I resent the CRAZY situation we are in! When will life get easier?

[LifeHope11]

I have posted before but just to summarise my situation again:

I have a severely disabled DS who has had recent major surgery.

My DH is under stress because of this, also because his DM suffers from dementia. I do tend to get the brunt of it when it all becomes too much for him. MIL is abroad now but will be coming back later in the year & he is organising a care home for her.....siblings live abroad so it will all be down to him.

I suffer from epilepsy which is under control at present....also have had depression which has responded to medication. I have had a hard time (was also made redundant recently) was near suicidal for a while and very near the brink.....I felt my sanity was under threat! But I have been better recently.

I have just started a new job, however in the few weeks I have been there my boss (who recruited me!) has left, and as of today my boss's boss has resigned. So I have nobody to report to direct & my position feels insecure all over again.

DH has also had problems at work......has been shouted at today by his boss because of some mistake he made. I don't think it is acceptable for him to be treated in this way especially as they know his circumstances. Now he feels insecure too and very distressed.

I have recently been offered a place on the course I applied for to get a professional qualification....but feel selfish for planning this when my family are going through so much. There is a limited window of opportunity to pursue this so postponing is not an option.

When does life ever get easier? I have got so used now to feeling snowed under with problems, I have to keep my sanity intact somehow! How do I cope with all of this?

lifehope don't feel guilty at perfectly reasonable parenting on your part. And in a way you should be reassured that you have to do it, he is being like any naughty little boy... isn't that what you want? and you are responding as any parent of any naughty little boy might do.

So sorry to hear about the sore, though. But this is a separate thing.

Oh LH, I so understand. I was snappy with my dh a few days ago and still feel bad about it. And I have only one issue to deal with, you have several.

It's no good saying "don't feel guilty", you just do, even if everybody else says that you were being perfectly reasonable in snapping.
Have you got the book yet? I've been re-reading it and after two years there is more relevance in it now than when I first read it as my dh is getting worse.

I hope things work out for your son with his hips and that you get the support from your dh you need. It all seems so much worse than it could be if he had a true understanding of how you feel and worked with you, rather than pile on extra burdens.

Thanks both, that has helped me gain a little perspective. I gave DS a little cuddle & a talk again, told him I love him dearly & that I don't mean to get cross with him but that he is an important boy and so the things he does are important etc.

We are monitoring the blister so hopefully will be nothing more sinister than friction from his nappy....may be nothing more than that but we have got used to fearing the worst.

Can I share something else that has been troubling me? I am feeling resentful of the fact that DH is going to be collecting MIL and SIL from the airport when they come back. It would be so easy for them to just get in a taxi and MIL home is just 15 mins from the airport...yet it seems to be a given that DH will be collecting them.

I have done a number of solitary trips involving long term flights....I have never expected DH to collect me and he has never offered. I know he is too busy & it would put more strain on him so I have never expected it, I am perfectly capable of jumping in a taxi & the public transport connections are also excellent. But when it comes to his own family, of course the red carpet gets rolled out.

I sound very resentful and bitter here don't I? But I am seriously concerned about DH well being. I see this as a precedent for him slipping back into his role as taxi service, concierge service, cleaning assistant and social organiser. I just wish that for once he would put himself first and say to them ' I'm afraid you have to sort yourselves out when you arrive, I am just too busy/tired'. Tell me if you think I am being unfair or harsh, perspective on this is hard to come by.

That should read 'long haul flights', I have got myself home and nursed the jet lag myself.

I actually think SIL would be very understanding if DH were to do the above, as I have stated before she is a good person & has always been supportive. As for MIL, as long as she is cared for it shouldn't matter by whom. But there is no dissuading DH from what he considers his responsibility to his family, I have tried but he is not receptive. So one or the other of us is being unreasonably stubborn about this.

Here's an idea. Could you ring SIL when DH not there, explain your concerns, and get her to ring DH and insist that, no they don't need him to meet them, and for her to arrange when they will meet up? Bit underhand, though.

How long will she be staying - will she be able to help deal with SS and all that stuff, after all she has the most recent experience of MIL's condition?

Yes, I have been wondering why all the contact with your family abroad and MIL has to go via your husband.
Obviously you must start as you mean to carry on, that includes MIL and SIL managing their arrival at the flat together and without your husband.
So yes SPC suggestion may be 'underhand' but it's about time that you took matters into your own hands.
I've been looking back a bit over your earlier threads and have been struck by how little has changed in the past fifteen months or so.
Also how it appears that the lynch pin in all this is the attitude of your husband, who likes to play the hero and the martyr at the same time.
Resentment is of course a very destructive emotion and much as you are in no way unreasonable in your requests/demands on your husband, it is up to you somehow to make it clear to him that it is HIS attitude that is making this situation so unbearable.
There is enough grief in the situation, what with DS and MIL but you must pull together to deal with the situation.
A call to SIL to have a gossip seems to be the very first step.

Well we were in touch with SIL today.....now isn't the time in my judgement to broach the subject of her coping with MIL on her own on landing. God she sounds so depressed, ground down and stressed. At the end of her tether really, all her own DFamily are suffering with her at the stress of coping with mil.

And we know all that stress is heading our way soon. DH makes no bones now about how much he is dreading her return.

We have to try to pull together to deal with this. I will have to have a heart to heart with SIL to explain my concerns, but will have to choose the right occasion and it can't just be a case of me saying 'sorry SIL you will have to cope on your own when you and MIL land'.

I suggested to DH that perhaps it is not appropriate for him to do this....he flew off the handle completely at the 'outrageousness' of what I was saying. I said that I was just concerned about him. His response: 'then why are you putting more pressure on me, giving me more grief? Don't you think I am stressed enough already without you making it worse?'

There is no reasoning him, there is no point pursuing this. I can't do any more than I am doing. I can see us potentially breaking up over this (potentially; we are not there yet but things could yet turn that sour) because we are not a team, not partners. I am tired of being just another problem for him.

We can't take on MIL care and if DH insists on taking it on it will kill him, break us up, or both.

I am sensing that some of you are getting hacked off with me because I am not making progress....that makes me feel more pressured as I am trying as hard as I can. I know though what needs to be done and believe me I am trying as hard as I can to make things happen.

I don't know how I can do more than I am doing.

Aw lifehope I for one am not hacked off with you - if I were you I would probably be curled in a corner in the foetal position by now. Please don't add pressure to yourself by worrying about strangers on the net. I think it's good that you felt able to mention it, though.

When are they arriving?

Hi Silver - they are back in a couple of weeks, meeting with SS is a few days after. Mil may be resistant to the idea of care home, she seems to have the impression that DH will do it all. If that happens it could be the end of DH and me although I worry about the consequences for DS.

I suspect that in my shoes you would not be in a foetal position but would keep a brave and straight spine; as there is nothing to do but be brave and somehow cope, at least for as long as possible. Many if not most people try to face down their troubles and handle them as best they can. But I think that one way or another the shit is going to hit the fan for me & my family shortly; trouble is coming and either we will weather it or it is going to break us. Much as I love DH I am getting increasingly angry & resentful of his view of me as just another of his catalogue of problems.

DH has gone to bed early (he has a v early start) & I am down here alone fretting - for the million & first time. All emotional connections between us are worn away by the stress we are under, they are threadbare now. I love DH dearly & always will, but emotionally I am completely on my own now.

I am really sorry, if anyone thinks I am not acting on the advice I have received here because I have. I am sorry if anyone feels that my response is disappointing.

Don't feel guilty. Guilt is a useless emotion - it only makes you feel bad. Get angry and scream in the car if it helps. I don't envy your situation one bit and I would be really angry life had thrown all this at me. But life is not fair, unfortunately.
I wish you well

Hallo kiwigirl42, you are right that guilt is useless and a waste of energy furthermore. I did not make our circumstances as sh-t as they are now and am trying - not as hard as I can but as hard as I know how to do (not quite the same thing) to alleviate them.

I am tired of feeling bad and scream whenever I have the opportunity. In some of these posts I try to articulate a scream....I post on here, try not very articulately to convey my anger and distress, then sign off & get on with my life as best I can. It is a very lonely life; you have to be in my position to understand how people back away....our experiences are so off the wall that many people are threatened by it. So I feel very very isolated.

I know that life is very unfair; I only have to look at severely disabled DS to know that. Yet my severely disabled DS - whom life saw fit not to smile upon - is the happiest person I know.

Isolation from normal social contact can be soul destroying. I think a lot of good self esteem comes from having friends and knowing that thay eant to spend time with you and that they like you.
I have experienced being isolated due to 5 yrs of being bed bound the majority of the time due to chronic illness. Its shit!

It's not being hacked off with you LH, just sharing your frustration at the position you are in.
And wanting to help, however inadequately.

I know, it is very frustrating that we are caught in this situation and there is no way out. I don't blame you for that and i must reiterate how much i appreciate your contributions here. But there is just no mending this.

I am back home again, and gloom is the order of the day. DH is unhappy because he is so concerned about the future. SIL has written again to tell us how worried she is about us now we are dealing with the situation....she knows better than anyone what it will mean for us. She is staying for a couple of weeks then we will be on our own.

I spent a few months as an au pair in Switzerland. Was totally not cut out for it and was desperately unhappy. The wife of the consul (who of course was aware of all Dutch girls working in Geneva) had us all to tea and she said to me:"For every problem there is a solution." Now I do believe that is true, I also think that sometimes the 'solution' is not particularly easy to achieve and may bring their own problems.
One of the things I read in the Selfish Pig book this morning is that the 'piglet' is not always going to be very pleased with the 'solution' that others have devised. And he says (p 188): "Tough. They'll just have to lump it. You are in trouble her (he is talking about burn out, which you are almost in the middle of) and for the good of both of you the pressure has to be eased."
(He is the carer for his wife, your situation is more complex still).
In this case you MIL is the 'piglet' and she is not going to be happy having to go into a home. But unless you are all clear that this is the only solution for all of you (and it is a 'solution' fraught with difficulty} the kettle is going to blow.
I find your dh's attitude very hard to understand, especially when he wants to involve you and blames you for not 'supporting' him.

What an excellent post, Oma. My MIL moved to be near us in her late 70's, she was frailer than we realised although her mind was sharp as ever. This too brought its own problems, which continued until her death. My own parents are early eighties (DM) and early nineties (DF) still going strong and each living on their own (DM left when she was 55, they still get on though). But we all know that at some point things will deteriorate...I shall then be asking you for help. There are lots of different ways of getting old, and they all bring their own problems for the poor old in-between generation, who have often DC to care for. I suppose all I am saying is that I hope you draw strength from this thread, despite my post about on-line strangers, we care - about each other...

I do draw strength from this thread and also wisdom. I feel cared for here in a way that can be hard to come by in the so called 'real world'.

I know that we can't care for mil as well as DS so it is not going to happen. We do worry that she will point blank refuse to go into a home and we will have to deal with that if it happens but there is some comfort in knowing what the bottom line is. I know that the pressure has to be reduced somehow because I can literally feel how it is making me ill.

'Selfish Pig' arrived today so I will be settling myself down to a good read.

Thank you SilverPussyCat and LH.

Yes, the Selfish Pig book is wonderful and all I know is out of there.
In a way I am in a different position, because it is my dh I am caring for, but I don't think it would be fair to ask more of the children than they are giving at the moment. Not that 'the powers that be' don't keep asking what help we have from our children.
The best thing our ds did for us was get that book , you might like a copy as well SPC, it says it is a must for all involved with caring and I totally agree.

I have been reading the book today....yes DutchOma I can see why you have praised it. It seems more appropriate to dip into it rather than reading it cover to cover like a novel.

I have read a section dealing with the isolation carers feel. That did strike a nerve, I feel very isolated and there is nobody that I can talk to at hand who really understands what it is like. I also feel disloyal in unloading to people & articulating the sometimes very ugly feelings of resentment I feel. I feel disloyal even posting here....although it is anonymous, anyone I know who read this would by now probably figure out who I am (though they won't know for sure & I suppose I could just deny it).

MIL just can't be cared for by us but I can see how things will happen...I am so stressed out by what will happen next. I can see how DH could get drawn into taking on the lion's share of her care. He will tell herself it is just to sort things out in the early days until SS have her care set up, but I am fully expecting them to push for him to do it instead. To me he will be setting a very dangerous precedent.

I am very upset today that DS has told me he is going to the airport with his DF to collect mil.....will miss school to do this. So it looks as though the red carpet is already unfurled in preparation & I won't be able to stop this airport pickup without causing a major row. No wonder DH reacted so angrily when I raised the subject. Again, we are back to establishing the precedent of DH as on call carer/helper/enaber in all things.

Is there no carer support available to you - just someone on the end of a phone who understands can be invaluable. I know this cos friend has had belp from our local one, as her DM seems to have Alzeimer's and can't be properly assessed because she drinks. (although haven't heard from her recently so cuts may have had an effect) Also, I know there is one in Darlington, so definitely some still exist.

Why has the fact that your dh intends to go to the airport to pick up his mother and his sister who will be disembarking from a long haul flight become such a big deal for you?

From what you've said the airport is only a 15 minute drive away and, while it might not be the best plan in the world to cause your severely disabled ds to miss a day's school in order to accompany him, it's surely fitting for your dh to peform the small courtesy of greeting his relataives on their return to the Uk.

If it were your dm and your dsis, wouldln't you want to meet them at the airport, help with their luggage, and drive them home?

Have you given any thought to stocking mil's fridge/pantry so that she and sil can enjoy tea/coffee/biscuits when they get to her home and have the werewithal to make lunch/evening meal if you do not want them to dine with you?

I understood that the airport was 15 mins from MIL's house. It might be a long way from Life's house.

I would go and meet them if possible and open the house up for them as Izzy suggests. It would be thoughtful and it sounds like SIL deserves some kindness.

However after that DH must be careful not to leave you in the lurch at home. You need to talk with him about what is a reasonable commitment hours wise each week to his DM given the responsibilities you both have at home.

Hopefully once SS have seen her it will only be a matter of weeks until she moves into a suitable home. So you will not have to cope with the situation for too long.

Be very firm about the home, do not waver and do not let DH waver. Your health and sanity depend on your burden not being increased.

Good grief, Izzy, that's all she needs. You piling yet another bit of guilt on her.

I agree LH that it is a bad precedent for your ds to go to the airport if it means missing a day of school.

And how come your husband did discuss that with his son rather than with you?
I think you are quite understandabl feeling sidelined. Is there any chance to get some extra support for ds, so that his dad does not have to do it?

You are right in thinking that the book is for dipping into, rather than reading from cover to cover.

Hi izzy, no if it were my own DM & Dsis travelling together I would not meet them at the airport. If it were DM travelling alone then probably yes.

My family are used to travelling all over the place & they sort themselves out, that is the expectation I have - though we are mutually supportive in other ways, we accept we are all busy and can't help each other out with these kinds of things unless an emergency/exception. There is airport passenger assistance available if requested.

It is a big deal to me not because it is such a huge issue in itself but because of the precedent it sets, as I explained above. If it was just a one off it wouldn't bother me, I am not that petty. But the main reason for my concern is DH. I am seriously worried about his health - his blood pressure is dangerously high, what is travelling to the airport with DS, collecting them, loading/unloading/carrying luggage, driving them back, rushing home to collect DS wheelchair & equipment, rushing DS off to school then rushing off to work - going to do to it? All unnecessarily in my view.

And no I have not thought about stocking the flat with food for their meal - because they will of course be dining with us and I am very pleased to have them. They are family and I want them to be treated as such so will be invited for dinner with us as all family would be. I do not wish to isolate mil in any way but I just don't want DH taking on caring responsibilities because I worry about the consequences to him.