I resent the CRAZY situation we are in! When will life get easier?

[LifeHope11]

I have posted before but just to summarise my situation again:

I have a severely disabled DS who has had recent major surgery.

My DH is under stress because of this, also because his DM suffers from dementia. I do tend to get the brunt of it when it all becomes too much for him. MIL is abroad now but will be coming back later in the year & he is organising a care home for her.....siblings live abroad so it will all be down to him.

I suffer from epilepsy which is under control at present....also have had depression which has responded to medication. I have had a hard time (was also made redundant recently) was near suicidal for a while and very near the brink.....I felt my sanity was under threat! But I have been better recently.

I have just started a new job, however in the few weeks I have been there my boss (who recruited me!) has left, and as of today my boss's boss has resigned. So I have nobody to report to direct & my position feels insecure all over again.

DH has also had problems at work......has been shouted at today by his boss because of some mistake he made. I don't think it is acceptable for him to be treated in this way especially as they know his circumstances. Now he feels insecure too and very distressed.

I have recently been offered a place on the course I applied for to get a professional qualification....but feel selfish for planning this when my family are going through so much. There is a limited window of opportunity to pursue this so postponing is not an option.

When does life ever get easier? I have got so used now to feeling snowed under with problems, I have to keep my sanity intact somehow! How do I cope with all of this?

lifehope, good post. You seem to have got your priorities sorted. I think quite a few men don't run through a plan in their head, to check timing, and avoid unwanted consequences.

And you sound quite firm. Time to dig those heels in, we will all be behind you giving as much support as we can.

I've got a sinking feeling this is going to be a long response.

Firstly for the benefit of miltonia, from your previous threads I seem to recall that your mil's home is relatively close to that of your own as she has made her way to your address unaided and has arrived unexpectedly or unannounced at inconvenient moments, as it were.

As for your mil being placed in a care home, unless she is diagnosed/certified as being mentally incompetent to manage her own affairs she cannot be compelled to give up her own home in order to reside in a secure care facility merely for the convenience of her nearest and dearest.

From my own experience of caring for a lo with dementia, removing them from their usual surroundings may cause them confusion which can exascerbate their symptoms and I suspect that your sil has had a particularly trying time over the past months.

Given that your dh by virtue of being geographically closest to his dm has, by default or design, assumed the burden of his dm's care, you may take the view your sil has not in any way addressed the balance, so to speak, but you have not cared for your mil under your own roof 24/7 and it is my belief that your sil is to be commended for stepping into the breach and providing you/your dh with an extended period of respite from your mil's demands on your time.

Again from my own experience, restoring your mil to her own home may bring about a 'renaissance' of sorts in which case she may, to the casual observer, appear to be perfectly capable of managing alone without need of SS or other support.

If this should prove to be the case your dh, as his dm's closest relative in the UK, will need to press for a home care package which may simply take the form of a morning visit to ensure she is up/dressed/breakfasted and an evening visit to undertake the reverse with perhaps a lunchtime visit from meals on wheels if such service is available in her area.

Many facilities for the EMI have been axed but it may be your local council/municipal or regional local authority continues to fund day centres which your mil can attend and she'll be picked up from/returned to her home along with others from her locality who attend these units but, again in the absence of any formal diagnosis as to her mental state, she cannot be compelled to do anything she doesn't want to do.

Regardless of how your family conduct their affairs, IMO it is little more than courtesy for your dh to meet and greet his dm and dsis on their return to the UK in order to facilitate their onward journey to dm's home but, that said, I see no need or reason for your ds to be in attendance on a school day.

However, from what you have said, it would seem that your dh has already raised your ds's expectations of an early morning trip to the airport and, under the circumstances, I would suggest that, rather than dig your heels in, you take the line of 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' and accompany your dh to meet his dm/dsis with a view to returning your ds to your home in order that he doesn't miss his transport to school.

In partial conclusion, I doubt that the trip to the airport per se is the issue as I suspect that it has far more to do with what you believe any such trip will represent; namely that your dh will, as you see it, be once more at his dm's beck and call to the detriment of your own needs and those of your ds.

I hope the above will go some way to alleviate Oma's concerns as, in this and in my previous responses to your threads over the past 15 months, it has never been my attention to add to any guilt you may feel at being less than accepting of life circumstances that are far from unique.

As member of the 'middle' generation, you have what many would see as a duty of care to those in your family who are older and younger and it's my belief that if you do not find some way of being able to discharge these albeit onerous duties with good grace and humour you will inevitably add to those resentments that are constant throughout your threads.

For 'my belief' that if you do not etc etc please substitute my concern because throughout the last 15 months my concern has been that, although you've changed jobs, enrolled on a course of further studies, enjoyed some respite from the demands of your mil, and have generally pulled yourself out of the trough of despair which led you to play russian roulette with your health by not taking your prescribed meds to control your epilepsy, nothing much has changed for you.

To use 'my belief' in the proper context, this is because you have not altered your perception that the hand that fate has dealt you is intrinsically unfair and unjust. In this I'm inclined to agree with you but, ultimately, our lives are what we make them and only you can make the intolerable in your life tolerable.

You've done exceedingly well in extracting every last drop of SS provision for your severely disabled ds; he attends school and is collected from/returned to your home daily and you have overnight respite one day in 7 plus one week? during school holidays.

Unlike many other dps of severly disabled children, both your dh and yourself are able to pursue full time careers and, given that your dh is on board and in house so to speak, it cannot be said that you are 'caring in isolation' in the same manner as that of a single parent.

I trust you will believe that I am not in any way diminishing the challenges you have aready faced, or those that lie ahead of you, in hoping that you can find it in yourself to forgive your dh for those comments he made shortly after you gave birth to your ds and see him for what he is; a man driven by his upbringing to do the best he can for his ds, for his dm, and for his dw who may feel she's third or less on his list of priorities but who most probably occupies first place in his heart.

It's time to cut yourself some slack, Life, and cut your dh some too. What you've got on your plate is no more than many others have to contend with without benefit of first world social provision and while I'm not proposing that you become little Pollyanna overnight, a tad more looking at the good in your life may help you overcome what appears to be your tendency to look for the doom and gloom.

I appreciate that this thread may be your essential vent for those inevitable negative feelings that are engendered by having a severely disabled ds who, with the best will in the world, cannot emulate the majority of his peers and by your fears for his future after you've vacated this planet, but it seems to me that just a small shift in your outlook will bring about positive benefits for you and yours.

OK izzy I understand where you are coming from. I do appreciate your posts, want to consider this carefully so will respond later.

Well after a lot of reflection, I think I am OK with DH collecting SIL from the airport. I take your point izzy that it would be an act of kindness and consideration to her given the tough time she has had over the past months and the long journey...also is within the realm of normal gestures of support to family members. As I have pointed out I do not think it is an unreasonable thing to do in itself, but I am scared as to the precedent it sets for the future and the implications for all of us especially DH.

I actually do think very highly of SIL and am very much aware, as you point out, that the past months have been tough for her and she deserves our support. I know that DH will be there for his family and that is a positive thing. But I know what it has been like for SIL and what it has been like for us in the past (and yes we have had her at home before) and I am really scared for the future. I am scared that it will be intolerable and I am scared that DH will break down. I am also afraid that attention will be taken away from DS who rightly deserves it. Also I may well have 'first place' in DH heart but the fact is I am not sure. And even if I do, I don't think I can tolerate indefinitely being seemingly bottom of his priority list.

Whether I indeed have 'a duty of care to those in your family who are older and younger' is a matter of opinion and many disagree about the extent to which we are responsible for caring for elderly relatives when we have vulnerable children. I am accustomed to the view that our DC are our priority and the older generation provide for themselves; or if they can't then care is arranged for them by the 'middle' generation, which however does not compromise their own well being or that of our DC. Because everyone deserves to have a life.

'Our lives are what we make them and only you can make the intolerable in your life tolerable'. I think that is largely true but only largely - however much we strive to make the most of life and maximise our contribution to it (and we should), some things/situations may always be intolerable and remain so however much we strive to improve them; circumstances eventually reach a point where they are amenable to no further change.

You write of me that I have '.....changed jobs, enrolled on a course of further studies, enjoyed some respite from the demands of your mil, and have generally pulled yourself out of the trough of despair which led you to play russian roulette with your health by not taking your prescribed meds to control your epilepsy' and then conclude that 'nothing much has changed for you'; whereas I would argue that these in fact indicate profound changes to my attitude & outlook and I don't think they should be dismissed or minimised - not saying that was your intention but I have struggled very hard to improve things, I think with a good deal of success.

I am conscious of the fact that I have moaned and groaned a lot on these posts so I must have come across as very negative in my outlook generally. This must give a very skewed opinion of what I am as a person, I think I am at my very worst in some of these posts. But I have done a lot of whining so maybe that makes me by nature a whiner.

I have used this site as an opportunity to offload negativity in a safe (relatively safe) place - you may be right that a more profound shift in my outlook is needed, believe me I do want to get there. Maybe the negativity does feed on itself and offloading stimulates more of the same. But I do want my feelings to matter - however ugly they sometimes are. It feels threatening to me that some feelings are so awful, so negative, that they should be denied and squash. Suppose that my feelings just ARE, and that it is not right that they should be buried.

I know that there are a lot of people worse off than we are, I am not alone - but although my situation may not be unique it certainly feels it. Regardless, I have to deal with the burdens I have such as they are, and comparisons with those of others are superfluous. I think I have a fairly good grasp of the many fairly good things in my life but I am also very aware of what our position has cost us and what we have lost. EG yes we are very lucky to be able to work - but we don't have anything like the kinds of careers we could have, and are capable of having, if the past few years hadn't happened.

I don't quite know how to accomplish that shift in my outlook, which I would love to successfully make. I haven't been successful in locating a counsellor who can help so yes I freely admit that in this respect I am still floundering.

I certainly do not feel that our children have a duty of care towards us, although I am very grateful for any help (at times very considerable help) that they have given.
The difficult thing with dementia is of course that the ideas in their head are not always leading to them being safe.
There is no answer to that.
Your husband in the end has to make up his mind where his priorities lie and you will have to accept his choice.
I don't think it is fair of him to off load his 'dread' of his mother being back on you though, he is an adult who must find out what he wants to do for himself and take the consequences of his actions i.e. you not being able to cope and getting ill.

I was brought up DuchOma to believe i have no duty of care to the older generation but that that is not the same thing as not caring; instead what is given is given freely. My DM is independent as was my GM until it became impossible to live on her own; she lived to nearly 100 & I don't remember her asking for one single thing, making one single demand. And I don't think she was neglected or not placed at the very centre of the family; but she was there because we all wanted her there.

My DH can't help the way he feels & there is nobody else to talk to but me.

I think it must seem that I am talking 'at' this post rather than talking to the readers; I am sorry about that. I feel that I am dragging down everyone who reads this because there is no resolution to our situation. I know it appears that I am going around in circles, that must be frustrating to read about. But what would you do if you were me? Assuming we were taking all appropriate actions re arranging MIL care, sharing the burden with other family members, doing what is necessary to prioritise above my family, my and DH health, my work/career and above all my DS, what would be your next step if you were me?

There are a few sources of the terrible pain that won't be appeased and I don't know how to live with it. I have tried to get help on this but I think there are no answers to it so I will have to find a way to remove myself from it, call it the 'suffering' ghetto, go away and leave it to smoulder and get on with living life elsewhere.

Here are the things:

I was sexually assaulted during my school days, was quite nasty. Afterwards I self harmed several times at school. This involve razor blades on arms (I still have the scars) and culminated in a drugs overdose. I am so lucky not to be dead or brain damaged, was in hospital for a week.

I put all that behind me, went on to study/work though still felt on a step or two lower than everyone else. Met DH, thought unhappiness was over, he was (is) the love of my life.

Then DS arrived....after a textbook pregnancy, there he was premature with
severe disabilities. So I feel uniquely cursed, as though everything I touch turns bad. DS is just wonderful but that is despite me.

Shortly after we got DS home, DH got angry with me & thought I wasn't handling things efficiently enough. Cue the words 'You're useless' and 'I'll give this marriage a few months and if you don't get yourself together I'll be off'. I was upset because I had nearly died giving birth to DS (at one point was in genuine fear of dying: I don't recommend it; it changes you for ever and not in a good way)

Now I forgive DH entirely, understand he was under immense pressure too, he has apologised since. But I still think those words have done terrible damage to us as a couple. It is just a shame that they were said when I was at my most vulnerable. They have affected our relationship to this day.

I am again writing at the post rather than to the reader. Where to go from here though? I am genuinely mystified as to what more I can do but I may be missing the elephant in the room.

What action was taken against the person(s) who sexually assaulted you during your school days and did you receive counselling after the event or to address your self-harming?

Were you able to reach any realisation that it was not your fault and you did not in any way deserve to be assaulted because you were less worthy than others, nor did it occur because you had been cursed by fate or by some harsh and angry god that you had failed to appease/please?

Can you remember a time when you didn't feel 'less than' others? Did meeting/marrying your dh make you feel more 'equal'; more 'whole' and more blessed/less cursed?

As I understand it, you had your ds late in life. Did you give up a successful career to care him in his infancy? How old was he when you returned to work?

What is your ds' diagnosis/prognosis? Is he learning impaired? Does he need a wheelchair at all times or can he walk unaided or aided on occasion? Is it envisaged that he will be able to live independently in, say, a group home with resident staff when he has completed his education?

If there has been an elephant in the rooms of your various threads it is the negative thoughts and feelings you had, and may still have, on giving birth to a child with disabilities and you need to know that it's not unusual for parents in these circumstances to feel as if they have failed and to wonder why they have been singled out, as it were, to face this particular challenge, albeit there is no one size fits all answer to that particular question.

Your dh's words were cruel and thoughtless and, although he subsequently apologised and you've forgiven him, they may still ring in your ears and continue to have an adverse affect on your psyche to this day - and beyond.

This may manifest in a not dissimilar way to the story of Job when he clamed 'the thing he feared had 'come upon him' - the more time we spend 'fearing', the more we run the risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of nothing working out as it should and everything turning to dust in our hands, as it were.

It's entirely appropriate for your dh to express his fears to you just as it is for you to express yours to him but, due to those words he said so many years ago, you may fear that if you do so he will judge you unfairly. That is not a comfortable place to be, nor does it engender frank and easy conversation on matters that are closest to your heart. If you feel inhibited from sharing your innermost concerns with him, it may be that you would benefit from joint counselling if you are unable to confide in him without the help of a third party.

At the present time you have two immutables; the care you are required to give to meet your ds's needs and the care your mil will need until such time as she is willing, or her mental/physical health dictates, to make changes to the lifestyle she previously enjoyed.

If your mil has a degenerative disease of mind or body, asking how long she may require care from her family in the form of your dh, may be the equivalent of asking 'how long is a piece of string?' but you may find it more bearable if you accept that your dh's loyalty to his dm is such that he's likely to 'run around after her' and that she will most probably arrive on your doorstep at unexpected and inconvenient times for the foreseeable future and try to go with the flow.

If you allow any feeling of being 'less than' to determine your response to your dh's absences from your home due to his dm's demands, it's likely that your dh will accuse you of 'giving him more grief' and of being uncaring of him/his dm and this will inevitably widen any gulf between you.

As you only have a short time before mil's return, I would suggest that you attempt to get your dh on the same page by telling him that until appropriate measures are put in place for her, you will give him your wholehearted support with the proviso that you won't hesitate to call time if it appears that either his or your own health is suffering from this additional responsibility.

IMO no feelings should be 'denied or squashed' but if they cannot be resolved, and if counselling is not an option due to shortage of time, they are best written down and not dwelt on until leisure allows them to be studied at length.

I haven't written half of what I intended but as this has been another very long response, I'll end here and recommence later today/tonight/tomorrow. In the meantime I hope you'll enjoy what's left of the weekend with your dh and ds while you can at least rest assured that you won't be sharing it with one particular visitor.

LH you are not 'dragging' ME 'down' with any of your outpourings.

I have sat for a while just thinking about your question:"What would YOU do in MY situation?" and it is an impossible question to answer of course.
I don't think Izzy's answer would satisfy me: "Go with the flow, let him get on with it, you have a duty to do so." There is of course a benefit in 'forgetting what is past and straining towards what is ahead' as St Paul says, but I think you are not in a place to do so.
I think what really lies at the bottom of this is an issue of forgiveness. You say you have 'freely forgiven' your husband for what he said to you at the birth of your son and that he is the love of your life and you are only worried about him and his health.
And all that may be the truth, but I don't think it is the whole truth.
You see, in all this your husband has not changed his attitude towards you, time and again he undermines you both in your care for your son and in his attitude to the care for his mother.
It seems to me that you have not 'forgiven' him for this attitude at all and that it would be totally unreasonable to expect this 'forgiveness' from you.
But that puts more burden on you and this comes about in the form of this total resentment that is at the heart of your life.
So I think the first thing to realise is that you have NOT forgiven your husband and that the resentment you feel is totally reasonable. You will need to communicate this to him: you will not put up with derogatory remarks, arrangements that inconvenience you without him consulting you and with you being more assertive and independent.

And find some time for yourself, go for a walk, get out and don't put up with the guilt feelings. Also find someone in real life to talk to.

And if it helps: keep talking to us. We may be totally off the mark, I don't mind you telling me so.
You have come a long way in opening up and maybe some, if not all of the things any of us say may just help you a tiny bit.
I do hope so.

Dear Lifehope

I'm new to this thread and like DutchOma would suggest that no more feelings of guilt are landed on you. However, there is no mention ( unless I have missed it ) or where abroad the siblings are and where the SIL lives. Would I be correct in thinking that as the siblings will be aware that you look after your son, then they think you can also look after your MIL as someone who knows " how to look after someone who is ill ?" Have there been any conversations between your DH and siblings about caring for your MIL or has it been seen by the siblings as them getting out of having any responsiblity for her ? I'm sure that you have thought of these things but have you thought about a big family conference about the current situtation? I hope things finally get resolved .

Thank you all. Just to respond to some of your queries/points:

The incident was not reported as I did not report it or discuss it with anyone....although I did receive therapy for the self harm, the therapists were at a bit of a loss be case I didn't address this very central issue.

It is true that I do frequently feel I am cursed by fate....that feeling subsided when I met DH and became happy; I didn't know how to be before that. I feel that although I had/was given a happy childhood I was never happy.

That 'cursed' feeling is tenacious & I don't know how to dislodge it.

Re MIL return.....I am trying to be tolerant of the fact that she will make some demands on DH at least when she is here but I am truly worried about whether we can cope, and I am worried about DH health both physical and mental. I have done some of what you suggested izzy - have advised DH that I will accept the fact he will be preoccupied with setting up her care in the short term, but if I feel either his or our (DS &my) well being is seriously compromised I will be putting my foot down.

This is not merely about our convenience or about my feelings of being neglected; I really feel our family is at risk. Apparently SIL is distraught because of a major row between her DH and mil; he is a very easy-going person, always thought of him as laid back almost to a fault and whenever I spoke to him previously he has always been very supportive of mil. For it to come to this things must have got bad. BIL is in a similar position to mine; except his is coming to an end and regardless he is at the end of his tether.

Other family members are all a long haul flight away Clare - approx 12 hours. MIL has no right of abode in any of these countries. You may have a point that some of them prefer to leave it to DH and assume he is 'used to' that kind of thing - though I must say that SIL has done all she can in my view, has bent over backwards to the detriment of her own DFamily and with no appreciation from mil.

Re forgiveness....it is a process. On the one hand I forgive DH because I understand completely how he felt when he lashed out at me...he was suffering and terrified too. It's a cliche but 'to understand everything is to forgive everything'.

On the other hand, any current 'lashing out'(verbally) by DH takes me right back there and so I react disproportionately. There is a 'go and sin no more' aspect to forgiveness; the person who forgives wants the 'sinner' to turn their back on the transgression forever, failure to do so implies that he/she does not understand the seriousness of the issue.

You are right Dutch that I need to address this with him; though will have to be at an appropriate time and this may not be it.

justabout; you are right in your assessment that this is a good but not spectacular package of respite care. We did have to fight for much of it and have had to build our lives around it. It is a delicate balancing act to manage everything and I can't help being threatened by the idea that we may have to take on more. Once mil is back hopefully a workable care solution will be found; I am holding my breath hoping for this.

I know it is not her fault, but your mil sounds a right bully. This may be the dementia talking, but even so it seems that everybody is bending over backwards to accommodate her to the detriment of their own feelings.
Was she like that before the dementia got hold?

How long were you married and happy before your son was born? Have you any siblings?

In the current situation there is nothing much you can do apart from playing your own part in looking after yourself and ds as best you can. Your husband will have to do what he must, but I think it is unacceptable that he 'lashes out verbally' or manipulates you into situations which you find totally unacceptable. This especially where it concerns your ds. I find it very strange that he takes him out of school to meet his mother and that he wants to take him to a meeting with social services about his mother.

Did that blister on his hip come to anything?

Mil seems to have been turned by the illness into a caricature of the person she was...as though her positive qualities have been suppressed, and her negative ones magnified. Basically her world has got very small, and she doesn't see or understand the impact this situation is having on the rest of us.

We were together a decade before DS arrived. I have a DB & Dsis, they are supportive but very busy so unable to help much with the practicalities....nor would I expect it.

DS blister is not getting worse though are keeping an eye on it & are in touch with his consultant who did the op. so fingers crossed on that one.

DS is now not going to collect his GM....so that is positive. DH is taking him to the meeting so he can show SS what he is up against....though of course I am worried it may be distressing for him if eg mil does not agree with her DC over the plans for her care. Last I heard she was still convinced she could stay put with DH caring for her.

Yes, it is positive that he is not now going to take ds to the airport and he is not missing school.

I still think it is daft taking him to the meeting with SS, upsetting for ds, giving the wrong impression to SS (ie if he takes ds when he comes to a meeting about his mother he can clearly look after his mother with his ds in tow) giving the wrong impression to MIL (well he can bring ds here, so he can leave him here for me to look after); surely ds belongs in school and out of the way.
I'm glad you have the support of a brother and sister, were they unhappy in their childhood? Were you a piggy in the middle?
I feel so sorry for the little girl that was you. I wasn't a happy child myself, but by moving to a different country and living here, I escaped my unhappy childhood and of course my children are not disabled and do no longer need my day to day care. Look after that little one that was you and look after yourself now. You do matter, you are a worthwhile person and for what it's worth, you do not come across as uncaring or unloving, just at the end of your tether.
There is a little rhyme in Dutch which says (in translation) that people often suffer the most in fearing a suffering that never arrives. And should the suffering come then God will help them carry it.

I take your point Dutch about the SS meeting...will try to dissuade DH from taking DS along though if it becomes apparent that mil disagrees with DC about plans for her future I will have to put my foot down. I don't want DS to witness arguments between them & the distress that may ensue.

Re my DB and DSis childhoods....it is weird but I never discussed it with them. I have no idea whether they are happy or not. Our childhood was exemplary in many ways ( we are & remain a stable, mutually supportive and very loving family) however there is no guarantee that happiness will follow just because the foundation is in place. Happiness is elusive and subtle; it is 'the perfume a well lived life gives off'.

I was a little knot of misery and despair, planted right there within that genuinely happy families. I am sure there are many others like I was, sufferers where you least expect to find them'.

It is helpful to write here, make sense of my thought and receive constructive feedback; I sincerely thank everyone who has posted here. I am only sorry I am having to be so burdensome and come across as so negative; I hate being a taker rather than a giver.

Yes I have to look after me; sometimes it is as simple as buying myself little treats (clothes, spa days) and not feeling guilty about spending time doing what I want. Guilt follows me around like a little ghost, but I am learning that much of the time it doesn't need to be there.

Also your dh might 'give in' more to his mother while SS are there, just to avoid ds witnessing an argument. Pacify, pacify.

'A little knot of misery and despair within a happy family', well that is a perfect example of how guilt arises. All your fault for feeling that way? 'It's not you, it's me'. Yeah right (not).
But that is where your 'little ghost of guilt' stems from. Yes, happiness is elusive and it is not something that can be forced out of life. Nor am I sure that it follows from 'a life well lived'. I'm not even sure that happiness is to be strived after.

I'm glad the talking on here helps. If ever I say anything that 'falls wrong' with you, forgive me, I am really 'just trying to help'.
Meanwhile you must feel as if 'granny's footsteps' are coming ever closer.

Well Mil is back....have seen her she is obviously not very well at all. SIL confessed to me (when the had the privacy to do so) how hard it had been.

We went out for an early meal together then DH & I walked back, we were talking about the situation & then I broached the subject that maybe DS should not go.

DH was absolutely livid, screamed at me about the pressure I was putting him under, the stress is all my fault etc. then left me in the road in the dark. I got home to DH studiously ignoring me so have gone upstairs and left him.

If he thinks I am going to soak up blame just because he is under pressure he is wrong. If he carries on treating me like this he will end up with no marriage or family at all.

I should say...'that DS should not go to the assessment meeting for DS' as discussed above.

I am afraid I am just disgusted by DH attitude towards me. He han't bothered to come and see me. I am just here to go out to work. Pay for things, care for DS and be blamed for everything at the end. Just an emotional punchbag.

Yes, you are right, he is using you as an emotional punchbag. Stress does not have to make you take it out on what should be your nearest and dearest, that is just rubbish.

I would agree that you now need to put your foot down and arrange for ds to go to school as usual. Keep things as calm as possible for his sake and if things carry on as they are, yes, your husband will be living with his mother.
I am very sorry to hear that things have taken such a turn for the worse, but nothing excuses being 'livid' and shouting to someone who is just trying to make the best of a bad situation.
Thinking of you.

Unless something improves really dramatically and fast, I am out of this marriage.

I am lying upstairs weeping, I do not want to be married to someone who doesn't give a shit about me, my point of view or my feelings. I am also tired of sticking up for him, talking him up, bigging him up to people and never letting on what an utter arsehole he can be to me at times.

What's happened to bring you to this point? Has there been an argument over mil or ds?

It is the fact that we are not a team, that DH has his own ideas of how things should be handled and I am not to argue or contradict but just bow to his vastly superior judgement. I am sure that the stress re mil has triggered it but if this is going to be the pattern for the future - DH stressed over DS and taking it out on me - I don't think I want any part of it.

I long suspected that I was not a priority for DH and he has demonstrated it with a vengeance this evening. If it was not for DS and the fact that this is his home & I will never be the one to leave him, I would walk out and never come back until I get an abject apology.