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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I resent the CRAZY situation we are in! When will life get easier?

207 replies

LifeHope11 · 21/08/2012 20:49

I have posted before but just to summarise my situation again:

I have a severely disabled DS who has had recent major surgery.

My DH is under stress because of this, also because his DM suffers from dementia. I do tend to get the brunt of it when it all becomes too much for him. MIL is abroad now but will be coming back later in the year & he is organising a care home for her.....siblings live abroad so it will all be down to him.

I suffer from epilepsy which is under control at present....also have had depression which has responded to medication. I have had a hard time (was also made redundant recently) was near suicidal for a while and very near the brink.....I felt my sanity was under threat! But I have been better recently.

I have just started a new job, however in the few weeks I have been there my boss (who recruited me!) has left, and as of today my boss's boss has resigned. So I have nobody to report to direct & my position feels insecure all over again.

DH has also had problems at work......has been shouted at today by his boss because of some mistake he made. I don't think it is acceptable for him to be treated in this way especially as they know his circumstances. Now he feels insecure too and very distressed.

I have recently been offered a place on the course I applied for to get a professional qualification....but feel selfish for planning this when my family are going through so much. There is a limited window of opportunity to pursue this so postponing is not an option.

When does life ever get easier? I have got so used now to feeling snowed under with problems, I have to keep my sanity intact somehow! How do I cope with all of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 22:31

DH has fallen asleep on the sofa downstairs, he is oblivious. If he dares to call me tomorrow I will slam the phone down on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 22:32

So he won't be oblivious (pissed) for very long.

OP posts:
TheSilverPussycat · 17/10/2012 22:33

Lifehope you are being emotionally abused, imho, and I speak as one who knows. Read the links or some of our posts on the EA thread - I am out and free quite recently but post there quite often, see if you agree. Of course I could be wide of the mark but somehow...

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 22:34

What upsets me is that he has spent the evening being the supportive brother/son and even put on a good show of being the considerate H. But in reality, when it comes to me any old shit treatment will do.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/10/2012 22:39

Who was he trying to impress with the 'good show' and what happened to end it?

TheSilverPussycat · 17/10/2012 22:40

That is one of the hallmarks of an abuser, lifehope, and it gives you spaghetti head, where you start to doubt yourself.

Here is the link come and join us

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 22:44

It was after we left and the two of us were walking home. No audience to impress any more. He has always looked up to his DSis so always at pains to please/impress her.....no problem with this at all & I think highly of her too. But the treatment he ha displayed to me is painful by comparison.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/10/2012 22:47

Is this the dsis that mil has been staying with? Had you been to mil's apartment for the evening?

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 22:48

Yes and yes.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/10/2012 22:56

I didn't realise mil was returning to the UK so soon - I thought you had another week's grace at least.

When did she return? Has the meeting with SS taken place?

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 23:02

She returned yesterday. SS meeting is to take place next week

DH idea is that SIL takes DS to the meeting with her.....DH will not be there, he will be at work. I suggested that this might not be a good idea because the meeting might be emotional/fraught and this might upset DS. Cue DH getting angry with me: 'why should it be fraught? Why are you making difficulties? I'm sick of you', storming off & leaving me in the road.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 23:06

Thanks for the link Silver, I am reading up on it. The question is what I do about it given that I want DS to have a secure home.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/10/2012 23:13

It goes from the sublime to the ridiculous, doesn't it? In proposing to parade take your ds to the meeting with SS, your dh has failed to consider the impact it may have on your son if his disabilities are used to demonstrate that caring for mil may be detrimental to him.

Together with his equally half-baked plan to take ds to the aiport with him to meet dsis/mil, your dh doesn't seem to have much of a grasp on reality given much thought to what is in your ds's best interests.

Is it intended that mil will be present at the meeting with SS? Will dsis be in attendance? When are SS going to be assessing mil in her own home?

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 23:19

Hi izzy, mil & sil will both be at SS meeting. I believe the assessment in her home will take place shortly though don't know exactly when.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 23:23

I am inclined to treat DH now with as much contempt as he has displayed for me. He may get rid of me as a result. I think he would be stupid to do so....but there is no law against being a moron.

I think he is quite capable of trying to cut me out of his & DS life (regardless of the damage to DS) just for the sake of being 'right'.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/10/2012 23:27

What is the state of play with mil? Does she accept that she needs a care package or sheltered accomodation/care home? Is she aware of what the meeting is about?

And your dh isn't proposing to be there himself even though what's decided may impact on your/his/ds's quality of life?

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 23:36

I don't know how much she is aware of, how she will be at the meeting is an unknown quantity. I agree DH should be there.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/10/2012 23:44

I can't see the need for mil/dsis or your dh, for that matter, to meet with SS presumably in their offices? when what's required is for SS to visit mil at home and assess her needs.

If mil isn't fully appraised of the purpose of the meeting, the potential for her to kick off should be obvious to your dh and expecting his dsis to cope with mil and ds is ludicrous.

Is this another scheme that requires ds to miss or be late for school?

izzyizin · 17/10/2012 23:52

How does mil seem to you?

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 17/10/2012 23:59

Not good....though some of it may be due to her long journey

OP posts:
TheSilverPussycat · 18/10/2012 00:05

Would like to second izzy (although have to admit to getting confused as to exactly what the situation was, I think it's clearer now.)

I am Shock that your DH won't be at the SS meeting - I just took it for granted that he would be. Has he pressed to be?

izzyizin · 18/10/2012 00:25

It's becoming apparent that your dh can't run a tap has limited organisational skills coupled with equally limited sensitivity to the needs of others.

As for cutting you out of his/ds's life to prove he's right a) he doesn't have a snowball in hell's chance of achieving that aim and b) it seems to me it would be more appropriate for you take action to cut him out of your home.

When dsis returns to her home there'll be a vacant bedroom at mil's and I see no reason why your not very 'd' h shouldn't move in with his mother and spend evenings/weekends with ds in your home.

I seem to recall that LifeHope's dh was instrumental in setting up the meeting with SS, Pussycat, and the fact that he's now delegated responsibility for attending to his dsis and is expecting her to wheel ds in while trailing mil in her wake beggars belief.

Has he always been a complete twat, LifeHope, or is it a role he's grown into since his dm's decline?

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 18/10/2012 07:37

He always had this problem side izzy, but stress (of which he has plenty)brings out the worse. Also it seems that my tolerance of this side of him has shrunk.

DH went off to work early and tried to act with me as if nothing was amiss. I was just wide awake enough to cold shoulder him, cue lots more anger about my 'attitude' and 'all I do is work my guts out for this family and this is what I get' and 'one day I will just walk away'.

So this is his take on it:
He is a wonderful DH and DF who due to stress occasionally acts out of turn, who wouldn't? I am a monster of intolerance for not understanding this and sucking it up.

He works hard (as if i don't?) and is devoted to the family (i'm not?) and should just take the rough with the smooth. I am a monster of ingratitude for getting hung up on a few cross words spoken in stress. He really doesn't understand why I am so upset, what is the fuss (me crying myself to sleep) all about?

The issue of SS meeting has not been addressed. DH will do what he is going to do, my views are an inconvenience and therefore mean nothing. Ditto my feelings. His idea of support is for me to fall in with his wishes and never question anything.

OP posts:
DutchOma · 18/10/2012 11:59

I'm glad SPC has linked you to the emotional abuse thread. Sorry you have to be there, but heyho.
Totally put your foot down about anybody taking ds anywhere. Where was he last night?
All you can do now is to take care of yourself and your ds, leave your NSDH to work out his own salvation.

Original poster
LifeHope11 · 18/10/2012 16:07

OK an update, DH called me today to apologise and to agree that DS will not attend the meeting as I don't want it. So I am very relieved. I know he is distraught about the state of his DM, she has deteriorated significantly which is upsetting for him - I just don't want to be the outlet and scapegoat for the additional stress.

I know that he is under immense pressure, will leave it up to him if he wants to attend the meeting himself....he just feels he wants to leave it to other people to handle and take some of that pressure away from him.

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