Men's opinions needed

[KlickKlackknobsac]

What do men want from a relationship?
What does 'being respected' mean to a man?
Why is work so bloody important to men, seemingly more so than kids/ wife especially when they have something to prove?
How can women get more attention from single-minded work driven men?
(Answers from knowledgeable women also welcome of course)
Background- married almost 20 years, 3 kids, still in love.

Am not a man but am also interested in this. Have been with h for 16 years, have 3 kids as well. In our case our "relationship" is generally not good but h also has been / is a workaholic... Am waiting to see other responses as it often occurs to me that he must have a completely different view of "us" to the one I have, and part of this will be due to a culturally and family driven model of "relationships" and the "purpose of a wife"...

Glad I am not completely alone.

gonna bed- will check for any kind postings tomorrow.

They want love and intimacy. While for many women they need intimacy before sex, for many men it's the other way around. They really like it when you don't blame them for being different.

Respect is about realising that they are different. That retreating to their shed or whatever isn't necessarily about you.

Work is because they can win at that. They sometimes feel they can't win with you.

I have a lot of male friends and on the whole they adore their partners but they spend a lot of time in the dog house. They play XBox live with their mates for a bit of acceptance. It's just like me phoning my girlfriends, they just need a buffer of a game. If a man tries to stop a woman talking to her friends it's leave the bastard but if he's shutting himself away to play games he's being unreasonable.

I make time to listen to DHs updates on his poker. He's ok with the fact I can't even remember the rules, he just wants me listening and showing that him thinking it's important is good enough reason. Every day I ask how his day was.

I don't think men are so different but I think they are a bit different. If you want to understand them then talk less at them and listen a bit more. My husband is amazing, his ex wife had a rubbish husband. Same man so why did her marriage suck?

As a man I would say that's pretty spot on WaitingForMe.

"They want love and intimacy. While for many women they need intimacy before sex, for many men it's the other way around. They really like it when you don't blame them for being different."

Do you mean men want intimacy after sex - cuddling? And women need cuddling before but not after? Or that men need sex but not as much intimacy? But at first you say they want love and intimacy. I'm confused

Try posting this in Dadsnet too ?

A male view,

Waiting for me is absolutely right and;

Many men are still in the Good provider role, first question is what do you do when men meet. Being a successful husband means keeping up with the Joneses.

Men often see talking as a means to an end and when the end is reached then the talking stops.

Some men see physical closeness as a precursor to sex every time.

To get more attention it is important to dip into his world and show interest in work/hobbies.

When was the last time that you praised him for working so hard for the family?

Men`s roles have been changing in marriage and some men feel threatened or uncomfortable or unsure of what their wife or children want or need from them.

There must be more than this but that is a start

Pretzel - sorry. In saying men want intimacy I meant that they want to feel close to someone as much as women do. But while to get those feelings most women want cuddles and acknowledgement of their feelings, many men get that after sex.

DH and I had a slightly tense week recently (me 27 weeks pregnant on a weeks holiday with my inlaws). He was much better at reading me after we'd had sex (it had been a while) and was more supportive. He'd been doing his best before but the sex triggered a burst of deeper feeling in him. His affection triggered it in me and my libido picked up a bit.

I don't think It's possible to answer the question, I can't speak for other men.

Men are a diverse group we all want different things, personally I want someone who is kind, loving, supportive, understanding and rich, I'm only kidding they don't have to be kind

Oh, did i mention good sense of humour?

Morning.
What I want from a relationship?a warm hug, a real kiss( not a peck ), and regular sexual intercourse, please..
Being respected means just that, being held in high regard for being the person you are.
Work is unimportant to me, as I'm a stay at home dad, but noticing that the house is clean goes a long way.
In my opinion work should never be more important than family, and if it is, maybe something is missing at home.
And this is where I suggest you brace yourself, as sometimes the truth hurts.
If you need more interest, be more interesting.repetition is dull, in every sense.

Some great answers- thank you.

Yes- bracing myself dranksinatra
I think my husband feels like I am unhappy with him all the time. And also that I don't respect him.

I am not uninteresting, but perhaps am too negative.

Cannot help you crescentmoon- I would like to be higher up the priority list too. I think he is desperately trying to get my 'respect' for want of a better word, hence he works all the time. But I want him to stop striving so hard, cash in the chips and calm down (before he drops dead). How can I persuade him getting my respect is not about more money and security but about clever decisions and more time together? (I have told him obviously).

Thanks for answering, KLIC, and i think you may have recognized it, too.
when you almost know what someone is going to say before they do, it's over familiarity, and we know that can breed contempt.
It sounds like you do respect him, already, but, as you say yourself, maybe chill on the negativity for a bit.. one evening at a time, maybe?
no one wants to think they are in the doghouse all the time, and it becomes a pattern.

I can tell you what I don't want.

I don't want second guessing all the time. I don't need to talk all the time, I'm not thinking anything at all most of the time.
I don't want constant thanks, just not so much criticism.

For lots of men, work is how their worth is perceived. By ourselves also sometimes. I know DW and I are equal but does it grate that she can earn so much more than me? A little, because I know that's because I haven't driven myself as hard as she has. I respect her and am proud of her, completely.

And she's more beautiful now than when we met, and she was a stunner then. It saddens me that she really doesn't see it.

Sometimes, we want someone to just listen as well. We're not so different.

BJs, lots and lots of BJs.

Oh yea, lots of BJs.

Well some, at least. Pretty please.

took me far too long to work out what BJ was short for there!
says it all- but my husband is a clean freak and a little bit sqeamish about BJs.

Oh, and loads of bj's

Because men are so easy to please...sheesh.

Agree with whowhatwherewhen... Men and women are all people with different individual wants and needs. I am very irritated by all the "why do men/women..?" or "what do men/women want?" I can only tell you what I do or want my husband can only tell you what he does or wants and we can tell others what we each get out of being with each other.

If you are thinking down those lines I'd be tempted to say that may be where your relationship could improve because you are not thinking of each other as individuals and also seem to have some silly ideas about gender

Don't really get the thread, but then I can't say I get men.

If you think giving men lots of blowjobs will make them happy I think you should try it and see what happens. [answer: it will not]. Men need sex before intimacy? Another myth.

Regular sexual intercourse? What makes anyone think women don't want that? I rather like it myself .

Work? Maybe men do want to be respected for work and what they contribute to the family financially? I haven't got a problem with that, but its not the be all and end all about men, surely?

How about men and their cars, Zzzz no-one mentioned that?

I have no idea about men anymore, feeling a bit bored and fed up with them to be honest.

I can't answer on behalf of "men", only on behalf of myself. Background - married, no kids, not fussed about bjs.

1. Really not sure. I just enjoy planning my life and future with my wife in the picture, because she's fun, interesting, beautiful and someone I respect. There wasn't a list of things to tick off.

1. Acknowledging the good things about me and telling me constructively the bad things I have to change. I think constructively is the key word. We have some hobbies and common, and some individual ones, and I can't for the life of me see what would be fun about some of hers, but I don't put them down, and she lets me have my time (now limited, see later answers) for mine.

I think if someone regularly belittled me, that would be a deal-breaking lack of repect. When we have arguments, my wife never says anything purely for the sake of point-scoring, criticising or offending me. Everything she says is trying to get to the bottom of the problem. It's one of the things I like most about her.

1. Several reasons here. Being successful is a great incentive to try harder and achieve more success. When I work hard and bring in quite a lot of money, and get the chance to do more interesting things in future, it feels great. When I'm coasting at work, and finding it unsatisfying, I don't enjoy it and just feel worse about myself.

Also, I worry about being able to find alternative work with the world situation the way it is right now. So I want to make myself as hard to let go as possible and to build up some savings as well while I can.

One more - I suppose I'm shallow, and feel that I get judged on what job I do, and how much I make. I know it's ridiculous to care what other people think, but I do. Therefore work is important to me.

1. Well, I suppose the key thing is to be honest and open about it, and make sure they tell their husbands why they are unhappy. I do several jobs, and four days of the week I am out the door at 6am and back at 10pm. I also work two of the other days, although not as long, leaving only Sunday to spend with my wife, and sometimes one of us has other commitments then. The subject is regularly discussed, and she is fine with it at the moment, but if it starts to put a strain on our marriage then I will give up my evening and Saturday work.

Badlad- thanks for the 'not fussed about BJ's'- nice to know my dh is not alone.
A very emotionally literate post- thank you.
A key thing is not belittling dh- I have been very bad at this- I am insecure and immature in this respect.
I agree with the honest not shallow statement about getting judged on your job/ money. This is ture for many, although it should not be important, it is for my dh too.
Your dw sounds very nice!!

Men and women are all different.Far from all men are workaholics most I know are do the minimum and get out back to the family.