I resent the CRAZY situation we are in! When will life get easier?

[LifeHope11]

I have posted before but just to summarise my situation again:

I have a severely disabled DS who has had recent major surgery.

My DH is under stress because of this, also because his DM suffers from dementia. I do tend to get the brunt of it when it all becomes too much for him. MIL is abroad now but will be coming back later in the year & he is organising a care home for her.....siblings live abroad so it will all be down to him.

I suffer from epilepsy which is under control at present....also have had depression which has responded to medication. I have had a hard time (was also made redundant recently) was near suicidal for a while and very near the brink.....I felt my sanity was under threat! But I have been better recently.

I have just started a new job, however in the few weeks I have been there my boss (who recruited me!) has left, and as of today my boss's boss has resigned. So I have nobody to report to direct & my position feels insecure all over again.

DH has also had problems at work......has been shouted at today by his boss because of some mistake he made. I don't think it is acceptable for him to be treated in this way especially as they know his circumstances. Now he feels insecure too and very distressed.

I have recently been offered a place on the course I applied for to get a professional qualification....but feel selfish for planning this when my family are going through so much. There is a limited window of opportunity to pursue this so postponing is not an option.

When does life ever get easier? I have got so used now to feeling snowed under with problems, I have to keep my sanity intact somehow! How do I cope with all of this?

Are you happy with that apology? My reservation is that your dh has agreed that ds will not attend the meeting as you 'don't want it when he should be saying he's realised it's not in ds's best interests to attend as the meeting has absolutely nothing to do with ds and may cause him upset.

To my mind, devolving sole responsibility for the meeting that your dh arranged with SS to his dsis is not fitting nor, given the importance of future SS input into mil's care, is it appropriate for him not to attend.

In addition, I would query why your dh feels it necessary for mil to attend when her best interests will be more properly served by SS visiting her in her own home.

If your mil has dementia or similar memory impairment, it's possible that she will become further confused by finding herself in another environment that she's unfamiliar with and may become distressed by what should be said by her dd - of course, it could be that her dd will be inhibited by her dm's presence and minimise the problems inherent in her ds/you meeting her needs.

FWIW I'm not at all surprised that mil appears to have deteriorated during her long sojourn with dsis but it may be that, after she's adusted to UK time, a few days back in familiar surroundings will serve to bring about some improvement.

Well, I'm glad that he has seen some sense re ds attending the meeting with SS and his grandma.
Let's hope that he sees fit to attend the meeting himself and takes responsibility for what happens to his mother.
By the way, you are still making excuses for him. No amount of stress justifies being unpleasant to your wife, especially not when she is trying to be as helpful as possible.
Hopefully you will now feel able to stand back and let things happen around you.

Well done for getting this far and thank you for the update.

Hallo, thanks for your messages.

Just to clarify that the above was a brief update on where we are now, I am aware that none of the issues have gone away.

DH has apologised for upsetting me and I have accepted that apology. However, that doesn't mean that I am fine with the situation now, and explaining why he behaved the way he did (he was under pressure, upset about his DM etc) doesn't mean I want to make excuses for him. It is not acceptable for him to take his stress & upset out on me or to treat me as part of the problem.....he knows that and I have told him.

Things have to improve dramatically if we are to survive. I have to think about the implications of what I do in its effect on DS. But a marriage where we don't pull together, work as a team and (emotionally as well as practically) support each other) is no marriage in my eyes. I have told him that already & will reiterate it in the future.

I think he does realise and has taken on board my view re DS attending the meeting.....and on reflection thinks it best that he does not go. But he doesn't have to agree with me on everything (though arguably should agree on this) just respect my opinion and decide on a course of action on more significant things which we can both agree with.

I have told DH my view that he should go to the meeting because being the family member in closest proximity he is likely to be most affected by any outcome. Ultimately I can't force him...will keep working on him, he may yet go.

Well, you sound very determined now and more in charge of the situation. Of course you can't force your husband to do anything, just try to make him see that all of you are important, but that your (and his) first responsibility lies towards your ds.
Have a nice weekend

Thanks DutchOma, you too.

I have never doubted that DH knows DS is first priority, he just needs to be reminded sometimes what that actually entails. Btw another update: DH is going to the meeting know, accepts he has to be there. So hopefully we are on the right track now.

Should read 'DH is going to the meeting now'...sorry

That's good. Hopefully you can all have a bit of a breather until Wednesday.

Izzy is right in that they will need to do an assessment of MIL in her own home and then hopefully they will be able to persuade MIL that she will be better cared for in a care setting.
How long is SIL staying? Is she having a bit of a breather or does MIL keep her on her toes?

IMO it will be much kinder to mil if she's not taken to the forthcoming meeting and I would suggest she stays home in the company of her dd.

This will enable your dh to speak freely about mil and her condition and to explain that, due to your ds's severe disabilities, he/you are unable to undertake the burden of care for her in a manner appropriate to her needs.

In short, IMO it would be in the best interests of all concerned for your dh to attend the meeting he has convened with SS either alone or with you and to take with him a written account by his dsis of the demands of undertaking mil's day to day care.

I would also suggest that your dh make himself available when SS assess mil in her own home and hope that any such assessment will be effected before his dsis leaves the UK.

It would be kinder for DH and SIL too, not to have to tell it how it is in front of their own mother, that sounds a terrible thing to have to do.

Big meeting is taking place shortly....I put it to DH it may not be appropriate for her to be there, but both he and SIL are adamant she should attend. So in the end there is nothing much more I can do about that.

There has just been another meeting re finances, another huge row with MIL who accused them of 'taking her money'....but everything sorted in the end.

DH stressed & at the end of his tether, but no repeat so far of his taking it out on me. I am still hoping for the best though. DH confessed how unhappy he is at the moment due to stress of making all these arrangements, I hope it is only temporary.

I can't help feeling resentful and it is due to fear. We have been through so much with DS and dearly loved as he is it is a huge challenge to care for him. I can't help feeling resentful that we have this extra burden to deal with, and I actually feel hostile and angry.

A lot of this I think is due to fear; if this turns truly nasty or proves too much for DH to handle, that could be the end of us, our little family could tear itself fo pieces. I hasten to add that that is the last thing I want to happen; but I feel so angry about the whole situation and try as I might I can't do anything to stop the feelings of resentment at being in this position. I find my life really oppressive at the moment.

I am not proud of feeling this way. I have guilt and the sense of being at root a horrible person, to add to my other woes.

The only thing I can truly hope for is that Social Services will be able to at least give your husband some perspective on the whole situation.
It is so awfully common for people with dementia to accuse their loved ones of 'taking their money' 'treating them as if they are mad' and many other accusations.
There is just nothing your husband can do about that, it is the illness talking and SS will have seen it all before.
Hopefully they will be able to communicate that insight and translate it into the appropriate care for your mother-in-law.
The only thing you can do is to just keep going for your ds and for yourself.
I'm glad you say that your husband has not taken his stress out on you again.
Don't anticipate what might happen, it may not do and then you have had all that misery for nothing. Try to turn away from these feelings of fear and guilt, your thoughts are the only thing that are entirely your own and you CAN help what you think. Just keep saying to yourself: it may never happen. And when it does, you will be able to deal with it.

Well it is happening....the outcome of the meeting is that mil is going into a home. DH and SIL both very upset but it is the only possibility. They are effectively losing mil, you are right DutchOma that this is very common, they are having to grieve for their DM as they have lost/are losing the DM they knew. I went through this with my DP so know what it feels like.

It is true that I have to just keep going and hope that the things I most fear never happen. There is very little joy in life and it has been this way for a long long time now.

I am sorry but I am really suffering now, i feel I am almost back where I was at the beginning of the year when I was depressed bordering on suicidal.

I feel that I would be far better off dead if it wasn't for DS. I am on this earth to care for him so won't do anything to jeopardise that.

I feel that DH and I are no longer partners, we just get on and deal separately with our respective problems. We sit in a room together and rarely talk though sometimes we row. I suggested we go away for a luxury weekend together, DH instantly poo poohed the idea.....anyway we would have to take DS with us as would take ages before we could get respite for a whole weekend. And now DH feels we can't leave his DM. But we need a treat now.

I am going away for the weekend, it is for a memorial service for my DF who passed away a couple of years ago. I offered to take DS with me to give DH a break but he said no need. Anyway it is 150 miles on the train, the prospect of a journey like that with DS wheelchair is daunting. Part of me feels glad to be getting away from the miserable atmosphere at home....the other part feels guilty about going. But I don't feel I can cancel. I then feel resentful that circumstances are making me feel guilty. I very rarely get to visit my own DFamily.

I have tried and tried, believe me I have followed advice. But I don't know what more I can do to make life more pleasant. I really feel for SIL, it has been hard for her & she has done the best she can. But she will be getting away soon, back to her good life, & we will be left here.

I am making allowances for DH as he is upset about his DM. But I think that if things don't improve soon our marriage may be coming to an end. It is sad because I will always love DH & I worry about the implications for DS but I don't want to live like this & I don't know what I can do to mend it.

I can't believe I am writing these things now. My much loved little family.

I think this time away is what you need, you need some respite to re-charge your batteries. Maybe your DH needs time to realise just how much you are already doing with your DS.
There is nothing wrong with your MIL going into a home, if it is a good one she will receive the kind of care she needs and could have a far better quality of life than over burdening her own family (who are not coping).
But your SIL and DH will be grieving, as among other things it will make the situation more real.

Have you been to see your GP? I suggest you need to go again.

When my mother was dying, which was a dreadfully stressful time (several of those worst life events for stress were happening), I went to the Ideal Home Exhibition; one stand I went to had a "stress test" gadget. I tried it, although I didn't feel particularly stressed, and it read "very high stress". It could have been quackery, but it made me realise when things are really tough, even the "non stress" days can be highly stressful. Its just you've got used to those.

Do try to enjoy the train journey, give yourself some "Me time", if only a magazine/book and a hot drink, and give yourself some time off from worrying about those at home. You need to recharge.

I hope this helps a little.

LifeHope - what is it that has made you so down?

You are doing your course. Your MIL is going into a home, so while your DH will no doubt visit and provide input the physical burden of care doesn't fall onto you both.

I think you need some counselling - because to take no joy in the material improvements in your life over the last few months is bizarre.

Your DH is an emotionally abusive arsehole. No his life isn't perfectly straightforward, but with both of you working and your DS at school full-time with transport then there really is no justification for him to treat you as he does - you have exactly the same burden as him, exactly the same.

Shining out through your thread, is a kind of determination on your part to be miserable. And that is what you need to consider, and think about how you change it.

Yes, I too wonder what has brought this continuing black mood on.
For your mil this is by far the best option, she will get the expert care she needs.
For your sil this is by far the best option, she can go home without having to continually worry whether her mother is alright.
For your dh this is by far the best option, he can get on with his life, without worrying continually about his mother.
So...why is it not the best option for you? Why do you think you cannot get back to 'normal' with both you and your dh taking care of your ds as best you can?
Yes, a luxury weekend away with just the two of you would be nice, but, as you say, it would take ages to arrange respite for ds. So make some plans for later.
And in the meantime, enjoy your weekend without guilt. You need it to gain some perspective.
And make plans to spend Christmas with your dm, you and your son only if necessary. Don't be guilted into having mil on Christmas Day because 'otherwise she would be on her own. She wouldn't be, she will be in her new home and taking her out every five minutes would upset and confuse her.
She will be upset and confused without any doubt, but in the end a caring home is the very best place for her.

Please cut your husband some slack.

It has been over a year, and I still feel distraught about having to uproot my mum from her home against her wishes, and take her to a care home.

It is emotionally tough to do this. It is his mum. He is grieving for the person who he has lost, while she is still there. She will be like a tantrumming child, who claims the authority of a grown up. It is hard. Very hard. Your husband also has a disabled child. And he has you, with your issues and negative outlook, to deal with. I dont envy him.

I think you have very little empathy for your husband, and your mils family, for what they are going through. It seems to me that the concern for your husband and his stress does not extend beyond the effect it has on you.

You say you are not a partnership, that you and your dh lead emotionally separate lives. I would venture a guess, he feels the same?

Hey Quint, that sounds very harsh. I'm sorry about your mum, it must be one of the hardest things to do and my children may have to do it. If I get batty

I expect that I will become batty. Mums dementia is a cluster type, levy body. 5 out of 7 of her siblings are on a sliding scale between Parkinson and Dementia. And her mum had it. All I can do is to drink coffee, and red wine in moderation. Try to be healthy, and I must also exercise, as being physically fit can delay onset by 5 years.

But hey, today is good, I have bought my first mince pie!!

Enjoy. My dh used to make the mince pies in our family and now he is too porrly to do it, but not poorly enough not to mind any more.

Well, the Waitrose bakery one was DELICIOUS!

Poor your hubby. And you.

Quint - if you read the thread, you will see that the OP's DH has been being vile to her long before the issue of MILs dementia arose.

I have read this and other threads for the last year. I did however not pick up on the dh being vile from before this all started. Sorry

Quint I'm sorry that was harsh - I read a lot of your threads about your parents and my heart has always gone out to you x