Men's opinions needed

[KlickKlackknobsac]

What do men want from a relationship?
What does 'being respected' mean to a man?
Why is work so bloody important to men, seemingly more so than kids/ wife especially when they have something to prove?
How can women get more attention from single-minded work driven men?
(Answers from knowledgeable women also welcome of course)
Background- married almost 20 years, 3 kids, still in love.

Cowboy - As you asked

On call plumber (who will come out on Christmas day) - ha! We have actually had a plumber out over Christmas once - nah, my dh doesn't do plumbing but that's ok, neither do I!

A Carpenter - he doesn't do that

Decorator - we do it between us, together usually

Cook - we do it between us, taking turns usually, or sometimes the dc cook now they are teenagers

Cleaner - we do it between us as and when

Gardener - as above

Loyal Body Guard would would do anything to protect his wife and children - he's never been in a fight. Did call the police once but a woman could have done that

Accountant - I do that

IT support - I do that

Weekend child minder (48 hrs solid booking) -Yes please, would have loved one of those when mine were little. Didn't happen, we shared weekend childcare

Night time Child Minder - shared

Running a home and raising a family is a team effort and having a member not pull their weight or get the recognition for their hard work will lead to the team failing

Agreed.

Mal Why has a woman got to act like some pornified version of herself to get some attention from her partner?

Quite. I was wondering the same thing myself.

Sorry Dyno if I misunderstood.

I do know a couple of SAHDs actually and they are not viewed like that by me or my friends. Maybe some of the other dads look down on them though, I don't know.

Indeed, I know at least one SAHD and he works every bit as hard as his wife; he's still a bit of a curiosity at the school gates (nice school in a nice area, where the majority of women are SAHM's) There's nothing wrong with it, just saying that out in the real world it's considered unusual ... and statistically of course it is.

Mayisout Yes a SAHM does lots of stuff, and it's often a 7 day week rather than a 5 day one like most jobs. The argument about "well you enjoy your job" is rubbish - of course most people enjoy parts of their jobs, but doesn't a SAHM enjoy at least part of her day? Do you think that a SAHM should do 50% of the chores and her DH should do the other 50% once he comes home from work? How is that reasonable?

DD, perhaps that isn't reasonable, but what IS reasonable, is that after the working partner returns home, they do 50% of the chores after that time and at weekends. Both partners do their 8-10 hours of their area of responsibiklity, the rest should get shared.

And that means that a man's football weekends should be balanced by a woman's whatever-floats-her-boat weekends. Respect for each others' interests.

...reasonable, is that after the working partner returns home, they do 50% of the chores after that time and at weekends. Both partners do their 8-10 hours of their area of responsibiklity, the rest should get shared...

now that is really fair, reasonable and mature. And in how many marriages and partnerships, it's not working, and then many men express the need to be told what exactly bothers the woman, so the woman keeps talking and explaining.....and this then continues on and on and on, as many men do not see the need to change....and then what?

Is there seriously going to be the huge smile and the deep and long snog when OH comes home?!

Is there not going to be resentment sooner or later?!

Could this not be a major reason for kill-joy and less sexual and erotic action!?

And the list goes on....

reasonable expectations going into the marriage / relationship.

regular communications of any unhappiness / problems / niggling issues during it. Not allowing lots of small things to snowball into resentment and picking fights over otherwise trivial issues.

from both partners.

not a guarantee of a successful marriage, but likely to increase its chances of survival.

DD Do you think that a SAHM should do 50% of the chores and her DH should do the other 50% once he comes home from work? How is that reasonable?

But a SAHM's job is often 15 hours a day by the time you get DCs into bed
AND 7 days a week. So 105 hrs per week. DH does 50 hours a week at work. So DH should do half of the extra hours ie 106-50=65/2= 32.5, which is 15 at the weekend and 3 and a bit each weekday evening. Haven't worked this out before, no wonder I used to get pissed off.

I used to get peed off that DH didn't help enough, but he used to get peed off (possibly a bit like you) because he was unappreciated. I should have been more grateful as he had a demanding job but he worked abroad alot and everything fell to me and from my point of view he had an exciting, rewarding working life and I was envious which wasn't conducive to feeling sympathy.

You could have a chat to your wife about how you feel as she 'can't read your mind' as others have brought up on this thread.

Mayisout yes, it works exactly the other way around as well as you said...

... 'SHE can't read your mind' ...

And yet, most men seem to avoid heart-to-heart conversations and many seem to think it means conflict or criticism.

I know a lot of people disagree but I dont feel as if I am 'working' 15 hours a day when at home.I suppose it depends on smounts of kids but I wouldnt expect dh to do 50% after long days at work.

Yes, a good example is the 'why don't you pick your towels off the floor?' question. The wife is actually asking a question. Because she wants to know the answer. The husband thinks she is just 'complaining' so he says something like 'alright, don't go on, I'll get it in a minute'.

He feels like she has complained and criticised him. She feels like he didn't listen to her or take her seriously.

My dh doesn't actually leave towels on the floor but if he did I would be very curious as to why. He might just say, 'I don't mind a messy house', or something but at least it would be an appropriate response, possibly a discussion about 'house rules' rather than just an argument which resolves nothing.

But I suspect some men would not want a discussion about towels on the floor because it's just not important enough.

BeeBee, I also did not work so many hours, when I stayed at home full-time while husband was working, but I think it is about other sorts of work or chores.
Taghain shared this thought, and I happen to like it

...reasonable, is that after the working partner returns home, they do 50% of the chores AFTER that time and at weekends. Both partners do their 8-10 hours of their area of responsibility, the rest should get shared...

BeeBee12 - to be honest I didn't feel I was working a 15 hour day but I was working a long day and it was every day. And DH was out of the house nearly 12 hours when he wasn't abroad so he had a long day at work so I didn't expect him to do much, he was knackered. But he never got up through the night with any of them, almost never read a bed time story. I worked out that I spent about 9 years reading bed time stories nearly every night you can see it still grates

Dh does stuff with kids after his working days but I wouldnt really expect him to do chores, and I am far from the stepford wife dh used to do nearly everything for me before kids

.I just dont think its fair if he has had a long actual work day.However doing things kids is different as thats the fun stuff if you havent seen them.

Malificence - the OP as how to get a Mans attention and wanted mens opinions on it. As a person who is packing meat and two veg, has XY chromosomes, has spent their entire life living as a man, has worked in one of the most male dominated sectors, has a best friend who is male, has spent most of their time socialising with males. I would in some circles be considered an expert on giving advise on how to gain a males attention and the workings of the male mind.

The Advertising world uses sex to get peoples attention, it is a multi billion pound business and they are good at it. Think about all the posters you see or the adverts with beautiful women and men oozing sexuality, looking sexy, selling a product.

""Sex will get any mans attention".
If you've hung around on this board for any length of time Bob, you would understand that this is absolutely untrue and a very damaging myth"
I disagree, all the men I have known, and as a SME on being a man I can say "Men Like sex, it will get their attention. Be it sex with a woman or sex with man, sex sells and sex gets peoples attention.

I will reply to your next half of the reply in a bit - I need to cook supper.
You mentioned "pornified" - a subject I know a bit about.....

BeeBee, but that's totally alright. That's great. If YOU don#t expect it, and you feel it's fair, then there is no issue.

In my view it's not about what men and women ought to do. It is about teamwork and work share, so both perceive it as fair and both are happy about whatever they have negotiated.
Every couple does it differently, and as long both have decided on how to go about it, and both are happy, then great.

Issues arise, if one does not stick to what has been discussed and agreed upon, for example.

Can I just mark my place. I am reading with interest the men's replies. I'm divorced now and single but I am finding this very interesting.

Funnily enough my ExH never felt like sex and had a poor sex drive. So for my next partner I have a lot of making up to do If only sex had been the answer

yes Dont I am also still on the lookout for more of the men's replies

Bob, women like sex too, not just men you know.
Being a man, you must also know that a man would rarely admit, in male company, that he isnt that fussed about sex, lack of libido in men just isn't discussed, there are hundreds of posts on here from women whose partners aren't interested, extrapolate that out to wider society and it must be a huge problem, kept swept under the carpet for the most part. I imagine you've never heard a man say, in front of other men, " she wanted sex last night but I was too tired and turned her down", whereas no-one would turn a hair if a woman said that. These double standards are as damaging to men as they are to women.
Advising a woman to get down to Ann Summers and offer more blow jobs as a way to get some attention from her man is crass in the extreme and potentially very damaging, plus she was asking in a more general way, as in trying to get him to engage in normal family life.
What you say you want out of relationships is coming across as "keep your legs open and your mouth shut ( unless it's for blow jobs". HTH.

Just because you have testicles, it doesnt make you an expert on all men, just as I have no idea about what all women want , I only really know about my man, I should do as we've been together for 30 years. He's every bit as complicated and multi faceted as me, if I thought I had to offer more blowjobs to get his attention, I'd be very worried about the state of our marriage and he would feel very insulted by such an offer, anyone using sex as a form of bargaining chip has either very low self esteem or a very twisted view of sexuality.

Perhaps the OP should ask what do men want out of relationships, including friendships with men and women?

Sex, aside, what do men want from relationships?

It would still be a generalisation though. Men, as individuals, want different things.

CowboyBob, I've just as much experience of living as a man as you have, but disagree about the longterm importance of sex. It's a small part of the mix in a relationship.
I've had a longish relationship where the only thing we did together was fuck, which as a couple we were great at, but the lack of shared outlook and activities killed it.
I've also had a much longer and better relationship where the sex was intermittent and iffy, which led to some heartfelt discussions, but the friendship and sharing made it much much better in the long term.

I wonder - are you actually IN a relationship? Have you sustained one for many years?

M - you would be surprised what is discussed in the locker room, we are more open about our feelings than you think. Sex vs Sleep, I have been that man. ALL of the new Dad's in my unit have talked about it. While sex with the woman you love is great, getting some Zzzzzed's when you have a new baby and are up all hours of the night is fecking orgasmic. There is no shame in it and sure as hell is no negative stigma in my circles.

Lingerie - Husbands notice these things. If you have been wearing standard issue M&S white underwear all the time then he sees you in some new lingerie, he will take not, it will be an area of interest for him. You will have got his attention. Which is what the OP wanted.

If "Lingerie" make you think of Ann Summers, you need to raise you game. AS stuff is on the tacky side. M&S, Fig leaf, Agent P to name a few are what I think of.

The OP's husband/partner is a workaholic, his main focus is on his work and not on his family. If you have ever known anyone with this you will know how serious it can be. My boss over worked herself and ended up in hospital for a week.
Getting some ones attention who has this tunnel vision is nigh on impossible, tapping them on the shoulder and asking them if they would like to read the latest edition of the WI best knitting patterns is not going to cut the mustard. Extreme situations call for extreme methods.
If she wants to get her husbands attention I could also advise wearing a giant panda costume.

If the OP had asked "How do I get my husbands attention so I can have a conversation with him" I would have given a much more grown up and serious answer.

Oh, what is wrong with giving out oral to the person you love. I bet if the tables where turned and the OP started a thread on "My husband took me out on the most amazing date ever then gave me oral for over an hour .....and wanted nothing in return". You would be just as hep up about it.

As for coming to the conclusion that just because I sex and blowjob I want a sex slave as a wife. I just find that insulting. just because I enjoy sex does not make me a pervert (if I was into clown porn, I might be a pervert, not that I'm judging people who like clown porn. If two consenting adults want to dress up as clowns and play hide the sausage, that their business).
I also stated that I wanted intelligence, but I bet that did not fit in with your agenda.

What is "Pornify"? Pornography is a massive subject. Erotica, Art, Porn all over lap. One popes porn is another persons classical greek sculpture. Are we talking acting a bit slutty or is there a specific genre you had in mind?
Stocking fetish, balloon fetish, MILF fetish, GILF fetish, Midget fetish, transgender?????

Have I gone to far, one of my many failings is I speak my mind.

Cowboy I thank you for your input

Taghain - I fully agree that there is more to a relationship than sex, having a shared interest and being able to communicate is vital. If you do not have these things then things will get boring very quickly.
Respect, understanding, and being able to give the other half some space to be them selves is also very important. And as I pointed out on the flow of relationship types, it goes from physical attraction (shagging like teenagers) to actually wanting intelligence and companionship.
Marriage is a long term journey the dynamics change but still finding your partner physically attractive is very important.
I read a poem last year about a 80 year old looking at his wife of 60 years and still finding her sexual, beautiful and amazing. Just because we get old does not mean we have to loose our sexual identity.

As for relationships. yes thanks, coming up for nine years. Every day I thank th gods and treat her like a queen.

Fairenuff - If by relationship you mean something serious like long term.

1. Friendship
2. Sexual chemistry
3. Humour
4. Shared interest
5. Different interests
6. Freedom
7. Loyalty
8. Sports
9. ability to like/get on with your friends.

10. potential to be a family unit.