Men's opinions needed

[KlickKlackknobsac]

What do men want from a relationship?
What does 'being respected' mean to a man?
Why is work so bloody important to men, seemingly more so than kids/ wife especially when they have something to prove?
How can women get more attention from single-minded work driven men?
(Answers from knowledgeable women also welcome of course)
Background- married almost 20 years, 3 kids, still in love.

DynoDad

thanks for your input. Would you be so kind to elaborate more on the parts of respect and validation, please.

"Work defines us in a way that motherhood often defines a woman".

God how depressing, being a mother doesn't define me, it's a very important part of my life , just as being a father is a very important part of who D
H is, his work definitely doesn't define him, despite being well respected and good at his job, it's not who he is.

We would both give up working tomorrow if we had the means to do so, our lives would be so much the better without it, to both of us, it's what we do in our life outside work that defines us.

mal I understood that part, as what the societal pressures are...

Can't say that I am surprised as the way this thread has gone.

boney and what's your point

Are you a man, who has something to add, if yes, I would be very interested

my comment is back on page two, before it kicked off.

But I don't agree with "violent urges" or that a woman should be dumped after menopause.

I don't want a stepford wife.

The What I want out of a relationship is quite probably what you want out of a relationship (Dynodad ad a couple of others have pretty much said it all).

And as I said in my previous post, I am not a mind reader if something is wrong talk to me.

In society it is assumed that a husband works, it's viewed as optional for a wife

This would be the view of a person who does not see childcare and housework as 'work'. If society assumes that a husband works, what do they assume the wife is doing all day?

How much do you think you would have to pay to have a childminder on call 24/7, a cleaner, a gardener, a chauffer, a cook, a laundry person, a secretary?

If the wife was paid the going rate for all these roles, she would quite possibly earn more than the hunter/gatherer husband.

People who go out to work gain satisfaction from being paid to do it. Not many would do it for free. It's a fiscal acknowledgement of their efforts which is why it brings a sense of achievement.

Hi Boney
I am not a mind reader if something is wrong talk to me

I can see that, but the issue usually is around women believe they are expressing what is wrong, and men perceive that to be 'nagging' or being 'criticised'.

So, how to solve that?

And this is by the way reported by marriage counsellors and therapists globally, regardless of culture, religion, nationality, tradition etc., as a typical example of communication issues between men and women. .

worldcitizen

IME, the problem is either phrasing the problem as a question - "why have you done X? Why have you done X again?
Or the supposition that everybody can read your body language, Which leads to the man saying "whats wrong?",
the reply being "you know whats wrong",
Man "If I knew what was wrong I wouldn't ask".
Hence mind reading.

Answer IMO.
Use statements
"don't throw the wet towels on the floor its annoying"
"Take your shoes off at the door"

If you have to repeat more than five times the man is never going to change. Decide whether you can live with someone you consider an inconsiderate dick and move on.

I should of course say that direct statements work for me and not all men.

Some men but far from all put work before family but usually they are the ones that dont like kids much or havent really got a best friend type relationship with their wife ime.

crescent yes I totally agree with what you've added there.

Boney thanks for the examples. I really had to laugh really loud and hard, as this sounds very, very familiar to me.
And I am genuinely trying to not only take this to heart, but also apply it.

There were some other helpful male comments, and they all sound very familiar and what I've heard from men and my ex-husband before, when having genuine conversations.

BeeBee I can see that, too.

In my personal experience, men truly see their other half as their lover, partner in crime, companion, and BEST friend.

All the men I have been with, worked (and still do) in male-dominated professions. They are very athletic and go out with other males for social get-together's etc. Have their fathers and brothers, and yet I was something like their best friend. And my ex-husband was also my best friend.

So, when the marriage ended, I also grieved the partial loss of that tight friendship, and now we are not even close friends anymore, because he is re-married and I think that is totally okay and right for him and his wife.

Now, we are only co-parents. And I even can see it as something very positive for my daughter to learn from the way her father treats his wife and which importance he gives his wife and his daughter, but not me anymore, as I am NOT the most important person in his life anymore.

And as paradox as this might sound, I totally admire him for that.

. Acknowledgment and praise for what he brings to the family - I tell my wife every day how she's beautiful (she is) and I'm proud of what she's achieved (I am) that I appreciate how hard she works not just in her job but to make a home, feed us, sort out the kids, etc. I say this stuff every day because I mean it; by comparison I almost never hear anything back in the same vein from her - it would be nice to be acknowledged even though I know she loves me

I wonder if you don't hear it back because she feels she contributes sooo much to your happiness and wellbeing by cooking daily meals/ food shopping/cleaning/ washing and drying your clothes etc and all that drudgery that she deserves HUGE thanks and that you going to work, which presumably you find fulfilling and are rewarded for, and the possibly much smaller amount you do at home just doesn't deserve extra thanks from her.

My DH used to pick up a bunch of flowers on a Friday night from a stand on the station, and flash his card to pay for them, and bring them home as thanks for all I did during the week (he worked v long hours and I did everything) until I eventually threw them back at him. I wanted help at home not fing flowers.

Obviously I don't know your relationship so just suggesting from my own experiences.

In the UK there is great emphasis on helping your DCs to get good grades which will lead to a good, well-paid, interesting job. So I am surprised to read of people's jobs being a mere necessity and that home life is the important part of life. That will be the case for some people but not what we enourage in our young, a well paid job is likely to be demanding and have long hours leaving little time for home life.

What do men want from a relationship?
Depends on the type of relationship. If it is a dating relationship = Sex, lots of sex, a beautiful woman on his arm so he can show off in front of his friends, and lashings of sex.
Serious Dating Relationship = Sex, companionship, more sex, beautiful partner who is intelligent, lots of sex.
Marriage = Beautiful woman, sex life that will not get boring, prospect of a family, companionship and intelligence.

What does 'being respected' mean to a man?
Not being treated as a second class human, not being talked down to because I'm a man. Not expected to have feelings about fluffy bullshit.

Why is work so bloody important to men, seemingly more so than kids/ wife especially when they have something to prove?
Work = Money = protection for my family.

How can women get more attention from single-minded work driven men?
Sex. New lingerie, blowjobs, lots of rumpy pumpy. Going on a date. Days out with out the kids (going to Tesco's, B & Q or doing house jobs does not count) followed by an early night and rumpy pumpy. It is really that easy. Sex will get any mans attention. Even giving your man a good long snog when he comes back from work would get him zeroed in on you.

Cowboy

Cowboy and other male posters here.

Can you see, that due to some men's behaviour, without pointing fingers here, has a huge bearing on how much in the mood for rumpy pumpy the woman is!?

For me, a nice body, good looks, lots of l...., is not enough to maintain a NOT-BORING-SEX LIFE.

Judging by what some men on here think, I can't be much of a man. Sex was never important to me and I really can't understand men who stray and want to go for younger models.

Work - honestly, I just wanted a job. Not bothered about career progress. I just wanted to do my job and get home to my family to spend time together. What's the point in being in a relationship if you're going to spend all hours slaving away at a desk and working at the weekends.

Work did not and does not define me. The type of person I am defines me. My character and behaviour.

But that's just my opinion.

Fairenuff = Can you quantify the extra jobs a man does?
On call plumber (who will come out on Christmas day)
A Carpenter
Decorator
Cook
Cleaner
Gardener
Loyal Body Guard would would do anything to protect his wife and children.
Accountant
IT support
Weekend child minder (48 hrs solid booking)
Night time Child Minder.

Being a family unit we all have to do different jobs and work as a team, if you want sub contract out the House Hold Jobs you would find us men would just do all the cooking and cleaning our selves and send our kids to boarding school and spend the weekend playing hide the sausage with our pert 21 year old PA.

Running a home and raising a family is a team effort and having a member not pull their weight or get the recognition for their hard work will lead to the team failing.

Cowboy I agree with what you've said here.

Running a home and raising a family is a team effort and having a member not pull their weight or get the recognition for their hard work will lead to the team failing

"Sex will get any mans attention".
If you've hung around on this board for any length of time Bob, you would understand that this is absolutely untrue and a very damaging myth, there are as many women dissatisfied with their sex life and lack of interest in them sexually by their partners, as there are men. There are a lot of men out there uninterested in sex, if the tiny snapshot on this board is anything to go by.
What is a "boring" sex life anyway? One persons boring is another person's swinging from the chandeliers. Decent men understand that a 10 minute shag on a Saturday night is pretty much standard for quite a few years while you are raising children, in fact it's probably quite good going.
Why has a woman got to act like some pornified version of herself to get some attention from her partner?

This thread has become a very depressing cliche, full of toxic myths, I can only say that I'm very glad my DH of 27 years shares hardly any of the views put forth.

DynoDad >> In society it is assumed that a husband works, it's viewed as optional for a wife

Fairenuff > This would be the view of a person who does not see childcare and housework as 'work'. If society assumes that a husband works, what do they assume the wife is doing all day?

You're choosing to interpret this the wrong way. 'Works' = has a job, goes out to work, gets paid for it, whatever. The reason it's optional for a woman is that childcare / housework IS a valid occupation. A woman can go out to work or stay at home with the kids - either is socially acceptable; a man can go out to work or, umm, be considered a lazy useless waste of space. And yessss I know a man can be a stay-at-home-Dad, but that still gets the reaction of "Really? How modern of you!" from both men and women.