to balance your view) and then persist and persist instead of just saying their opinion a few times and then leaving it be, so that OP can not feel attacked, and can see all the opinions equally, without one person drumming the drum too much. After all it's their post, id something upsets them then it's gracious to leave it, as your opinions are still out there to consider. That's what i would want on my threads.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:32

Hmm.

Wowserz129 · 23/08/2012 17:33

Some posters are coming across very bitter and dramatic about this situation.

Since when did moving your boyfriend in turn into you will lose your house.

OP is happy, she is going to get legal advice and make sure the house is protected. her boyfriend is contributing money wise and her family are happy!!

What is the problem?!

DixieD · 23/08/2012 17:33

OP You say your friends are concerned because of length of time of relationship? Is this because you have a child or just in general? Do they think he has become too involved with your daughter.
And tbh family often no a lot less than friends in these situations. My sisters P is a dick. Her friends don't like him. They are the ones that see the 15/20 calls/texts a night checking up on her. Hear the berating phone calls if she doesn't answer or sounds like she's had more than the permitted amount of drinks. I know because I know them. My folks don't have a clue. Think the sun shines out of his arse.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:34

Well no I'm sorry like...see if posters like yourself will come on and personally attack people, call them bitter. Then they will, if they believe what they are saying respond back.

So there is a lesson there for you too.

I strongly think saying to op "Hun go for it xxxxxxx" is doing her and her dd a massive disservice and she has a lot to lose. So I will air that view. Then defend my right to do so without being attacked.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 17:35

Pounds, i agree sometimes 'happy' means the wrong thing, but I can't see it with OP. She hasn;t isolated herself with the new P, they spend time together a LOT with families on both sides and dd of course is always involved.

combinearvester · 23/08/2012 17:36

I advise friends who are moving in together where one party owns the house to draw up a living together agreement:
static.advicenow.org.uk/files/livingtogether-agreements-2010-867.pdf

I would advise the same whether you'd been together 7 months or 7 years.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 17:38

yes, i see that House, but you were going on a lot BEFORE postres started calling you bitter, you did upset OP by then, and didm't comment on positive pints, only the negative possibilities.

likeatonneofbricks · 23/08/2012 17:41

House to be fair no one said 'just go for it', we all advised to confirm it all with the lawyer , I advised on the will (just in case, even though I'm not an expert on wills), I asked whether he is going on the deeds, and others pointed out things. It's unfair to accuse others of being flippant, and that provoked them being more outspoken with you personally.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:43

No like. I had people asking me about my posts. I was online so I responded. Suggestions of negative, bitter, I think one poster called everyone who disagreed dumb and blind.

So challenge people like that. They will respond.

Op didn't like my view. She should not have posted a question or two which would garner a wide array of responses.

Houseofplain · 23/08/2012 17:44

People have been flippant.

Pickles77 · 23/08/2012 17:44

Your on a loosing battle ladies Confused