I resent the CRAZY situation we are in! When will life get easier?

[LifeHope11]

I have posted before but just to summarise my situation again:

I have a severely disabled DS who has had recent major surgery.

My DH is under stress because of this, also because his DM suffers from dementia. I do tend to get the brunt of it when it all becomes too much for him. MIL is abroad now but will be coming back later in the year & he is organising a care home for her.....siblings live abroad so it will all be down to him.

I suffer from epilepsy which is under control at present....also have had depression which has responded to medication. I have had a hard time (was also made redundant recently) was near suicidal for a while and very near the brink.....I felt my sanity was under threat! But I have been better recently.

I have just started a new job, however in the few weeks I have been there my boss (who recruited me!) has left, and as of today my boss's boss has resigned. So I have nobody to report to direct & my position feels insecure all over again.

DH has also had problems at work......has been shouted at today by his boss because of some mistake he made. I don't think it is acceptable for him to be treated in this way especially as they know his circumstances. Now he feels insecure too and very distressed.

I have recently been offered a place on the course I applied for to get a professional qualification....but feel selfish for planning this when my family are going through so much. There is a limited window of opportunity to pursue this so postponing is not an option.

When does life ever get easier? I have got so used now to feeling snowed under with problems, I have to keep my sanity intact somehow! How do I cope with all of this?

I think you should go ahead with the training because it will keep you well and strong.

go on the coure.

To be blunt, you will cope as there is no alternative. However you must look after yourself too. Definitely do your course, it could be just the thing you need to remind you that you have coped with a lot and yet you are still moving forwards.

All the very best, your family are lucky to have you.

you sound like youve had a horrid time!

last september, after a horrible few years i started an access course and as a result im off to uni in september.

i felt like i was being selfish but at the same time, it was a relief to be selfish for once, to do something for me. the whole family benifitted because i was happy and doing something with myself. i was hard but well worth it.

try it! you really wont know till you try. talk about it with your family but my guess is they'll support you.

Thank you all for your messages. Yes I think I will go on the course....I think I will always regret it if I don't, once it is too late.

cheesesarnie - congratulations & have a great time at uni! I wish you every success.

NatashaBee - you are right that I could turn this into an opportunity! I am kind of holding my breath to see what happens next at work as everything is in flux now.

However hard and stressful things are now it is also kind of exhilarating. lopsided - you are right that I can learn how much I can cope with. I feel that I am being stretched, the process of being stretched hurts however.

thankyou.
what is the course?

Hi cheesesarnie, I don't want to out myself too much but it is a topup postgrad qualification which would build on the one already held, leading to an MA.

Qualifications are wonderful because (unlike so many other things) once achieved they can never be taken away.

oooh exciting! try it!

and goodluck with it!

I am going ahead with the course, you are all so right & thank you so much for your advice and your kind words.

I have always lacked confidence & have wanted to have a significant place in the world but have never quite known how to achieve it. It is as though there is a little nugget of fear that eclipses my head and heart, and it is hard to see beyond it.

I also worry because I am rather 'mature' ie advanced in years. Don't get me wrong; I am quite happy being the age I am, I think I am generally OK as I am; it is my date of birth I hate...

I am a rather intriguing combination of arrogance and terror!

Yes and you are right NatashaBee that I can use it as an opportunity to tailor my job and take on new responsibilities....thank you so much for that, i really appreciate it.

I am brimming with ideas and feel that there is a lot I can bring to the place; I can see how things could work so much better & I could bring a lot to the place. But how to present that without being seen as an arrogant arriviste? I am a newcomer after all & the organisation somehow managed to be successful before I came.

These are the reasons why I hold back when I want to go for it; I am worried that everything I have to offer will be rejected when I offer it.

All I can say really is keep strong and good luck. Life is bloody shit sometimes but it will get easier.

Dear all

My DS - disabled, with severe learning difficulties, confined to a wheelchair - is far and away the happiest person I know. He can't enjoy very much at all - far less than what most of us enjoy - but he REALLY enjoys what he does enjoy. He just seems to love his life & I genuinely admire him. An 11 yo boy & I am in awe of him. I hadn't even had my tonsils out at his age; he has come through agonising major surgery not only smiling but grinning broadly.

I want to do him proud and pay for a good life for him as he richly deserves it. Anything exceptional about me is purely down to him. If you can help me be successful please do so. I want to stop caring about what people think of me as I believe it holds me back. Please tell me how to rid myself of false fear (ie fear of what other people think of me). Once and for all, such a fear has to die, I have to find a way to kill it. My life is an arduous journey and, emotionally, I have to travel light.

Thanks Mylittlepuds, I am trying to be strong ie locate the strength that is in me. Life truly does stink...I feel as if bucketload after bucketload of ordure is being poured over me. It is really hard to keep faith in myself as a worthwhile person throughout this.

Please respond if you can. Nothing I write is arbitrary, it is all carefully thought through, I am trying to articulate how I feel.

All you can do is to keep going. So you will get through this horrendous patch at some point although I understand when you're 'in it' it seems like you won't. You should most definitely do the course.

I think studying gave me confidence and a belief in myself.
it benefited the whole family!

as for being a mature student, I'm 34 and was one of the youngest on my access course .

as for what others think of you- i think that as you believe in yourself more, what others thinks gradually becomes less and less important!

your ds sounds lovely, which i am fairly certain has an enormous amount to do with his mother! stop putting yourself down!

Thank you cheesesarnie, I appreciate that so much.

I am a lot more 'mature' than you are (I mean purely in terms of my age....much much older than 34!!) but it is true that achievement through study brings confidence, something to be proud of for evermore.

Sorry but i am so stressed out this evening and feeling sad.

I have had a stressful 'headless chicken' day at work trying to get things organised....have come home to a depressed and strung out DH. He has been bathing DS (no mean feat, he has to be lifted in/out of the bath, washed & rinsed etc). DS has been at his most uncooperative & downright rude this evening, has splashed water everywhere, the bathroom is like a swimming pool.

DH had a run in with his DM (still overseas) angrily demanding to know why he hasn't called her, though he called her yesterday. She is coming back later than planned so he will have to reschedule all the Social Svcs appointments made....no definite return date though so he can't plan anything. He says he is dreading her coming back - not because he doesn't care, he does very much - but he can't face all the sorting out he will have to do on top of caring for DS and holding down a job he hates.

To be honest I am dreading her coming back too. Does that sound terrible?

Anyway when I arrived home this evening, DH popped round to MIL's flat to sort out her post, water her f---ing plants etc, leaving me to dry & dress DS. As soon as I had done so, DS (who is incontinent) soaked himself & his pyjamas so I had to do it all again. At least he wasn't in bed this time so I didn't have to clean & turn the mattress as happens frequently.

It is at times like these that I NEARLY think there is no point of it all....but of course there is & I know I should feel proud that I am coping with it. If life can be just bearable, with several things/people in it as sources of happiness, that will be enough for me.

Do you get any respite for ds? Regular respite (one night a week) has been a lifesaver for us tbh.

Hi saintly, we have respite but not as much, around 1 day a month with occasional overnight. It does help, but during school hols there has not been anything except what we fund ourselves......this has really been used to pay for his care while we work.

Respite is really hard to get at the moment (I am clinging onto ds1's care package which was set up before the credit crunch) but if you are finding things difficult it is definitely worth going back to SS. They are meant to provide support for parents who want to work as well (although this always seems news to them - and they don't support us), the law is on your side if you have the energy to take them on.

Yes indeed saintly....we need to push back & insist we need support. It does feel like just one more thing to do though. And I am really scared that when MIL returns we will be expected by SS to just cope. She can't live on her own & needs more support now.

DS woke up at the crack of dawn again & was playing up, so usual routine....clean him, dress him, make his breakfast, get myself ready for work despite interruptions then hand him over to carer (we pay for care during school holidays) and go to work. Just like what many of you do for your small DC....except that I have done this since he is small, do it now and will continue to do this FOR EVER. And now SS will want us to look after MIL too.

I don't know why I am posting here, am just trying to get my thoughts straight & maybe some advice on how to handle my life. I don't have a lot of fight left in me to take on many more battles. Maybe I am being foolish to think I can handle further education too? I do so want to do it though...but can't neglect DS. Certain people in my circle will accuse me of this, but they are not the people who are queuing up to offer help.